It started out as just a silly school-girl crush on the young music teacher. A fleeting "hey" in the corridor. A innocent touch on the small of her back. A smile here and there. Then it grew, for her anyway.
She starts hoping it's love. But she knows deep down, you can't love someone you've spoken to only a few times. But how do you let it go, when you truly believe you someone - you want so much, but you know it's never going to happen. She wants him to kiss her, to hold her, to love her. Like she thought she loved him.
She sees him, caressing the beautiful instrument, wishing it was her body his talented hands so perfectly played. She wanted to be his. His to claim, his to play, his to love.
She tells her friend, who tells another friend, who mentions it to another friend. And just like that, he is in on the secret.
"Well, she is graduating." He says.
"What's that supposed to mean?" her mind yells. Her thoughts torture her for nights and days, days and nights.
She is confused but excited, angry yet happy he finally knows. But she doesn't know how to talk to him anymore. Her tongue is tied around him. She's afraid of losing everything - to say something she'll regret, or maybe he'll think she's stupid?
He asks how she is.
"Is he mocking me?" she thinks.
He just smiled. Just fucking smiled. And her heart melts. The constant dreams of him came flooding into her mind, the simplest of things - his arm around her waist, whispering in her ear "Stay here." he'd say. Dancing with him in masks. Kissing him in the rain. Hot showers with him. Crying into his chest. Lying in bed, watching him play jazz all night long.
She can't let it go. She's too far gone.
She remembers all the times that she'd missed seeing him, by minutes because he'd already left school. She finds out he's chaperoning a school trip that happens after she graduates. She feels sick.
She graduates. He's there. She doesn't say anything to him, just stares, not knowing what to say - does she say goodbye? How can it be good, not seeing him again? He wasn't even her teacher.
Months later, she's still hung up on him. A whole summer passes and she doesn't let anyone else touch her. She's saving herself for him. Just in case.
"You're crazy" people say, "you're kidding right?".
"No, I'm not fucking kidding." She thinks. How could she be? She's all in. It's all or nothing. She goes crazy not seeing him, she finds out when he's at school and makes excuses to be there. Just in case. "Maybe it'll be different now? I'm 18 now. Maybe he'll see me as a woman not a child."
She doesn't know how to deal with the constant feelings. She thinks of him everyday. But it does't matter anymore. She knows it'll never happen. But he will always be her greatest downfall.