Educating James Potter
(in the art of seducing a fiery, green eyed monster… erm, girl.)
Disclaimer: If you find anything smart, entertaining or original then you know it's not mine.
Chapter One
James Potter sighed. There were times when he wondered what it was that he lacked… and he came up with nothing. After all, he was charming, popular, fit, had a dazzling smile (well that's what he thought) and had brains to go with this attractive package. So why on earth didn't Lily Evans want him?
He'd been asking her out for approximately two years, three months, two weeks, four hours, fifty-three minutes and twelve, thirteen, no fourteen seconds. Well, you get the idea.
He'd been following all of Sirius' advice to the letter. The list of pick up lines, the leather pants which he said would make girls jump on him, the special fragrance of 'eau de toilette' which came from the actual toilet… he did it all, and nothing seemed to work.
So that's why, James Potter, Gryffindor's best seeker in god knows how many years, smartest, sexiest lad ever was lying in the corridor in front of Transfiguration class sighing.
"Oy, Prongs, what the hell are you doing lying down in the corridor? Trying to trip one of the unsuspecting midgets?" A voice rudely interrupted James's line of thought. And the voice came from the body of a fellow Marauder, Sirius 'Padfoot' Black.
"Sirius, stop referring to them as midgets! They are first years and are not in any way vertically challenged." Another voice followed and James looked up to see Remus Lupin, the only sensible Marauder tagging along with Sirius and the two were followed by Peter Pettigrew.
James sighed once again and let his head trop back onto the stone floor with a loud thud. "No, Padfoot, I am not trying to trip unsuspecting midgets. In fact, I am contemplating the sad, pathetic thing I call my love life… sigh." And before James could react a large and very heavy weight was dropped or should I say, fell, onto him and started squeezing the air out of his lungs. "Sirius, GET OFF!" James yelled while trying to shove the pretentious and impaired boy off him.
"No can do, Jamesie-poo. Hey, Moony that rimes!" Sirius suddenly exclaimed from where he was sitting. "You know, James, it's not healthy for you to spend so much time dwelling over the fact that you are unwanted and have been rejected over a period of, what, three years?
"It hasn't been three years but two and, gods, why do I bother? Just get off me, Sirius, I don't think I can breathe anymore…" James said looking at Remus imploringly so that he might get ride of the lump of weight that was currently chattering away on his soon-to-be-dead body.
"Sirius, get off from James and stop provoking him. Though really James, it's your fault that Lily slapped you, I heard about what you said and …" but before he could finish James had jumped up, causing Sirius to fall on his "sexy arse" and yelp. "What did you hear?" James cried out as he held Remus by his collar and looking like a raving mad man.
"Gods… Prongs really control yourself! Let Moony go the poor lad is probably suffocating. Aren't I right, eh Wormtail?" Sirius said and turned towards the forgotten boy that had been following Remus and him.
Peter Pettigrew, alia Wormtail, was a small boy who ressembled a rat and had very poor luck with girls unlike the other three Marauders. Sirius was what people might refer to as a ladies man with a raging libido and never dormant hormones. James was a "sexy beast", at least in his own opinion and would have been a success among the 'chicks' if he weren't sadly contaminated with a "Lily disorder". Remus was also a highly attractive chap but no matter how sharp and intellectual he was he failed to see that girls might hold an interest in a werewolf such as himself. Not that the girls knew anything about that.
"Right, right. Sorry about Moonster. You know how I am about Evans… sigh." James sighed, once again, and let go of his furry friend only to lean against the wall where he had previously been pinning Remus and slide down.
"Yeah, Prongs. I think we actually got the idea of how you are about Evans. 'Lily this, Lily that, Fiery red hair and vivid green eyes, Mr. James Evans… yaddy yaddy ya.' That's all we hear about: Lily Evans! And don't get me started with your sighing!" Sirius started raving, waving his wand madly causing Peter to grow longer teeth, not that anyone noticed.
"I think what Sirius is trying to say James is that we have heard enough about Lily Evans to last us an eternity. And I agree that she is a smart and brilliant witch but there's only so much details that we can stand to hear. As for what I was saying before you decided attack me, well, I think that you're to blame." Remus told James calmly, looking at his reflection in the window so as to see if his shirt was back in place and neat.
"What on earth do you mean 'I'm to blame'? I haven't done anything!" James yelled, spitting all over the composed werewolf. Remus sighed. "What I mean is that the reason Lily runs away from to you like you're caring a muggle disease is because…" But Remus was once again interrupted by an immature Sirius Black. "It's because he is carrying a disease: Lily Disorder strikes again!" barked a proud Padfoot, glad that he had come up with the idea in the first place, enabling him to spout it out at all the 'opportune' moments.
"No Sirius. James is not contaminated by 'Lily Disorder'! What I was going to say was that James should stop following your foolish advice. If one can call it advice."
The other Marauders all looked at him puzzled. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose trying to find small words with which he could explain himself with. "What I mean is, Sirius is stupid, the pick up lines are offending, stop using on Lily. Do you understand?" The Werewolf looked as his companion but seeing as no answer was coming forward he continued. "Nod once if you understood or twice if you didn't."
He was happy to see them all nod twice though he was suspecting that at least two of them were pretending to be aware of what had been spoken.