Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Ghoul or any of its characters or themes... this is FANFICTION

AN1: Slight AU since it meshes some details of the manga with the anime... it's mostly from the anime though..

AN2: This is more to do with Kaneki's PTSD and how much everything's changed since he left... maybe the start of a mini-series that's all angsty hurt/comfort fluff for Kaneki and Hide?

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Broken for a Change

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It's been over a year? More? Less…?

It was hard to keep track after what happened that night with Rize and even worse after joining Aogiri. Sometimes it felt like days went by just when they started, other times, it felt like it would never end. But it was all the same. Day in, day out.

But, right now… right now Kaneki Ken was excruciatingly aware of the seconds ticking past.

He'd made it past the blockades… Somehow made it back to the university without detection. He couldn't quite remember how he did it, just that, at one point he was running through the sewers. The rest was a blur.

Right now though, he stood in front of Hide's apartment.

The door was locked, but the spare key was just where Hide had always left it. Attached to the underside of the stairway railing, like always.

Finally, he stepped inside.

It was dark and felt as if it hadn't been used for a while. Maybe a day to two.

He headed down the usual path towards the living room, but decided against it. Lying on a couch when a bed was available was unnecessary.

So, he headed down the small hallway and entered Hide's bedroom. It surprised him a bit. Boxes of posters with his face on it lined the wall close to the door. Some were half-empty, others were full, others were weatherworn and almost falling apart.

Hide had been looking for him all along. Some of the posters were dated for December, some for April… others for June…

Just how long has it really been?

Kaneki made his way over to Hide's bed and laid down the sleeping form that'd been in his arms until now. Nagachika was still asleep, after everything.

His stomach wound had, for the most part, stopped bleeding, but the blond was still unconscious.

So, using the first aid kit he'd found under Hide's bed, he pressed gauze to the wound and bandaged it.

It just needs to stop bleeding.

And, after securing the bandage around Hide's waist, laid him down again. The blond was still unconscious and as limp as a ragdoll.

The white-haired male finally stood and headed back to the front door. He closed it and switched on the kitchen light. The fluorescent sparked to life and the kitchen lit up instantly. It was bright and the sudden change of luminescence had the young man squinting. He'd become used to the darkness.

He glanced around the apartment to get an idea of what state the apartment was. After all, there's no way he could adequately care for Hide if the place were insecure, surveilled or a place where infection could take hold.

As a ghoul, being concerned with tetanus or septicemia was no longer an issue. Neither was trying to get select nutrients from different food groups. It just wasn't an option anymore.

So, trying to remember what it felt like to be human, he could vaguely recall how cold he used to get. How cravings for different foods used to affect him. How many times he had to make use of the first aid kit to heal his wounds.

And now? It was all gone. Those facets of his life were gone and he hadn't thought about them in so long, it was like trying to navigate through thick fog.

What else had been forgotten these past months?

It's unusual for Hide to leave his books lying by the door.

It was his own university literature assignments. Hide had been completing them in his place. It had his own name, and Hide had even gone so far as to use his own linguistic pattern and syntax.

Hide had been keeping up both of their university assignments…

But, why?

It didn't serve a purpose.

Not when half of the wards in the district were shot to hell.

What good is a university degree when it came to war?

He opened the fridge, intent of finding milk, but spotted a package addressed to him instead. For Kaneki.

Curious, the young man took the package out of the fridge and set it on the counter. It was heavy and a bit soft. He tore open the corner and, catching the smell, instincts kicked in. It was only after he ended up devouring the entire contents that he suddenly became acutely aware of his current situation.

Where did he find that?

Just was had Hide been doing all this time?

Kaneki sighed and headed to the faucet. His mind only drew blanks as he washed his hands, dried them off and finally finished Hide's hot chocolate.

One sugar. Four scoops of cacao. Pinch of milk. Marshmallows.

Of course, maybe Hideyoshi wouldn't even like hot chocolate anymore. Maybe he preferred tea now. Or caffeine sports drinks. By the cans lining Hide's fridge, that might be a possibility.

It was a bit of a shock to find a coffee machine in Hide's apartment. After all, Hide wasn't a coffee kind of guy. Not really. He'd enjoy his cappuccinos every once in a while, but it was never something he'd go out of his way to get.

So… the coffee machine… the beans… the beans were the same ones from Anteiku. Hide had bought the coffee beans from Anteiku.

When did Hide visit the café?

He couldn't be sure. Maybe it was when he was with Aogiri.

The date stamp on the coffee packet didn't agree with that though. The date was the last week of November.

How long ago was that?

How long has he been with Aogiri?

He readied the coffee in the coffee maker, waiting patiently as the brewer prepared the beans. Waited patiently for the water to boil. For the grounds to steep and slowly enhance the flavours within. Finally, when it was ready, the coffee was poured into the cup and he was left with a flavor of coffee he'd missed for some time now.

Anteiku's blend. It's a bit like tasting something you'd only find in a memory.

It wasn't bad. It was coffee, after all.

But, it just wasn't the same.

Somehow, when Hide had made it… when they were together there just a few hours ago… it tasted different.

He picked up both mugs and headed over to Hide's bedroom.

At the door though, his mind was changed. Nothing was fine. Hide was crying.

Choked sobs and agonized growls came from his form. It was muffled by his pillow and all Kaneki could see were his shoulders harshly shaking. It didn't stop. Over and over until, finally, Hide lifted his head from his pillow. He gasped loudly, coughed and then started screaming.

Maybe from frustration. Maybe from pain.

"DAMNIT! WHY?!" He screamed, he punched his pillow and screamed again, "WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"

Kaneki stood and watched as Hide took his anger and frustration out on his pillow. He punched it until his wrists hurt and finally screamed once more into his pillow, as if emptying his soul.

It felt like hours passed until Hide finally sat up. He sighed shakily, his whole form trembling.

Finally, Kaneki stepped forwards and set the hot chocolate down on the stand next to Hide.

You should drink that.

Hide's form grew still as he read Kaneki's unspoken request. He swallowed hard and quickly wiped his eyes. He took a breath, to center himself, before turning around. "… Hey…"

A sunshine smile was rested on his features.

Kaneki answered with a half-nod.

"Can't believe you broke into my apartment…" Hide said, a smile forming on his face. "I hope my landlady didn't get a heart attack from the noise of you dumping my lazy ass on the bed…"

A Joke… how long's it been?

"And hot chocolate? I haven't gone shopping in a while, I thought I was out!" Hide exclaimed excitedly, grinning widely as he took the mug in both hands. He sniffed it appreciatively and smiled, "Wow… it smells great, thank you!"

He took a long slurp and sighed happily, "I can't even remember the last time I had some…"

With a slight shift of his legs, Hide patted down his bed and smiled, "I'd like it if you'd sit down?" he said and grinned, "I'm not sure I'll be able to get out of bed just yet… and you're making me nervous just standing there…"

Of course, considering the condition he's in. The bandage around Hide's waist was partially stained with blood, but it was obvious that it had stopped, for the most part, at least.

Kaneki finally took a step forward and lowered himself unto Hide's bed.

"… Did you…" Hide asked, as his fingers brushed his ribs. He set the mug down on his nightstand and smiled when his friend followed his lead.

Yes.

"Thanks," Hide replies, as if Kaneki's responses were audible, "… I was pretty sure I was dead back there."

With a tilt of his head, Kaneki's lips drew to a thin line.

Another sigh. Another shake of his head.

"… Something happened during the 11th ward raid… didn't it?" Hide said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Ken couldn't meet Nagachika's eyes. And that answered everything he needed.

"There aren't any scars, as far as I can see," Hide said and took a deep breath, "… So, it's not visible… is it?"

Of course Hide would be the one who would know that. He knew without asking. He just asked to be polite.

"Do you want to tell me…?"

And, with Hide, you don't need to either.

He probably could tell. He always could… Every humiliating detail of it.

"I'm sorry," the young man said.

What?

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you," Hide repeated and tears welled up in his eyes again. A shaky breath and a hiccup was all Hide could hold back before he started crying once more. Only, he couldn't seem to calm himself once he started.

"Kaneki… I didn't know… about Rize…" Hide said, shocking Kaneki to stillness, "It's all my fault! I'm so sorry!"

With a pained sigh, Kaneki just shook his head.

"I… made you… I forced you to ask her out…" he growled and clutched his head with a pained expression on his face, "I … It's all my fault, Kaneki…"

His shoulders shook and he buried his face his hands, "DAMNIT! I -" he screamed and hiccupped painfully between his sob, "I COULDN'T PROTECT YOU! I FAILED! I'M SO SORRY!"

Tears freely fell from his cheeks as he tried desperately to wipe them away. It was like he was fighting with himself.

He rubbed furiously at his cheeks, causing the CCG gear to leave red scratch marks on his face.

Gently, Kaneki gripped Hide's hands. The white-haired male shook his head. He smiled.

It's not your fault.

But the words just couldn't pass his lips. Somewhere deep inside, everything was stuck. All his anger. All his frustration. All his guilt. All his sadness. It was stuck and he couldn't get past it.

So, instead of trying to use his broken voice. He just smiled.

And, like sunshine through the storm, Hide pulled Kaneki closer until he'd wrapped his arms around him. His hold was as secure as he could manage and he held fast.

"Kaneki… please… please, tell me how to fix it…" Hide whispered against his chest, "I want to help you, but I don't know how…"

It was the first time in a long time that Kaneki had wished he'd something to say. Anything. But he just didn't know what to say anymore. Words didn't connect to him anymore. It didn't affect him anymore. He didn't, no, couldn't respond.

"I want to help you… I thought I was helping you by giving you space after what happened with Rize… but I… I just made it worse…" the young man exclaimed and hugged Kaneki even closer, "I want to help you… but… I don't know how to…"

What was there to fix? If something has changed, it doesn't mean it's broken…

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