Happier – Dean Ambrose
Walking down 29th and park
I saw you in another's arms
Only a month we've been apart
You look happier
Dean Ambrose took a deep breath of his cigarette, whilst turning around the next corner. For two hours now, he waited to get to his hotel bed to go to sleep. Seth and Roman had begged for him to go to dinner with them until he finally had given in, even if he was awake since now nearly two whole days und craved nothing more than sleep. He took one final breath before he threw away his cigarette. His stare moved from his stomped-out cigarette over to a small group of people in front of a night club who were talking more than loudly.
Suddenly he saw a familiar face among the group and felt how is heart dropped. Mia, his ex-girlfriend, closely entwined with somebody else. Deprecatingly Dean looked at the young man. He couldn't really see him too well in the dimmed light of the lamppost. He was smaller than him. Definitely not an athlete and from what he could make out the complete opposite of Dean.
He could understand that she wanted something new, but it shocked him how quickly she moved on. I had only been three months since they broke up and already she had found somebody new? It wasn't a secret that he messed up big time or that she deserved better then him. Still he secretly had hoped that she eventually would come back to him and forgive him one more time.
Saw you walk inside a bar
He said something to make you laugh
I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours
Yeah, you look happier, you do
He didn't know for how long he was already standing at street corner and watched her having fun with her friends while he was feeling more and more miserable as time passed. After a while the small group got into motion and without thinking twice about it Dean followed them. Always making sure to leave enough distance between them, so he wouldn't be spotted by them. For weeks he wanted to see her again, letting her walk away right know just wasn't possible.
After five minutes of walking the group in front of him stopped right outside of a small bar. The other guy sneaked his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side. Again, everything inside Dean screamed at the sight. He would love to push this guy away and take his place instead. But when he leaned down to Mia and whispered something into her ear and he heard her laughter he knew that what he was doing was wrong. She was happy. More than she ever probably had been in the last couple of moth that they were still together. How much he missed her laugh. But had he actually ever heard it when she was with him? He knew the answer but admitting, that she hadn't been happy with him for a long time would be too hard. Did he really what to ruin everything for her right now? Did he want to go over there and try to make up for something that he knew he never would be able to make up?
His decision was taken away from him, as they entered the bar. From where he was standing he could not only see her face, but also her friends face. As she smiled at him, he knew it wouldn't make any sense. Dean and her never looked at each other like that. And in this moment, he knew, that she was happier.
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody love you like I do
Promise that I will not take it personal, baby
If you're moving on with someone new
If he had the right to make a wish her way than he would want for her, that nobody ever made the same mistake as him. She deserved so much more, and he had missed his opportunity. Even if he wasn't happy about her new boyfriend and he told himself, that nobody ever could love her the way he did, he never would want somebody to hurt her like he did. If he could turn back time and erase everything that had happened, he wouldn't have to think twice. The look on her face when they broke up, the pain and anger in her eyes, nobody should ever see that again, nevertheless be the cause for it. She needed to be happy and if it the only way was being without him, she should continue. That she already had found someone new made him, as odd as it sounded, happy in some weird way. It showed that she as over the pain he had caused her and that she was ready for a new chapter in her life. Hopefully a happier one.
'Cause baby you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too
And until then I'll smile to hide the truth
But I know I was happier with you
He stood in front the bar Mia and her friends disappeared in for a couple of minutes, before he continued his way to the hotel. While he walked down the street he pulled out his wallet from his back pocket. Carefully taking out and unfolding a picture. He could bring it over him to throw it away, even if he knew it probably would be better and easier for him. It was the last picture they had taken together. Compared with her facial expression a few minutes earlier, in this photo she looked deadly unhappy. Back then he told himself it was only a phase in their relationship, that they needed some more time. He then he left. He left for the European Tour, was home for a few days and was gone again. How she felt with all of that never interested him. He just assumed that she was happy. But now that he had seen her, he knew she probably never was truly happy.
Two weeks after his breakup with Mia, he had been out with Roman and Seth at a bar in New York City to – what they said – help him get his mind of her and bring back the old Dean. He didn't remember exactly when and where, but at some point, their conversation turned into talking about his relationship and both of his friends promised him that he as well at some point would meet someone new with whom he could become happy again. He had just nodded and tried to smile as he had taken a sip from his beer. No, he knew he would never be as happy as he had been with her ever again.
And now he asked himself if he had really, he thought he could be. He wasn't somebody to led people in easily. He had problems to show his true feelings, it wasn't a secret and everyone that only spend a day with him would be able to confirm that. But with her everything had been different. The moment they met for the first time, he could already tell that she was different. With her everything just had been so easy. After a week Mia had probably known more about him than his own mother. Maybe it wasn't that hard regarding his childhood, but to it mend something to him. At this point In his life he never had been happier before.
Sat on the corner of the room
Everything's reminding me of you
Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier
Aren't you?
Reaching his hotel room, he couldn't think about anything else but Mia. He sat on the windowsill in the small room and looked down at the quiet street. No matter where he looked, everything reminded him of her or moments they had once shared. Their first time meeting each other, their first date, the first time he had took her to one of the shows, their first holiday. It made him crazy. His grip around the bottle tightened. Another one already laid empty on the floor in front of him.
As soon as he had reached the hotel lobby he had ordered himself two bottles of beer and had taken them to his room. He knew that without alcohol he wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. And even with the help of alcohol it would take him forever to close his eyes without seeing Mia's face in front of him.
With every sip he made, he told himself, that everything was good the way it was right now. She had found somebody who could make her laugh, somebody who would protect her. Somebody who wasn't him. She was happy, wasn't she?
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody need you like I do
I know that there's others that deserve you
But my darling, I am still in love with you
Aa he had finished his beer and went to bed, the timer on his nightstand told him it already as three in the morning. At five he would need to stand up again to catch his flight to Chicago on time. With a sigh he led himself sink back into the pillow and closed his eyes. But still, his thoughts flew back to the old familiar face. How she had smiled.
What had he thought just letting her go? He hadn't even tried to make her stay with him. He just let her go out of his front door, didn't run after her but instead accepted his faith. But now, he actually had the chance to think about everything, he knew, he needed her. Until now he always got along by himself. He never needed help from anyone. But how he was supposed to get along without HER he didn't knew. He now knew why he wasn't feeling like himself for weeks. He missed her, needed her. But at the same time, he knew that it would be selfish of him to stand in the way of her new-found luck. There was somebody else that deserved her more than he did.
But was it wrong to say, that he still loved her?
But I guess you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too
I could try to smile to hide the truth
But I know I was happier with you
After less than two hours' worth of sleep Deans was in a more than a sour mood. During breakfast he had told Seth and Roman about his late-night encounter, if you could even call it that. He was still trying to make himself think about something else, without success. And even his two best friends couldn't really help him. For the second time they reassured him that with some time it would get better and that she just wasn't the one for him. They had managed to convince him to go for a drink in Chicago after their show this night with the hope of him finding somebody new. Even though he absolutely wasn't a fan of this idea he still agreed. What was there left to lose? The one thing that was important to him, he would never get back anyway. After Seth told him he shouldn't be so down – which earned him a side elbow to the rips by Roman – he got up to get his stuff and was now waiting in front of the hotel for a taxi to bring him to the airport.
The whole ride to the airport he did not speak a word to Seth and Roman, but instead he just starred out of the window watching the streets fly by. Secretly he hoped to spot her again somewhere on the street. Just one last quick glance, just to make sure that she was safe. Just one glance to calm himself and to reassure him that what he did last night was the right thing.
Baby you look happier, you do
I knew one day you'd fall for someone new
But if he breaks your heart like lovers do
Just know that I'll be waiting here for you
Dean sank back into his seat as the plane took off. Leaving the city was the only way for him to leave Mia behind him as well. In the next city he wouldn't accidently bump into her. And probably that would never be the case again. He would let her be, trying to not get in her way the best he could. Even though it would be hard for him. He managed to do it the last night, so he would be able to do it again. He knew that at some point the moment would have come, that she would have realized how broken he actually was. He wasn't good for her, broken since his childhood, nothing she could love forever. He had known it but still hadn't done anything against it.
And he knew that if at some point she ever needed him again, ask him if he could help her, he wouldn't be able to say no. Even if it was wrong. He would always be there for her. He loved her too much to let her go forever.