Hello there!
I felt like writing some angsty one shot and this is the effect. I honestly don't know what to think (besides my standard feeling that the ending could be better). I hope you will like it, though. :)
I suggest to read it with precaution because this story deals with very bad feelings and the subject is rather hard. It's about suicide attempt.
I rated it T but I have no idea if it shouldn't be higher. In case, let me know.
It takes place shortly after AOTC and Anakin is still a Padawan (married to Padmé but it isn't that important now, there are only mentions).
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
~~~ Heavy Rain ~~~
He was sitting there on the floor, listening to the sounds of heavy rain and its droplets that were echoing in the quiet room, if not in the entire Temple.
He wasn't a stranger to water. Not anymore. Sounds of rain could always calm his dark demons down, making all of the worries and fears disappear. He didn't know why - maybe it was an effect of growing up on the desert planet, or maybe just the feeling that there is more to rain than it seems. He couldn't describe it even if he tried.
As a child, he used to walk out of the building, just to feel happiness wash over him as droplets caressed his smooth skin. He would admire how gracefully they were falling from his body onto the ground. Then, he would get cold and sick. His Master would make him tea and soothe him to peaceful sleep. Occasionally, when there appeared another nightmare, he would wake up and seek for Obi-Wan's warmth.
With time, however, as he was getting older and older, everything started to change. His Master would find another excuse, or see a great opportunity to give him a lecture about releasing all of the emotions into the Force.
Fear was not befitting of a Jedi. Attachments should be forgotten. Anger wasn't good either. The best was to leave everyone's fate for the Force, because it will decide about the future.
Every night when he used to wake up in sweat, shaken by screams that would ring all over his head for a long time after getting up, he has always heard that dreams pass in time. That only here and now matters, nothing else.
He has never truly believed that the Force decides about everything; who shall die, and who shall survive. With years passing, he noticed that saying this just makes things easier. But it does not solve anything. It is just another excuse.
Rain droplets were now angrily hitting the roof and he could not find peace inside himself. His hand rubbed his hair impatiently, and he heard her voice again. She was screaming, begging. She was dying.
And he was too late. Too late to save her, to free her. He lost her, because dreams pass in time.
A thunder came suddenly, but it didn't scare him. He could feel anger, hot and searing, building inside him. They have always been holding him back, afraid of what he might become. Obi-Wan has never understood and he has never even tried to.
He felt first tear as it streamed down his cheek. He looked up, at the ceiling, as if it was invisible, letting him see the sky, the clouds and the rain.
He threw his lightsaber away, watching it fall to the floor with a metal clank. He took on his dark cloak, and left the gloomy, dead room, searching for Force-knows what. He wondered if life is as fragile as glass. After all, it may take only one moment and it can shatter just as fast.
The hallways were quiet and empty, cold. There was no soul here, only his light steps and this rain. Occasionally, he could hear a thunder somewhere outside.
Sudden desire to leave these walls and never come back was born inside him, and he wanted to get out, no paying attention to the storm. He allowed the pain to lead him, and he was walking rapidly, holding off the sobs, burying everything inside his tainted heart. He wanted to kill everyone who had stood on his way to save his Mother, he wanted to shout in despair, screaming that she was dead.
He drifted off, feeling hatred and fury burning inside his veins. He didn't even notice when, and how, he got to the slippy roof.
~~~o*o~~~
Obi-Wan Kenobi has never let personal feelings cloud his judgement. Obi-Wan Kenobi has always been a Jedi worth admiring, this, at least, was what younglings were thinking.
But they didn't see that he, as well as other people, isn't infallible. He is, he has always been. He did feel guilty for everything that has happened. For the war, for Qui-Gon's death... and for Anakin.
He knew they fell apart long ago. He knew it had been his fault - everything. He did not give what Anakin had really needed and wanted him to, he had never talked to him like to a friend. With time, their conversations were replaced by eerie silence.
And before he blinked, he realised they weren't as they used to be. Everything changed, and not every change is a good one. He couldn't stop it. On the other hand, though, has he even tried?
... No. He has chosen to ignore it, hoping that Anakin would do the same, that Anakin would simply forget. But it was a mistake.
Sounds of rain were driving him crazy. He couldn't get his thoughts together because every time he tried, another thunder or droplet hitting the roof snapped him out of this trance.
Then, he felt something in the Force. A serious disturbance that almost knocked him down. He did not know if it was because he has been a Jedi for too long, or if it was just a coincidence, but he had a bad feeling about this.
Go talk to him, you fool, he could hear his voice say. He couldn't argue with it. They do need to speak with each other until it is too late. Until they both drown in the darkness.
He left the room in a hurry. He should do it, he should try to make things clear again, as they once were. Those days were a distant memory, but he has remembered them. He still remembers. Maybe it's the main reason why it pains so much? He wanted to change reality, to make it a better place but he knew he couldn't?
He got lost in his thoughts and let himself relax, trying to use the brush of calmness coming from the Force.
It was when he saw him.
~~~o*o~~~
The ground was slippy and wet. Heavy rain made him shiver, as coldness of the droplets wrapped his cloaked body.
Lightning blinded him for a quick moment, but he continued on walking. Storm inside his heart was raging more than he would ever suppose it could. Moon that was hidden behind many grey clouds made him wonder if dreams really come true. If his life really belongs to this place. Because his heart certainly doesn't.
He looked at the sky, getting closer to the edge. His tears mixed up with droplets of heavy rain. The wind played on strings of his internal storm within a heart. He looked down. One step more, and he will be free from this torment. One step will be enough to forget and be forgotten.
He let his sobs go, the air was burning hot in his lungs, although he's never been more cold.
No one understands. No one's here to stop him. No one cares.
He looked at his golden arm, once a real limb. It reminded him of all of his failures, of the shame he brought to himself and his Master.
He moved its fingers, watching cautiously as it bends and stretches. He felt more and more guilty. He was nothing. He shouldn't even be here, in this Order. He was born to be a slave, and he is even now - slave of his heart, his feelings, his deep grief.
They always knew that. They always feared him. They didn't even trust him, why should he care?
He had nothing worth fighting for. Padmé will find herself a better, more successful husband. After all she has never been very keen on loving him. Their marriage was a lie. Like everything else he used to believe in.
Another thunder came. He closed his eyes and cried. Fresh tears caressed his cheeks.
"I love you, mom." he whispered, his sobs became more uncontrolled. He will make things good again. He will see his Mother again.
He swallowed and once again looked down. No, he has not been afraid. It was the only way to fix everything, to escape the reality.
He threw away the dark, wet cloak and lifted his leg, his body losing balance as it stood on one foot.
It was his last breath, his last thought. I will make things right.
Then, came a voice, and he wondered if he was alright, if he was sane.
"Anakin!" it shouted. Lightning struck and he clenched his fists, not turning around. His gaze was fully focused on the height.
He heard his heart beating in his ears. He felt the strings of his feelings break. He sobbed and let the pain claim him.
"Anakin!" the voice repeated, and it sounded familiar. He frowned in anger and turned around, eyes red from crying. His body was shivering in this coldness that wrapped his body.
He saw him. The man he used to call a father. He saw his cloaked figure, watching him from afar. His heart ached and he had only one thought.
It wasn't right anymore. It wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be a Jedi Knight, not this empty soul.
"Anakin, what are you doing there?" he asked, he could hear concern in this voice.
But he knew, he knew it was only another illusion, he's never cared. Why would he now? Why ever? He was a disaster.
He didn't respond. His wrathful blue eyes were silently staring at him. Desire to scream and cry rose suddenly. This man killed his Mother. He has been holding him back his entire life, feeding him lies.
Anger wasn't right, attachment wasn't right. How could he know what was right and what was wrong? The Jedi see only their truth, every other point of view would lead to the Darkside.
Obi-Wan swallowed thickly and made a step closer. Anakin reacted almost immediately.
"No, get away from me!" he shouted in despair, there was sorrow in his broken voice. "You're the last person I want to see!"
The man stepped back without a word, not turning his gaze from his apprentice. Terror lingered in the suffocating air.
"Let's-- Let's talk, Anakin. Please. Let's--"
"No! No, just shut up! Shut up!" he cried out, his hands trembling. The edge was slippy and he knew he could end this once and for all. His every next move could lead to death of his body, but liberty of his soul.
He was sobbing loudly, but it turned into a hiccup shortly thereafter. This man won't stop him, no one could stop him. He wanted to see his Mother, to hug her and hear soft I love you coming from her mouth.
"Please..." Obi-Wan's voice shook with fear. But Anakin didn't believe it was the fear of losing him. The Order certainly would throw a big party if he died. Maybe he should make them happy, just once.
"No, no! You-- you won't stop me this time!" he raised his clenched fist and noticed how much he was trembling, his foot slipped on the edge but he regained balance, heart beating now loudly.
"Anakin..." step forward was made, or even few. He looked at the Knight's feet and then, returned to his fearful face. They were so close and so distant at the same time.
Horror and regret lingered in strong and cold wind, making the silence more tormenting.
That's right, he should feel it. He should see what's like to lose, to see someone die while he's watching it helplessly. He should know his pain.
"Don't. Move." he hissed angrily, almost losing balance again. He swallowed and looked down, at flooded streets where he should be lying in a moment.
His body will remain here, but soul will be set free. No Jedi teachings could prove him wrong. He had enough of their lies, of their jealousy. They could only harm. Kill.
Sadness was smashing, choking him from the inside. Why has no one here asked him what he wanted? Why has no one here helped him when he most needed it? Now, his Mother is dead. She took with her his broken heart, his love and happiness. Not even Padmé could change it.
"Please, get-- get back here. Please. We will talk."
"Now you want to talk?! Why haven't you thought about it earlier, when I needed you?!" he shouted, his scream was dry but filled with distressing grief. "I-I was lonely, you left me, you left her!"
Obi-Wan blinked, water already soaking him to the bone. His hood fell from his head as the wind got stronger. He locked his gaze on his troubled Padawan. Had he seen what's going on earlier, he would have done more. Why has he been so blind to his suffering?
"Anakin..." he whispered. Thunder. Lightning. Another wave of heavy rain. They were drowning in it, dying because of the past, the time that will never be reversed.
He could say sorry thousand times, he could beg for forgiveness but it would change nothing. Nothing. Life cannot be brought back from the dead. Memories cannot be left forgotten. And scars cannot be healed.
"Don't do that, please. I will help you." he tried to reason with him somehow. His heart was breaking, shattering to sharp little pieces.
He stretched his arm to reach out for him, to pull him into a hug, praying for getting him back to safety. Anakin only looked at his hand and shook his head.
"You could have done that before she died! You could have saved her! I told you, I-- I told you she had been in danger! But you're never listening! You're never there for me!" he turned around and looked at the dark sky.
What it feels like to die? Where the soul goes? To the Force, as he was told? Or was it another lie they had made him believe in?
"You don't know, you don't understand... I can't be helped." he whispered and clenched his fist. His eyes closed. Then, his step was made.
"Noooo!" he heard shout. But he didn't open his eyes. He couldn't. All will be done. Things will be fixed within a few seconds.
His thoughts raged in his mind. He was sobbing to the end. Then, he realised there was no end. Because hands were holding his arm.
"I've got you." whisper came, dying in the noise of storm. He looked up, his view blurry. Tears were falling down like waterfalls.
He saw him, he saw his hands gripping him. He didn't know what he felt like. Angry? Disappointed? Perhaps relieved?
"Let me go, I want to make things good!" he cried out, struggling against the grip. He was wet, it was difficult to hold him, he knew. He was hanging there, afraid of dying but with fear of living.
He didn't look down, but he didn't know why. He wanted to finish this, but deep in his heart, he also hoped for a saviour. But... was there someone who could rescue him from his own demons?
"Anakin, I won't let you die! Please, stop-- stop struggling. You're slippy." the Knight informed through gritted jaw and closed his eyes, trying to pull him up.
Anakin knew he was paralysed in his own body. All he wanted, was to get out of the cage of his strong emotions. He wanted to be loved, and to be warm. He's never really been since he left Tatooine. No one has hugged him, no one has fought for him. No one. He felt as abandoned as never.
"Please..." Obi-Wan whispered again, and he felt suddenly so numb. There were tears in his grey eyes, there was regret. He blinked, feeling his dinner coming up to his throat.
He whimpered silently and stopped resisting. Hands pulled him up, and he immediately landed on his knees, uncontrollably sobbing, crying.
It was a second later when arms wrapped him in a hug. He heard the man's warm breath on his neck, but he couldn't look. He was all shaking.
"I-I want to see m-mom..." he whimpered as the pain in his heart was born anew. All buried emotions exploded so suddenly, breaking the mental walls and barriers he built around himself.
"Shh, Anakin, I know." hand caressed his wet cheek and his shivering body was wrapped in a brown cloak. "We will talk inside, alright? You're cold." gentle voice whispered into his ear. He didn't answer. He carried on crying.
Hands helped him stand up and he was led inside. Rain became a distant sound. He didn't know where he was going but he let these hands lead him on.
Finally, as reality came back to him, he found himself in Jedi's quarters, not his, but Obi-Wan's.
He looked around, mixed feelings tormenting him more and more with every second. He again had this desire to run away and jump, forgetting about the wide world.
But there was another Jedi sitting next to him, making escape impossible. The one dressed in white robes, with hair still messy from wind and water.
His own clothes were soaked wet as well, but as he noticed, the other Jedi wasn't only sitting. He was hugging him tightly, smashing his lungs with his strong arms. He was crying, they both were.
"Anakin, I'm so so sorry, young one. I'm sorry..." Obi-Wan said quietly, not looking at him but at the floor. However, none word could change what had happened, he knew.
His Mother won't come back. She is dead.
"I-- It's my fault, I know. I should have listened to you..." he continued, his voice soft and quiet. It was like a lullaby, and Anakin wondered if it wasn't because of his exhaustion. "I'm sorry." a gentle kiss was placed on his forehead.
With that, he decided to look at him. Their eyes met.
"Sh-she shouldn't have died, M-Master... I wasn't strong enough to s-save her..."
"No, Anakin. You've always been strong. It's only my fault that she died. And I am asking for your forgiveness." he caressed the back of his neck. "I know... I know it won't bring her back but... please, forgive me so I could forgive myself."
He opened his mouth to reply but there came only another whimper. He broke into loud sobs suddenly. The embrace was tightened but he could also feel a light touch of a hand that wiped away his tears.
"I-I loved h-her..." he clutched the white robes, feeling of emptiness played in his head another song she would sing him to sleep. The thought that became only a memory broke his soul even more.
She will never sing him again. He will not hear her voice and feel her gentle touch on his skin. She will never kiss him after a nightmare. She is gone.
"She will remain in your heart, Anakin. She will live there forever." Obi-Wan told him as if he read in his mind. "And I'm sure she would be proud of you. Like I am."
The statement surprised him and he didn't know if it's another lie or just truth. He knew nothing now. Shadows of his nightmares were suffocating him, and he only cried.
He refused to open his eyes and look at the man that was now cradling him as if to sleep.
"I'm sorry I've never been there when you needed me. I'm sorry. If you are able to trust me ever again, please, you must know that I-I love you, Anakin. I care about you." the voice echoed in the room. "I wish you believed me. I wish we could return to the beginning, when we were as we should be."
But we never really were, voice at the back of his head reminded him, adding more grief.
"Please, Anakin. Give me, give us, the last chance." he whispered and kissed his head, fingering his wet hair. "I would not survive if you died on this roof." his hand gently pressed the teenager's head against his chest, and he closed his eyes, sending him soothing pulses through their once a strong, now also damaged, bond.
He really did want to say something, he really did want to be more than nothing. He wanted some love, some care, some warmth.
He wanted to tell him everything that has been torturing him for many years, everything he buried under the surface.
But he couldn't do it right now. He could only cry, letting his tears choke him.
Then, when he finally opened his mouth to reply, he forgot every word he'd wanted to use.
"M-Master... I'm sorry, Master..." only this, he could say. Obi-Wan, however, knew there was more to these few words. He wiped another wave of tears away.
Anakin buried his face in the man's arms and let the warmth claim him.
"Shh, don't you cry. I've got you. I've got you now." whisper gave him some light he has not felt for such a long time.
And suddenly he knew, he wasn't drowning anymore. He wasn't alone. Heavy rain stopped and on its place came peaceful moonlight. He could fall asleep now, safe in his Master's warm embrace.
THE END