Hero

Stella walked quietly into the room and her world stopped spinning as she closed the door. She stood in front of it, leant her head back against the cool wood and closed her eyes. She wanted to be anywhere but here, doing this. She took a deep shaky breath as she slowly opened her eyes and stared at the figure stretched out on the bed opposite her. She was rooted to the spot, unable to move. As if by not shifting it somehow would make it not real. But it was all too real. The bandage wrapped around her stomach attested to the fact. The throbbing from her flesh wound all too new. The pain nothing compared to the hurt in her heart. The vest she had been wearing had taken most of the weapons blast, saving her life. Dr. Warner had told her she had been lucky, without the vest she'd be dead. She didn't feel lucky. Right now she wished the weapon had done its job. Right now, life didn't feel like the best option.

Stella let out the shaky breath. She ignored the pull of her stitches as she pushed away from the door and took a step towards the bed. Followed by another and then another. One slow agonizing step at a time. Left then right, with every step she forced air in and out of her lungs. Slowly she made her way across the room. Her life steadily slipped away with each step taken.

She sat down on the edge of the bed, reached out and took his hand in hers, surprised by how cold it was. She entwined their fingers as she stared at the figure before her. Tears filled her eyes, blurring her vision, making it impossible to see. She blinked furiously, wanting to see him. Needing to see him. Her eyes rested on the white dressing taped across his chest. A wound that would never heal. Tears ran down her cheeks as she slowly raised her eyes to look at his face, half expecting to see deep green eyes staring back at her. She could almost imagine he was sleeping. But even in sleep he was unable to be so still. She slowly raised her left hand, brushed her knuckles gently across his cheek before cupping it in her hand, her thumb lightly sweeping back and forth across his cool skin.

"W…what…am I…go…going to do…with…without you?" she whispered "you w…we…were…my…" she closed her eyes against the tide of tears "…l…li…life…" she sobbed.

'CHRIST! I can't do this. I'm choking on the words that I want to say. That I need to say. What do I do now? I've nowhere left to turn, you're gone. You promised you'd never leave me. You promised. GOD! I didn't even get to kiss you goodbye.'

Her hand moved gently up the side of his face, her fingers sliding through his hair, stroking and caressing. She tried desperately to blink back her tears as her eyes followed her fingers.

'This is the last time I'll ever get to do this. The last time my fingers will ever run through your hair. I'll never ever feel your warm skin beneath my hand. You're never going to smile at me again or tangle your fingers in my hair as you kiss me. I'll never feel your warm breath tickle my neck as you pull me close and whisper in my ear how much you love me. OH GOD!'

Her hands moved to rest upon his shoulders as she lowered her head, her forehead touching his. Her eyes closing against her tears as pain swept through her. Her tears fell silently splashing onto his closed eyes and ran down his cheeks. Making it look for all the world as if he was crying. Stella's body shook as she fought to contain her sobs.

'Why did you have to give your all? I needed you. I still need you. You'd done enough for your country. For this city. You didn't have to give your life for it too. OH GOD! Nobody out there knows the price you've paid. The sacrifice you've made. They don't know how many times you've put your life on the line for this country, for their city so that they can live free.'

Her hands slipped up to caress his cheeks as she raised her head, opening her eyes to stare down at him. Her thumbs brushed back and forth tenderly through the wet tears streaking his face. Her tears ran freely down her cheeks and grief engulfed her. Emotions washed over her in waves. Drowning her beneath their weight.

'The price was too high this time. I know you wouldn't agree. But the cost was way too much - for me. I've lost everything I hold dear. I've lost you!' You're a part of me. A part of who I am. Who will I be now?

She fought to control her emotions, the need to tell him how she felt overwhelming.

"You're my hero Mac. I love you" she whispered as she lowered her

head.

Her lips covered his one last time. Their coolness shocked her, even though she was expecting it, bringing home the reality of the situation. Mac was gone, lost to her forever. And she felt herself fall apart.

Oh shit! I need you. I need to hear your whispered words in my ear. I want you to tell me it's gonna be ok. I want to be wrapped in your arms, safe and protected. Oh Mac. I can't do this. How the hell do I do this? I wish to God somebody would tell me. Because I have no idea. Tell me Mac. How the hell do I say goodbye to my life and just walk away.

She backed away from the bed, as her hands came up to rest against her temples as she shook her head. The pain of loss to great to contain swamped her.

"No, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" she sobbed.

Flack who had been patiently waiting outside the door for her, burst into the room and rushed over to her. Turning her to face him, he wrapped his arms around her. She clung to him as she sobbed uncontrollably, her body shaking violently in his arms. Don began to gently rock as his gaze fell upon the bed and he was unable to stop his own tears as he took in the still form of his best friend. He tightened his hold as they stood there sharing their grief.

****

In the lonely light of early morning Stella walked across the parking lot towards her car. She felt numb. She got into the car and just sat there staring out of the window, unseeing. She wanted Mac. Desperately needed his touch and the comfort of his voice. But she knew she'd never have these things again. He was gone for good. No miracles, no last minute reprieves. No more Mac. She swiped away her tears and took a ragged breath. With shaking hands she started the car.

There was no going back. No way to change things. This was her life now. She pulled the car out of its space and headed out into the quiet street. She was heading home to her daughter. To try and explain to their three year old little girl that she would never see her daddy again. One more heart that was about to be broken.

Nothing could compare to the devastating loss of a Husband and Father. Nobody could stop the pain caused by the death of Detective Mac Taylor.

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The End