So I wrote this one-shot's first draft in a spiral notebook of mine the week after I saw the IS finale. I meant to type it up, but I wasn't ready to revisit for a while. Then I forgot about it. I rediscovered it a couple days ago, and I have been working on it ever since. So here it is.
Summary: Set mere hours after London Calling. Jommy. Light R. Her first few days in London, Jude reevaluates the situation, and what she wants with Tommy.
Disclaimer: Yeah, basically, not mine. Otherwise it would have ended a bit more like this.
That Was Us
Jude was on the plane to London. It had been three hours, twenty-four minutes, and – she glanced at her watch – forty-two seconds since she had last seen Tom Quincy.
She was already going through withdrawals.
She itched to grab her phone and call him before her flight took off. But she didn't. They lifted off, and she turned off her phone as instructed. After the flight attendant announced it was okay to use electronics, Jude pulled out her mp3 player. Scrolling through the artists, she selected her own music, which was a rarity. But she supposed she ought to get some work done and evaluate some of her new music and what she could do with it in London.
As she listened, sadness filled her. More than any other, this album was the tale of Jude and Tommy.
Don't You Dare filtered from her ear buds – one track she was truly pleased with. It seemed like so long ago that she had written and recorded the song. It was another lifetime. It was hard to remember those times. Those times before she truly had him. Those times were so much different. So much easier. It had seemed so complicated at the time, but it was so natural with them. Everything was so much simpler. And so long ago. Sometimes it was hard to remember it was really them. That with initial recording of the song came their third kiss. Hushed affection in a quiet church.
These thoughts spurred Jude to file through some of her other music. She found a rough copy of Love to Burn and bit her lip. The song he had written for her the first time they were together. The secrecy and drama had seemed so painful back then, but they seemed like nothing now in the light of her current complexity.
Liar Liar began playing, and Jude ran a hand over her face. The day she and Tommy had written that song was still her best birthday to date. To think it wasn't even a full two years ago that the pair had been at that place, both physically and metaphorically.
There's Us. The bittersweet lyrics washed over her. The perfect break-up song, she had always laughingly dubbed it. Some love is not really love at all. But wasn't her love for Tommy real? And vice versa? Yes, but no matter. Because they simply wouldn't work. He may have been ready to commit to her, but they were in two very different places. Jude was very convinced of that.
But she questioned the notion the moment White Lines started playing. A shiver past through her, and she felt a sob rising in her throat that she had to choke back painfully. She didn't even feel like that girl anymore. Where had she gone? "It's about you," she remembered telling him. The day had ended in their second real kiss. Since, then, she'd kissed him so many more times. Hundreds, maybe thousands, the pair was so insatiable at times. It was hard to believe it was really them in Darius' office, sneaking a forbidden smooch. So easy to forget.
One final song. Time to Be Your 21. Jude had been so young. So naive. Freshly sixteen, Tommy had kissed her in an alleyway during her birthday party. With that first true taste of his lips, Jude was addicted. His mouth, so hot and demanding against hers. Their lips fused, and things suddenly changed forever for the pair of them. Jude wrote the song that currently played on her mp3. And she'd loved him since then. Her love had grown and matured into adult love as she aged. But she loved him from sixteen. She still did. She wondered if that would ever change. Jude wasn't sure.
"If I admit I can't get used to this, will my heart break again?" Jude melodically whispered to herself.
Pulling out her song book, Jude already had a title in mind as she choked back another threatening sob. She grabbed a pen and wrote at the top of a blank page in hurried scrawl.
That Was Us
Lyrics spilled from Jude's pen like fresh blood from an open wound. And honestly, in a lot of ways, that was what it felt like. The pain of her ending with Tommy was painfully raw. It was another two hours before Jude was pleased with her lyrics. It would be her second bonus track, alongside 2 AM on her My Return album. Two songs about Tommy, but both very, very different.
Jude sighed and fell into herself again. She listened to her music, finally getting to the work she initially meant to do. Time passed as the plane soared over water, and she still wasn't certain how she felt. She simply didn't know. She had been so confident in her decision before. Everything felt like it was set in stone when she'd spoken those words of finality on the stage. But now she questioned their finality. She'd been so happy and in love with Tommy before the label rep came to see her. Did London really have to change everything?
She shook her head at the thought. She had already made her decision. Jude was better off without Quincy. It was time for her to live her life on her own in London. She was so dependant on him all the time – too dependant. It was unhealthy. She needed freedom. She needed to be her own person. She needed to be Jude – without Tommy.
Jude looked over her freshly-penned lyrics one more time, closed her eyes, and fell into a fitful sleep. When she woke up, many hours later, the plane was finally approaching London. A flight attendant was shaking her shoulder lightly, informing Jude that she needed to put her seat back in its upright position for arrival.
Equal amounts of excitement and dread flooded Jude's system. She was ready and waiting for any adventures that may come her way, but still…it wasn't home. There was no Sadie, no Dad, no Jamie, no Spied. She wouldn't allow herself to think his name and see his face in her head. She kept flashing back to his expression when he was backstage, and she told the audience she wouldn't be playing 2 AM. She told them she was going to London. The decision to tell him like that had been an impulse. One she wasn't certain if she regretted or not. It would have been nicer to pull him aside and tell him one-on-one. But Jude was afraid that not having an audience in front of her would weaken her resolve. So she'd done the cowardly thing and told him with the rest. It was a cold move, she decided, but the only one she had the strength to make.
Jude sighed and stashed her mp3 player in her purse. The plane landed smoothly, and soon Jude was stepping into the airport, carry-on bag in tow. People with thick accents swarmed the environment, jolting her. She found a sign labeled "WC" and paused briefly. That was the bathroom, right? The majority of her British knowledge came from the movie Sense and Sensibility and occasionally reading Harry Potter. Maybe she wasn't quite as prepared as she thought. She meandered off to what she suspected was the restroom and used the facilities. Upon exit, she grabbed her checked luggage and met another representative from the record label who was there to give her a ride and show her around the city.
* * *
It was the next morning when Jude went into her new studio for the first time. They had her recording right away, trying to get into the groove of things.
"I wrote a new song yesterday on the plane," Jude told her new co-producer, Mark. He was blonde and freckled, with a thick accent and a plastic smile that looked frozen on his face by a botched Botox job. He was nice enough, but his rubbery appearance was a bit disconcerting at times. He was nothing like Tommy, and she wasn't sure whether she was pleased or disappointed by that fact.
"Alright, let's lay it down," Mark requested.
Jude stepped into the recording booth, sat down at the keys, and pulled out her lyrics and sheet music that she had perfected last night at her hotel. There had been a grand piano in the ballroom, and Jude had snuck down in the middle of the night, hoping no one would notice the noise. First she recorded the piano. It was easy enough. She didn't have to think about the lyrics that went with the notes she was playing. But she and Mark made quick work of the music, and it was time to move on to singing. Jude knew she liked the song. It was good. But she wasn't sure she had the strength to sing it yet. Regret filled her at bringing up the new song up at all. She shook her head, grabbed the lyrics, and clutched the microphone. The piano started to play in her headphones, and Jude began to sing.
"I tried to change
I tried everything
Like headlights in the rain
Drifting back again
Somewhere, I've been gathered in the dark
Sometimes I can't remember that was us"
Jude's voice was soft and emotional. The lyrics rang startlingly true. She kept coming back to him, yet she could barely remember their beginning. She was fifteen and stupid. She won a talent competition, and it was just before her first performance as a real artist. Backstage in the Vinyl Palace, she kissed Tommy on the lips, fumbling.
"The stars divide
Now worlds collide
Surrounded like the air
You were with me everywhere"
Jude smiled gently at the last line. Those words had been true since she was fifteen. Nothing had changed remotely in that respect.
"Somewhere out there lying in the dust
Sometimes I can't remember that was us"
Jude took a deep breath as the music picked up.
"There was a time for reason
A place for every season
Times I couldn't run away from you
I can't believe it was morning
I can't believe it was pouring
Should I leave you here and walk away?"
Her last line hit Jude hard. Should she? Should she walk away? It was what she had already done. So why was she still questioning it? She'd already walked away physically. But emotionally, she had yet to do so.
"I want to change
I'll try anything
I wanted you so bad
It nearly drove me mad"
Jude flashed back to a few months prior. She really had started going a bit mad after her break up with Tommy in the New Brunswick. She stopped eating. She stopped sleeping. She missed him so terribly that it was scary. She didn't know how to function without him. And that was why she ended things and left. Because she needed to learn how to be healthy and function on her own. To be independent. As good as they could be together, they weren't good for each other.
That was what she believed. But not all of her could be convinced. Other thoughts crept in. Memories of times passed. Kisses in alleyways, Darius' office, churches, restaurants. Her romantic first time. Bathroom sex. Performing together. His embrace after the basement incident – his initial resistance to giving in, then giving up and kissing her soft lips. Jude closed her eyes, emotion rooted within her bubbling up to the surface. She continued singing.
"Somewhere out there gathered in the dust
Sometimes I can't remember that was us"
Jude struggled to keep her voice from shaking, and she was forced to take a deep calming breath before continuing.
"Better now than never
Better late than forever
I never meant to waste your time"
Jude could see the blur of fresh tears in her eyes, and she urgently blinked them away. No. She wouldn't do this here.
"It doesn't seem to matter
Maybe nothing really matters
Long enough to break it all…away"
A single tear slipped past her defenses at the last broken word she sang. Jude did her best to wipe it away quickly. She didn't want to be weak. She was so tired of being weak. That was why she went to London. He weakened her. She needed to be independent. To be strong. Now that she was here, she should be happy. Shouldn't she? Yet all she could think about was Tommy.
"Somewhere out there gathered in the dust
Sometimes I can't remember
Sometimes I can't remember
I can't remember that was us"
The song came to a close, and Jude's new co-producer gave her a searching look.
"You know what," Jude spoke into the mic, "I'm not ready to record this song."
Mark nodded soundlessly, and Jude escaped the sound booth as quickly as possible. She needed air. The stuffy atmosphere was suffocating. She raked her hands through her short blonde locks and found the company's exit. She breathed in the cool air, but it wasn't the same as Toronto. She gasped and stumbled until she found privacy in an alleyway next to the building.
This time there was no Tommy to chase her down.
Jude pulled out her phone. His picture was still her wallpaper. It had been for months, but she would never admit that to him. Panic onset, and she could barely feel the oxygen entering her lungs.
What have I done? Jude thought.
She shook lightly. Never had she experienced such levels of anxiety.
Jude pulled up a blank text and started typing, giving it no thought. The wrote the words "I'm sorry," and before giving it a second thought to stop herself, she sent it to Tommy.
It was merely moments before she received a response: "I get it. I love you too much to tie you down, Harrison."
Jude replied, her fingers unable to type fast enough, "I think I made a mistake."
Tommy's reply was almost instantaneous: "What?"
Jude typed, "I don't want to be without you in my life. I made a mistake."
Her phone rang moments later, and Tommy's face flashed on the screen.
"Hello?" Jude's voice shook with instability.
"Are you serious?" Tommy asked in a quiet voice.
A sob escaped her lips, and she whispered, "Yes."
"Jude," Tommy whispered," Are you sure?"
She wiped the tears from her face. "I'm not sure of anything Tommy. I just know that I can't be without you. It's unhealthy. That's why I left. But I don't want to be without you either. I can't be without you. I can't be me without you. And I hate that about myself. But I don't care. I can't care. I miss you too much already. I just…I want it back. I want you back."
"I'll be on the next flight."
"But what about G-Major? Your life, Tommy?"
"I'll figure something out." He hesitated, "What made you change your mind."
"I was listening to my old music on the plane and couldn't stop thinking about you. Do have any idea how much of my music is about you?" Jude had the impulse to laugh.
Tommy responded with ease, "Do you have any idea how many songs I've written about you?"
Jude did laugh this time. "No. You never let me look at your song books. Your many, many song books, Mr. I Don't Want a Solo Career."
"I'd say about half those books," Tommy replied seriously.
A small smile crossed Jude's lips.
"Tell me about London," Tommy requested.
"I haven't really seen much of it yet. Just the inside of my hotel and the inside of the studio."
"What is your new producer like?"
Jude bit her lip in thought. "I'm not really sure. His name is…Mark, I think. I sort of ran out of our first recording session."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"What did he say to that?"
Jude smiled into the mouthpiece of her phone. "I don't know. I haven't gone back inside yet."
"Harrison! You're going to give Canadians a bad name over there."
The pair fell back into banter from there. It was easy and familiar, but not quite comfortable. They still had much to talk about and work through.
* * *
It was a day and a half later when Tommy arrived in London. It was 2:00 AM – Tommy chuckled at the thought, humming the tune to himself – when he arrived outside the door of Jude's hotel room. She had left a key for him at the front desk under the name DuTois.
Tommy put his key into the door, and it unlocked with a click. He walked into the bedroom, and quickly and quietly removed his shoes. He pulled off his pants, and remaining in his boxers, Tommy crawled into bed next to her. The shifting of the mattress caused Jude to stir. She turned her body to face him, and her eyes fluttered open. It took her a moment to process what his presence meant in her sleep-logged mind, but when she did, she smiled brilliantly.
Jude scooted closer to him, and pulled him into a deep, lingering kiss, taking Tommy off-guard. He smiled against her lips and responded with equal fervor.
"I missed you," Jude whispered as she leaned towards his swollen lips again.
They took things no further that night. Tommy knew they still had much to work through, and making things even more complicated was not the answer, even if it was the one part of them desired.
* * *
"I'm not ready to get married," Jude stated the next morning after a quick breakfast.
"I know," Tommy replied. "I shouldn't have rushed it."
"It's not that I don't want to…eventually…just not yet. I'm not even old enough to drink at my own wedding, Tommy."
He laughed loudly at her rationalization. "You will be in a few months, but I understand what you mean. I doesn't matter if we're married or not, girl. Not really. I just want to be with you. You're it for me. I just want you with me forever."
"I feel like I've heard that somewhere before," Jude teased.
Tommy smiled nostalgically at the memory.
Jude looked down for a moment, eyes unfocused. She had so many regrets.
Tommy could never be one of them.
Jude looked back up at him, tears glistening in her eyes. Finally, she whispered, "I still love you."
"And I've heard that one before," Tommy whispered against her lips before capturing them in a searing kiss.
They gave in.
Back in the hotel, finally reassured and secure, lips met lips, and skin met skin.
They cherished each other and expressed their love in the most intimate of ways. Naked bodies and naked expressions. As Tommy kissed a trail down her breasts and onward, Jude reflected that it was very reminiscent of their first time together. She squirmed and writhed and cried out time after time.
When he was finally within her, Jude felt complete once more. It had not truly been long since the last time they had been together in this way, but it felt like an eternity. She didn't know it was physically possible to yearn for someone in this way so much. Through their pulsating rhythm, she looked up at Tommy, and caught his gaze. He was giving Jude her look. She kissed him hard then, and would not let up, her mouth demanding against his.
When they came, they came together, crying out and clutching each other desperately. Aftershocks ran through them as they panted for breath, more content than ever.
Their breathing slowed, and the aftershocks faded, leaving them both spent and silent.
"What happens now?" Jude asked quietly. She was lying on top of Tommy's chest, her sticky bare skin on his. The sheets had been kicked to the foot of the bed in their passion, and Jude sighed heavily.
"That's up to you, girl," Tommy replied. He kissed the sensitive spot behind her earlobe. "Be honest. What do you want?" He was afraid he wouldn't like her answer.
"I want you," she spoke earnestly. "I just don't want to be so dependent on you. You didn't see me after I left you in New Brunswick. I was a mess, Tommy. I hate that my happiness is so dependent on you. It's not healthy. Not at all."
She closed her eyes.
Tommy didn't know how to respond. "Is that how all this started?" he asked. She nodded her head into his chest.
He ran a hand over his face. "Maybe I don't move here."
Jude lifted her head to look at him, puzzled.
Tommy explained, "Darius still owns my ass, and you have a great contract here. We can both fly out every chance we get and meet up. We make it work, but we have our own lives. You learn to be you without me, and I learn to be me without you.
"You've been you without me, before, Quincy."
"I don't like that me." He sighed and continued what he had been saying, "My contract with G-Major will be up in a little over a year. Maybe we can figure out something more permanent then."
"I'm going to miss you," Jude replied, sadness evident in her soft, musical voice.
"Let's not think about that," Tommy murmured, pressing a small kiss on her neck.
Jude sighed sweetly and did the same to him.
Tommy continued, "Let's just focus on today."
"Today," Jude echoed him in affirmation.
They gave in again.
Fin.
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