'I'm sorry.' Merlin whispered to the still water. It was almost midnight, almost a year since he'd lost his King. Almost a year since his heart had stopped beating. The pain had not lessened, and the tears had failed to stop. He'd debated going back to Camelot, but he could not bring himself to. How could he face Guinevere knowing that he'd been unable to save him?
'I'm sorry Arthur, but I must leave you.' It hadn't been an easy decision, but he knew that he'd been stuck in a cycle of sadness and nightmare-filled nights that were slowly driving him crazy. He knew he must leave Camelot, for his own good. A bag sat beside him on the riverbed, full of clothes and books and memories. Memories of Arthur and the day that he died.
Just hold me...
The words repeated themselves in his mind on an endless loop. He'd held him in his arms and tried to tell him that everything would be alright, but his words failed him. He lay there, speechless, as Arthur spoke his last words.
Thank you...
Arthur's last words. He left the world in peace, but the aftermath had been nothing of the sort. Merlin had screamed and cried and called for Kilgarrah, though he knew he was already too late. Arthur's heart had already stopped beating, his lungs had emptied of air and his eyes were lifeless and grey. Merlin knew it was too late, but he called for Kilgarrah anyway, with a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe the ache in his heart was not real. But it was.
'I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. It... I have to live with that every single day and it's torture.' Merlin hurriedly wiped the warm tears from his eyes, but they could not be stopped. He gripped his chest and sobbed louder than he ever had before. He felt nothing but emptiness. He barely felt the roughness of the grass against his cheek as he fell sideways to the ground. Pulling his knees to his chest, Merlin felt like he was a child again.
'Oh God, Arthur, why did you-' He found himself unable to speak, as the tears flowed freely as fast. He buried his face into the grass and curled up as small as he possibly could. He stayed that way for what seemed like a lifetime, until he was almost too exhausted to move. But then a wave swam over him, and the sun shone brightly, warming his face and drying his tears. Merlin opened his eyes and suddenly he felt calm. Using what little effort he could find, Merlin pushed himself to his feet and rubbed his tired eyes.
'That's all I needed to say,' he stared down at the water and he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He pulled his tattered jacket tighter around him and began walking towards the trees.
'I'm sorry.' His eyes were filled with guilt and his face was young and sorrowful. He watched the young man from the safety of the forest, gripping his aching side with a trembling hand. His other hand was lifted to cover his mouth. The urge to call out, to tell his old friend that everything was alright was almost too strong to resist. But he knew the deal. One word to Merlin, one small hint that he still lived would lead to the destruction of everything that he'd ever loved. He watched with tear-filled eyes as his friend passed by his hiding place, silently. He reached out a desperate hand. Merlin was leaving. It was now or never, and as Arthur moved forward his heart beat irregularly in his chest. He hadn't been this afraid in a long time.