CRY ME A RIVER
vanessaserena
—
Serena's first thought when she sees her is this: She's gorgeous, how am I meant to compete?
Because back then it was a competition for Dan's heart, an uneasy feeling of unworthiness creeping in to her skin. That's his best friend, they've shared a childhood together, a lifetime together. Shared Brooklyn together, and Serena was expecting somebody gorgeous, breath taking but Vanessa is out of this world; far more beautiful than any girl she's ever seen before.
Maybe the two of them could go out for coffee, become friends. Serena didn't want to have to compete with her, didn't want to think about Dan falling in love with her or having another girl as an enemy. Vanessa wasn't just beautiful, though. She was intelligent and smart and fucking witty, quick on her toes, headstrong. She reminded Serena of Blair a little, but more confident, knew what she wanted more than Blair knew what she wanted.
Back then the girl took her breath away, back then when they first met she was Vanessa, Dan's best friend. Vanessa, maybe she'd be Serena's friend, too.
—
Dan wasn't the first boy they fought over, because there was Nate, too.
(Even if it was never a fight between them — even if it was).
—
"What have I done to you to make you hate me?" Serena asks calmly, remembering a time where she used to be able to call the girl in front of her a friend. Not somebody that nearly had her killed.
"You made me fall in love with you," Vanessa retorts back, angrily.
(Of course she doesn't mention the other countless things: When I loved Dan all he loved was you, your wealth and your privilege, the way you're so fucking perfect that everybody under the sun lets you get away with anything — there's a longer list but it doesn't seem like it would fit).
Serena's breath catches in her throat, the words she's wanted to say since the day she first saw Vanessa ready to come out: I love you too, but Vanessa never admitted to loving her, exactly. So Serena doesn't say anything, just looks at Vanessa with a dumbfounded expression until Vanessa spins on her heel and leaves.
—
Georgina dies in a car crash and Milo ends up back in Dan's care, the little baby he once thought was his own now a three year old that runs around his loft causing trouble.
Vanessa helps him, nothing more than a friend, she grins when people ask. Nothing more than a friend, it's better that way for both of them, they never worked well romantically and she senses he has a girlfriend, anyway. Not that he's mentioned it to her, or anyway.
Part of her suspects it's Serena, fucking perfect sunshine barbie Serena. So Vanessa doesn't ask, she'd rather live in the dark than have her worst fears confirmed.
Except it turns out his real girlfriend is a million times worse than Serena — she's dropped Milo off at daycare, would of gone back to her apartment but she had left her bag at the loft. Stumbling inside once the door opens her eyes travel over to the corner where Dan is pressed up against a wall, a petite brunette leaving a trail of kisses on his neck.
Eyes widening she shakes her head, "Oh no," she says, slamming the door behind her to gain the attention of the couple, it works. Dan sighs, wiping his mouth on his sleeve as he sheepishly waves at her. Blair looks mortified, like she's just seen a ghost. Vanessa frowns, hands on her hips.
Rolling her eyes she doesn't wait for anything either of them have to say, quickly she grabs her bag off of the table and leaves; she doesn't have the energy to deal with the fact that her best friend is probably sleeping with Blair Waldorf, the most evil person she has ever met.
Surprisingly, there's only one person she wants to call to talk about this with: Serena.
—
"You're talking to me?" Serena asks when she meets Vanessa for coffee. Vanessa shrugs, shouldn't Vanessa be the one that was shocked? She had after all tried to ruin Serena's life, had her drugged, for gods sakes. But Serena really is nice, too nice for her own good.
"Blair and Dan are sleeping together," Vanessa breaths easily, acting like it isn't a big deal. She waits for something to register across Serena's face: Shock, anger — but she gets nothing.
"You knew?" Vanessa asks in surprise. Serena grins down at her coffee, looking at the various rings placed on her fingers.
"She's my best friend," She offers in a way of an explanation.
"And he's your ex boyfriend," Vanessa returns.
"And step brother," Serena adds.
Vanessa lets out a loud chuckle, before a gross escapes through her lips. Serena laughs too, extra hard at her comment.
"I know! Blair Waldorf and Dan Humphrey?" Serena shivers, a brr coming out of her mouth. "I don't want to think about that," Serena says smiling, running her fingers through her hair.
Vanessa lets out a genuine laugh, she had forgotten why everyone loved Serena but now she remembered: she was fun to be around, easy to be around, she lit up the whole god damn universe and made you feel special just because she was talking to you, light and warm and bubbly.
Serena smiles at her warmly, fingers running around the rim of her coffee cup. Vanessa clears her throat, it suddenly feels awkward. What do the two of them possibly have to talk about? Calling Serena was a mistake, wasn't it —
"So what have you been up to?" Serena asks, leaning forward in her seat. Ready to intently listen to whatever Vanessa has to say. It amazes Vanessa how genuine Serena looks, how genuine she is. She's not asking what she's been up to, to be polite, she's asking because she wants to know.
Vanessa grins, feeling at ease, once more.
"Well — " Vanessa starts, ready to launch into tales of her directing pursuits.
—
Coffee between them becomes a regular thing, and soon enough Vanessa is asking Serena to star in the film she's trying to make.
—
Serena does a silly pose, a hand on her hip, a hand on her forehead. Overly dramatic. Vanessa lets out a chuckle, shaking her head as she redirects Serena; it's unprofessional, but Vanessa knows Serena will quickly do what she's told and get over trying to make the director laugh.
"Sorry!" She shouts, cupping her hands around her mouth and throwing Vanessa a wink. Vanessa shakes her head, brown tresses falling out of her ponytail as she calls action!
Serena dazzles in the scene, dazzles in everything. Vanessa knows Serena said this was a one time thing, that she's never dreamed of being a model or an actress like many had hoped she would, but Vanessa knows that Serena could be good in this aspect. Smiling, Vanessa yells cut and redoes the scene.
—
"I'm sorry, you know." Vanessa mentions, her body wracking with nerves as she delivers the words. She hadn't wanted to bring it up, because they're friends now and what if bringing it up meant that they weren't? Vanessa lets her fingers wander around the rim of her coffee cup, her eyes studying it intently. She can't bring herself to look at Serena.
But the blonde places the palm of her hand atop of Vanessa's hand, stilling her actions. Forcing her to look at her. Serena just smiles, it's not wide and big and welcoming, it's a little sad — but,
"Vanessa, it's okay. I had forgiven you a long time ago," Vanessa smiles, too. Soft and short and sweet, because it's not okay and both of them know it. Vanessa lets out a deep, breathy, shaky sigh.
"I just — it's not okay, Serena." Vanessa rushes out, eyes falling once again to her coffee cup, her hand slipping away from the blonde's.
"I can't act like it is when — " Vanessa starts to ramble, but the words start to fade out and she starts shaking her head angrily. It's not okay, it's not okay, it's not okay. Repeats in her head like a mantra. Her nerves being set on fire, fingers curling angrily around the lid of the coffee cup.
"It is, Vanessa!" Serena snaps, loud and angry, and it's been years since she lost her temper in public. Made a fool out of herself, a spectacle. Customers turn to look, but quickly turn away when there's no other fight brewing other than stony silence.
"How is it okay?" Vanessa harshly whispers back, her body shaking slightly. Running her fingers nervously through her hair, she knew she shouldn't of brought it up.
"It just is." Serena replies, before storming out of the coffee shop angrily. Vanessa sits there in silence, with her eyes staring into the wall and the image of angry blue eyes burning into her vision.
—
Vanessa doesn't call, and Serena doesn't make the effort to call her, either.
—
Blair takes one look at Serena, her hair a mess, her eyes blood shot, her clothes in a terrible state and sighs. A long deep sigh.
"You know, I thought you were over this." Blair mumbles as she helps her best friend stand on her own two feet, aren't they too old for this? Left this kind of behaviour back in high school? It hurts to see Serena like this.
Blair tucks her into bed, brushing her blonde hair back into a bun.
"What happened, S?" She asks gently, placing the tiniest of kisses against her cheek. Serena scrunches up her face, trying to hold in the waterworks.
"I think I love her, B." She falls asleep shortly after that, leaving Blair to wonder who she was talking about.
—
Maybe it's best that they're not talking anymore, that whatever friendship they had rebuilt had sizzled out again or —
Serena turns up at Vanessa's apartment at three in the morning, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and her tongue tasting like vodka. She knocks and knocks and knocks, but nobody answers. So she pushes open the door and stumbles inside, instead.
"Vanessa?" Serena calls out, her voice loud and drunk.
"Vanessa!" Serena shouts once again, angry and determined. Sighing, when no Vanessa appears, she slides down a wall and sits on the floor, swinging the bottle of whiskey between her thighs.
"Vanessa, I love you. I don't care if you don't love me, but I love you." More silence. So Serena leaves.
—
When they first kiss, it's a Tuesday and both of them are drunk. It's kind of messy, and Vanessa's hair gets stuck in Serena's lipgloss, a lot.
Both of them are laughing, and there's a movie flickering on the screen behind them.
When Vanessa wakes up, she flees and when Serena wakes up, she's gone.
—
Serena is married within the year. To a girl she met while working on the set of a movie. While she never wanted to be an actress or to model, she did like the time she spent working on Vanessa's movie.
It's where she meets Abigail, a year older than her, short and petite with big wide dark brown eyes. With a million stories to tell. Serena works backstage, and Abigail giggles in front of a camera.
"I love you," Abigail tells her one night, her words slightly slurred, but her hand warm, tucked in with Serena's hand.
(She makes her forget about Vanessa, and that's enough for Serena to know she loves Abigail, too).
—
Abigail is set to be the new leading role in some small budget film; Vanessa's film.
Serena decides to come to the set, because, she's an old friend of mine and it's been two years since she's seen her. Two years since Vanessa fled and left Serena confused and heartbroken.
Vanessa looks just as beautiful as ever, her hair longer than Serena remembered, fiddling with a camera. It takes the blondes breath away, just one look and she's ready to forget the past two years because she thinks if there were to ever be one that got away, it was Vanessa.
Even though a gold wedding band rests nicely on her finger, she's ready to have another go with Vanessa. Too many what ifs playing in her mind that never got to live out. Maybe they'd crash and burn within a week, or maybe they'd last ten years and have a beautiful baby and name it after some great film star of the 60's or 70's.
"Serena?" Vanessa asks, her mouth forming a perfect little 'O' shape, eyes wide and expressing a little fear. Serena grins at her, taking two big strides over towards her, and wrapping her arms around her frame. She squeezes her tightly, inhales the smell of her hair, tells herself not to forget any detail of Vanessa.
"Long time, no see!" Serena grins, an enchanting little laugh falling out of her mouth. She should be mad, furious, that Vanessa left but once upon a time Serena had done the same thing. To her best friends boyfriend, and she had ran and ran and ran. She's not mad, no — maybe she's just a little sad that she didn't get to see how things played out.
"Coffee later, yeah?" It's not a question, it's an order and Vanessa grins and tells her she'll be there, because there is no other place i'd rather be.