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DISCLAIMER: I own diddlysquat in this fic. I own zip, zilch, nadda, zero, and nought! And, get this; I'm proud of it! Bwahahahahahahah!
Gertrude: don't worry; she's seeing someone for that.
*swatting Gertrude away with fat teddy bear* This fic was written on a whim and is funny, so I decided to put it up... as far as I know, it has no plot line at all, but it starts off well. All my friends liked it and begged me to put it up, so I kinda did...
Not many o' my mates have heard my full fic, only funny lil' snatches, but they all reckon it's pretty cool... I hope you do too, so please enjoy!!
It was written with the help of duck, otherwise known as Loopy Sk8 chic, so I'd like to thank her heaps for listening to me and putting up with me. I REALLY appreciate it...
This is set a little after the second book.
Here we go...
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Artemis was terribly bored. He sat in the family jet, just leaving Ireland. Then, something in the white snow caught his eye. It was bright red, and looked eerily like blood.
"Juliet?"
"Yes, Artemis?"
"Stop the plane."
"But-"
"Stop the plane, Juliet."
"Where, Artemis?"
"Down there," Artemis pointed to the snow-capped mountains.
"Fine," she gasped. "What's that red?"
"We're about to find out. Stop the plane, Juliet."
"Yes, Artemis."
Once the jet was on the ground, Artemis stepped out and hurriedly made his way to the blood-covered snow.
In the middle of the snow was a child-size figure in a green uniform, bleeding profusely. The figure was wearing an LEP helmet.
"Juliet?" Artemis called. "Over here."
* * *
"Hello?" Root grunted. "No, Janie doesn't live here! This is a police station!" Root slammed the phone down and continued scribbling on paperwork, transfers and things of the like,
before the phone rang again.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Commander," came a voice, speaking in mud men language.
"Who is this?" snapped Root, taking a puff of his cigar, and following the anonymous callers' lead, speaking with the gift of tongues.
"You don't even recognise the sound of my voice? Tut, tut Commander."
"If you don't tell me who the hell you are-"
"Temper. Well, Commander. I suppose if you can't guess... it's me. Artemis Fowl the second."
"WHAT?!?!?" Root exploded. "How the HELL did you get this number!"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Quit playing the damn mind games, Fowl and let me get on with my job!"
"Commander, there is a reason for my calling, you know."
"I'm sure, but I'm in no mood to hear it."
"Oh," Artemis sounded amused. "I think you need to hear it."
Something in his voice kept Root from hanging up. "Go on. Make it quick."
"Ok. I have one of your officers."
"IF YOU THINK THIS WILL WORK AGAIN, FOWL, YOU'RE WRONG! LET THEM GO, AND WE WON'T HAVE TO HURT YOU! NOW I SWEAR I'LL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO HAVE
YOU HUNG, DRAWN AND QUARTERED AND ANYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP ME WILL BE CHOPPED MERCILESSLY INTO CHUTNEY!"
Artemis patiently held the phone away from his ear as Root rambled on and on, screaming every word.
When Root paused to take a breath, Artemis put the phone back to his ear.
"If you've quite finished?" Artemis said icily. "Then perhaps I can explain."
Root was still getting his breath back, so Artemis decided to start.
"Well," he began pleasantly. "We found him."
"FOUND HIM? What do you mean FOUND him!?!?!?"
"I mean, that we happened to see him, so we took him in. Of course, he was half-dead at the time."
"Who is he?" Root heaved.
"One moment," Artemis took the phone away from his ear. "Juliet?"
"Not sure," Juliet answered. "The badge is too scratched and dented."
"Thankyou," Artemis took the phone again. "The badge is too damaged."
"Fine," he took a breath to calm himself down. "What does he look like?"
"I don't know. Brown cropped hair. Longish nose. Pointy ears."
"Oh, and that's helpful," Root muttered sarcastically. "Let me talk to him."
"I'm afraid that's not possible."
"If you're not holding him for ransom, then what do you have to hide?"
"Why do you automatically presume I have something to hide? Unfortunately, he's still unconscious."
"How's he doing?"
"He'll live. If we had have left him, however, he would be dead by now."
"Whatever. Give me a minute," Root put the phone down. "FOALY!" he bellowed.
"What is it now, Commander?" the centaur stuck his head in the door.
"Get Short to come here now."
"She did a double shift an hour ago. She'll be asleep."
"Then wake her up!" Root yelled.
"But sir!" Foaly protested.
"Now, Foaly!"
"But she'll kill me!"
"Then it's been nice knowing you. Get her now."
Foaly pouted and left the room.
A few minutes later, Holly came into the LEP, looking extremely tired, and dangerous. On her way to the Commander's office, she amused herself by glaring evilly at passers by, to
watch them hurry off, terrified.
"What do you want, sir?" Holly asked sleepily, sliding into the chair across from his desk.
"Phone," Root held it out to her, and she took it, bewildered.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Holly."
Holly dropped the phone on the floor in shock. "That's Artemis Fowl," she said bluntly.
"Well done, Holly," Root said pleasantly. "But I think he wants to talk to you."
Holly stared blankly at him.
"Today," Root said pointedly. Holly picked up the phone.
"What do you want, Fowl?" she growled aggressively.
"Now really, Holly. Is that necessary? We are friends after all."
"I don't know what planet you're living on, Fowl, but here, we're anything but friends."
"Fine, fine. I have one of your officers."
"Fowl, I swear, if you don't give him back, I'll-"
"Holly," Root said warningly.
"I'll do something not entirely pleasant to you," Holly said through gritted teeth.
"I promise you, we're only helping him."
"I'm sure," Holly said sarcastically. "Give him back."
"Holly, we found him almost dead in the snow, so we took him back to the Fowl Manor. He's unconscious."
"Name?"
"I'm not sure, the badge is damaged."
Holly swore.
"Language, Holly!" Root said in mock surprise.
Holly glared. "He doesn't speak Gnomish!" on the other side of the phone, Artemis could hear some arguing in a different language. He drummed his fingers patiently, as they were
showing no signs of stopping.
Meanwhile, the officer in question was beginning to wake up. He opened his dark, sharp eyes, and saw Juliet leaning over him.
"Daa!" he jumped back in surprise, then saw Butler. "Anyone but you," he muttered, before fainting.
"Happy now?" Juliet demanded her older brother. "You've scared him half to death!"
Butler shrugged carelessly. "I didn't do anything."
Juliet whispered something into Artemis' ear.
"Holly?" he said loudly. "Holly!"
"What?" Holly snapped up the phone again, abandoning her pointless argument with her boss.
"He's part of the team that stormed- or rather, attempted to storm- the Fowl manor."
"How do you know? Did he wake up and tell you?"
"Not exactly. He woke up for a moment, but saw Butler and passed out."
"Poor guy. Can you really blame him?" Holly chewed her lip. "Can you read his rank?"
"I'm afraid not. I don't know what happened to him, but he looks pretty smashed up. And he doesn't have any magic either."
"If you give me a couple of hours to get there, I can check him out."
"OK. Shouldn't you check with the Commander first?"
"Probably. Doesn't mean I will, though. I'll probably be at the Fowl Manor in three and a half hours. If he's really bad, I can be there in two and a half."
"No, he's okay."
"Thanks, Fowl."
Holly hung up. "I'll see you, Commander," she stood up and began to leave.
"Do you need someone to come with you?"
"No thanks. I'm fine by myself."
Root shrugged. "Suit yourself. But keep contact at all times. I don't trust Fowl as far as I could throw Butler."
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Ok. First chapter down... like it?
Please review!!! *massive puppy dog eyes* I know this didn't really have any substance to it, but, as I said, I only put it up coz it's humorous... (*awed* whoo... BIG words!! Just sound 'em out, Bubbly...)
Thanks for your time!
Bubbly ^_^
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DISCLAIMER: I own diddlysquat in this fic. I own zip, zilch, nadda, zero, and nought! And, get this; I'm proud of it! Bwahahahahahahah!
Gertrude: don't worry; she's seeing someone for that.
*swatting Gertrude away with fat teddy bear* This fic was written on a whim and is funny, so I decided to put it up... as far as I know, it has no plot line at all, but it starts off well. All my friends liked it and begged me to put it up, so I kinda did...
Not many o' my mates have heard my full fic, only funny lil' snatches, but they all reckon it's pretty cool... I hope you do too, so please enjoy!!
It was written with the help of duck, otherwise known as Loopy Sk8 chic, so I'd like to thank her heaps for listening to me and putting up with me. I REALLY appreciate it...
This is set a little after the second book.
Here we go...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------
Artemis was terribly bored. He sat in the family jet, just leaving Ireland. Then, something in the white snow caught his eye. It was bright red, and looked eerily like blood.
"Juliet?"
"Yes, Artemis?"
"Stop the plane."
"But-"
"Stop the plane, Juliet."
"Where, Artemis?"
"Down there," Artemis pointed to the snow-capped mountains.
"Fine," she gasped. "What's that red?"
"We're about to find out. Stop the plane, Juliet."
"Yes, Artemis."
Once the jet was on the ground, Artemis stepped out and hurriedly made his way to the blood-covered snow.
In the middle of the snow was a child-size figure in a green uniform, bleeding profusely. The figure was wearing an LEP helmet.
"Juliet?" Artemis called. "Over here."
* * *
"Hello?" Root grunted. "No, Janie doesn't live here! This is a police station!" Root slammed the phone down and continued scribbling on paperwork, transfers and things of the like,
before the phone rang again.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Commander," came a voice, speaking in mud men language.
"Who is this?" snapped Root, taking a puff of his cigar, and following the anonymous callers' lead, speaking with the gift of tongues.
"You don't even recognise the sound of my voice? Tut, tut Commander."
"If you don't tell me who the hell you are-"
"Temper. Well, Commander. I suppose if you can't guess... it's me. Artemis Fowl the second."
"WHAT?!?!?" Root exploded. "How the HELL did you get this number!"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Quit playing the damn mind games, Fowl and let me get on with my job!"
"Commander, there is a reason for my calling, you know."
"I'm sure, but I'm in no mood to hear it."
"Oh," Artemis sounded amused. "I think you need to hear it."
Something in his voice kept Root from hanging up. "Go on. Make it quick."
"Ok. I have one of your officers."
"IF YOU THINK THIS WILL WORK AGAIN, FOWL, YOU'RE WRONG! LET THEM GO, AND WE WON'T HAVE TO HURT YOU! NOW I SWEAR I'LL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO HAVE
YOU HUNG, DRAWN AND QUARTERED AND ANYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP ME WILL BE CHOPPED MERCILESSLY INTO CHUTNEY!"
Artemis patiently held the phone away from his ear as Root rambled on and on, screaming every word.
When Root paused to take a breath, Artemis put the phone back to his ear.
"If you've quite finished?" Artemis said icily. "Then perhaps I can explain."
Root was still getting his breath back, so Artemis decided to start.
"Well," he began pleasantly. "We found him."
"FOUND HIM? What do you mean FOUND him!?!?!?"
"I mean, that we happened to see him, so we took him in. Of course, he was half-dead at the time."
"Who is he?" Root heaved.
"One moment," Artemis took the phone away from his ear. "Juliet?"
"Not sure," Juliet answered. "The badge is too scratched and dented."
"Thankyou," Artemis took the phone again. "The badge is too damaged."
"Fine," he took a breath to calm himself down. "What does he look like?"
"I don't know. Brown cropped hair. Longish nose. Pointy ears."
"Oh, and that's helpful," Root muttered sarcastically. "Let me talk to him."
"I'm afraid that's not possible."
"If you're not holding him for ransom, then what do you have to hide?"
"Why do you automatically presume I have something to hide? Unfortunately, he's still unconscious."
"How's he doing?"
"He'll live. If we had have left him, however, he would be dead by now."
"Whatever. Give me a minute," Root put the phone down. "FOALY!" he bellowed.
"What is it now, Commander?" the centaur stuck his head in the door.
"Get Short to come here now."
"She did a double shift an hour ago. She'll be asleep."
"Then wake her up!" Root yelled.
"But sir!" Foaly protested.
"Now, Foaly!"
"But she'll kill me!"
"Then it's been nice knowing you. Get her now."
Foaly pouted and left the room.
A few minutes later, Holly came into the LEP, looking extremely tired, and dangerous. On her way to the Commander's office, she amused herself by glaring evilly at passers by, to
watch them hurry off, terrified.
"What do you want, sir?" Holly asked sleepily, sliding into the chair across from his desk.
"Phone," Root held it out to her, and she took it, bewildered.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Holly."
Holly dropped the phone on the floor in shock. "That's Artemis Fowl," she said bluntly.
"Well done, Holly," Root said pleasantly. "But I think he wants to talk to you."
Holly stared blankly at him.
"Today," Root said pointedly. Holly picked up the phone.
"What do you want, Fowl?" she growled aggressively.
"Now really, Holly. Is that necessary? We are friends after all."
"I don't know what planet you're living on, Fowl, but here, we're anything but friends."
"Fine, fine. I have one of your officers."
"Fowl, I swear, if you don't give him back, I'll-"
"Holly," Root said warningly.
"I'll do something not entirely pleasant to you," Holly said through gritted teeth.
"I promise you, we're only helping him."
"I'm sure," Holly said sarcastically. "Give him back."
"Holly, we found him almost dead in the snow, so we took him back to the Fowl Manor. He's unconscious."
"Name?"
"I'm not sure, the badge is damaged."
Holly swore.
"Language, Holly!" Root said in mock surprise.
Holly glared. "He doesn't speak Gnomish!" on the other side of the phone, Artemis could hear some arguing in a different language. He drummed his fingers patiently, as they were
showing no signs of stopping.
Meanwhile, the officer in question was beginning to wake up. He opened his dark, sharp eyes, and saw Juliet leaning over him.
"Daa!" he jumped back in surprise, then saw Butler. "Anyone but you," he muttered, before fainting.
"Happy now?" Juliet demanded her older brother. "You've scared him half to death!"
Butler shrugged carelessly. "I didn't do anything."
Juliet whispered something into Artemis' ear.
"Holly?" he said loudly. "Holly!"
"What?" Holly snapped up the phone again, abandoning her pointless argument with her boss.
"He's part of the team that stormed- or rather, attempted to storm- the Fowl manor."
"How do you know? Did he wake up and tell you?"
"Not exactly. He woke up for a moment, but saw Butler and passed out."
"Poor guy. Can you really blame him?" Holly chewed her lip. "Can you read his rank?"
"I'm afraid not. I don't know what happened to him, but he looks pretty smashed up. And he doesn't have any magic either."
"If you give me a couple of hours to get there, I can check him out."
"OK. Shouldn't you check with the Commander first?"
"Probably. Doesn't mean I will, though. I'll probably be at the Fowl Manor in three and a half hours. If he's really bad, I can be there in two and a half."
"No, he's okay."
"Thanks, Fowl."
Holly hung up. "I'll see you, Commander," she stood up and began to leave.
"Do you need someone to come with you?"
"No thanks. I'm fine by myself."
Root shrugged. "Suit yourself. But keep contact at all times. I don't trust Fowl as far as I could throw Butler."
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Ok. First chapter down... like it?
Please review!!! *massive puppy dog eyes* I know this didn't really have any substance to it, but, as I said, I only put it up coz it's humorous... (*awed* whoo... BIG words!! Just sound 'em out, Bubbly...)
Thanks for your time!
Bubbly ^_^
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