A/N: What's up? This is my first story on this specific website, but trust me when I say I have writing experience. This story was written pretty recently in my notebook and I figured it was good enough to put on the internet. So yeah.
Anyways, if you haven't read the Invader Zim comic issue known as "Primordial Space Ooze", it's okay because I'm gonna explain what happens before the actual alternate ending starts.
Taking into account the fact that I'm absolutely OBSESSED with Transformers as well as Invader Zim, there will be the occasional reference or two scattered around, possibly even JTHM references for you psychopaths out there. If Enter the Florpus comes out in the middle of the story, I'm probably gonna obsessively rant about it in the author's notes but the storyline will NOT follow the continuity.
I plan to release a chapter every Sunday, but no promises.
I don't know if I HAVE to do some sort of disclaimer, but all Invader Zim characters are property of Jhonen Vasquez and probably Nickelodeon too. OCs are all mine, though.
Chapter 1
Deep in some random part of space unseen ever before by human eyes, a sputtering, maroon-pink space cruiser flew by, sporting "grade A" thrusters and "top-level" navigation systems (according to its pilot). It was a wonder the thing flew at all, really.
Said pilot, a green-skinned Irken Invader with ruby red eyes and an attitude problem, eagerly monologued away to his robotic servant sitting goofily next to him.
"Another glorious victory, GIR!" He announced proudly.
"We have survived Blastropolis-the most violent battle-mall in all of known space and emerged with a TERRIFYING HAUL OF NEW WEAPON-STUFFS!"
The ship was full to the brim with random weaponry, leaving barely enough room for Zim and his companion.
"SQUIDGYTOMIC LAUNCHERS! GALAXUS ZORM RIFLES! EVEN A SHLOOGHORGIAN DOOKIE-NIGHTMARE-POD!"
GIR giggled.
"Ehhehhe...Dookie."
Zim sent him a sideways glare and continued.
"I only needed space-pants, but with THESE, the Earth will FALL BEFORE ME in less time it takes to juice a PLIKUVIAN HOT DOG GOBLIN!"
He then paused and dropped his dramatically raised arms.
"They're full of juice, you know?"
GIR, oblivious to every word his master had just said, leaned in uncomfortably close with a giggle.
"Isn't you gonna ask what I got?" He squeaked.
Zim grimaced, preparing for the sheer horrific horror that was sure to come.
"Ehhh...well, what did YOU g-"
"I GOT THIS THING!" GIR screeched, deploying some sort of giant, blue and black slug monster from his head.
"AIEEEEGH!" Zim screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!" GIR screamed back
"NOOOOOOO!" Zim howled as the cruiser spun out of control. "Destroy it! AAAAGH!"
The ship lurched violently to the side.
"Not the controls! The thing! THE THING!"
Zim braced for impact as a nearby planet's surface grew closer and closer, screeching at the top of his lungs... wait, do Irkens even HAVE lungs? ...Whatever.
"Prepare for emergency-"
SLAM!
The cruiser crashed into the ground, sending random metal parts and rocket fuel careening in every possible direction. It slid across the ground for a second, tearing a hole into the landscape as it went. Finally, it lurched to a stop with a hiss of air leaving the cockpit. Zim cautiously opened one eye and looked around.
"Well that wasn't so bad," he remarked. GIR cheerily hugged his somehow-still-intact pet.
"I love you, monster-slug."
"Ejection activated," droned the unenthusiastic voice of the computer. Zim snapped his head up suddenly.
"What? No!"
The seat sprung up under the Irken, shooting him horizontally into the ground as GIR and the slug watched. He came back, skin smoking and attempting to brush the dust off of his uniform.
"This is your fault, GIR!" He spat reproachfully, pointing at his little robot sidekick.
"Okay, thanks!"
Zim ignored the response and examined the state of his smashed, crumpled Voot Cruiser.
"GIR! This'll take some time to repair. Scan for life!"
GIR saluted, his eyes glowing an obedient red.
"ZERO PERCENT FAUNA. ZERO PERCENT FLORA. ZERO PERCENT SNACKS." he droned, lacking his usual cheekiness. To bad he couldn't ALWAYS be that way.
Zim grimaced. "This place is a rock, GIR. A lifeless death world."
GIR quickly faded back to his signature turquoise.
"YAAAY! DEATH WORLD!" he cheered.
"No GIR. That's bad."
"Awboooooo."
Zim returned to his work on the ship with a sigh, holding out a three-fingered hand.
"GIR! Hand me the space-wrench! I must begin repairs immediately!"
The little robot happily gave his master something.
"...GIR, this is a pretzel."
"Yah it is."
While Zim ranted at his servant for screwing up YET AGAIN, a nearby puddle of rocket fuel began to bubble and swell, bits of electricity sparking around it.
"Pay attention, GIR!" The Irken commanded. "If we cannot repair the Voot cruiser then we'll FAIL our mission to conquer the Earth!"
GIR twirled the slug around his torso, not at all paying attention to his master's words.
"Zim does NOT fail, and... it's weird, how does this thing even fly at all?"
In Zim's distraction, a small bit of strange grass and teeny tiny saplings began to creep toward the pair slowly but surely.
"If I wasn't so amazing I'd swear this thing is made almost entirely from garbage parts."
The saplings grew into trees as the plant life edged a bit closer, now beginning to grow over a nearby weapon thrown from the Voot. A stray leaf flew by Zim, who swatted it aside.
"Out of my way, impetuous leaf-thing! Zim is worki-"
He looked up in surprise, faced with an entirely functional community of plant life, complete with butterflies (much to GIR's delight).
"WHAT FLORAL MADNESS IS THIS?!" The small Irken screeched, dropping his space wrench. He looked around with perked antennae, taking in the nature that surrounded him.
Soon his overly logical brain kicked in and began working out the current situation.
"Hmph. It seems the Voot Cruiser's fluid leaks have mixed with the planet's... planetey stuff and created some sort of primordial shmeep shmoop," he mused to no one in particular. "The tiny life forms have entered a state of extreme hyper-evolution."
He gestured to a growing community of germ-like organisms crawling out of the puddle of glowing green rocket fuel.
"What should take millions of years is unfolding right in front of the amazing eyes of ZIM!"
The extraordinarily small blobbish inhabitants of the planet gathered together, seemingly confused on what they should do next. Zim bent down to get a closer look.
"What is this? An emerging society of single-celled creatures? Kind of ugly. But still," he murmured to himself.
The weird blob things looked up at Zim expectantly, waiting for his soon-to-come explanation of what on... whatever this planet was, was happening.
Zim raised his gloved hands in the air dramatically.
"YOU ARE SO TINY! YOU MUST HAIL ZIM!" he demanded. "ZIM IS YOUR TALLEST!"
The creatures looked back and forth between one another, hopelessly confused. Zim sighed melodramatically and waved one hand around at the wrist.
"You see, among Irkens, the Tallest is the most powerful and here ZIM is the Tallest, so... never mind, it's too complicated. WORSHIP ZIM!"
The blobs cheered.
"Zim! Zim! Zim! Zim!"
The satisfied Irken twitched his antennae and and turned his head to the boiling pool of cruiser fuel, putting his finger to his lip in thought.
"I wonder..."
He promptly spit INTO the pond, causing it to roll and slosh a bit, then leaned forward in anticipation. One thing about science that he had learned during his time being a chemical engineer was that doing whatever the heck you wanted was fine as long as it was for science.
Or something.
A small, green shape began to form, slowly morphing into antennae, then two ruby red eyes. The blob eventually took complete form, appearing to be a tiny version of Zim himself.
"Papa?" it cooed.
Zim's new servants began to lunge forward in order to kill the "false Zim", but their leader held up a hand curiously to stop them. Being obedient as ever, they backed away.
Zim picked the little smeet up out of the ooze by the antennae and examined it. There was no PAK upon its back, and it's eye color perfectly matched Zim's own. It seemed to be a female, but it was difficult to tell with newborn smeets.
By this point, Zim's subjects had rapidly grown to be almost half GIR's size, hyper-evolving just as Zim had predicted. They looked on curiously at the little Zim, who was then handed to them awkwardly by the original. They followed their overlord obediently in his trek toward his downed spaceship, keeping up as best they could with their lack of proper feet to do so.
Zim looked cautiously behind him.
"Touch nothing, GIR! Who knows what consequences our touching-of-things could have!" he hissed.
Almost immediately after he said that, GIR cheekily squatted down to a tiny bush with some red and black beetles on it.
"LOOK AT THE LADYBUGS!" he shrieked excitedly. Zim whipped around in alarm.
"I SAID TOUCH NOTHING!" he repeated. GIR saluted, then promptly turned around and tapped one of the ladybugs with a "boop".
The beetle grew to twice GIR's size, wiggling its mandibles and hissing softly.
"GIRRRRRRR!" Zim fumed. The little, malfunctioning SIR unit just giggled as the other ladybugs enlarged to match the first's size around him.
"The ladybugs is REEEEEAL angry!"
One of the now humungous beetles flew atop the oblivious robot, hissing more loudly. GIR giggled maniacally.
"BUG HAT! AHAHAH! GET IT? I don't get it."
The ladybug screeched, spraying disgusting blue saliva everywhere. The others joined in, creating a noise so spine-chilling that it could send fifty Xlactians (known for their ferocity and strength in battle) running for the hills like terrified Earth rabbits.
Much to GIR's dismay, Zim shot his "bug hat" into oblivion with this PAK lasers, screaming, "AIIIGH! BUGS!"
This angered the other gigantic insects,, who began throwing themselves violently at the horrified Irken.
The smeet woke up from her slumber during all the commotion, adding her cries to the confusing mix of Zim's gunshots, the ladybugs' screeches, and GIR's wails of dismay at his friends being blown to heck.
Once every ladybug was nothing but a splatter on the forest floor, Zim was left with a screaming smeet, a sniffling GIR, and some overly loyal blob creatures bowing obediently at his feet.
"All hail Zim, destroyer of blerks!" they chanted.
Zim turned away momentarily from the tiny version of himself and gave them a nervous and slightly awkward smile.
"Yes, all hail me, destroyer of blarghswhatever. Go away now, tiny bean-things! The Voot Cruiser must be repaired so I can take Earth for Irk and obliterate humankind!"
A blob servant wearing a fedora turned to one of his companions, who was sporting a fancy top hat and monocle.
"Zim is most wise. If we are to thrive, we must find our own way independent of our leader. It will please the almighty Zim."
The monocle-wearer nodded in agreement.
"Yes, yes, very true."
Zim turned around, frustrated.
"SERIOUSLY, GO AWAY!" he demanded.
One servant dressed like a cowboy addressed his fellow blobs.
"Zim again is most wise. There is no thriving without going away. WE SHALL GO AWAY TO PLEASE ZIM!"
"ALL HAIL ZIM!" the rest chanted in unison, earning a facepalm and an aggravated growl from said Zim.
Suddenly, a series of screeches sounded from the skies, immediately alerting the Irken. He snapped his head up in surprise, and was met by a truly terrifying sight. The blerks had returned, seeking revenge for their fallen comrades. The blob-creatures screamed in terror, GIR just clapping happily to see his ladybug friends returning. The smeet, on the other hand, just continued on wailing.
"THE BUGS HAVE RETURNED!" Zim screeched, instinctively firing at the one nearest to him. Unfortunately though, the shot bounced right off its hard exoskeleton, instead burying itself in a nearby tree.
Zim tugged on his antennae, continuing to fire.
"They have developed a resistance to being destroyed! DEFEND ME, AMOEBA THINGS!"
His loyal servants set the screaming baby Zim on the forest floor, then selflessly threw themselves at the ensuing blerks to protect their leader, calling out, "Protect Zim at all costs!"
Unfortunately for them, their heroic acts were only rewarded with many of their own being destroyed. Insides sucked out, torn in half, you name it.
In all the confusion, Zim was able to grab ahold of his clone and dash behind one of the weapons that was thrown clear of the Voot during the crash. Thanks to the smeet's wails, Zim's superior hearing was becoming more of a disadvantage than much else. He pulled on his antennae in agony, trying and failing to calm the child down.
In his distraction, the blerks had descended on the Voot and began carrying it off, much to GIR's apparent excitement.
"They takin' the ship!" he squealed.
Zim looked up from the crying clone in the direction of GIR's pointing finger, to be met with his precious Voot Runner, far from his reach, drifting away in the clutches of the blerks.
"NOOOO! Come back here!" he begged, desperately reaching to the heavens. But it was no use. The giant ladybugs were long gone. The flustered Irken turned to his servants in a panic.
"Tiny blob-things! Go reacquire Zim's ship! I cannot return to Earth without it!"
They obediently scooted off into the woods, calling, "We obey!"
Zim nervously faced GIR, who was intently trying to shove a ginormous rock into his mouth.
"GIR!" The Irken cried. "Without the ship, I could be stuck on this planet FOR ETERNITY, and also you would be too but that's not as serious! And this planet is a Slorg's armpit! And-WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CRYING!"
He was referring, of course, to the smeet, who stopped crying for a moment all so her lip could quiver a bit and she could begin wailing even harder. Before Zim could yell at her again, the blobs returned sadly, hanging their nonexistent heads and now twice the size they were before.
"O great Zim!" they cried. "We have spent thousands of years attempting to reacquire your ship!"
Zim gave a confused sideways glance to GIR and his now silent clone.
"It's only been thirty seconds."
The blobs began crying their nonexistent eyes out.
"We are failures, o tall one!" one sobbed. "The blerks are too powerful for us to defeat! Their shells too strong! Their teeth to sharp!"
"OUR SHAME BURNS OUR SOULS!" lamented another.
Zim shoved GIR aside without a second thought.
"Yes, yes, shame and burning, but did you FIND my ship?"
The first blob looked up. "Yes, o lord of tallness! They took it to their hive, a five-hundred year trek THAT WAY!"
It pointed toward an area of seemingly endless forest.
Zim's antennae twitched in frustration.
"MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?" he lamented. GIR stood up off the ground, lovingly holding his pet in his metal arms.
Zim studied the squishy, blue and black slug, coming up with an idea almost immediately.
"I AM GENIUS! GIR, throw your slug into the ooze pond!"
GIR happily obliged.
Two minutes later
"ERRRRR... THIS IS USELESS!" Zim raged, stamping his boot on the grassy ground.
"How can it destroy my enemies with such tiny nub-arms!"
He gestured to the now freakishly gigantic slug, who was happily being hugged by a lovestruck GIR. The little smeet laughed, but it sounded a bit more like a hiccup than much else.
One of the blob servants nodded in agreement.
"Zim's wisdom is supreme. There is no victory with nubs."
Zim grumbled and sat down in frustration on top of one of his scattered weapons. Another thought suddenly popped into his brilliant mind.
"AH! I have another even more amazing idea!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxz
The planet's two moons slowly rose that night over a tunneled-out cave, illuminating the thousand or so blerks comfortably snuggled into the walls. After only about five minutes of rest, a giant slug poked its head over the ledge, being ridden by a very confident Irken, his SIR unit, and a tiny smeet laying in a cradle-like structure attached to the monstrous creature.
"Oh, hello there and also KABAMMM!" Zim laughed, violently obliterating every single blerk that came his way. A punch to the right, a shock blast though the chest to the left, it was total chaos. Fortunately for Zim, he was winning by light years.
Somehow, regardless of the violent movement of the slug creature, the plasma gunshots, and Zim's signature evil laugh, the tiny clone found a way to fall asleep, much to the original's relief.
Soon, nothing was left but giant ladybug monster guts and an Irken that was quite pleased with himself.
But then again, when was he not?
The ride back on the giant slug was quiet (finally), which meant Zim had some time to think to himself. Particularly about what he was going to do about this smeet of his. He couldn't just send it off to the academy; it wasn't old enough to receive a custom PAK that all naturally-born Irken children had to get when they grew large enough.
The Irken child turned over with a yawn, making Zim's antennae perk up. He glanced down to his clone, who was snoring softly and snuggling into the blankets made from tree leaves, which her father had given her since the planet's nights were so cold. A strange feeling overcame him, but he just couldn't make sense of it, so it was dismissed.
Soon the giant slug was dragging its way into the forest as Zim and GIR watched. The smeet, on the other hand, was still sleeping soundly in Zim's arms.
"I'll never forget you, Dennis!" GIR called cheerily, waving goodbye.
Zim pulled out his space-wrench eagerly.
"Now to repair my ship so we can FINALLY leave this horrid place!" he announced, turning around only to end up face to face with one of his blobby subjects. Well, more like face to foot, since his servants were now almost five times as tall as he was.
"Lord Zim. We repaired your chariot years ago when you first returned from the Blerk Wars of 15010," one explained majestically. Zim blinked and stepped backward a bit.
"You fixed my ship?"
The Tallest of the blobs nodded.
"Yes, many years ago when you hurt us so by destroying the blerks," it said.
"So, I can go whenever I-" he stopped, confused. "Wait... Zim hurt YOU? WHY?"
The blobs moves closer, causing Zim's antennae to flatten against his skull in alarm. He didn't realize it at the time, but he found himself protectively clutching the smeet in his arms.
"Because you did not destroy us! Did we displease you?" the tallest one whined, sounding hurt.
"Why did you not destroy us?" the others chanted in unison. They began to close in even more on the trembling Zim.
"You WANT me to destroy you?"
He looked around nervously, as the sheer size comparison was starting to set in.
"Wait-why are you all so tall?"
The huge one leaned in threateningly, the tone of his voice seeming to depict having been betrayed.
"Zim, since the beginning of time we have worshipped you and existed only to please you. Long we have dreaded the day you would inevitably leave us to achieve your higher destiny of Earth's destruction."
"So we hoped you would destroy us first," another blob chimed in.
"Because destruction pleases you so," the tallest one finished.
"AND WE ONLY WISH TO PLEASE ZIM!" the rest said simultaneously.
Zim crouched down as his PAK legs sloooooowly edged out of his PAK, preparing to attack if necessary.
"S-seriously... why are you so tall? I SHOULD DESTROY YOU FOR GETTING SO TALL!"
The hugest one wobbled in excitement.
"YES! DESTROY US ZIM!"
The other blobs began chiming in with their own comments, like "All hail Zim!" and "Blow us up, Zim!"
One looked over at the others.
"Hold on. WHAT?"
Zim's antennae perked back to neutral, his PAK legs retreating calmly back into their container.
"Eh. Okay."
After pulling the cap off of an advanced-looking time bomb, he cheerily tossed the explosive over his shoulder with a "Here ya go!", giving he and his companions just enough time to escape.
Behind them, the entire planet, moons included, exploded in a spectacular flash of light, sending quite beautiful rings of plasma spiraling outward. The tiny Zim clone, now awake, pressed her face against the windshield and looked on with wonder in her ruby eyes. Zim punched a few buttons on the ship's console.
"Victory!" he cheered triumphantly. "We now return to Earth, GIR, where we shall destroy-"
He froze and looked around him.
"You left the weapons on the exploding place!"
GIR giggled obliviously.
"Great. Now I have to come up with another INGENIOUS plan to take over the Earth!"
The smeet began sucking on her foot contently, capturing Zim's attention and causing him to realize something he hadn't thought about before.
If she was a perfect clone, why was she a "she"?
It was easy to differentiate male and female Irkens because of their antennae and their eyes. Females has curled antennae and long eyelashes, while males had straight antennae that ended in a crook and virtually no eyelashes at all. This was thanks to the Control Brains, who got tired of scanning newborn smeets for gender identification.
Zim put the cruiser in autopilot and turned in his rotating chair. The smeet was sleeping soundly in the comfort of the passenger seat next to him, uttering soft purring noises that sounded oddly similar to an Earth cat. It was sort of a soothing sound, something that puts you at ease the moment you hear it.
Zim studied her more closely, how her perfect antennae curled into a flawless square shape, and her eyelashes...
Hey, that's weird...
Most female Irkens, some 99 out of 100, had eyelashes that ended in sort of a triangle shape, like Invader Tenn. The baby Zim, on the other hand, had sleek, reserved eyelashes that ended in only one point. They were highly unusual, and Zim had only ever met one Irken with eyelashes like hers.
Tak.
His squeedilyspooch lurched. No. It couldn't be. This was ZIM'S smeet, and Zim's alone. No questions asked.
Suddenly, a metallic object hit the windshield, waking him up from his thoughts. It wasn't exactly clear what it was, but Zim already had a pretty good idea, unfortunately.
He nervously piloted two metal arm-like attachments toward the projectilet, being extra careful not to damage it. After the claws successfully grabbed the strange object, the metal was pulled into a small storage bay next to the pilot's seat. Sweating, Zim turned itt over in his gloved palm. It appeared to be a heaphone of sorts, attached to its host through a needle that basically hacked the antennae so they could hear the intercom as well as their usual surrounding sounds. Generally it was only used for high-rank soldiers, but the occasional communications officer or medical worker would own one.
But this specific transmitter was awfully familiar.
Tak again.
Tak had been on that planet.
Zim almost threw up the contents of his squeedilyspooch right then and there. He had just blown up his absolute mortal enemy (next to Dib of course) and hadn't even given her a chance to fight back. As much as he wanted to jump up and cheer in victory, Irkens had a tendency to let their prey squirm and try to escape before they were killed. Tak, on the other hand, was none the wiser that she was about to die. Zim didn't even get the chance to gloat in her face first.
He looked over to his clone again. Tak wasn't completely gone. The smeet had her lashes. Her beauty mark. Actually, Tak had quite a few qualities about her that were highly unusual among Irkens. Her purple eyes, for example. Only about 30% of Irkens had violet as their eye color. Too bad Tak was the enemy, she actually might have made a good invader. Not as good as Zim, of course.
An alarm beeped on the monitor.
"PROXIMITY WARNING. PLANET AHEAD."
Zim looked up in front of the cruiser, where the insignificant and stupid planet Earth was located. Regardless of how much he hated the planet and its inhabitants, the swirling blue display of Earth somehow managed to captivate him every single time.
It was ironic, to say the least.
A/N: OHMYTALLEST that was long! Sorry to you slow readers out there but I wanted to complete the actual comic portion in the first chapter so the people who have read it already didn't know what was coming beforehand and get bored.
Also, this story is entirely finished in my notebook and the only thing I have to do on each chapter is revise and edit it. In fact, I've already started work on a sequel.
Feel free to give me some criticism, good or bad, because the whole idea of writing this kind of stuff is so I can get better at it.