Scales and Tales

A/N: Lately, I've been in a dragon mood so I decided to make this fanfic. Basically, it's a story about several different types of dragons going through several different hilarious situations.

Warning: Do not read if you are offended by language or toilet humor.

Hot Date

In the midst of the world of Lore, two fully grown male flame dragons were flapping their fiery wings through the clouds. They were roughly over 20 years old (whether this was dragon or human years was unknown) but they were at least…20. They weren't evil dragons like most adventurers figured, but they still liked to mess with the humans every now and then. Mostly, they just pulled pranks amongst one another and talked about their life.

"What do you want to do today Brihart?" asked one of the dragons.

Brihart sighed in a depressed tone. "I don't know. I'm too depressed to think of anything."

"Why? Did that red dragon Kikle break up with you again?"

"That's exactly the problem! I don't know if we broke up or not!"

"What do you mean?"

"Yesterday, when I was with my girlfriend, she said, 'Wow, you have really bad halitosis!' and when I asked my other friend what that means, he said halitosis is a synonym for bad breath!"

Brihart's friend chuckled. "Bad breath huh? Why would you think you have bad breath?"

"Because for the past two weeks people have shouting at me saying, 'Hey! You have really stinky dragon breath!' and other stuff in that manner."

"Well, that sucks."

"What the hell am I gonna do Trel? I'm supposed to be meeting Kikle's parents for dinner tonight! How are they gonna see me if they find out their daughter is falling in love with a dragon who's got bad breath?!"

"Ever thought about brushing your teeth?" laughed Trel.

"Shut up! Y'know, you're the one who ate a churro out of the dung pit for dragons!"

"Rain or shine, dung or no dung, if I see a churro, I'm gonna eat it!"

"Whatever. I think we should go see that wizard Warlic. Maybe he knows of a way to cure dragons' bad breath…or at least he has a breath mint."

"Yeah, I doubt Kikle wants to kiss you again if you still got halitosis."

"Whoa! What are flame dragons doing on my doorstep?!" questioned Warlic.

"Calm down. We didn't come here to burn Battleon to the ground. We need your help with something very important." said Trel.

"What?"

"Well, my friend Brihart here has a date tonight with her parents joining in and um…he has a touch of halitosis."

"Really? Let me see here…"

Warlic opened Brihart's mouth and gazed upon rows and rows of razor sharp teeth covered in saliva, getting a nice whiff of his bad breath. Brihart exhaled upon Warlic's face which caused him to veer his head backwards and groan with a disgusted look on his face.

"It's not that bad people!" shouted Brihart.

"Yes, it is! What, did you eat a churro out of a pile of dragon dung?"

"Actually that's what my friend did." Brihart pointed out.

"Look, I don't know if there's a potion that can cure your halitosis--"

"I just need it to smell like fruits and peppermints until after tonight. After that, I really don't care how bad my breath is."

"There is one potion that I remember reading about, but if I mix the wrong ingredients at the wrong time, I could make you worse."

Brihart gulped loudly. "How worse?"

"I could turn you into a Glow Worm by mistake."

"Oh God…"

After waiting several minutes for Warlic to finish mixing his concoctions filled with hundreds of different ingredients, the intelligent wizard appeared from his house covered in black soot and ash, his robe completely filthy. He was coughing violently and trying to get the soot out of his eyes.

"What happened in there?" asked Trel.

"That's what happens when you mix berries with ox hair and Minotaur stomach acid. Anyway, I believe this potion should make your breath smell sweet as a Hybee hive, at least for the next 24 hours."

"Thank you Warlic!"

Brihart guzzled down the bluish-green goo as fast as he could to freshen up his breath quickly. It tasted sour and was thick at the same time. Think of it like drinking ginger ale mixed with honey and sour lime juice. Brihart finished drinking the potion and spat it out of his mouth. Not a single drop of potion was left inside the bottle.

"Okay, you're all set then!"

"Awesome! I gotta go see Kikle and tell her I'm still on for the parent meet tonight!"

Brihart got a running start on the ground before he spread out his wings and began to flap them high into the air, disappearing into the clouds.

"Do you have any churros?" asked Trel.

"…What?"

Later that night…

Brihart and his girlfriend Kikle were eating dinner with Kikle's parents. The four fiery dragons were currently eating fried sheep and a side of burnt salamander carcass. Brihart and Kikle loved to eat this dish and her parents had no problem with it either.

"You seem like a charming young dragon." complemented Kikle's mother.

Brihart chuckled, a tad bit discomfited. "Uh…thank you ma'am." replied Brihart.

"Yes, you're a lot better than the other dragons Kikle has dated. Remember the last dragon named Jogan, who always blew his acid breath on our food and burned it up until nothing was left?" said Kikle's father.

Kikle's parents laughed. "Or how about Langtil, that war dragon who always pooped on our faces while we slept?!"

"Yes, mother, I remember." huffed Kikle, annoyed.

"But you, on the other hand, are a very good and polite dragon Brihart. I'm very glad that you're dating my daughter."

Brihart hated how Kikle's parents treated him like a dog that performed a trick just to get some treats, but at least what they were saying were complements. That's a good thing…right?

"Thank you very much sir!" said Brihart, with a little bit of force in his voice.

Like all things that happened to Brihart, all the good things just had to be spoiled by the littlest anatomy. Take this situation for example: Brihart already had a problem with his breath, but just as that problem was resolved, another began to come. Brihart accidentally let loose a low and mildly audible set of flatulence from behind.

(Don't smell it, don't smell it, don't smell it) Brihart kept muttering in his mind.

"Hey, what's that smell?" asked Kikle's mother.

(Damnit!)

"EW! Did someone step on a rotten egg?!" shouted Kikle's father.

"…Sure, let's go with that."

Brihart farted again, this time audible enough for everyone to hear.

"What the hell was that?" yelled Kikle's father.

"I have to talk to your daughter in private!" sputtered Brihart.

"What?"

Brihart dragged Kikle behind a set of trees so they were clear away from the view of Kikle's parents.

"I told you not to eat beans before dinner Brihart!" chastised Kikle.

"I didn't!"

"Then what happened? I thought you only pass gas this much when you're nervous."

Brihart groaned loudly as his stomach gurgled.

"You know how you said I had 'bad halitosis' the last time we met?"

"Yeah."

"I went to go see Warlic and he gave me this potion that made my breath smell fresh and clean again! I'm guessing this potion doesn't digest well cause--"

Kikle walked up to Brihart's face and smelled his breath, only to groan in disgust.

"He didn't fix anything! Your breath still smells like you licked your feet!"

"And now I got gas!"

Brihart held his stomach and let loose a tremendous amount of gas that smelled downright fetid and horrible.

"You gotta take the fall for me."

"What?"

"If your parents think I'm a disgusting dragon who farts a lot, they'll never let me date you! You have to take the fall this time!"

"You want me to say I'm the one who farted?!"

"Not unless you don't love me anymore! And besides, we're almost done with dinner anyways so you should be able to deal with it for a few minutes."

"I know but…farting isn't something female dragons do."

"Just shut up and cover for me!"

Kikle and Brihart returned to the feast. Brihart was trying his hardest to show he didn't have gas or abdominal pain, so he only winced a little bit.

"Well since we're just about done here, is there anything else you'd like to add?" asked Kikle's mom.

Brihart responded by farting loudly and coughing a little bit. Everyone went silent for a long time until Brihart nudged Kikle, forcing her to take the blame.

"Sorry." mumbled Kikle meekly.

"That's rude Kikle! How dare you break wind while you're on a date!" said her mother, appalled.

"It's not my fault you fed me beans for lunch today!" whined Kikle.

Brihart grunted and produced another wet fart from his anus, trying to fan the smell away with his tail. Kikle apologized once again while her parents simply continued to chastise her several times over. Despite the fact the dragons finished their dinner within five minutes, Brihart had farted over ten times, and Kikle had to cover for him.

"It was nice meeting you Brihart. See you later!" said Kikle's father.

Kikle's parents spread their wings and began to fly away into the night sky.

"See? That wasn't too bad, now was it?"

"Shut up Brihart."