Author's Note: This story has been censored to comply with Fanfiction's policy on MA content. Portions of the story have been censored (by the author) for explicit content. An explanation for the censorship is also included in the profile.
To read the story in it's entirety visit me on AO3 or my blog, links to these are provided in my profile.
Javier had his first homosexual freak out over a coffee cup. It wasn't the coffee cup exactly, it was Ryan's fingers around said object. The man had been toying with the thing for over an hour and while the liquid must have gone cold long ago he was still caressing the cup as though the warmth lingered. Kevin kept running his fingers over the handle in a distracted manner that had Esposito wondering what it would be like to have them run over his body like that. He was so disturbed by the thought that he stood up abruptly. Ignoring his partner's confused look he rushed to the men's room. Splashing water on his face, he looked in the mirror searching for some sort of answer. "What the fuck was that?" he muttered at his reflection. That night at the bar he went home with the first pretty thing that offered. Afterwards, lying on the woman's bed in a post coital sprawl he felt vaguely guilty. Javier spent the next few days studiously re-affirming his sexuality with some random ladies who showed up at the Old Haunt.
After a week, the incident was mostly forgotten as he grew a little concerned about his partner's behaviour. Ryan was acting a little more distracted and manic than usual. Watching the other man re-type the same report for the third time he had to ask, "Bro, what's up with you? You're acting even twitchier than Castle when Beckett's annoyed with him."
"It's nothing ... just Jenny's been a little temperamental lately. She's a bit unhappy that I've been getting home so late because of all the gruelling cases we've been having. She just needs to get used to it a bit and everything will be okay. That and sometimes I forget to text her that I'm going to be late and she gets worried."
Esposito refrained from commenting that Jenny was a little controlling. The woman obviously didn't get that crime didn't happen on a nine to five schedule and that Ryan just wouldn't be home on time because she wanted it that way. Instead he tried to be a little helpful, "Hey man, would it help if I tried to remind you sometimes?"
"Yeah, thanks bro."
For the sake of his sanity, Javier didn't examine too closely the warm feeling that grew in his chest when his partner smiled at him gratefully.
It wasn't until month later that the issue came up again. He had rationalised the first episode as a reaction to lack of sex and the fact that Ryan's fingers were like a girl's, elegant and slim. So to his alarm, his second homosexual freak out came at the end of a long day as they were finishing reports. Ryan was twiddling a pen in his hands and Javier watched as he tapped the end against his lips. The detective had to stifle a moan as he watched Kevin lick his lips then suck on the end of the object. The image blossomed in his mind of Ryan's rosy lips wrapped around his cock. He didn't realise he was staring until Kevin hissed at him, "Dude! What are you looking at?"
Rolling his chair further under the desk to cover his erection, Esposito smoothly snarked back, "Just looking at you making love to that pen thinking Jenny must be holdin' out on you if you're that desperate."
"Not funny bro." Ryan made a pained face but Javier missed it as he looked back down at his paperwork.
Esposito did however, hear the strained tone in his voice. "Hey man, just kidding, I didn't mean anything by it." Ryan smiled at him weakly and he inwardly cringed as another lewd thought crossed his mind. His pale skin was flushed and Javier wondered briefly if that was what it looked like in the throes of passion. He grabbed a case file and held it in front of him as he stood up. "I got to go file this then I think I need some coffee. You want a cup?" Not waiting for Ryan to answer he walked away quickly. A few minutes making coffee in the break room would be enough time for his current problem to go away, and he needed to think. It was definitely going to be another week cruising for girls. After making the coffee he walked back and placed a cup on Ryan's desk not catching the weary look his partner gave the liquid.
That night's liaison was mostly a disaster. As the girl went down on him he was uncomfortably reminded of his thoughts from earlier that evening. She looked up at him with her blue eyes and for a moment he saw Ryan kneeling in front of him. Keeping his panic in check, he gently tugged her away, "Sorry, sorry, I just can't do this right now." He zipped himself up, pulled on his jacket and quickly exited her apartment ignoring the confused exclamation following him out the door. He trashed his apartment that night in an epic temper tantrum. Grabbing a bottle of tequila out of the cabinet he sat down in the middle of the mess and drank himself into unconsciousness.
It took him slightly longer to get over it this time, but the parade of girls with absolutely no oral sex and copious amounts of liquor sort of helped. He reasoned with himself and came up with a million different scenarios for what happened. Kevin was sometimes just too effeminate, the makeup, his attachment to beauty products and his impeccable fashion sense could confuse anybody. Just this time Esposito over thought it, he argued in his mind. He told himself he was sure that was what it was. After about a week, he recognised that he had to pull himself out of his gloomy reflections when Castle refused to pour him another drink while they were at the bar.
When his last freak out struck him, Javier finally had to acknowledge that he had something for his partner. They were in the locker room changing when it happened. He turned just as Ryan had pulled off his slacks. The Irish man's powder blue boxers tightened and showed the clear definition of his ass as he bent over. Javier whipped back around as his own boxers tightened in response. Pulling on his jeans, he grabbed his jacket and held it in front of him as he made an excuse to leave quickly. At home he got undressed and slipped into a robe, he needed to conduct an experiment. Reluctantly, he sat in front of the computer contemplating his next move. Staring at the search bar he grudgingly typed "gay porn" and pressed the Enter button.
Esposito sifted through a few pictures and watched a few videos but they didn't do much for him. It was a test, and for some reason, he passed. However, on a whim he refined his search to pull up a scenario like the one earlier. After watching the video for a moment he clicked off of the page, sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. He imagined them alone in the changing room, Kevin in his boxers and him pinning the man to the locker behind him. Esposito masturbates as he fantasizes about having sex with his partner.
Author's Note: This story has been censored to comply with Fanfiction's policy on MA content. Portions of the story have been censored (by the author) for explicit content. An explanation for the censorship is also included in the profile.
To read the story in it's entirety visit me on AO3 or my blog, links to these are provided in my profile.
His head dropped to the desk as he realised what he had just done. This time he was too tired to stage a temper tantrum. Cleaning up his apartment with a hangover was not something he remembered fondly. So he wasn't gay for other men, just for Kevin. Where did that leave him? There were so many reasons why it just wouldn't happen. Kevin was his partner, Kevin was straight and most of all Kevin was married. If he really thought about it he understood why he had these feelings for him. They were partners; he would give his life for the man. Javier spent more time with Ryan than any other person in his life. They looked out for each other. Esposito knew what Kevin's favourite food was; he knew what his favourite tie was and which outfit looked best with it. He knew a myriad amount of things about the man that only spending time in close quarters and having a great deal of trust for each other would yield. It was really easy to chalk up it up as a natural progression of feelings.
Getting up from the desk he shuffled into his bathroom to clean up. Looking in the mirror he took in his haggard appearance. He was stuck. These feelings he was having would ultimately get him nowhere or would get him in trouble. Now that he had finally accepted them he didn't know what to do with them. There was no way he was ever going to say anything thing to Ryan. He cared too much for the man to jeopardise their partnership and disrupt the man's marriage. No, he would just have to work through this. With some time he might be able to put the feelings behind him and move on.