Dear Mom,

Its been a little over a month now since that day...the defeat of Zeref. So I've been told. Time seems to have slipped by without my notice. I don't have much memory of the past month, nothing but nightmares. I seemed to have forgotten what the outside felt like, how the sun warmed my body or how the fresh air smelled mixed with the scent of fresh morning bread from the bakery. I haven't even seen the stars or moon as of late. I kept the curtains closed. I don't know why, but I could never bring myself to open them.

My guild-mates are worried, same with my spirits...and a big part of me is too…

I haven't admitted it, maybe cause lying is easier to do then facing the truth. But, even when you're not here, I still can't make myself lie to you. Something is wrong with me mom, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix my broken self. I really wish you were here, to help heal me.

I can't close my eyes.

No.

I can, I'm afraid to close them. Because when I do I see him. I see Natsu, lying there in a pool of blood, his and Zeref's. I can see his chest slowly rising and falling. I feel his life slip away. I could feel the last beat of his demon heart. I could hear myself screaming; begging for him to come back to me, to us. I can no longer see past the tears, my throat throbs in scratching pain. And even when I know I can re-write his book, save his life, bring him back. I cant. The quill in my hand won't move, no matter how much my brain tells it too. His book gets farther and farther out of reach. I let him die.

I let Natsu die…

And when I wake, the nightmare seems so real my body goes in a state of shock and hysteria. For the longest time, I actually believed I killed him. Loki has been helping me, he's always there to comfort me, to help me realize it was just a dream. But I know that it wasn't. Because I lived it. I was reliving those few moments during that day over and over again. I was weak. I know I saved him. I know I rewrote his book. But my mind keeps relishing the moment I felt pure terror and helplessness.

Loki keeps begging me to tell Natsu. I should right? Even the guild thinks I should, especially after I tried to live life normally and went to the guild hall. I tried to fake it, fake being okay. But everywhere I looked I would see Natsu, his lifeless body. I would hear my pleading screams. The cries of Happy. I could feel his blood caked on my hands. And when I looked to my comrades, all I saw was the hatred in their eyes for allowing Natsu to die. I screamed and screamed until Mira knocked me out. I woke in the infirmary hours later. I remember crying in Levy's arms. I didn't tell them how bad it was, because I, myself didn't know. I pleaded with them to not tell Natsu and the others. I don't want them to worry, especially after they had recently left to go on a quest.

It was a week after the battle with Zeref that Natsu, Happy, Wendy, Carla, Grey and Ezra all went on the infamous one-hundred-year quest. Can you believe that mom? Team Natsu on a major quest, but guess what. They all vowed to complete it in six months! I believe they could do it, they are Fairy Tails strongest team. Natsu promised he would be back no later than six months, and I honestly believe him. It was hard to let him go, to let them all go on without me. I still wasn't completely healed from the battle. So I stayed behind. I can still feel the warm kiss Natsu left on my forehead. And soon after that's when the nightmares began. They send letters, I send back lies.

Loki even got Virgo and the others to cox me in to tell him. Even Plu in his odd way tries. But I just can't bring myself to write that letter, to write the truth to him. I'm afraid to let him see me this way. Until recently I thought only my mind was broken, but my body is too. Gemini transformed into me, forcing me to see my present self. I looked haunted. Like a stray cat left to die. My eyes and cheeks have sunken in, my lips thin and almost purple. My hair looked as if it belongs on a corpse which I guess is fitting the state my body is in. none of my clothes fit, they all hung. Since that day I wore nothing but oversize shirts to hide my hideous frame. I never noticed my lack of appetite, nor have I even tried to regain it. Last night, while I laid forcing myself to stay awake. Loki cried, believing I was asleep. I never seen him break, and it was my fault. He spoke to Virgo, who came through on her own. They all did now. I lost whatever ounce of magic power I had left weeks ago. They spoke in hushed tones trying to keep me asleep. They fear that I won't wake some nights. Loki stated that while he watches me sleep, he would notice I'd stop breathing. Some nights he'd have to shock me awake to keep me alive. And the majority of the time, I wish I did slip into nothingness. Anything to keep me away from the terror of my mind. Is it really that bad mom?

That's a stupid question. I just don't understand why my mind would do this to me. Why have I become so weak? Why am I allowing myself to do this!? But the bigger question is why I can't get out of it? Loki thinks that if I start to write to you, I can slowly heal myself. Maybe it will. And hopefully, before I finally do slip away…

Till next time,

Lucy