The scene replayed itself in his mind for what seemed like the millionth time as he sat cross-legged on his bed. Centering himself wihin the force remained difficult. Despite Yoda's meditation techniques, repelling those memories remained impossible. Even after three months, the duel on Bespin continued to haunt him.
Everything about those memories hurt; he was brutally beaten by an opponent far superior to himself, he was mutilated in the most horrifying way, he tumbled down a shaft, leading to a near death experience... All of those memories were traumatizing, but they were not the worst.
The fact that he'd failed his best friend was more painful than any of those. So was the fact that Leia was probably worrying herself to death right now, with only her duties to the alliance to keep her sane. First Alderaan, now with Han, he wasn't sure if she could handle such loss again.
He knew exactly how she felt; Everyday, a thousand bad scenarios would play in his mind. Almost every part of him wanted to jump into his X-Wing and join the search for Han, but he was determined not to make that mistake again. Jumping without thinking when his friends were in danger was exactly the reason for this mess.
He didn't regret leaving his training, he simply couldn't. When he was a kid, His aunt would tell him that the biggest problem in the universe was that some people refused to be kind to those in need. Apparently, it was something she'd learned from his grandmother. Yoda had wanted him to do just that, to help the entire galaxy by not taking such risk, but the price was too much. How can one have compassion for those he didn't know if he couldn't have compassion for his own loved ones?
But he still made a terrible mistake; he'd jumped in, lightsaber blazing, into a duel he knew, deep down, that he had no chance to win. He just wished that, by some miracle, he could've managed to evade Vader or somehow defeated him with his few months of training. Perhaps Han would've been here right now had he contacted the fleet to coordinate a rescue mission. His only relief was that no rebel lives were lost on such a mission, but it wasn't of much comfort.
No, he wouldn't rush in this time, the bounty on Han was ' alive only ' so Fett had every reason to keep him alive. Chewbacca's contacts on Tatooine confirmed that 'Slave I ' hasn't been spotted near Jabba's palace in months. Jabba was Fett's main employer but the bounty hunter did work for many others, so they could only assume thathe got derailed somehow. The only positive thing was that the delay gave them time to prepare.
Which was why he was using every available minute to hone his skills in preparation for the what's to come. On Dagoba, Yoda had demonstrated some meditation techniques to strengthen his connection to the force, taught him exercises to increase his mind's dexterity in order to hone his telekinetic powers and instructed him on connecting with the minds of the swamp beasts and reading their emotions. These exercises were currently paying off as evident by the Astromech, the small pile of stones and the food container that were currently floating around in his room.
Thinking about Yoda however, brought feelings of uncertainty and unsure anger. Ever since Bespin, he'd been thinking long and hard about what Vader had said. The logical thing to assume was that Vader had lied, had only wanted to lure him over so he could use him against the Emperor, but, somehow, the force was singing that it's the truth.
There was also the matter of something else; the immense sorrow that had radiated from Vader before the jump to hyperspace. It reminded him of the sorrow and longing he could sense coming from Yoda every time they discussed the clone wars or the Jedi of old, he remembered practically feeling the weight of loss the ancient grandmaster had to endure.
"Luke...Son "
There it was again, the baritone of Darth Vader's voice booming in his head. Apparently, some sort of mental link was formed between them on Bespin, which only served to make him more and more uncertain. His mental shields were holding, which explained why the rebellion still had a fleet, but Vader's emotions were seeping through: sorrow, longing...remorse? and something he could never imagine coming from Vader. He had only felt it from a mother dragonsnake protecting it's children from the rain. Was it possible to bleed false emotions into the force? Yoda certainly never mentioned it during those months on Dagoba.
" Son...Please "
Placing his face in the palm of his left hand - his flesh hand - and releasing a tired sigh, he laid down the floating items as Artoo beeped in concern.
" I just don't know what to do anymore, buddy..." Why would Yoda and Obi-Wan lie about something like that? Were they trying to shield him from the pain? The horrible pain he'd felt as he hung above the reactor shaft? Or were they afraid that he might have hesitated to kill his own father?
Could he kill his own father? What would Darth Vader being his father change? He was still responsible for who knows how many deaths. The Rebels on Scarif and Vorgas Vas, the Plasma Devils...he killed them among countless others, he tortured Han on cloud city and Leia aboard the Death Star. He betrayed the Jedi and brought death and pain to so many people.
But how much better was he? He had killed so many that day in the death star's trenches, not to mention all the pilots and stormtroopers he engaged in combat. He knew there was no other way, the Empire would never compromise or stop committing atrocities throughout the galaxy. They were fighting for freedom, to protect the innocent, but that somehow didn't make him feel much better.
He had told someone dear to him once that he wished to know how exactly was Darth Vader ' seduced 'bythe dark side ."It's almost like he didn't have a choice." he recalled saying. Right now, he'd give anything forananswer. For, suddenly, Vader no longer seemed like someone whorelishes inhis job.
Realizing that his train of thought was leading him nowhere productive, he reached out with the force and a lightsaber flew into his palm. He got up, determined to bury himself in training for now.
Author's note: The Lightsaber Luke grabs near the end isn't his green lightsaber or his father's. You will know - or be reminded - where it came from next Chapter.