Chapter 1- And So It Starts
(okay people, say it starts in the Rafiki voice from the old Lion King video game)
One of my favorite movie opening lines of all times was from Steve Martin's movie, The Jerk. To hear the words 'I was born a poor black child' said in Steve Martin's distinguished voice set the tone for the entire movie and to a certain extent, his wonderful comedic career. I've always envied Steve Martin. He was funny, smart, and was living his dream. What I loved most about that movie was the silent messages it sent:
family, whether by blood or adoption, would love you and be there when you needed then and vice versa
don't judge a book or a person by their cover
Me? I'm just a lost co-ed about to graduate with a literature degree from WSU. I, Anastasia Steele, still feel lost. The reality is, I'm not certain why I feel this way. I worked hard through high school to ensure that I'd qualify for some college scholarships. I knew I wanted to major in literature so I could eventually become a book editor. My first steps toward my preferred career are before me. I have interviews lined up in Seattle, yet even after living the past four years in Portland, I can't shake the feeling of being a small town girl from rural Montesano.
My insecurities will follow me my entire life, or at the very least, that is my biggest fear. I was fortunate to have a wonderful roommate all through the four years in college. What can I say about Kate Kavanagh? We are as opposite as they come. She's big city and I'm country. She's pure fashion and I'm a jeans and t-shirt type of a girl. Her makeup and hair are always flawless while I'm a mascara, lip-gloss, and ponytail on my good days. We found it amusing that in many ways we envied each other. We decided one day in calculus that blending our personalities, traits and lives together you get a real person. I dressed her down and she dressed me up. She taught me to wear a push up bra while I taught her that walking between buildings required chucks as opposed to six-inch heels. We are co-dependence at it's finest and love every minute of it.
As you can imagine, Kate is outgoing while I'm painfully shy almost to the point of needing therapy. She has enough friends to make my head spin while I have three: Kate, Ethan, and Jose. Ethan is Kate's older brother, or as I call him, surfer dude without the mad skills. The only things the Kavanagh siblings have in common are intelligence, obviously parents and good looks. Kate is over the top, parties, and loves to dance. Ethan is studious, serious, and though he dresses like a surfer dude, is the only person on this green earth more uncoordinated than I am. Jose is on the shy side like I am. He hides behind his camera. He's sweet, kind, loyal, and our father's are friends from their military days. Other than my dad, Ray, and my mom, Carla, these are the people I trust in life or as Kate would call them 'Ana's fucking posse'. It's embarrassing even to write that.
Even though Kate and I are moving to Seattle together, the thought of the big city overwhelms me. When I mention it to Kate, she laughs and advises me never to move to New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, or any other large city because my brain will explode. Somehow I don't doubt it. Unlike Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I couldn't imagine leaving home, but I pushed myself to move to Portland four years ago and I met new friends. I'd be lying if I didn't mention that I missed Ray and the times we spent together in Montesano. He is the best father ever. Without his nurturing hand, I would have been completely lost.
Kate is the editor of the college newspaper. She's going to be one hell of a journalist one day. Today, even though she's flu-ridden, she's driving down to interview some billionaire that she's been referring to as Sex-on-a-stick Gay since his assistant accepted the appointment nearly nine months ago. I'm actually embarrassed because I don't even know his real name. She's gone on and on incessantly about him, which I don't understand. I mean, if he's gay then he's not interested in her, so stop drooling, do the interview and move on, right? What am I missing here? Oh, that's right, I'm missing hormones according to Kate. I still remember the night Kate and Ethan sat around and debated in front of me whether I was straight, gay or would eventually reproduce by asexual reproduction. It took all the self-control I had not to snip at them that I wasn't a bacteria. By the end of the night I accepted the fact that I would forever have my hymen intact and I was okay with that because the reality is I knew two guys well and stealing a line from Kate, neither them made me wiggle.
Honestly, I love my roommate and my friends, but sometimes I just need to get back to Montesano to calm myself down. Today is one of those days. Kate is probably breaking the land-speed record for the trip between Portland and Seattle, Ethan is back in California taking finals at Stanford, and Jose is most likely studying as next week is finals week. All I want to do is head home, but I know I can't. It's too far and I can't lose four hours or more of precious study time. This is the only time I actually work out, when I'm homesick and stressed, so jogging it is along with a stop at Alma's Chocolates to get their Good Luck Collection and go into a sugar coma.
Work out clothes on, hair tied back, water bottle ready, ear buds in, music on, cab fair for when I inevitably fall or pull a muscle, and off I go. There is nothing worse than the feeling of pounding the pavement under the pretext of exercise, knowing all you are really doing is running toward chocolate. Does that make me a bad person? At least I picked Alma's, which is three miles away from the apartment. If I survive the run and don't end up in the emergency room, I feel I've earned Alma's decadent goodness. Might even eat a massive slice of their double chocolate cake when I get there or two. I'll prove Kate and Ethan wrong, I'll have an Alma's food baby. In the back of my mind, I almost feel guilty because I knew if I were sitting down, the thought of Alma's gooey goodness would make me wiggle. If they do another sequel of American Pie, I could audition for a role. Jason Biggs put his thingie in a pie … Oh My God! I've gone dark side. All I can think of is a chocolate version of Kate's dildo, which she left in the bathroom one night. Screw that, I can "blow it" as opposed to the other end. I can orally gratify a chocolate dildo. It's a compromise at least. Great, now people are looking at me blushing profusely and running. Thankfully I'm not telepathic.
After an hour, I feel like Rocky as I stand on the front step of Alma's with my hands in the air. I'd say Stallone has nothing on me, but the thought of anything Stallone on me makes me want to vomit before taking a shower with Clorox gel and a new body scrubber. I take my place on the queue, impatiently waiting my turn as I ogle the one slice of double chocolate quadruple layer cake that's left. My fingers are crossed hoping no one orders it before me. All I want is that, a glass of milk and my to go order and life is golden at least until the sugar rush wears off. As it finally becomes my turn, I let out a 'yay' before I order my cake, a large glass of milk and my Good Luck Collection with an order of Peanut Butter Bonbons. The Bonbons are Kate's favorite and I'm betting she'll need chocolate when her precious Mr. Sex-on-a-stick Gay asks where she got her shoes and if they come in his size.
By the time I finish my gazillion calorie chocolate delight, I'm ready for a nap. As I head outside with my to go order, I watch for a cab while I window shop. Not an easy feat, but I like looking into store windows as opposed to actually entering the shops. A few blocks from Alma's, I come across a store window that is slightly tinted, but you can still see inside. My jaw drops at the sight of barely leather-clad mannequins, a display featuring vibrators, bottles of what I'm assuming are lubricant, and assorted fuzzy handcuffs. Holy shit!
My cheeks flush. I feel lightheaded from shock. I feel myself sway as I hear the ground roar underneath my feet and bricks begin falling from the building. The sidewalk near me cracks between my legs. My balance is a thing of the past as I feel myself start to fall. Reflexively I look down only to find an abyss and the fall feels like it will never end. Bricks and stones are raining down on me as I finally hit the bottom and everything just stops as my consciousness fades to nothingness.
All I know is my body aches and it's too much effort to open my eyes. Just trying to move causes me to moan in pain, so I decide to just lay here waiting for help to arrive. I hope someone got the number of the proverbial truck that ran me over because this takes suckiness to a whole new level.
I have no idea how long I rested, but what sounded like a small version of my beloved Beetle Wanda's horn blaring in my ear, made me decide to finally open my eyes. The moment I open them, I gaze around and quickly close them again, wondering if there wasn't LSD in my milk. The sky is fushcia, the grass is neon green, mushrooms growing that look more like breasts with slightly darker nipples, the trees are all black with assorted toys growing on them – dildos, handcuffs, something that I really don't want to know where it goes in different sized, and next to me is my Wanda or what I believe is my Wanda only it's the size of a remote control car, has yellow eyes that blink, and is smiling at me.
I count backward from ten before opening my eyes again, reluctantly sitting up with a groan, and glance at my surroundings. I can't help but pat little Wanda on the roof. "Well Wanda, it doesn't look like we're in Portland anymore."
Wanda beeps and I look down at her. Her little face smiles, her eyes light up to the brightest yellow and if I'm not mistaken, I can see the mischief in her bright eyes. "Fuck no, we're not. It's time for an adventure!"
Author's Note: yes a Pinterest Page will be forthcoming.