Alone and Miserable…just how I imagined it.
Summary: Roger knows he's dying…alone and miserable, since he chased off everyone he loves in order to spare them the pain of watching him die. These are his final words.
Pairing: Past Roger/Mimi, Mark/Roger friendship, Angel/Collins mentioned, Joanne/Maureen mentioned.
A/N- This is a weird concept, I'll admit. It's based off of The Dead Letter and a similar fic challenge I found on my quest for Buffy fic.
Well, most people want to die extremely old and in bed.
Can I just settle for in bed…and kind of young? And remembering that I knew this day would come? I mean…yes, I chose to be alone, but I swear I had good reason. Who wants to know their loved ones are watching them suffer? Who cares if the nurses are the only companions I have? I mean- I'm used to being left alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Come on- don't tell me you didn't realize that I- Roger Davis- was a loner.
I know I hurt everyone with the nasty things I said. I am truly sorry, but I had to do it. The doctors told me my t-cells were low, and then, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. Plus I know everyone would congregate at my bedside, and that is simply not how I want it, thank you very much. I want to be alone. I entered the world alone, and I shall leave it alone. Plus I didn't want it to be like it was with Angel. We spent so much time mourning him that we didn't really celebrate his life…and that somehow led me moving to Sante Fe. Mark has vowed if he had to watch me die, that he was visiting Alaska to film polar bears- can you really see Mark in Alaska? I mean…that just shows me that I had the right idea. Mark would freeze to death in Alaska and end up as Polar Bear chow and then we'd both be dead. Besides- Mark hates cold weather, so, it's easier for me to die alone…then to die anyway, and worry in Heaven that my best friend's becoming Polar Bear Chow because I'm dead.
Yes. I'm rambling. I am quite possibly afraid to die…and I think rambling will keep me alive. I'm like the Queen in Arabian Nights. Yes, I read that book. I got bored one day and Collins had left it lying around. Contrary to what everyone thinks, I can read. I just choose not to most of the time. But yes, I am rambling to keep this going…because once this is done; I have no choice but to die and I am avoiding that as long as I can.
The nurses are under strict instructions to send this to Jo's law office, and it'll be opened the day of my will reading. By this time, Mark will have my beloved Fender. Maureen will get the old cowbell from Pop's farm…and Collins will get Arabian Nights back. No surprises there.
Mimi. My soul lives only for you, and your happiness. Understand the reasons that I pushed you away. Why should you mourn me? If anything- I should mourn losing you to an inevitable fate. You saved me when no one else could. You lifted me up from the darkness, and gave me reason to live. Hell, you were the song all along. It's cheesy but it's true. I never thought I would die for someone, until the night you lay dying on the table and all I could think was God, take me instead and infuse my life force into the love of my life. That's when I knew you could love someone so deeply that you could want to die for him or her. It's insane but it's true. I love you Miriam. Yes, I used your real name and I know you now have your head back, cursing me out wherever this next journey takes me. Promise me you'll move on. Keep living for me, and our baby…the Miracle that so far has beat the odds for HIV. And most of all, keep smiling. Oh-and if it's a boy? Don't name him Roger. I don't want him living in my shadow. Name him…James. James is a good strong name. Hell…if it's a girl, name her James. Either way, James. Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix…James Taylor…you get the idea. Did I mention to keep smiling?
Mark. Before I start rambling about you, promise me you'll stay out of Alaska. You don't need to become polar bear chow. Stick with Buzzline…it's just as adventurous as Alaska without the mean polar bears. Besides, aren't bowling drag queens fun? Seriously. You're like my brother. I've known you now almost twenty years. We've lived together almost the entire time. Hell. You were my first kiss. Who cares if we were young and drunk? It was an experiment. One that I still remember and cherish to this day. How could I forget that? Have you? We may both be straight but that kiss meant a lot to me. Mark, you've evolved into the tough man I knew you could be, even if you've still kept that gentle inquisitive side. I want you to look out for Mimi and James. Be the father for him or her. I know you can never replace me, but it's worth a shot. Plus he/she is going to need someone to lean on when times get tough for Mommy. Always look at things through the eyes of a child, and you'll never fail Monsieur Filmmaker. Know I never meant to hurt you, but I had to be alone. I didn't mean the nasty things I said. I know you weren't James' father. Understand my reasoning.
Collins. I blame you for the writing quest. You had to leave Arabian Nights were I could find it, didn't you? It seems to be working. Buffy the nurse told me I should have been dead three days ago, with blood pressure as low as mine and congested lungs. Yet, this letter has kept me going, for which I am grateful. Tom-am I crazy or were you in my room the other night? I woke up, and in the foggy haze, I could have sworn you were standing over my bed. Maybe I am just a sick man dying. Who knows? Oh, when I get where I'm going, I'll tell Angel that you love and miss her, and you're just as devoted as ever. I bet she'll tell me that I should have encouraged you to date again. And we'll argue…and imagine the rest? Promise me you'll give some of that philosophy to my son or daughter. Pass your wisdom on and know you're helping to fulfill my destiny, educating the child that never should have been and yet, somehow is. Also, thank you for leaving Arabian Nights where I could find it.
Maureen. Somehow, I know you're even more torn up about this than Mimi. Tell me-does she look like a whale? I imagine she does…or is all belly and looks like she'll fall at any second. Pregnancy is something you should know about, what with Joanne due to give birth any day…two floors above my head. I can see you as a nervous father. I am beyond sure that Marsden Presley will be a happy healthy little boy and grow up perfectly well. Maybe our kids will end up together. Wouldn't that be amazing? We'd be related, just like we wanted to when we were small and I never wanted to go home to the yelling and the drinking. While I hate how you hurt Mark, I am glad you ended up with the one that completes you. When the baby comes, promise me you'll coach Meems, because in addition to hating cold weather, Mark is completely squeamish. Mo, I'll kiss April for you too. Yes, I know about the affair you had, and I'm not angry. I know how happy she made you…and how Jo's the only one to come close. I love you, Maureen. You'll forever be seven and dangling from the jungle gym, wishing I were your brother. Well…you're my sister in my spirit, which is stronger than any blood bond.
Jo…I should say more, but I got to say my goodbye to you in person. You know the impact you had on me. Just keep Maureen's feet on the ground when no one else can.
Finally, to James. Are you a boy or a girl? Do you have Mommy's red curls? I think you do. Mommy's curls with my eyes. I can't see you as a blonde. I think my story's finally coming to a close. I am so tired. My eyes are heavy. Know that what I want to say extends more than a paragraph ever could. However, I could never mention people important to me and not mention you, Sweet Baby. Until I made Mommy hate me, I used to sit up at night, and feel you kick. Your kicks were dainty, yet, strong. This leads me to believe you are a girl. In case I am wrong and you are a boy, there is nothing wrong with being delicate. You don't have to be macho. I really want to hold you. I know this is impossible…and yet, it's all I want. If you were to be born right now, you'd be too little to live. Stay in Mommy as long as you can, and fight. Life will be challenging, but it will also be rewarding. Just remember to fight every challenge life gives you and ultimately you will win. Your name is strong. It will survive when nothing else can. Most of all, know Daddy loves you, and if he could, he wouldn't leave.
My story has reached its end. I have seen this letter through from start to finish. When I fell asleep last night, I thought, for just a mere second, Angel and April were standing next to me, talking. They're waiting. They're waiting for this letter to be complete…and it almost is. My eyes are heavy, and this pillow is seeming more and more welcoming. Soon, I will sleep and not awaken.
Would I change my life if I could? Probably not. Yes. I have AIDS, but that disease furthered me as a human. If it weren't for the disease, I wouldn't have Mimi. April would be still be here, and I'd be living in Long Island with two Golden Retrievers and a mini van. Now that is Hell.
So, with heavy eyes and a worried heart, I sign my name to this…this…eulogy of sorts. Know that these words were written from the heart. Roger Davis died alone and miserable…just how he wanted and imagined it would be. Merely because he wanted to spare his loved ones from the pain of watching him die.
Mimi. Mark. Collins. Maureen. Joanne. Baby James. Know that the six of you have impacted my world and made my miserable life a little better.
-Roger