Back by popular demand.
It was New Year's Eve and the team and I had travelled to a ranch in Michigan to attend a little New Year's bash. The party was so sick that it couldn't be cured by penicillin injections. We were all having a wonderful time. Alice and Liam had an awkward vibe about them, but I didn't really want to bring it up, I didn't want to kill the vibe. The party's theme was 70's-80's movie characters. I was The Terminator, Colin was Ash Williams, Alice was Lisa from Weird Science, Liam was Jason Voorhees, Celia was dressed as one of the bond girls and Kate was Carrie White. The party was going smoothly, but why wouldn't it be? Everything was perfect; no fight between a bunch of drunkards would throw it off course. A lot of familiar faces like Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez and Kenny G were in attendance. "Hey, guys. Sup? Y'all cool?" asked the host of the party; Channing Tatum. "Yeah, we're cool." We all said as a unit.
"So, tell us how you and Celia met, Colin." Alice said while she sipped on a glass of Long Island Ice Tea. "Well, I was at Baskin Robbins getting a hot fudge sundae, when I noticed this angel on the other side of the counter, directing her employees because she is the manager of the branch. We locked eyes from across the room, and she turned, that's when she said it. Looked me dead in the face and asked: "Cash or credit?" I said nothing, stroked her hand, and left my payment and my contact info on a napkin that said: "For a good time, call Colin ;)." There was an awkward silence. "Meh, still a better love story than Twilight." I said as I downed my gin and tonic while patting Colin's back. "Dude, you shouldn't drink so much." Said Kate in a stern voice. "Hey, I only drink on special occasions." It was all calm and cool, but all of that was about to change.
When I took another swig, I saw a large, muscular guy in a Scar Face costume pull out a Tommy gun and cheesily yelled "Say hello to my little friend!" in an uncanny Tony Montana voice through the bottom of my glass. As he did so, I tackled my friends to protect them, but I couldn't save Kate who was unfortunately shot in the head and chest by the large grunt with a SMG. Everyone was screaming and panicking. Kenny G tried to escape through the fire exit but was confronted by a group of mobsters and hit in the head with a cricket bat and was fatally killed. "Oh, my god," screamed Celia." They killed Kenny!" "You Bastards!" I yelled as I popped off a few rounds from my twin buretta pistols (I all ways carry hidden weapons, for this particular scenario. Don't judge) into the big oaf with a Thompson. A Bentley pulled into the driveway and a squad of high and mighty potential mob bosses stepped out. Their leader was Tony Lopez's brother, George. Ha, George Lopez. Tony's wife, Selma and her two sons Louie and Juan were there too. I knew they wanted revenge for the SeaWorld incident. We took shelter with Channing, Jamie Foxx and Lucy Liu in Channing's panic room. I picked up the phone and dialed the ranch's number to make first contact. I heard a gentle sounding Spanish accent pickup. "Bueno?" he asked. "Who is this?!" "Is Juan." "I don't know who you are but I will find you!" "Is not Juan." He hung up on me.
I looked at my watch; the time was 11:30pm. "We need to leave, but we need to take care of the goons upstairs, quickly."I said, while reloading my pistols. "Well, obviously we have an angry mafia family looking for vengeance. They're climbing in your windows. (There was a faint explosion in background.) Blowing your people up, trying to kill them. So, y'all need to hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband because they're killing everybody up there." Said Alice to Channing. "Well, before we head up to try and 'bring back the vibe of the party', we might need better gear than a pair of pistols, a tazer, a baton, a switchblade and a baseball bat." Noted Mr. Tatum. "I got us covered." I said while I pulled my phone out and activated an app on my phone called 'Quick-Shooter'. The app opens an inventory list of all of our available gear. I chose the 'party crasher 'option that consists of all or gear with an extra order of 3 machetes, an Uzi, a pump action shotgun and some thermal goggles for everyone (looks like Christmas came late). Five minutes later, a pod with the League's insignia had blasted into the panic room with all our gear, and extra body armor for 'Santa's lil' helpers'. (Bad joke *Ba dun tss*)
We all set out to go all Zero Dark Thirty on those mob mofo's. We walked into the Man-Cave (which literally looked like a cave made to please all men) and spotted a trio of henchmen having a fag by the balcony. I went up ahead to dispose of them. I opened fire on them. "Oh, your brains are running away from you… Ok, playtime's over. Let's get busy."
We walked down the mahogany staircase and through the shag carpet hallway and saw Juan eating a bag of M&M's and his brother sitting across from him, playing flappy bird on his S3 mini. "I hate this friggin' bird." He cried in his raspy Sicilian accent. "Hey, mi hermano, what did he ever do to you?" asked Juan gently.
**EPIC SPARTAN WARCRY**
We ran in, guns blazing and like a bolt from the blue, all of the mobsters appeared along with their leaders. "You killed my brother, prepare to die!" yelled George as he drew twin MAC 10's. It became a bloodbath. The two sons were hit and dropped like a sack of potatoes. Juan turned to Louie and said his last words to each him: "You were…adopted." *Dies* "Nooooooooooooo!" *dies* Channing killed a quarter of the gangsters and ran to cover (he ran out of ammo). Colin and company were knocked out with bats, Lucy passed out due to injuries, Mr Foxx went to take care of the bouncers at the door and Alice and Selma were having a knife fight. I had no backup, no respawns or cheats. This was make or break time. George was a Mr Olympia nominee and had me in a chokehold. "I will crush your bones and make soup out of their powder!" he bellowed like a moose in a forest fire. "NOT TODAY!" I reached into my back pocket and grabbed my butterfly knife and jabbed it into his elbow repeatedly. He reared back in pain and I stabbed his knee and he tumbled to the floor, as he was falling I grabbed his MAC 10's, emptied the mags on him and yelled: "JENGA, bitch!"
After the onslaught ended, we carried the wounded to the white limo in the driveway and left them at the nearest hospital and my team rested in the back while I drove back to HQ. I took my painkillers and a glass of Pepsi to my room. I lay on my bed thinking of all the lives lost that night and thought about how lucky we were to survive, but how much longer will our lucky streak last?