Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Gringotts, and I am not profiting from this in any way.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry- Insurance Policy Report
Junior Inspector Snittlesworth of the Gringott's Insurance Trust muttered to himself as he approached the gates of Hogwarts.
"Why do I get all the school account? All those noisy children running around and sliding down banisters, malevolent ghosts on the prowl, snooty professors. And Dumbledore drives me batty. He never seems the least bit concerned about this hazardous excuse for a school. Gargoyles launching themselves from the turrets, basilisks in the basement…" He sighed as the gates opened and trudged up to present his card to Filch. Filch eyed him suspiciously and opened the door a fraction to allow him in. He led Snittlesworth through a maze of corridors to Dumbledore's office.
As Filch announced the visitor, flames suddenly shot up almost to the ceiling.
"What was that?" Snittlesworth cried out as he involuntarily jumped to the side.
"Ah, Fawkes," Dumbledore beamed fondly at his pet phoenix. "You always look so majestic after a rebirth. He turned towards his guest. "Good morning, Inspector. Always a pleasure to see you. I do so look forward to these annual interrogations."
"As do I, Sir," Snittlesworth replied stiffly. "Now I brought the list of citations from last year's report…"
"You are always a model of efficiency. Care for some tea? It's a special blend that Charley Weasley picked up in China. The smoky flavor is derived from dragon's breath."
"Um, yes, thank you," Snittlesworth said distractedly. "Now if we could just review the safety repairs that were to be made…"
"Did you see in the morning's Daily Prophet that Gringotts shares have dropped yet again? The Ministry is quite worried about consumer confidence in its stability."
"What! Again, you say? Oh no, I'm on the profit sharing plan…er, no…Professor Dumbledore, with all due respect, you must not pay any attention to that rag. I'm sure any volatility in Gringotts stock is only due to a momentary market fluctuation. These corrections happen all the time. Gringotts is as solid as the Pleistocene rock it was dug out of.
"Of course it is," Dumbledore said soothingly. "Have more tea."
"Now, I'm most concerned as to the state of the shifting staircases—a lawsuit just waiting to happen. How did that renovation team I recommended work out for you?"
Dumbledore sighed audibly. "They came to a most unfortunate end, I'm afraid. Hagrid and Fang were rounding up some of the less-sociable denizens of Hogwarts for the annual Headless Horseman Festival. One of these workers seemed a bit startled by Fang—he drew his wand, unprovoked, of course—but the spell ricocheted off the Mirror of Esdras and the stairs emptied them all into an underground well. We've never been entirely sure what kind of creature resides under the castle, but we did hear a distinct burp."
Snittlesworth sat there, his mouth agape.
"But, but, I distinctly warned you that creatures like Fang must be restrained at all times! They are a threat to the community at large."
"Oh, no, everyone loves Fang, especially the students, and anyway, the revised Care of Magical Creatures Act specifically prohibits any sort of restraining devices. You do know how much pull the Royal Society for the Protection of Medieval Monsters has these days."
"How about Peeves? We can't renew your fine arts policy if he insists on breaking priceless Ming vases every time there's no pudding for dessert.
"We did look into that," Dumbledore answered brightly. "But Peeves is a member of School Ghosts Union #101—they're quite well-entrenched, you know. Big contributors to Scrimgeor's re-election campaign. You know how these things are… His voice trailed off.
"I see." What about Professor Snape's dungeon of a classroom? The whole building could blow sky-high with all the dangerous explosives he keeps in his storage cupboards.
"Professor Snape, I regret to say, did not take kindly to your suggestion that he would be required to place a special overnight requisition every time he wished to demonstrate the properties of exploding mugwort or cataclysmic elderberry essence. He muttered something under his breath about a particular potion he dearly wanted you to sample. Perhaps if you explained things yourself? "
Snittlesworth blanched. "That won't be necessary. Never let it be said that I interfered in the affairs of a teacher in his own classroom. Now about the bathrooms. We've heard reports of giant snakes, murderous trolls, and unauthorized use of regulated substances such as polyjuice potion."
"There have been a few regrettable incidents," Dumbledore admitted sheepishly. "Fortunately, we now have a crack team of first years from Gryffindor on patrol."
"This wouldn't be the infamous Harry Potter and his friends, would it?" Snittlesworth asked acidly.
Just then, a little silver bell rang out and the professor's office door flew open. "Professor Dumbledore, Sir! Come quick! Hermione and Ron have cornered a wildebeest with the dark mark under the Whomping Willow. Oh, hullo. Am I interrupting something?" said Harry, noticing the visitor.
"No, no, my dear boy. A little fresh air here in the country will do the inspector some good. London can be so gloomy this time of year. He shepherded them all out, waxing eloquently on the beauties of a Hogwarts spring. Bloodsucking robins singing at dawn, sulphurous daffodils popping up, and the always delightful appearance of new broods of vampire bunnies. "But a wildebeest! I had no idea they'd been re-introduced to the forest. Surely Hagrid would have mentioned it? I do remember Professor Flitwick's most memorable lecture on the Wildebeest Marauders of 1066. Come to think of it, those must have been the same ones that almost wiped out the entire dwarf population. Do you recall, Inspector? Inspector?"
Dumbledore turned just in time to see a tiny pair of feet flying over the hill towards his official Gringotts Mini Cooper.
"Oh, that's too bad. I so hoped he'd stay for tonight's Battle of the Broomsticks No-Holds-Barred Special Quidditch Tournament. What a pity."