My Past Is For Regrets, My Present For Reason, Our Future Is Redemption
Summary: Jeller angst for the sake of angst. Jane and Kurt barely say a word to each other for almost a year after the events of the finale.
Two
They have taken the art of ignoring each other to a new level. It is not really ignoring each other as much as coexisting behind impenetrable walls. They talk, they work together, they spend almost every waking moment together, but do all this from behind fortresses.
It is infuriating for everyone else but it is at least better than it had been before, so they let them be. They leave them to this strange and unhealthy way of adapting, secretly hoping for the day it all comes crumbling down.
Because everyone sees how they are silently suffering.
Four
It's Jane's second or third time out in the field as her incorporation back into the team takes baby steps. Kurt stands behind Patterson, waiting for the team to break radio silence. And even though he is just standing there, arms crossed over his chest, she can feel how tense he is. She says nothing, but it is driving her crazy.
"She'll be okay," she says, almost whispering, "they're going to be ok." And he just makes a low grumbly sound behind her. She wants to yell at him, tell him that if he is that worried, he could have at least wished her luck before she went out. Because Jane had been nervous, especially after the recent scares they'd gotten with Shepherd's men coming for her. And everyone had noticed how Jane's gaze was boring into him, begging him to look at her, to show her some sign that he is worried, that he is also nervous.
But he'd done nothing, said nothing and right now Patterson wants nothing more than to grab him and shake some sense into him. But doing that to the FBI's assistant director is apparently not advised. Or at least that was what she was told a few weeks ago when she yelled at him for some other dumb thing he had done.
Dumb things had become his forte recently.
The team breaks radio silence just in time for Patterson and Kurt to hear the gunshots. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
And then nothing. Kurt is speechless and it's Patterson who's talking into her head piece, urging the team to come in.
"Reade! Zapata! Jane!" she calls out to them frantically, "Guys! Come in! Please! Come in!"
Coughs. They hear coughs, and then it's Reade's voice, confirming he's okay. A moment later, it's Zapata, confirming the same.
And then there's more silence. Deafening, crippling silence. And it is the longest two minutes of Kurt's life. He can hear Patterson repeat Jane's name. He can hear Reade and Zapata call out for her.
And he cannot think. He cannot breathe.
He hears the clock ticking, taunting him. And then they hear a strangled gasp and Jane's troubled breathing. "I'm okay. I'm okay."
Kurt pulls out his ear piece, tosses it onto Patterson's desk, and almost hisses, "bring them back. Now. Bring them back home."
She nods silently as he stalks off towards his office.
Two hours later, they're back at the office, checked up and safe. Kurt barges in to the locker room, coming face to face with Reade and Zapata. They know what he is looking for without him having to say a word. Who he is looking for. Reade points to the back of the room, and both he and Zapata quietly leave.
She is slightly startled when she hears him walk up behind her, only managing to half turn before he is standing right in front of her. She opens her mouth to speak, but before she can say his name, his lips are on hers. And he is kissing her, stealing the air from her lungs, and it take her a moment before she's kissing him back. His hands are on her cheeks, in her hair, pulling her closer and closer to him, while she grabs onto his shirt, fabric grasped tight between her fingers as she tries to pull him even closer. And they're breathless, their lungs begging for air, but the pain is forgotten for a moment as he presses her against her locker and she moans into his mouth.
And then, as abruptly as he had grabbed her her, he lets her go, takes a step back, and without a word, he leaves.
Eight
The decision that she should stay with him is a last resort, but it eventually proves to be a good one. She is safe. That is all that matters. The fact that it is constantly eerily quiet around the house, that they only talk about work or that they avoid each other every waking minute is ignored for the sake of what is more important.
The never talked about that kiss in the locker room, pretending like nothing had happened, burying away with everything else. She had not even told Borden about it, and she tells Borden everything.
She still has nightmares. He knows that because he spends most of his nights awake as well, staring at the ceiling worrying about everything and everyone. Worrying about the moment when he will undoubtedly fail the people who are counting on him.
And he hears her. He hears when she wakes up with a gasp in the dark hours of the night. He hears as she shuffles out of the bedroom for a glass of water, or to go stand out on the balcony no matter how cold it is, the night air having a calming effect on her demons, or so he thinks.
And of course, they never talk about her nightmares either. He never tells her that he knows about them, and she never talks to him about them. She has told Borden, of course, but when he asks her what they are about, she just shrugs and pretends she cannot remember the specifics.
She does. She remembers every single terrifying detail.
For months he has just lay in bed as she battles those demons, waits for her to calm herself down and go to bed, or at least pretend to do so. But when one night, she starts calling out his name, a shrilling scream that sends him shooting straight out of bed, he finds himself running to her room. He barges in, doesn't think twice about her privacy, and finds her curled up in a ball, clutching her blanket, eyes closed shut and screaming his name, begging for someone to stop. Tears flow heavily against her cheeks.
"Jane! Jane!" he calls for her to wake up, reaches to touch her gently when she continues to shake and scream, "Jane! Wake up! It's just a dream. Jane!"
She wakes up with a start, almost jumping out of bed, her head hitting his chin as he hovers over her. She is shaking, still crying and trying to figure out where she is when her eyes catch his in the dim moon light. "Hey. You're ok. It was just a dream," he says calmly, removing his hand off her shoulder and moving back, still kneeling by her bed. "Kurt!" she says breathlessly, her voice shaking, "Kurt," she repeats, and she is still crying.
"Yeah, it's me, I'm right here," he says and she is reaching for him then, not giving him a chance to pull farther away. She repeats his name over and over, tears falling down her cheeks. Her hands are shaking as one grabs on to the collar of his t-shirt an the other frantically searches his chest, trying to find his beating heart.
"Hey, hey, I'm right here," he says as he guides her hand with his and places it over his heart and she is pulling at him now, the hand that grabbed his collar wrapping around his neck and she grabs onto him. His free hand reaches around for her and he pulls her gently. But she's too frantic, too scared and in her attempts to pull him closer, she falls off the bed. He grabs her quickly, holding her tight with both arms, and she lands in his lap. Still crying his name, she buries her face in his chest, mumbling something about them taking him away. Taking him away from her.
He rests his back against the bed and hold her tights, rubbing ardently at her back, a hand soothingly through her hair, and he pulls her even tighter against him. The arm she has around his neck is almost strangling but he doesn't care. He just holds her as she cries, whispering over and over, "you're ok, baby, I got you. You're ok."
Twelve
He thinks it is Borden's idea when she asks him, but the reality is, it was all hers. "I want to visit their graves," she says as they're driving to work one morning, "if it's ok with you."
He doesn't need to ask you they are because he already knows. Because even though they still don't talk much, (yes, they never talked about that night she had that nightmare and they spent the night on the floor of her bedroom, with her in his lap, crying until they both fell asleep) he knows that the "they" she is referring to are Emma and Taylor Shaw.
And so that Saturday morning, they take the four hour drive to Clearfield to visit their graves.
It's quiet, of course, their whole drive there and there are just a few people at the cemetery when they arrive. He leads the way to where the young mother and her child are buried. He spends a moment just standing there. He had promised himself that today is for her, not for him, so after that moment, he turns to her and says, "I'll be right over there… when you're…"
He starts to walk away when she reaches of him, grabbing his hand tightly. "No, stay… please," she urges and he complies, moving back to stand next to her.
She doesn't let go of his hand, and he make no move to pull away.
She has been thinking of what to say for almost a year. Thinking of this moment has been a part of every waking minute. And yet, as she stands there, staring at the two simple head stones, she is at a loss of words. He stands quietly by her side, but his thumb softly draws comforting circles over her skin, and after a long time, she starts to find the words.
"Hi… I'm Jane," she speaks softly, almost reverently, "I'm sorry, I've never done this before…"
She feels him give her hand an encouraging squeeze and she closes her eyes. "I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for everything," she speaks to both mother and daughter, "I'm sorry I betrayed your memory, I'm sorry I disrespected your pain. I am so sorry for all of it. I wish I can go back, I wish I can go back and undo it all. Undo all the lies and the manipulation. If I had known… I would have never…"
He doesn't know for which version of herself she is apologizing but he believes it doesn't matter. She opens her eyes and feels his watching her. She feels the tears that fall down her cheeks but makes to attempt to wipe them away.
"I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'm sorry I took advantage of your tragedy, of your loss… I'm sorry I never came clean," she says and then she turns to Kurt, this time she squeezes his hand as he locks her gaze with his and continues her apology.
"And I'm sorry for what I did to Kurt. I'm sorry that I used you to lie to him, to betray him and to hurt him. I'm so sorry. If I could go back, that is the one thing that I would do anything to erase, to undo. To fix. He loved you both. He still loves you both. He never gave up on you."
She sees the tears that line his eyes threaten to fall and finds the courage to take a step closer.
"I wish you could get to know him now… he is the most amazing person… he is the kindest… bravest person I know," she says, "you would be so proud of him. And I am so sorry for what I have done, for taking advantage of everything that makes him so… amazing."
"Jane," he whispers and she shakes her head, begging him to let her finish.
She turns back towards their graves and makes the promise she had come here to make. "He is everything to me. And I promise I will spend every single day I have left making up for what I did to him and what I did to you. I promise to make it right, to fix this. I promise to protect him and keep him safe in any way that I can, from everyone out there who wants to hurt him. I promise to protect him from myself…"
She stops then, her crying getting the better of her and she cannot speak anymore. She hears him whisper her name again, and when she doesn't turn to him, when she doesn't answer him, he tugs at her hand pulling her to him.
He pulls her close and she falls against his chest, sobbing apologies against him as he holds her tight, rocking them back and forth, and he starts apologizing as well.
And he apologizes to Emma and to Taylor.
And he apologizes to Jane.
Twenty Four
They walk down the cemetery, hand in hand, down the familiar path, the one they visit every couple of months. the one they have been visiting for a year now.
The only difference this time, well, the biggest difference this time, is the shiny ring she wears on her finger.
And the smiles on their faces.
The smiles that haven't left since he proposed two nights ago.