Samuel and Bess Pepys, Tales 1660-1700
Tales suggesting famed 17th century diarist/naval adminstrator Samuel Pepys and his lady had more going on than even his famed daily diary let us know...
Note: The best way to know Mr. Pepys is through his magnificent nine year daily Diary...Which is now available on-line on a day-to-day basis at pepysdiary courtesy of the wonderful Phil Gyford.
I would also recommend "The Unequaled Self", a new biography by Claire Tomlin...Just terrific and fills in the gaps the diary leaves...
(There's a goofy Buffy angle to some of my Pepys tales and you can learn more on that if you read my tales "Original Sin"...A sort of prequel... My "The Secret Diaries of Samuel B Pepys…" And my Cicelyverse page notes)
Special disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction and does not purport to be in any way a biography of the historical Samuel Pepys...(Though dammit, I love the philandering, charming, intrepid, self-centered, loyal, hard-headed, romantic, money-grubbing, loving and lovable, scheming, dutiful lil' 17th century Clerk of the Acts and Secretary of the Admiralty...One of history's greatest writer-chroniclers...)
Notes for the series-
Strongly urge you to view the Diary a bit first…But Sam Pepys was the clever son of a tailor, John Pepys (hence Bess' calling him "pricklouse" at times since tailors and their helpers often had to "orick" lice from clothing) who with the help of a very well connected cousin, Edward Montage, son of a wealthy knight, an English Civil War hero, troop and naval commander and favored aide under Oliver Cromwell, who switched to the King's side after chaos erupted in England following Cromwell's death, and became Earl of Sandwich…Yes, Sandwich, went to Cambridge and earned a college degree. Recognizing Sam's talents at reporting and his overall cleverness, Sandwich became Sam's patron and helped him to an important post with the Royal Navy, Clerk of the Acts, from which lofty height Sam was not only able to start a huge reform of the British Navy but earn hefty side profits and make connections with leading intellectual and political figures of his day. But it's his private Diary, a brilliant and humane account of all his doings and actions for nine years, that is his claim to fame. His brilliant dramatic sense…He was indeed a confirmed playgoer…His instinctive reporter's eye…And his fundamental honesty (and fascination) about himself combined to produce one of the great works of western literature-Dramatic, even tragic at turns, humane, witty, delightful, and thought-provoking…A celebration of the humanist spirit. And the soul of the Diary, alternately worshipped and denounced, is his spirited, beautiful, charming, terrifying wife, Elisabeth…A half-French girl of ruined noble background who brought him no wealth or connections of note but in whom Sam found his romantic side…For good and …not so good. Pepys' Diary features an amazing world of characters and scenes from great drama and major battles to hilarious comic scenes and personal tragedy and betrayal…From terrifying Plague and City-destroying fires to winsome musing on love and loss to physical comedy and nervous, guilty philandering…
Tales of Sam and Bess…1660-1679.
"Samuel Pepys' Guide to Picking Up Women…"
Good fellow, welcome…
We shall assume you are a gentleman, and not presently accompanied…
Given the subject matter…By wife, sweetheart, or female relative…
Let us therefore closet ourselves. ("Bess, I'll be at my accounts for
a while, you'd best get off to bed.")
Step One…
Money rules…
Yea, good sir.. It should first be noted that a surfeit of money makes
all men more attractive and ye pauper oft goes home alone. First, then…
Make it your cardinal principle to acquire such moneys as wilt allow
ye to offer your lady friend toys and trinkets. A good woman in, or
fancying herself in, love may tolerate poverty in a man but if ye wish
to gather in the coals, so to speak…Put coin in ye purse.
Step Two…
Clothes doth maketh the man…
Friend, disabuse thyself of the notion that it is the inner man which
shineth to give grace to thy outward appearance in lieu of fine
garments. 'Tis sentiment fit solely for the Lord's Day, in the church,
in the backmost pew. In short, sir…No threads, no beds. Yet be
reconciled by the thought that a fine suit doth hide the bulging
stomach and good cloth with lace trimming draws attention from the
hairy brow and the bugged eye.
Step Three…
Power…Ye bludgeon of choice…
Contrary to the old saw of power as the foremost aphrodisiac, power
may not win ye thy lady's heart. However, if the said lady or hers be
powerless and friendless…It may well win her body…And win ye the
support of hers in ye quest. Yet beware ye do not apply thy power
before confirming the powerlessness of ye lady and hers…Particularly
her father, husband, or sweetheart. A slip here may land thee in the
Thames or the Tower.
Step Four…
The merry and clever Tongue hath power to charm…
With all the previous steps in hand, a merry and clever tongue may
lighten the road to Romance and cheer thy lady's heart.
At least it may it easier for her to grin and bear thee…