Warning: Minor season finale spoilers ahead
JJ was exhausted as she pulled out the keys to the front door of the home she shared with Will and Henry. Though she and Will had now been married for over a month it didn't seem much had changed aside from her having to take the time to go through getting her name changed on various important documents. She was glad Will had been comfortable with her hyphenating her last name. Even though it made for a mouthful of syllables at least she didn't feel as if she were totally giving up her identity.
She wasn't surprised when she was met with silence as the door noiselessly opened. It was after ten p.m. so Henry was likely asleep. She had been gone for almost a week as the team had flown to Denver to investigate a series of kidnappings, though fortunately the ending had eventually been a relatively happy one when all the children had been found alive. They had been taken by a married couple who were unable to have children and had been turned down by agencies for adoption or even foster care so they had taken it upon themselves to take children they liked to their rural farm with the intent to raise them as their own. The children would have to deal with some emotional trauma of being separated from their families, but at least physically had been returned unharmed to their parents. JJ allowed a ghost of a smile to grace her features as she walked into the darkened house, recalling the happy reunions and relating to how good it felt to hold ones child in their arms after they had been in danger. She still clutched Henry just a little tighter than needed sometimes as she recalled his own recent brush with danger.
As she locked the door behind her she wondered if her husband was still awake as she began quietly moving through the house, stopping short as she saw him sitting in the armchair, staring at her, almost through her. A cold and miserable expression on his haggard face alarmed her as he truly looked as if he had lost his best friend.
"Will, what's wrong? Is Henry ok?" She rushed to him, the happy feelings dissipating quickly as fear for her son's safety rushed to the forefront of her mind. Her voice in the stillness seemed to draw him out of whatever trance he had been in as he turned slowly to look at her. Though as she met his gaze she was surprised to see not just hurt but anger in his eyes and somehow in a flash she realized that he must have learned the one secret that she had long feared would destroy the happiness they had built for themselves. Despite the sinking feeling threatening to overtake her, she decided to say nothing until she was sure as she waited, feeling eerily calm about how much her life may be getting ready to change.
Will didn't even muster a welcome back before he launched into his tale, his voice heavy with fatigue. "While you were in Denver, Henry started complaining he was feeling bad. He wasn't running a fever or throwing up, just complaining and showing less energy than usual. I didn't call because you sounded so busy on the phone the times we did talk and I wanted to be sure something was wrong before worrying you." He began slowly, the concern in JJ's eyes evident as she silently listened, holding his arm as she waited for him to continue, a mixture of alarm for her sons health intermingled with the dread that had filled her body.
"I took him to the pediatrician, who couldn't find anything obvious so decided to run a series of blood tests. She thought he might be anemic so said it would be routine to go ahead and test my blood to ensure it would match should he need a transfusion." He continued, causing JJ's heart to plummet even further as she knew her fears were about to be realized.
"He's fine, turned out to be an infection, antibiotics cleared it up quickly. " Will added, wanting JJ to quit worrying about the child's health and be able to think about the bigger issue now at hand. Realizing this JJ waited horrified for the other shoe to drop, forcing herself not to look at the floor in shame as tore the veil of secrecy she had long clung to away.
"How long have you known that Henry wasn't my son?" Will finally asked, pain evident in his voice as he saw tears cloud her eyes, her lack of surprise making it obvious she had known for quite some time.
"Since I became pregnant," she whispered, the room suddenly seeming deathly still as she admitted it openly, knowing that the time for pretense was over and all she could do was be as honest as possible and see what could be salvaged when it was over.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" Will asked, having had a long time to think about what he needed to know.
"I don't know, I thought about it a couple times but I didn't want to hurt you like that." JJ answered, feeling numb, all thoughts of the case she had just returned from completely gone from her mind. She fought the urge to start gushing out her apologies and excuses but truthfully knew there weren't any really good excuses, so she decided to wait for the time being and let him lead, almost wishing he would start shouting instead of the resolute calm he seemed to be displaying.
"Were you raped or drunk, or otherwise taken advantage of by someone?" He asked again with the same calculating tone that barely masked the deep hurt in his voice.
"No," she whispered again, the word seemed to echo throughout the room despite the faintness of the whisper. She wished she could come up with some story to explain her behavior, make him pull her into his arms and assure her everything was ok, but she knew their relationship had already lived on this lie for too long and it was time for the crack in the foundation of their relationship to be either repaired, or allow the walls to start crumbling down.
"It's someone on the team isn't it?" He stated next, his words more a statement than a question as she visibly shrank at the idea of having to name Henry's biological father. "I don't have to know who it is JJ, I just know that it means you still see your lover, even if it was in the past, you see him every day." He said, his voice sounding colder as he referenced the man in question, obviously struggling with the concept that it was a fellow agent. "Is it over?" He finally asked the question that had been weighing the most heavily on his mind since the fateful blood test that had caused him to start putting pieces together in his mind.
"Yes, it's over," she half whispered again, trying to keep her voice from faltering as she answered his question, hoping she wouldn't have to reveal just how recently that decision had been made or how much she continued to regret it.
"We were only dating back then," He finally began after a thoughtful pause, "I can deal with a fling that long before we were committed to each other, but I have to know that it's over, that your heart only belongs to me now." He said seriously, making JJ's heart squeeze painfully at the thought of classifying her relationship with Henry's biological father as nothing more than a fling, but she remained quiet, knowing that almost anything she said would amount to no more than another nail in her coffin. "I still love Henry as if he was my own, that doesn't have to change." He said stiffly, surprising JJ with his willingness to carry on the charade she had led him in to.
"I want us to make this work." She finally said, hoping she sounded more sure than she felt now that she had committed herself by marriage and not wanting to disrupt Henry's life. She felt relieved when he didn't press on the earlier comment of her heart not belonging to anyone else. Her response seemed to please Will as a little of the sadness left his eyes to be replaced by a spark of hope.
"I do too," He said, his voice softening as he touched the side of her face, "but you know how much it's asking, to know you go to work every day with someone you not only shared a bed with but also created a child with? Can I trust that it won't happen again?"
"I made my choice when I chose you, I do love you and intend to honor the commitment we made," JJ said again, trying to evade making any statements about her feelings towards anyone else.
"I'm going to go out for a while, I need to think." Will finally said as he stood slowly, now having the questions he had needed to ask answered.
JJ nodded mutely as she watched him go, not knowing if he caught the whispered "I'm sorry," that she emitted as he reached the door.
She was sorry, she realized as she was left alone in the almost overpoweringly quiet living room with her thoughts. Almost on impulse she went to check on Henry to find he was still sound asleep. She hovered over him, lingering as she studied his profile while he slept. Thinking as had been pointed out numerous times before how much he resembled her, but wondering how long that would last as he began to grow into a young man and what features of his father might become more prevalent when the baby face began to sharpen and if the hair color began to change.
With a sigh she returned to the living room to be alone with her thoughts. The profiler in her knew that eventually Will would be back, ready to forgive her and pick up the pieces. He had already made so many adjustments for her before, leaving his life in Louisiana and doing everything he could to help ensure she and Henry were taken care of. She did love him in a sense, he was a good friend and a devoted father, but he had been the safe choice. But every time she reminded herself of this it still hurt when she thought of what she had lost by going the safe route. She tried to remind herself of all the reasons she made the choice she did as she recounted a night soon after the case in New York when her pregnancy had been made public to the team.
That unplanned revelation had led to a late night, similar to this one, where she had to talk to the true father who had easily been able to put the timing together to realize that he was the more likely candidate for fatherhood. She hated that he had found out the way he had, wishing she could have broke it to him more gently. Following that revelation had been another difficult night of talking, with tears and passion that ultimately led to a sorrowful agreement between the agents to let Will continue believing he was the father of the child she was carrying because of the number of complications that would arise for not only them but the team if the truth had come out. Though the two agents had been in agreement about the decision they had made, neither had been ready to let go of the other as their duplicitous relationship continued, both feeling guilty but neither willing to let go, a theme that oddly seemed to repeat itself when it was time to hide the truth about Emily's faked death.
JJ hugged herself tighter as she recommitted herself to the life she had chosen for herself and her son, trying to forget the emotions and physical sensations she had enjoyed in the arms of another man before she had forced herself to finally choose. Her inner voice occasionally liked telling her she had made the wrong choice but she always silenced it with the conviction that it was now definitely too late to go back. Tears began to prick her eyes as she thought about the mistakes she had made and the two men she had hurt in the process. As the tears began flowing more freely she did the only thing she could think of as she hit a familiar speed dial button, listening to the phone ring before the deep tone that always calmed her answered the line.
"Will knows," she said simply, knowing that would be all it took combined with the tears evident in her voice to make it clear what she was referring to. "I'm ok, I think we'll make it." She said in response as she became quiet and listened to the reassuring words from the other end of the phone that helped calm her frayed nerves. "Thanks Hotch, yes I know Henry and I are welcome anytime," she sniffled a reply as her tears began to dry, as she realized that even if Will did choose to leave, it would only reopen an opportunity she thought she had lost. "I miss you too," she almost started sniffling again as she felt guilty for her call, knowing she had agreed to let him go but still wishing he hadn't been trying to move on himself. With so much to say and yet nothing that could be said she ended the brief call before she settled into the easy chair, prepared to wait for her husband to come home as she tried not to think about the strong arms of another.
AN: A lot of firsts for me here. First totally angsty, no fun or humor piece, and first one shot. Guess it's my way of tying up some of the finale loose ends, as I saw them. Hopefully this will also get all the angst out from the finale so I can focus on fun again. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads/reviews/enjoys. Also thanks to whiteswan for willingness as a sounding board.