Fifteen Facts About Our Pleasant Potions Master
by the Almighty Cheez It
A/N: A response to cupid-painted-blind's "Twenty Facts" challenge, given in the Reviews Lounge. Even though I'm changing it to fifteen. xD
"Enter."
Reluctantly, the Potions Master found himself pushing open the large door to the Headmaster's office. Severus was quite unsure about what this meeting could possibly be about, and was therefore rather apprehensive about talking to the old man. Sighing, he looked around, and was immediately relieved to find that nobody else was in the room other than the old codger.
"You called, Albus?" Severus droned, dropping himself unceremoniously into a cushy armchair across from Dumbledore's desk.
Dumbledore didn't immediately say anything, though his eyes were twinkling much too pleasantly for Severus to be comfortable. After an awkward silence, Dumbledore folded his hands in front of himself, smiled, and held out a piece of parchment.
"Severus, my boy," Dumbledore said, to which Severus rolled his eyes. "I thought this bit of parchment might interest you. It seems to have interested the rest of the school, at any rate."
Severus raised an eyebrow, clearly disinterested. "And why would anything that interests those immature little dunderheads interest me, Albus?"
Dumbledore cocked his head to the side, studying Severus intently. Severus, to his credit, did not flinch; rather, he glared disdainfully at the man he worked for. When Dumbledore didn't answer, Severus was losing his patience. "Get to the point! I have things I could be doing!"
Dumbledore offered a slight chuckle, before extending his arm to offer the parchment to his colleague. As Severus snatched it from his hand, Dumbledore remarked offhandedly, "Someone has produced copies of this, Severus, and placed them all over the walls in the corridors. I thought you ought to know."
Severus was growing increasingly worried; this couldn't be good. As his obsidian eyes scanned the title of the page, he paled.
Fifteen Facts About Our Pleasant Potions Master
Fact Number One: Severus Snape's middle name is not Tobias. In fact, such a name was used to protect his masculinity. Our Potions Master's full name is actually Severus Sunshine Snape.
Fact Number Two: Ol' Sunshine has a habit of hanging pinups of the Witch Weekly poster girls on the walls of his private rooms.
Fact Number Three: The students are wrong! Severus Snape does wash his hair; only, he uses olive oil, rather than shampoo. (Note: L'oreal would make a fantastic gift for the holidays, children!)
Fact Number Four: Severus Snape's prejudice against Gryffindors is simply out of jealousy.
Fact Number Five: Severus Snape enjoys spending his Saturday nights at his home at Spinner's End, sitting in front of the Muggle television (a large box with little buttons and too many advertisements), eating coffee-flavored ice cream as he watches soap operas.
Fact Number Six: Under his robes, sources have revealed that Severus Snape proudly wears rainbow-colored thongs with unicorns on the front.
Fact Number Seven: Severus Snape became a singing sensation when he visited Greece and enjoyed a drunken round of karaoke.
Fact Number Eight:If you're a Muggleborn, you can find his MySpace at www-myspace-com/prettyinpink62442.
Fact Number Nine: Severus Snape uses a Time-Turner in order to make time to read one romance novel every night.
Fact Number Ten: Severus Snape has a very mucky love life; while having an affair with Lord Voldemort during his time as a Death Eater, he found himself madly in love with the Boy-Who-Lived-With-His-Mother's-Eyes. (Note: This does not prove that our favorite professor is homosexual; we like to think of it as 'sexually confused'.)
Fact Number Eleven: Severus Snape doesn't care for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position; rather, he first applied for the Sexual Education professor, but was unsuccessful as the staff shot down the idea of such a course at Hogwarts.
Fact Number Twelve: Severus Snape has an uncanny obsession with teddy bears, and currently has four hundred and sixty two hiding in his closet. His favorite is named Mr. Snuggles, after a nickname Severus earned as a child.
Fact Number Thirteen: Severus Snape can often be found dancing naked through his private rooms, to a number of Muggle tunes from various American pop artists.
Fact Number Fourteen: Severus Snape wrote this list two months ago and hid it in his private rooms; ironically, it was in the same drawer as a love letter to Sirius Black. (Note: Remember, sexually confused!)
Fact Number Fifteen: Severus Snape's biggest fear is this list being found.
When Severus finished reading, he felt his heart plummet to his buttocks. He said nothing, as he looked at the piece of parchment one last time. Then he promptly began slamming his head against the desk, hoping to kill enough brain cells to commit painless suicide.