My beloved Finn,
I'm writing this because they thinking it will help. That it will ease the astonishing pain in my heart. I don't think it's possible because I can't function without you being here with me. Without you smiling at me with that handsome, crooked smile of yours. Your hand holding mine, electricity running down my whole body. I love you Finn, I always will, I hope you know that. They said I should tell you, well write, all of the important things and moments we shared. I want you to know how I felt every time, how much you mean to me. So I will tell you all of that...
Do you remember the first time we met? It was freshman year and you were walking down the hall with jocks. I saw you and my stomach twirled even though I didn't even know you. Still, I kept walking and when we were just touch away, you smiled at me with that smile I love. I thought you smiled at someone behind me because I never knew you could notice me. We stared at each other till wall didn't separated us. It's funny you know, I always thought it was fate that brought us together. So why things messed up like this so badly?
After that we haven't shared a look or moment like this again. You became popular and you dated Quinn. It didn't surprise me, you were quarterback and she was head cheerio. You threw slushies at my friends and you threw them to dumpsters. Even after those things I always knew you weren't bad, I seen it every time in your face when you threw that slushy, your eyes always showed all the emotions you tried to hide.
I'm still though wondering how did force you to join Glee club. When I saw you at Glee rehearsal my heart started racing like wild. Your voice filled my head like sweet melody. "You're the one that I want" that was the very first duet of ours. I always loved how our voices blended together and the spark it had, you said to me you felt it even though I scared you with my enthusiasm and urge to do everything perfectly. It kills me that I won't be able to hear your voice anymore. Won't be able to sing with you no more.
The picnic. Such crappy excuse for spending time with you alone. It took so much time to organize it, but it was worth it. You said when I sang it touched something inside of you, right in your hearth. Hhe you didn't know on which side of your chest your heart is. Stating that you can kiss me if you want to and you saying you want to was the moment I stopped breathing. Slowly you layed me down and the second our lips touched I felt fireworks and every part of me shaken of the electricity that ran down my spine. I knew you felt it too, but it hurt me that you ran away like that. I never knew why it was, but I understand it you had a girlfriend back then and you were popular and I was just, well me.
My thoughts, my dreams, everything collided with you since that kiss. I knew I loved you and it was killing me that we can't be together.
Through the years we found the way to talk to each other. I would say I'm sorry that I said the truth about Quinn and Puck back there, but you deserved to know it. Everyone was right, I did it for my own personal issues back then, but It killed me how you were suffering of the consequences. So I will say I'm sorry it hurt you.
My heart brakes every time I remember the times we had together. I could write them all down, but I don't know if I would be able to. It's pretty hard. Oh Finn, I love you so so much.
Moment you proposed to me was the most shocking thing that you probably did. Maybe I wasn't sure for the first time you asked, but after that duet all insecurities faded. I was sure as much as girl can be, you were the love of my life and I wanted to spend my whole life with you. Make it big on broadway and you would be the best teacher on this planet. We would have the cutest little babies. One boy and one girl like you always told me, he would be your little quarterback and my mommy's boy while little girl would be your princess. We could of have it all, where it all went wrong?
The time you sent me off to New York, I was so mad and heartbroken. Hate was the first thing after you left, but as soon as I came to New York, I knew how hard it must of been. How painful and selfless it was from you. With your love in my heart which gave me warmth every time I was about to give up I was raising through school like you taught me. The break up has been the worst thing I ever did. My anger and hurt made me do it even though I regretted it the second I left the auditorium. However I meant what I said, about me and you growing old together, with my whole heart.
and Emma's wedding, the thing that brought us again together. I doubt you saw how tears in my eyes formed when you told me that I am your girlfriend and we are endgame. I am sorry I left without saying goodbye, but I was scared. Scared you would regret what we did that night. After all I did, I thought you could never love me again, but it seems like you never stopped. Person like you is born in lifetime Finn, you were always the good, one that risked everything to protect the ones you loved. One that never could be mad on somebody because your pure heart never could have anger or grudge in itself.
You always helped everyone around you no matter how much you needed help for yourself.
Whole Brody thing. That was just for my own personal heartache, just like I told Brody. I never really loved him because my heart always belonged to someone else. It was always with you Finn. Wherever I was or whatever I did my heart was always yours and it always will be, even though universe broke us apart.
Finn, I don't know how can I be strong when you are not here to tell me that everything will be okay. How can I go on with life when part of me is missing and my heart is this big black hole without you. I believe this is not end for us. I believe we will be again together. It all seems so real now. That empty place in choir room where you used to sit everyday. Your room seems so cold now as it missed it's owner. Hearts of all you loved and hearts of every person that ever had the chance to witness your incredible soul and talent. Everywhere I look it's sadness. Every time I go somewhere they told me how sorry they are about what happened. If it wasn't for Kurt, Santana and Carole I would loose it all. You would not want me to be mess like this, but baby you was my everything. My best friend, my boyfriend, my heart, my air, my will to fight. I love you Finn, I love you more than everything, if there's a life after death, I believe there is, I will love you then too. I hope we will together again. One happy family, like you always wanted us to be. I'm sorry we weren't able to make it in time. I'm sorry for every pain I ever cause you. It's hard to say goodbye when your heart is not able to let go. I will never let go of you.
Forever in my heart, Your Rachel.
Forever my love,
She broke down crying the moment she finished writing letter she planed to put into Finn's coffin. Tear stains marked the soft paper and at every word she had trouble holding herself up. Crying her heart out in Kurt's and Santana's arms, she had no idea that there was one thing that Finn left behind. One thing she will soon find out about. That thing she had inside of her, that can be the only thing to fix her heart or break it even more.
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