The previous story to this is "Fated Farewell"
If We Could Go Back
"One must always maintain one's connection to the past and yet ceaselessly pull away from it."
"The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."
"Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter."
These are a few of many teachings that exist within the world and have existed for eons. However, as many times as individuals are taught to look towards the future, how can the future be sewn on a different path if the past is constantly repeated? Without knowing or truly understanding our past then we end up in a vicious cycle to try to create a future that cannot exist.
For it is also said that "It's in vain, trot, to recall the past, unless it works some influence upon the present." Only a little time had past since the incident with Rukia in soul society. Ichigo and the others had soon returned to their home in the human realm and it wasn't long before Kein had caught up with the group. She would keep a close eye on hollows so that Ichigo and the others could concentrate on school. After getting to know Orihime a bit better, Kein decided to stay with her in exchange for helping with cleaning and keeping an eye on the house. They made great roommates for each other and enjoyed afternoon cooking sessions. Most of all, Kein got to know Ichigo a lot better. Her and Ichigo had a unique connection as they both could see eye to eye on many things and both had a killer resolve to protect that which was important to them.
But of all the things that was important, while there was a moment of peace and time to figure things out, Kein needed to find out about her past. After Kein's death she could not remember a thing about her life in the human world and she felt that it was gravely important for her memories to come back to her in order to try to find inner peace. On a solitary afternoon and on a solitary day in the week Kein had ventured over to Urahara's place. Urahara was outside sitting on his porch while sipping some hot green tea. The shop wasn't busy today so it gave him time to relax a bit. He looked up to see the same familiar light blue hair as he smiled lightly and tipped his hat to her.
"Oh, hello . What brings you to my shop on such a fine afternoon?"
She looked at him with a solemn expression, a bit lost in thought as she was hesitant to reply.
"Are…you busy right now?"
Taking another sip of his tea he replied, "Ironically no. It's a gorgeous day out, but its been slow for the last few hours. So have you finally decided to take me up on my offer to try out my new line of gigai's I just made?" He asked in a happy go lucky tone as she replied with a chuckle, "I don't need a gigai. I only care to be seen by Ichigo, Chad, Ishida, and Orihime. I don't care to be seen by anyone else. Besides those things are so restricting. I'm fine just in my Shinigami form."
After gulping a few more sips his usually happy go lucky expression faded to a more serious tone as he asked, "Something the matter Ms. Marasuna?" Kein sighed, not able to look him in the eyes as it was something she was never fond of doing. She always felt it awkward to look someone in the eyes as it always felt like they were piercing into her soul.
"I-If it's not too much to ask, would you be able to spare a couple of hours time? I really need your help on…something."
Urahara got up in a playful manner as he asked, "I guess I was right in assuming you've been depressed lately. You didn't seem your usual self the last time you visited."
"Yeah sorry about that. But I was wondering…do you…know anything about…recovering memories?"
He gave her an interesting face as he flapped open his wooden fan and fanned himself a few times, "Hm? Well, that is rather interesting."
"Wait, what do you mean?"
Flapping his fan closed and sticking it in his pocket he stated, "You want to recover the memories about your past, am I right? I knew this day would eventually come. What's even stranger is picking today of all days to see me on this matter." Kein flinched slightly, finally having the courage to look into Urahara's gaze, sending a child up her spine.
"What? What do you mean today of all days?"
He sighed slightly, taking a few steps towards her, "You don't even remember that do you? Today is the day…you died."
Kein gasped audibly as she took a few steps back. "B-But…how…"
"…do I know? Because you told me once before about the day you died, but that was many years ago. It was shortly after you had become a Shinigami that you came to me asking the very same thing. You had forgotten all your memories of your life in the Human world except a few fragmented images. You remember the day of your death and that you and your parents were murdered, but that was all you could tell me. At the time I had not advanced anything in specialty of memory recovery, but I knew the time would come that you would ask me again. So I kept something special just for you. Come inside. We can talk in there away from unwanted ears." He stated as he cocked an eyebrow at some bushes nearby as Ururu and Jinta poked their heads out.
"Jinta, I warned you that knew we were here."
Annoyed as usual, Jinta started knuckle heading Ururu "Its your fault! If you didn't make so much noise we could have listened in on their conversation."
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, Jinta that hurts."
Urahara merely chuckled as Kein followed him inside and had her sit down at a table nearby. It took some time before Urahara joined her at the table, placing a glass tube beside her that was filled with a reddish liquid. She looked at it, puzzled, as she picked it up and held it in her hands, holding it up to the light so it gave off a reddish glow.
"Before I start chugging this thing, what the hell is it?"
"That thing there is nou no kessei also known as a memory serum." As she held it in her hand she chuckled slightly in response, "Man you just have an answer to every problem don't you, Kisuke Urahara?" And in his usual uplifting voice and smiling expression he responded, "Well not everything, but I like to think I do. Ha, ha, ha."
His optimism was refreshing, but Kein didn't hold a smile for very long as she asked for further explanation, "Tell me exactly what happens when I drink this."
In a more serious tone he replied, "Well as you could imagine, you get your memories back, but its not just a select few memories that have been repressed for so many years; it is the memories of everything you have ever set your eyes on from the minute you were born into this world. Even recollections as a baby will flash through your mind as the serum forces your brain to awaken parts that have been clouded over as a mental defense mechanism."
Kein gasped at the thought of even memories from being a baby coming back to her.
"Is…is that it?"
Urahara sighed as he leaned up against the door frame of the entrance to the room they were in. "No. There are many things that are tied in with memories; memories of smell, memories of sight, memories of hearing, memories of taste and memories of touch. So in other words, every memory you have ever experienced also comes with the memories of the five senses that are connected with those memories."
Kein looked up at Urahara with great concern in her eyes, even a deep fear. "How long do the memories last?"
"Well, the memories last for a mere few seconds each so they come and go up till the point where you are now…in theory."
Gasping, "What do you mean in theory? Haven't you ever tested this thing before?"
Sighing a little before he replied, "A long time ago when we wanted to interrogate an enemy for answers, we would use a simple truth serum I came up with, but in a few severe cases it turned out that sometimes an enemy was subjected to tampered memories."
"Tampered memories?"
"Yes. In those cases the subject's memories were purposely pushed down by a spiritual interference. Without going into complicated explanations, in short I had to come up with a serum that was strong enough to force the memories from the subject's mind. The serum I speak of is the one you're holding in your hand. It was only used a few times due to the severe affects of it."
"How many times has this serum been used?" Sighing more heavily, "Only 5." Kein gasped more audibly as she retorted, "And you were just about to give this to me?"
Urahara gave her a stern look as he replied calmly, "What other choice do you have? The truth serum I have is outdated and isn't meant to bring back repressed memories. Neither do I possess a serum that is a lower strength then the one you have there. I could come up with serum that is lesser in affect, but it would take a considerable amount of time and I know you well enough to know that you're not that patient."
Kein sighed heavily, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm just…just…"
"…scared?"
"Yeah."
A moment of silence fell between the two before she hesitantly asked, "What are the side affects from the few times its been used?"
"Well, according to the studies done, with the amount of memories that are forced back into the brain, it knocks the subject out cold. The mind can only handle so much as you could imagine. The amount of time the subject is passed out from sheer shock is dependant upon the severity of the subject's past."
"So what's the longest a subject has ever been passed out?"
"A month."
Nearly jumping out of her chair, "A month? But I don't…"
"…have that kind of time?" Urahara finished her sentence as she looked back down at the vial in her hand. "How…ever. What a subject can mentally handle varies from person to person. What might seem horrific to one individual might not be that big of a deal to another."
"Wait, so are you saying…"
"…you are not a weak minded individual. Its amazing you can still keep yourself together with the amount of inner conflict you deal with on a day to day basis. I've watched you for a long time ever since you entered into Soul Society…and ever since you merged bodies with that Espada."
Kein was rather speechless at the moment, but she had every respect for Urahara and never once questioned his intentions.
"That Espada in you gives you quite a run for your money doesn't he? He knows how to pull on your strings and tamper with your emotions so it makes it easier for him to take over and yet somehow you've significantly improved your control over him, but in exchange you're forever at an inner war with yourself never truly knowing if what you feel is how you actuallyor if its caused by the Espada in you. This is the reason you find yourself at peace when you fight, but it is the only thing that allows you to get your frustration out. That's why you're also ready now to broaden your mind to possibilities that you never considered before. You believe that there is a better way to deal with your problem and that you shouldn't have to fight in order to feel at peace, even though you have a natural passion for battle. And that's why you need me to give you the strongest method I have, not wanting to overlook or miss any possible detail."
For a third time she looked down at the vial in her hands. Everything Urahara mentioned made complete sense and it was also very true.
"Come with me," he commanded as she followed him without hesitation. He led her down into the underground training facility. "Hm? What are we doing here?" Urahara turned to her, almost a bit surprised. "Is it not obvious?"
It took a minute for Kein to realize before answering, "Wait, but I thought you said…"
"…I said that the subjects that got tested each passed out, but I also said that you are not a weak minded individual. On the unlikely chance that you manage to stay conscious, I want to ensure that the Espada in you doesn't use this chance to try to take control of your body. If he does, then at least I can manage dealing with it down here to ensure the safety of others," smiling brightly "and of course my shop!"
Letting the awkward moment pass she sat down upon the ground and took the top off of the vial, preparing herself to down it. She starred at it intensely as the light from the facility shot through the glass and gave a reddish glow upon the skin of her hand. Urahara could feel the intensity from her as he walked up to her, knelt down, and placed a warm gentle hand upon her shoulder.
"It'll be alright. I can manage anything that happens so just let me worry about that okay?" He stated with a goofy optimistic attitude. However, despite his encouragement, the tenseness in Kein's shoulder muscles would not let up, but she had drawn this out long enough.
"Alright, I'm ready." Urahara gave himself some distance from her as she held the vial up to drink it and then titled it as the pure red serum slipped down her throat and into her system. Throwing the vial to the side she grasped her hands upon her thighs, gripping onto the fabric of her pants as she waited. "How long does it take?"
"Maybe a minute or two, but on two of the subjects…" interrupted as he saw a drastic change of expression on Kein's face "…it only took a matter of seconds."
Kein's vision went blank as she began to see split second flashes of memories of just being a baby, but considering a year's time is 365 days that are filled with endless hours and minutes, the memories of each scent, pain from sicknesses, sounds and tastes that she had ever experienced within the first two years of being a baby to a toddler, it took at least 3 minutes to get through just that section of memories as they were being forced open from her mind. However, that was only the beginning.
A painful throbbing began to emit inside Kein's head as she hunched over on all fours, sweat forming at her brow as more memories poured out from her mind. Conversations from the past between her parents started forming in her mind, barely able to comprehend them. Her mother was attacked by a Hollow when she was still pregnant with Kein, but she was saved by a Shinigami from soul society. However, when a mother is attacked by a Hollow, the powers pass through the mother and onto the child that is born.
This in turn, like Ichigo, made Kein susceptible to seeing ghosts when she was but a child. Memories of various ghosts she had met in her youth started to come back into her mind. Through the memories, very significant ones flashed that started to paint a clearer picture that was leading up to her parent's death, and her own. The pain of breaking her leg for a first time flashed through her from the age of 5 when a Hollow had chased her over a tall cliff that stood above the city's water system. Kein screamed out from the momentary pain she felt in her leg. She remembered the pain of her father's car accident on a trip to the grocery store, caused by a Hollow chasing the car, at the age of 10.
The accident was severe and had both her and her father in the hospital. The pain from her leg had dissipated, but pain in her ribs, head, and arms throbbed as she slumped over, remembering being in the hospital with the doctor saying she would live, but had serious injuries. Urahara could only watch as Kein was slumped over and curled up on the ground, the pupils in her eyes heavily dilated as if the life in her was being sucked out.
It only took another minute before another significant memory flashed through her mind of the age of 14 when she met a man in a park that wanted to be friends with her, but she refused and ran away. This man went by the name of Masaki Ichiron. No one knew at the time, but he was marked on a list of sexual harassers and had moved away and changed his identity so he could find a new target. Upon finding Kein he had stalked her for nearly 4 years, waiting and looking for an opportunity to kidnap her.
Upon Kein's parent's anniversary, they went away on a vacation and were soon killed by a Hollow since traces of Kein's inner power had been left on her parents from being around her so much. It was a month later that Masaki used this opportunity of Kein's solitude to break into her home. The pain she felt from loosing her parents from that point of time in her life caused Kein to throw up upon the ground as she coughed and gasped from the whirling feelings and emotions that had flushed through her.
She wanted so badly for this all to stop right then and there, but it wasn't over yet as she was forced to remember the last and worst moment of her time in the living world. Masaki was abused by his mother as a child and forever hated women with a sickening passion. He wanted to take out all his own pain upon Kein as he broke into her house and found her in her parent's room as he forced her down upon her parent's bed that she was sleeping in to try to gain comfort from it.
No matter how much she cried out for the help of a Shinigami or anyone in the apartment complex, no one came to her aid as Masaki began to beat her with his fists upon her face, ribs, and any body part he could get a hold of to keep her quite. After beating her senseless he then began to tear at her school uniform to humiliate her as her shirt and bra was torn up, revealing her breasts as he then began to slip his sadistic hands up her skirt to rip away her underwear as he unbuckled and unzipped his pants and slipped into her forcedly, keeping a pillow over her head to keep her screams from crying out as he raped her violently and painfully until she could not hear her scream anymore.
Upon removing the pillow after ten to twenty minutes of torturing her, he found her to be dead. That was the last time she had breathed her last breath in the living world. Urahara found it almost unbearable to watch helplessly as he saw Kein toss about side to side as her cries filled the entire underground facility. It had caused such alarm that Ururu, Jinta, and Tessai had ventured down to find out what was the matter.
"Ms…Marasuna," Ururu spoke her name in near tears.
"What's going on?" Tessai asked, a sweat drop forming at his temple as Urahara merely replied, "Nothing to be concerned with. It is best if you three go back up to the shop. It's nearly over now." Without question they did as told as the last remaining memories of Shiba Kaien's death, her meeting with Ernesto in Hueco Mundo, and her meeting Ichigo and the man with the blue hair finished flashing through her mind. Urahara had seen these affects before on the 5 subjects the serum was used on, but none that were affected this severely.
He didn't know what was in her past, but her reaction to the serum was all he needed to know that she had suffered much. There was one last symptom that he did not reveal to Kein, not wanting it upon her mind to send her in a panic upon realization, but once the serum takes its affect, it cannot be stopped and the mind cannot be shut off until the memories stop. So matter how badly she might have wanted it all to end half way through, there was nothing anyone could do. Although the memories and the screams had stopped, tears were not pouring from her eyes as she laid there nearly lifeless from the mental and physical shock of the serum, but it did not seem that her inner Hollow was trying to take over in any way, or maybe it simply couldn't.
Whatever the case, at least it was over…for now. He slowly walked over to her as she was encased in his shadow. She did not seem to react or notice he was even there, nor was she able to as her pupils blacked out and she finally fell unconscious.
"Now, Kein Marasuna, how long will it be before you awaken?"