The funeral was dreary, but all funerals are.
To be honest I don't remember most of it. A sob was heard here or there, rain poured down in buckets, Robin occasionally cried.
His name feels like a stab to the heart. Robin.
My heart use to soar when I heard that name. A smile used to light up my eyes and my face and my life. Robin was my beacon of hope.
WAS.
He's gone. He's gone and I'm all alone. He promised he wouldn't leave me, wouldn't hurt me. But he did, they always do.
That's not fair though, he didn't leave me on purpose. He sacrificed himself for me.
I would have easily taken the "bullet" for myself. I wouldn't have thought anything about it. I would have died, I want to die.
Without Robin there is no meaning to my life. A literal half of my soul is broken, gone forever.
Of course I have Henry but he hasn't said two words to me since the ordeal. Neither has anyone else in fact. Their main focus is on their savior; Emma.
Anger burns through me when I think about her. How many times has Hook died and come back to life? How many mistakes has she made but yet always comes out on top. It makes me sick. No matter how much I try to change fate is against me.
I'm a villain, and villains don't get happy endings.
I miss him. So much. So much that I am in physical pain. My chest is tight without his touch. Ghost memories haunt my vision and ghost touches play over my skin.
He was my rock, my world, my soulmate.
I did this to myself. Love is weakness. Dear Cora was right after all.
I am vaguely aware of someone trying to get my attention.
"Regina, Regina darling how are you feeling?" Zelena slides into the booth across from me and grabs my hands.
I flinch at first but don't pull my hands away.
Her green eyes are sparkling with guilt and concern. It is strange to be in close proximity with my sister. To be close to her and to count on her.
The black she is wearing starkly contrasts her red hair and light eyes. It makes her stand out amongst the crowd and draws some of the darkness away from us.
Robin lies still in her arms sleeping.
Chatter flows around the room with a somber tone. Everyone avoids the booth like the fricken plague but don't avoid sending pity glances at me. Grow a pair.
I go to say that I'm fine but catch myself instead. I am so tired of being fine. "I'm feeling, I'm feeling broken. I feel mad. I feel sad. Yet at the same time I feel nothing. Like a huge void has been ripped in my life and all I can do is stand back and watch. I want to scream, to shout at God and blame him for everything that has happened except I can't. I can't because there is no God, no God would do this to me."
Zelena nods her head and slowly rubs her thumb against the back of my hand. Just like Robin used to do.
I can't breathe.
I abruptly stand and slowly back away. Tears stream down my face as I slowly go toward the exit.
We used to sit in here and eat as a family. He kissed me in the booth to my right. We colored a picture for Roland here. We planned our future here. We lived here. We loved here.
He's gone and I can't breathe and I continue to back up until I hit the wall and everyone is staring at me and I still can't breathe. The room is closing in and Robin isn't here to calm me down, to tell me it's going to be okay because he's dead.
HE'S FUCKING DEAD. HE'S BURIED IN THE GROUND WITH DIRT AND BUGS AND IT'S LIKE HE NEVER EXISTED. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE HERE ONE MINUTE AND GONE THE NEXT. HE WAS HERE AND THEN HE WASN'T, LIKE I BLINKED AND HE WAS GONE.
"Regina?" Mary Margaret walks towards me as everyone else watches. Concern is painted on her face like her perfect makeup and I can't stand it. She has a husband and children and a future, I have nothing. I HAVE NOTHING.
Mary Margaret goes to touch me and I slam back farther into the wall. Everyone's eyes are on me and I can't stand it
I make a sound somewhere between a sob and an animalistic cry and run into the back before everyone can see me crumble.
The hallway sways and I claw onto the side of the wall for support. The very spot I am standing in is where he kissed me while I was wearing the red dress. While we were formulating a plan to destroy my sister.
Pain shoots through every fiber of my being.
I can hear people calling my name.
I start to walk for a few steps before my world starts to tilt again. I grab onto the wall but it's too late. I faint and Robin isn't there to catch me, and he never will be again.
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I hear my name being called in flurries around me. People scatter to my side and my eyes remain closed.
Hands brush my hair back and stroke my face. Just like he use to do.
I snap my eyes open and smack the hand away. The hand happened to belong to Mary Margaret. Emma, David, and Zelena stand around me.
Everyone's hands are outstretched and I take stock of who I should pick to help me up.
I would rather die than let Emma help me up. Mary Margaret isn't much better.
Zelena hands David the baby and I latch onto her hand. In a quick motion I am on my feet.
Zelena wraps her hand around my waist for support and takes Robin back from David in the other arm. The strength of her grip calms me down some.
Everyone else looks hurt that I didn't choose them but frankly I don't care. They don't care about me and I don't care about them.
Once I am up I walk out of my sisters' grip and transport myself home.
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The dark mansion mirrors my mood. Desolate and gloomy.
My first instinct is to scream. To break every God damn thing in this god damn house that we used to share and be done with it. I am done with it, done with everything.
My eyes flit to the couch and an invisible knife slices through my gut as I remember one of my fondest memories.
"How many do you want?" Robin's heavy accent meets my ears and I instantly find myself smiling.
His back is against the end of the couch with his legs stretched out in front of him. I am lying on his chest and he is stroking my hair in a way that relaxes every bone in my body.
His question sinks in however and it stills me. He doesn't know that I can't biologically have children. For about the hundredth time I curse my younger self for drinking that potion.
"When I was younger I wanted 4 kids. 2 girls and 2 boys. For the girls I wanted Addison and Charlotte and for the boys I wanted Michael and Henry but I already used Henry." I find I am stuttering and speeding through my words towards the end.
Robin stops playing with my hair and taps my forehead so that I look up at him.
I raise my chin up and make eye contact with him. He looks concerned and a little bit confused. I flip over on my stomach and lay my cheek against his chest. Hearing his heart beat calms my heart.
"Regina why are you using the past tense, do you not want children anymore?" He resumes stroking my hair.
To avoid all possible eye contact I remain listening to his heart beat. "When I was younger I sent my mother away to wonderland."
Before I can continue he interjects "I know love I've heard that story a million times"
I lift my head from his chest and shift my legs under my butt and sit on them so I can look him in the eyes. He deserves at least that much.
"Yes but what you don't know is that she came back. She came back and I thought she was going to force me into having children and using them for her own personal gain so I took a potion. I can no longer have children." A stray tear shines down my face and I quickly go to wipe it.
"Regina…." he tries to find my eyes but by now I've hidden them once again.
"I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you I'm sorry that I've stolen this opportunity from you I'm sorry…"
Robin silences me with a quick kiss to the mouth. "There are other ways to have a child Regina. I love you. I don't want to hear yourself apologizing again."
With that the topic is dropped and I lay back down on his chest. If he realizes a few of my tears leak onto his shirt he doesn't say anything.
The ghosts of the scene disappear in front of me like whips from a cigarette. My checks are damp with a new round of tears.
Pain hits me like a fricken truck and I have to double over to stop from collapsing. It comes from all around and swarms me like an angry group of bees.
It's blinding and incapacitating. Robin used to help me breathe, to calm me down, to make me feel alright. Who else will want to help me?
I'm stumbling around my house, old memories fly by me at a mile a minute. I find my way to the liquor cabinet and pull out the biggest bottle of captain morgans rum. The shine from a nearby shot glass distracts me and I bring it along too.
After a trip upstairs I am back at the couch. I lay out the bottle, the shot glass, the glass cup, and a bottle of pills I got from my medicine cabinet.
I'm an addict. I used to be addicted to power, to revenge. But before that there was something else. Something even more dangerous, even more thrilling.
I pour a shot of alcohol and take out 2 pills from the bottle. I play with the pills in my fingers. I hadn't dabbled in this danger zone for quite some time. It thrills me and for the first time since Robin has died I feel alive. In a quick motion I knock them back as well as the shot of alcohol.
The drugs start to take effect after a few minutes and I can finally breathe.
An addict has to be addicted to something right?
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"You should go check on her." Emma stares at me from across the island. I'm trying to make everyone diner as a distraction. King David may not know how to cook but Storybrooke David does. The noodles had just started to boil when Emma began her rant from the other side of the counter.
"I mean I know it's not your responsibility but no one's heard from her and mom is starting to hyperventilate over there. She wants me to go over but Regina would rather die than see me and I can't say I blame her."
I scan the room until I spot my wife in the bedroom. She is sitting on the bed rocking back and forth with empty eyes. A great sigh leaves my lips and I abandon my dinner.
The rocking is constant and makes my nerves fire at top speed. I've only ever seem her like this twice before. The first time was after Regina's threat of the curse in the enchanted forest, the second was after Snow killed Cora, and now will be the third. So basically she only gets like this when it involves Regina.
I kneel in front of her but she doesn't seem to notice. Her eyes are trained straight ahead and her hands are covering her ears as if shielding her from the world in a way I wish I could.
"Snow" I try softly. I receive no response from her.
I gently lift her hands from her head and place them between mine.
"I know you're worried about Regina and so am I. I'll go check on her right now. Dinner is on the stove I'll be home soon." I kiss her on the forehead and am relieved to see a small smile light up her face.
Through thick and thin Snow has stood by Regina and it has always amazed me. There is no shortage of loyalty and I don't know how she does it.
I rise and move across the room. I hear a small thank you from my wife and smile back in her direction.
Once I am out of the loft I can let my smile drop. Whatever I am going to see in the mansion tonight it won't be pretty.
Regina and I have gotten much closer in the past few months and though I have now come to look at her as one of my friends I'm not sure how she sees me. She is a complicated woman, and extremely dangerous if I am not careful.
The evil queen may be out to play. For her sake and for Henrys, I hope that isn't true.
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A knock pulls me out of my temporary drug cathartic state. It is loud and dominating and I know it is coming from David.
I look around and find that I have slipped onto the floor. My head rests against the couch.
"Regina? Regina it's just me there's no one else here" he pauses and I don't answer "Regina come on let me in."
With a wave of my hand (I am very surprised I can still do magic right now) the door opens and I hear footsteps walk into the entry hall.
He calls for my name again but I don't answer. His footsteps are looming ever closer. I know what will happen when he finds me. He will be angry at me.
The steps recede and head upstairs. After some time up there they return to the main floor.
After what seems like hours he finally steps into the modern room. My legs are stretched straight out in front of me. The fireplace is to my left and David is now to my right.
I tilt my head to the right to look at David.
"Regina what are you doing on the floor?" David approaches me but immediately stops as he spies the liquor bottle on the table. His eyes go back and forth between me and the bottle.
A scoff leaves his lips and he steps over my feet and moves them so he can sit in front of me. His eyes are staring into mine as his face gets closer and closer.
A pair of hands seem to stretch towards me in ultra-slow motion. I haven't taken the drugs in a while so the effect is stronger than I remember.
His hands go through my hair until they reach the back of my head. His face is mere inches apart from mine as he looks into my eyes.
"Regina, are you alright? Are you stoned?" His voice is a mixture of anger and surprise.
I try feebly to say no but I can tell my words come out slurred.
I can feel David shifting his hand around in his pocket and then a bright light shines in my eyes. I can see nothing past in it and I squirm under the beam.
David moves his phone flashlight across my eyes over and over again.
"David you're not a doctor what the hell are you doing?" I can finally push him away and attempt to get to my feet. Once standing I begin to wobble and David leads me back to the ground.
We sit in silence for a while. Through the haze I can feel his eyes on me. They pierce through the haze and pull me slowly to the shore. I don't want to talk about it but he sure does.
"Don't look at me like that David I'm grieving okay. My future just died. My future is in the ground with worms and maggots and other people's futures and they're all dead. They're all dead and I think you should have a drink so I don't have to be alone anymore."
I force open the bottle of rum and pour a messy shot for him. He accepts it and knocks it back without hesitating.
"Are those pills Regina?" He grabs them off of the table and looks at them. "Oxycodone Regina you know how dangerous these are." He goes to throw them into another room but he hits the bottle of rum with his elbow and the bottle of alcohol tilts dangerously as the liquid sloshes out of the bottle.
I grab onto it quickly and set it upright.
Alcohol drips onto my fingers and I lick them off and pour a shot for myself. He doesn't stop me and I take it down like water.
He downs another one, and then another one and before either of us realizes he's drunk and I'm more drunk than I was before.
"Let me tell you something David, life sucks" he goes to protest but I throw my hands up and he stops "maybe not for you and your cult of do gooders but it really sucks for me. I mean it really, really sucks. My boyfriend is dead, my old fiancé is dead, and my life is dead. Your daughter has ruined my life once again."
David starts to laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh. He laughs so hard until he can't breathe and I don't understand what's so funny.
He stops laughing and looks at me with tears in his eyes "Robin is dead." The laughing resumes and suddenly I start laughing too.
I laugh until my stomach hurts and I think I will die due to lack of oxygen.
"Your daughters a bitch." David bursts out laughing and I join him.
"My wife killed your mother."
"I tried to kiss you that one time, do you remember that?"
Another round of laughter fills the room and there are tears flowing freely. We laugh until we pass out and dreams take over our rowdy consciousness
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I know that I haven't updated my other fics for months and months and I'm sorry that I'm shitty I just lost my muse. Anyway I hope you enjoy this. I have no idea where I'm going with this butttttttt review and tell me if you like it and if you want me to continue J