Title: Refractions
Author: BristowBoyScout545, Tess, or any other name you know me by
Genre: Angst, but like everything else….not angst…
Rating: Not sure it needs one…but PG-PG 13 I guess
Summary: Ending the battle of unspoken words
Timeline: S3 Post the Frame, but before Unveiled
Disclaimer: Alias isn't mine, but I'm sure that was apparent to you
A/N: This is a three parter, all are written and typed, so the wait will be immensely short between parts. This is my first try at POVs, so be gentle. I'm not sure how I feel about this piece, so feedback would be appreciated. For all familiar with Skippy, he's been a little loopy lately, so this piece is very different from my other work.
Refractions
I. Sydney
Everyone else has probably left by now. But I can't leave. I can't leave you. I told you I wouldn't have given up on you, and I won't. I haven't spoken to anyone and no one's spoken to me. What would they say? It's easy to know what to say to the one they're comforting. You had sworn to love her forever. She had a promise of a lifetime of happiness with you. I had nothing; only distant, jaded memories linked my heart to yours. She had your heart. She had your love. I didn't. And you can't lose something you never had. That's why they're comforting her. She's lost something; something tangible is now missing from her life. But if nothing's been taken from me, why do I feel so hollow?
Because even though you never took it, I put everything into you. Every hope, every fear, every scar, I shared them with you, and even though you didn't want them, they were yours to have, just as I was. You're gone, and all of those things are gone with you. I've been emptied of everything except emptiness. And my love for you. I still love you.
But it's my fault your gone forever. You saved me. I didn't follow orders, and you risked everything to make sure I came back out. Why? You could have had a happy life with your wife, could have had kids and grandkids, and had the perfect life without me. But you came back. Came back to the Agency, came back into that building that killed you. Because of me. Because of me, your wife is a widow, your future children will never be born, and the world will never again see those beautiful green eyes. You were taken from me, so I took you from the rest of the world.
Everyone calls it "losing Vaughn", but you're not lost. I thought I had lost you after I woke up in Hong Kong, but you were right there, you were in plain sight, I could touch you. That's not lost. And you're not lost now. Because no matter where I go, the pier, the warehouse, the train station, I'll never find you. But maybe that's it. Maybe you don't want to be found. At least, not by me. Maybe I can't find you because she's meant to. Maybe only she's meant to have you forever. But now no one does. You're nowhere, you're nobody's. But you were never mine. You were always hers, even when we were together. That's what soul mates are. You could never be mine, because you were always hers. She was meant to have you have your love; I was just someone along the way to finding her. I just mistook myself for her, for the one you were supposed to love forever. But I know my place now. Loving you from the sidelines.
That's why no one's said anything. I'm not supposed to love you and comforting me would mean they would have to acknowledge my feelings. But I'm no longer ashamed of my love. You were a good, kind, gentle, loving man, and I loved you. I love you.
I guess I'm not the only who stayed, because Eric is now standing beside me. He doesn't say anything, but he was the only one who knew, who really knew how I felt. Knew how much I loved you, always loved you. He's holding a white rose, my favorite. He's about to place it on your grave, and I reach out, holding it with him, my finger pricking on a thorn, a drop of my blood falling onto the stone that's supposed to honor you. He doesn't look at me, just shivers. Then we let go, the blossom tumbling from our fingers, coming to rest on the rough stone.