Standard disclaimer applies
Author's Foreword: This is a repost from a story I submitted for Zaratan's Guess The Author 4 contest. If you've read it before, nothing has changed in this edition other than the addition of Author's Notes at the end. If you've reviewed it before, thank you very much in advance, I usually respond to reviews, but due to the nature of the competition, it was impossible. Otherwise, feel free to ignore, I'm just adding this as part of my archives.
It was a Sunday morning and twenty-five year old Kim Possible felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. Long gone were her teen, crime fighting days, her only life passion now being the tall, caring, and all too sexy blonde sidekick cum fiancé she was preparing to marry. She smiled happily to herself, as she dreamt of a future with the man she would be saying "I do" to in about fifteen minutes.
A gentle rap on the door shook her mind out of her daydream. She bolted from her seat and dusted down her modern white bridal gown. It was satin and lace, personally designed by her maid-of-honor, Monique, who was outside at the moment, mingling with the guests and making sure everything was perfect for Kim as she prepared to walk down the aisle.
"Kimmie-cub? Are you ready?" Her father called nervously, cracking the door open to save Kim any possible embarrassment. For the first time he saw his daughter in her full bridal gown, waiting for the greatest moment in her life. He beamed at his little angel, her form beautifully framed by the streaming light shining through the tall stained glass windows of the church. It was the perfect image of beauty and purity, as the sheen of her glorious red mane served to contrast the white brilliance of her dress and pale skin. Her seemingly demure pose as she sat holding the bouquet of flowers on her lap made her look like royalty. And as she looked up towards the ceiling wistfully, Mr. Possible wished he could capture this perfect moment forever, and it was the moment that his daughter was now truly a beautiful woman.
"Daddy? What are you looking at?" Kim asked.
"Just the most beautiful woman in the world," Mr. Possible replied. "Kimmie-cub, you look gorgeous."
"Don't let mom hear you say that," Kim smiled teasingly.
"She'd agree with me if she saw this angel I'm looking at right now," Mr. Possible returned her smile and paused to take another look at the image of beauty before him. "Now, as much as I'd like to enjoy this moment forever, we've got a wedding to attend." He offered his hand to her, and Kim graciously put her hand in his and got to her feet. It seemed so weird to him, it was only yesterday when her small paw fitted so snugly in his huge hand, but now here he was, offering her hand to another man, entrusting him with the care and love of his daughter, for the rest of her life.
"Stop spacing out, daddy," Kim nudged her father gently. "It's time."
"I know," Mr. Possible said. "It's just… I never thought this day would come."
"I still love you, daddy, I will always you love," Kim replied soothingly as she tried not to cry herself. She didn't want to her make-up to run on her own wedding day.
"I know, I love you too, Kimmie-cub," Mr. Possible smiled as they walked to the doors of the main hall of the church.
On cue, the pipe organs bellowed the wedding march, and the doors swung open with a slow grandeur motion. The entire audience in the hall swiveled to gush in awe at the sight of the red-head being led by her father down the aisle to stand before the altar where her beloved stood. She smiled inwardly as she focused on each step, one step closer towards the future that awaited her.
As she reached the altar, she turned and gave her father one final kiss, before stepping up besides Ron Stoppable, who turned to look proudly at her. And the ceremony began with the priest solemnly intoning those sacred words.
"We are gathered here today…"
"Mr. Barkin?" Ron interrupted suddenly. "Wait! I thought you looked familiar."
The priest looked up and glared at the blond man. "Yes, it's me, Stoppable. And right now, it's Father Barkin to you."
"Wait, wait, wait! Hang on a minute, Father Barkin? You're our priest? What happened to Father Fitzpatrick?" Ron asked.
"He's indisposed at the moment, and asked me to stand in for him. If it's any easier on you, think of me as a substitute Pastor!" Father Barkin growled, his temper getting short.
"Hang on! I thought Father Fitzpatrick was doing the ceremony," Ron said. "I didn't know you were a priest even, are you sure you're qualified."
"Ron Stoppable!" Father Barkin barked. "I was the chaplain marrying American GIs to Vietnamese women in Nam, and I sure as hell am qualified to marry you two. Unless you two don't want to get married."
"Err… We do… We do want to get married," Ron grinned sheepishly. "But are you sure you can curse in the house of the Lord?"
"Dammit, Stoppable," Father Barkin finally yelled at him. "Do you want this ceremony to go on or not?"
"Ron, honey," Kim murmured softly as she tugged at his sleeve. "Just roll with it, it's cool…"
"KP, KP, I'm rolling with it… It's just hard to be cool when Mr. B here has been our substitute teacher, substitute dean, substitute professor, substitute mayor, substitute auditor and now substitute pastor," Ron listed off on his fingers. "Is there anything that you can't be a substitute of?"
"Stoppable!" Father Barkin shouted warningly.
"Ron! Hush!" Kim nudged him a little harder.
"Okay, okay! Let's get the show on the road!" Ron grinned. "Can't wait to get married to one badical beautilicious babe."
"Right… Now, where was I?" Father Barkin mused, while peering at the book in his hand. "Right, here we are. We are gathered here, yadda yadda, kids, you know what? I think everyone has waited long enough for you two to get hitched, so here's the deal. Do you, Ronald Dean Stoppable, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"
"Of course, every day of my life, each time you ask me, I'll say yes, over and over again…" Ron started prattling on.
"Just a simple 'I do' would suffice, Stoppable," Father Barkin bit out to cut the young man short. And before Ron could open his mouth again, Mr. Barkin continued. "Do you, Kimberly Anne Possible, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"
Kim could hardly contain herself when she uttered the words, "I do." It sounded strange and alien to her, but there was a sort of joyful feeling that welled up deep inside her that made her feel complete for the first time in her life. "I do." How strange, and yet fulfilling was it to utter those words? It was the most wonderful feeling she'd ever felt.
Father Barkin nodded to her with a gracious smile, and proclaimed, "If there is anyone who feels that these two should not be wed, speak now…"
A loud bang echoed across the hall, followed by the stunned silence, as a well-dressed woman in a two-piece suit stood at the end of the hallway. She threw back her dark tresses and yelled at the top of her lungs, "I object!"
The silence in the room reached a deafening roar, as everyone's eyes clouded in disbelief at the figure that stood there.
Bonnie stomped up the aisle furiously to stand face to face with Kim. Her brown eyes pierced right into those emerald globes, and Kim wilted under the intensity of emotions behind it.
"Bonnie, this is low, even for you," Monique, Kim's maid-of-honor growled angrily from behind the brunette. "High school was so eight years ago, and you have no business being here. Stop ruining Kim's life and get out of here, you know you weren't invited."
"Can it, token black person, I'm not the one ruining her life," Bonnie snipped back, much drawing gasps of shock from the crowd. The racial slur and snippy attitude was way too much for this PG-13 crowd to handle.
"Why you… You little bitch! I've got a good mind to kick your behind from here till next Tuesday," Monique snarled as she moved forward, hand raised to pull at Bonnie's dark tresses and yank some bad manners out of her head. She was barely restrained by Joss, Kim's cousin, who flew in from Montana just to be there.
Kim silently put her hand up, motioning Monique to stop. "I'll handle this," Kim uttered, sounding strangely unsure of herself. "B, I thought we'd already talked about this."
"I won't stand by and let you ruin your life," Bonnie yelled. "Especially with a loser like him."
"Hey, don't be dissing the Ron-man, yo," Ron piped up, as he glared at the haughty brunette. "Who are you to say that I'm ruining her life?"
"That's because I love her!"
Bonnie's sudden confession was followed by an audible gasp throughout the crowd. The shock was short lived, however, and gossip and rumor began flying through the crowd like a drought-fed wildfire. Kim closed her eyes and shook her head.
"B… I told you for the last time, what we had, it was all a mistake," Kim mumbled anxiously.
"What? You dated Bonnie?" Ron turned to his betrothed and gaped. "When? I thought we were always together?"
"Ron, it was two months ago," Kim whispered, looking into his eyes sadly. "It was after we blew up Drakken's lair in the Pacific. Everyone thought you were dead, and… And I was lonely and hurt. And Bonnie was just there…"
"Wait, so you hooked up with Bonnie right after I 'died'?" Ron growled, his voice developing a hard edge. "I don't know which to believe, that you would forget me so fast, or that you would run to Bonnie's arms for comfort."
"No, Ron… Believe me, I never forgot you. Bonnie was… She helped to ease the pain of losing you," Kim blinked her eyes, trying hard to keep her tears in check. "But there was never anything special, like what we have." She reached her hand out to touch his shoulder gently.
"I don't believe you! Not for one moment, K!" Bonnie almost screamed at Kim. "What about those nights when we were together in bed?"
"Wait, you slept with Bonnie?" Ron's eyes became glassy as he pictured the scene, only to be rudely interrupted by a brief smack on the back of his head by one crossed bride-to-be.
"Head in the game, Ron!" Kim muttered angrily. "It was nothing like that, we just cuddled, and she comforted me while I was crying for you."
"Well, someone didn't do very much crying, as much as she did moaning, if I recall correctly," Bonnie revealed with a smirk. Much to her chagrin, another loud gasp came from the crowd. "Oh, oh, don't stop my Queen B, rule over me, make me your royal bitch love slave." Bonnie mimicked in a high falsetto voice.
Much to her embarrassment, Kim's face turned completely red and she turned to Ron. "No, it was nothing like that, it was meaningless sex…"
"Was it meaningless sex, K? Didn't you say I make you feel more like a woman that Ron ever could?" Bonnie screeched at her words.
"KP, I can't believe you," Ron groused, shaking his head sadly. "First you cheated on me with Bonnie, then you lied about sleeping with her. Now you're comparing having sex with her and me? This is too much to handle."
"Ron! No, I really love you. It's not my fault, everyone thought you were dead," Kim cried out.
"It's true, Ron," Monique slowly spoke up. "You should have seen Kim when they announced that they were giving up the search for you. She was a ghost wandering the halls, and no one could reach out to her. If Bonnie hadn't been there…"
"So that's all I am to you, huh?" Bonnie yelled, the tears streaming down the side of her face. "Just the rebound? For God's sake, K! I lost dozens of boyfriends because I refused to have sex with them! And now that he's back, you ditch me aside like a used cigarette, after you took my virginity?" The audience gasped again. "I was saving myself for someone special and I thought it was you. I thought we had something special, K. I thought we were meant to be together."
"I'm sorry, B," Kim looked at her sadly. "I wasn't myself then, my feelings were all in a mess, and I wasn't even sure what we had was real."
"It was real, K!" Bonnie insisted, despite her sobs. "It was real, I felt it, I knew it, I know the love for me is there."
"If you felt it, it was only my love for Ron," Kim looked at her sadly. "I'm sorry."
"Not as sorry as I am for ever laying eyes on you," Bonnie blinked hard, tears streaming down the side of her face. Words had failed her ultimately, and she was wailing over the fact at that she had laid her heart out on the line, confessed her taboo relationship with Kim in front of hundreds of people and got a slap in the face because it was all a mistake. Joss took the initiative to lead her to the side so that the marriage can continue.
"Wait, Kim," Ron objected, halting any further ceremony in its tracks. "I'm not sure if I want to do this. I find out that you're cheating on me, and then you lied to me. I can't believe you lied to me, I would have forgiven you for sleeping with Bonnie especially if you have a video of that time, but because you lied about it breaks my trust in you. And you know I trust you completely."
"Ron… Don't do this," Kim's eyes had widened during Ron's monologue, and now she spoke quickly to try to keep his love and trust. "We both know we want this. And I lied, it's true that I lied. But I lied because I love you. I lied because I want us to be together. I lied because I didn't want to hurt you because of my own mistakes. Don't punish yourself by denying the both of us what we want."
"This is seriously too much to take in all at once…" Ron sighed, as he took in Kim, her angelic form at odds with the self loathing he saw in her beautiful eyes. Suddenly he smiled a soft, loving smile, and reached out to caress her face gently. "But for you... For you I'd be willing to risk that it was a onetime onl-..."
"Hold it, Buffoon!" A loud yell echoed across the room, cutting him off mid-sentence. The crowd gasped again as they looked at a figure in a black-and-green jumpsuit standing at the doorway to the main hall.
"Shego!" Kim snarled. "Come to look for a fight on my wedding day?"
"Uh oh," Ron sucked in his breath sharply as his face clearly drained of all color.
"Yeah, you better uh oh, you two-timing bastard!" Shego yelled at him angrily as she raced up the aisle, grabbing his collar roughly upon reaching him, causing Ron to whimper.
"Two-timing?" Kim looked at him, and her eyes glowered angrily at his hapless face. "What is she talking about?"
"I'll tell you what I'm talking about," Shego yelled. "Two months ago, I rescued him from the destruction of Drakken's lair and nursed him back to health. And during that time, we both fell in love with each other."
"Ron!" Kim's voice echoed around the room as she also reached over and grabbed his collar.
"And he promised to marry me, and take me away from Drakken and give me the life I deserve," Shego continued.
"Ron!" Kim repeated herself, her scream somehow louder than before. "I can't believe this! You blame me for lying to you, and sleeping with Bonnie, and now I find out that Shego's your fiancé?"
"Hold on, KP," Ron gasped weakly. "Let me explain. She tricked me."
"That's what every guy says when he gets caught," Kim muttered. "Fine, if you got such a good explanation, let's hear it."
"I… When I was rescued from the lair," Ron looked at Shego guiltily, "I was struck on the head really hard, and had a really bad concussion. As a result of that, I had amnesia."
"Amnesia!" Kim yelled in disbelief. "Like hell!"
"It's true!" Ron protested. "And when I woke up, the first face I saw was this beautiful raven-haired angel…" He gasped in pain, as Kim drove the heel of her shoe into his foot. "I mean… Shego… And she took care of me. I was delirious at the time, and I didn't know who I was, so when I asked Shego, she said I was her boyfriend."
Another audible gasped echoed through the room. Kim glared at Shego who glowered at her stormily.
Ron continued. "So I thought I was her boyfriend for a while, she said my name was Zorpox, and together we were trying to take over the world, and that Kim Possible was our arch-nemesis."
"You lied!" Kim turned accusingly to Shego.
"No, I did not lie," Shego shot back. "Okay, maybe I did. But only about being his girlfriend! And it was his suggestion in the first place!" The crowd gasped in shock at this declaration, and Kim's hot glare turned as cold as an Antarctic winter.
"Oh, really?" she deadpanned, glaring at Shego and Ron in turn.
"Yes!" Shego exclaimed. "He woke up thinking he was Zorpox! Then he asked if I was his sidekick, so..." Shego had a look of chagrin on her face as she continued. "So I said no, I was his girlfriend. And can you blame me? I mean, look at him!" she gestured to add weight to her next words. "He's got a killer body, and since he's grown into those ears and hands, he's completely gorgeous!" There were murmurings of agreement from the gathered crowd and even a grudging nod from Kim. "Not to mention he cleans up after himself, he's an excellent cook, and hands! He has such gentle hands that when he runs it over my body, I feel the electricity running through me, as though all my senses are on fire, but even the touch of his fingers are no match for the intensity of his tongue as he li-..."
"Ok, we get the point!" Kim interrupted with a growl, having heard enough of Shego's soliloquy.
Shego had the decency to blush slightly after Kim's outburst. "Anyway, as we spent time together, plotting our next scheme to take over the world, I fell in love with him, okay? He was always so kind and caring, and as I said earlier, his hands are pure electricity. Zorpy…" Shego said in a sweet voice, turning to Ron who visibly shuddered from the pet name. "Why don't you call me your beautiful Sheegsy like you use to? Didn't you feel anything for me back then? I mean, sure our relationship was based on a very, very small lie, but weren't your feelings for me at least genuine?"
"I… Well, um..." Ron stuttered, before stopping and looking at Shego like a gaffed fish. "Shego… Don't call me Zorpy ever again."
"But Zorpy," Shego said, as much to get under his skin as to use her pet name for him. "You used to love that nickname, and you always knew how to make me scream it out in the throes of passion," Shego purred affectionately with a sultry wink.
"Zorpy?!" Kim clenched her teeth so hard she could hear them grinding in her head.
"Yes, my lovable, cuddly-wuddly Zorpy," Shego crooned to the gagging sounds Ron was making.
"No, Kim, it's nothing like that!" Ron protested hotly. "It was all a plot by Shego to break us up. I know of her plans, I read her diary!"
"You read my diary?" Shego yelled angrily. "Wait, what are you talking about? I keep my diary quite secure an-..."
"Yes, Shego," Ron interrupted in a soft tone, "I found and read your diary... You forget, I was a would-be world conquering mad cook, remember?"
"Oh, really?" Shego replied, a smirk growing on her face. "I guess you read all the little fantasies I've been having since you filled out after your first year or so of college? Or about after the rescue, my concern over the lie about being your girlfriend? Or perhaps that I found you to be perfect, that despite wanting to take over the world you were still a loving, caring man? A man whom I fell in love with? And if you read up to my latest entry, perhaps you saw that I was going to tell you the truth about that one, tiny little lie and ask for a chance to be with you?"
"Sheegsy, Sheegsy, Sheegsy..." he muttered softly, the nickname that he'd used during his time with her making her blush and goose bumps to raise on her arms. "I... I may have been willing to forgive that one little lie you used on me at first, but I read your diary, about how it was all a ploy. And to make it worse, you come in and say that your diary is all lovey-dovey and full of fantasies? One little lie I could forgive, but this..."
"So based on a paper-bound diary you left me to be with her?" Shego asked as if to confirm a suspicion of her own.
"Of course I would leave you," Ron declared. "We had nothing; you seduced me, lied to me, and cheated me, all so that you could destroy my relationship KP. I had to find her, and when I finally regained my memories and came back from the dead, there was KP, except that she was in the arms of another woman." He gave her an icy look.
Kim glared back at him. "Look, you slept with her."
"And you slept with someone else, too!" Ron countered. "There was nothing between us, no emotions, no commitments."
"You're wrong, Ron," Shego said slowly. "There still is something between us. And none of what's in my diary is a lie!" she added in a near hysterical scream.
"Oh, really?" Ron said with a smirk and voice that mimicked her earlier tone surprisingly well. He reached into his tuxedo and pulled out a small, leather bound brown book. "I found this under our-..." he quickly reworded his phrase as Kim drove her heel into Ron's foot. "Under your bed the morning I left. Just try to weasel your way out of this, Sheegsy!" he spat her nickname as if it were a curse, bring a wince and misting her eyes with angry tears.
"Fine, Ron, I will." she growled at him. Blinking slightly, she reached into her purse and pulled out an elegant looking executive style pen. "Open the diary to a blank page." As Ron looked about to protest, she glared at him, and he quickly complied. She wrote down a short message in smooth, well practiced handwriting, so smooth were the actions that it was obviously her own. "Now, look at that and look at the earlier entries."
Ron again complied and his face paled, his eyes widening in surprise. "They're... Close..." Kim smirked now, and was about to open her mouth to tell Shego to get lost, when Ron continued, "But not close enough. Dammit, I may have screwed up..." he muttered, looking from Kim to Shego forlornly.
"If you'd have let me finish earlier, Zorpy," Shego said softly, flipping through the pages of the diary "You'd have heard why my diary is so secure. It's online, and it has security that Kimmie's Nerdlinger wouldn't be able to crack without a lot of time. This diary, while a good forgery, is not perfect. Don't forget, I used to be a teacher, and I'd never make the grammar mistakes I see in this, even in an Internet chatroom."
"It still doesn't matter, Shego! He was engaged to me before he was to you, and he's marrying me today! There's nothing left between the two of you!" Kim bit out at Shego angrily.
"You're wrong, Kim," Shego said slowly, looking down at her feet, "There still is something between Ron and I. I... I wasn't going to tell you this..." She paused, as if considering not continuing, but pressed on, her body tense. "I know how much you love Kim and if you'd have said no after telling you the truth, I was going to let you go to her. But I feel I need to tell you this before you make this life changing decision." She looked up, her eyes crinkled in pain as she looked between Kim and Ron. "Ron, I'm pregnant with our child."
And as if being directed, the crowd again gasped at this recent revelation.
"You're what?" Ron and Kim uttered together in shock.
"I'm pregnant, with your child," Shego repeated slowly.
"That's impossible!" Ron gasped. "It couldn't be… It must be someone else's… Shego you're lying again."
"No lies, Ron," Shego replied sadly. "It really is yours. You're the only man I've ever been with."
"No, I don't believe you," Ron denied vehemently.
"Ron, you know I was still a virgin. Just 'cause I knew how to do... Other things... Doesn't mean I had sex with anyone before you. Are you really going to deny the fruit of our love, whether you feel it now or not?" Shego asked, almost in tears. "This is proof that you loved me once, and hopefully you still love me. And if you do love me, you wouldn't leave your family behind and you would not marry that other woman."
"See, K?" Bonnie suddenly piped up from the sidelines. "Ron has another woman out there! We could be together like we were meant to be!"
"Hush, B," Kim commanded. "I will get to the bottom of this. Ron, is this true? Are you really the father?"
"I… I don't know…" Ron mumbled.
"Ron… I think I agree with you, we should call this wedding off," Kim replied. "I love you dearly, but with all this, I just... It's just not going to work between us."
"Kim, wait. Right now, I'm certain that you're the one I want to be with for the rest of my life," Ron begged.
"Woah, lover boy, what's with the change in attitude?" Kim replied. "I thought you were the one wanting to call the whole thing off?"
"I thought I wanted to, until I realized how you felt when I made a big deal of you sleeping with Bonnie. I realize I was wrong and that it doesn't matter to me anymore," Ron said. "The only thing that matters now is us, and I don't ever want to lose that."
"But what about Shego? And her unborn baby? You can't leave her like that," Kim asked, casting a sidelong, but compassionate glance at the pale-green woman.
"Shego, she's welcome to live with us, we'll raise the baby like it was our own," Ron replied. "Shego," Ron said, looking at her straight in the eye, briefly showing the love he'd had for her a scant few weeks before. "You're welcome to live with us, we'll all raise the baby together like it was our own," he said softly, glanced between Kim and Shego. "Would that be okay with you, Kim, Shego?"
"I don't know," Shego replied. "I don't know if I could live, day after day, while watching the man I love in the arms of another woman and not being with him."
"I know, Shego," Ron replied soothingly. "It'll be hard, but I wouldn't want to miss out on the raising of our child."
At that admission, Shego's face lit up, and she leaned forward and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, one chaste enough as not to give Kim any ideas or excuses to display her fine martial arts in front of everyone in the church. "Go get her, tiger."
As Ron turned back to Kim, a familiar voice filled the void left after the recent objection. Bonnie stood up and looked straight on at Shego, a smirk on her face "Hey, Mint!" she called out, drawing everyone's eyes to her. "If you're comfortable with women, you're the type of woman I normally go after..." she began confidently, only for Shego to interrupt her.
"I don't know who you are," Shego said with an apologetic smile as she stepped down from the altar to sit in the front row. "But while I may be bisexual, I prefer to get to know my ladies before dating them, if I'm available, and obviously, I'm not available. Ron's the only one for me. He makes me feel comfortable, safe, and more like a woman than anyone I've been with, man or woman."
Bonnie huffed at that comment, and glanced at the altar. "Well, I've been known to elicit that feeling before. If you need references, ask Kim." Shego's eyes flew open wide, and she turned to stare blankly at a blushing Kim.
"Look, if you need someone to talk to about these two," Bonnie said softly, indicating Ron and Kim with a wave of her hand, "All you have to do is call. Kimmie has my cell number, after all. And who knows, maybe something will work out, and since I'm on the market again..."
"Shut up, B! " Kim exclaimed before a subdued Bonnie Rockwaller slumps back in her seat, casting sidelong dreamy glances at a certain pale-green woman.
"Can we proceed?" Father Barkin asked in a frustrated growl, looking between the calm, happy face of Ron Stoppable, and the troubled face of Kim Possible.
"Sure thing, Father B!" Ron chirped, earning a sigh and a small smile from Father Barkin.
Kim, however, had been glancing between Ron, Shego, and Bonnie, her face torn in confusion, guilt, and strangely, hope. "Um, Ron...?" she whispered. As Ron looked over at her, she leaned in and whispered in his ear.
"Sure, I'll forgive you! I mean, if you, Bonnie, and Shego can forgive me?" receiving grudging nods from the latter two, and seeing the forgiveness in Kim's eyes, he smiled brighter than he had all day.
Kim saw this and turned back, a beatific smile on her face. "I'm ready too, Father Barkin."
"Finally!" he muttered, looking back into the book in his hands. Just as he opened his mouth to continue the ceremony, he was interrupted by an outraged growl.
"Hang on a minute," Monique interrupted. "Shego, Kim, Bonnie... You're forgiving him just like that?"
"How could I not, Monique?" Kim asked, shrugging expansively. "He did have amnesia..."
"Then I have a confession too," Monique, Kim's maid-of-honor declared. "I'm pregnant too. With Ron's child."
Another gasp was heard across the hall.
"No, Monique!" Kim's hand covered her mouth. "It can't be! When?"
"Yeah, your boy was cheating on you last month, shortly after he got back from his 'death'," Monique did air-quotes.
"Last month?" Realization came over her, as Kim turned to her would-be husband and yelled, "You cheated on me with my best friend?"
When Kim said this, it was too much for one of the members of the crowd. "Ronald Dean Stoppable!" Ron's father roared as he stood up, Ron's mother following suit an instant later. "It was bad enough that you wanted to marry in a Christian wedding, but we accepted that! But now we find out bad enough that you not only had sex with someone else after you asked Kim to marry you, but you got yet another woman pregnant, and Kim's best friend on top of it?"
"I thought we raised you better than this, Ron!" his mother cried, dabbing her eyes with a few of the copious amounts of tissues left out by the church.
"But...!" Ron started, then shook his head violently. "No! It wasn't me, I didn't touch her!"
"Oh yeah, Mr. 'Do-You-Want-To-Touch-The-Naked-Mole-Rat-In-My-Pants'?" Monique huffed, signing air-quotes on either side of her face. "How do you explain this?" She pointed at her midsection. "I thought of keeping my mouth shut to stop you from hurting my BFGF, but now that I found out what a scumbag you are for sleeping with her…" Monique jerked her finger angrily at Shego, "I feel I got to tell Kim all about our little 'escapade'." Again with the air-quotes.
"What? Ron?" Kim glared at him. "What's your excuse this time? Amnesia again? Or do you want to pull some sort of crap out like 'It wasn't me, it was my long lost evil twin brother!'"
"Kim, believe me, I wouldn't lie about this," Ron begged. "Not after her." He pointed at Shego who was mildly amused watching the recent drama unfolding around her. "I seriously did not sleep with her."
"Oh yeah?" Monique gnashed her teeth. "Boy, do I remember your soft, dainty little hands cupping my chest and fondling me as you took me from behind."
"Dainty little hands?" Shego looked up in alert. "You mean these?" She grabbed Ron's hands and held up two very large, very calloused hands.
"Err… Well… They felt small on my chest, you know," Monique replied weakly, after looking at those hands. "I am very well-endowed you know."
Shego wordlessly dragged a protesting Ron down from the altar to stand in front of Monique and placed both of Ron's hands on Monique's assets much to the chagrin of Kim, the blush on Ron's face and the loud gasp of the crowd. Shego quickly turned her head and snapped at them, "Enough with the gasping already, I'm surprised you are all still conscious from all that gasping. Geez. After all this drama, I thought nothing would surprise you people any more."
"You… You're… You're right…" Monique whispered quietly. "These are not the hands… I… I thought it was you… It was dark, it sounded just like you… I called you Ron, and you replied, calling me your brown chocolate sweetness…"
Shego snorted. "Soft, dainty hands, there's only one person I know who would do such a scatter-brained scheme with soft, dainty hands." She turned to the crowd and yelled out, "Drakken!"
Kim and Ron turned to the crowd and gasped out, "Drakken?"
A figure in a long coat and a hat that masked his face stood up from the crowd. "Shego! Why did you have to go and ruin my plan? I was on the brink on destroying Kim Possible and that buffoon! Kim Possible, you think you're all that, but you're not!"
Shego marched down the aisle and yanked Drakken up to the altar by the ear, to his whimperings of "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… Shego! Not the ear!"
Shego grabbed both of his hands and placed them on Monique's chest.
Monique's eyes grew wide, as she realized the truth. "It was you!"
Silently at the side, Kim and Ron had a look of disgust on their faces and they both quietly muttered "Ewww…"
"Uh hehe…" Drakken laughed weakly.
"Okay, Blue Boy!" Monique yelled at the simpering blue-tinted evil villain. "Why'd you do it? Why sleep with me while pretending to be Ron?"
"It was all part of my brilliant plan!" Drakken declared proudly before Monique reached over and twisted his ear hard. "Ow..." He whined. "Okay, okay! I was trying to get Kim Possible to break up with the buffoon. I used a voice modulator to sound like the buffoon, after working out enough to match his body as close as I could, then I went and went into your room that night. Once Kim Possible found out that you slept with the buffoon, she would drop him faster than an exploding Pan-Dimensional Vortex Inducer." Drakken cackled madly only to be cut off suddenly by the glowering look in the African-American's eyes.
"Why?"
"Because…" Drakken shuffled nervously at the altar. "Because… Because he took my minty love muffin away from me."
"Your what?" Monique almost screeched into his ear.
"I told you never to call me that ever again!" Shego screamed into his other ear. "Didn't you get the message? We're through! I broke up with youafter that disaster you called a 'superior first date'!"
Drakken visibly shrunk between the two, clearly enraged women, next to him.
"Wait, you used me to get back at Ron, because Shego fell in love with him?" Monique asked hotly.
"Well, that was the plan," Drakken grinned weakly. He turned back to Shego, his eyes filled with pain. "And it failed all thanks to you Shego. I tried to win you back, but no… You just had to fall in love with the buffoon! So the very first thing I did was to find any copies of your handwriting and make a machine that could mimic it!"
Drakken's tone had taken on an edge much like when he was explaining his next world domination plot, which was one of the reasons Shego had cited to him when she told him she was leaving to be with Ron. "You're treading on very thin Ice, Blue Boy..." Shego's growl told him to choose his next words very carefully.
"Well, I had it write out a diary, and I snuck into your room (for continuity, as Shego mentioned her private places) to hide it under your bed..."
His next words were cut off as Shego twisted his ear roughly. "What have I told you before about sneaking around in my private places, Dr. D?" Shego said, before releasing his ear in with a slight shove. She glanced at Ron and Kim, gauging their reaction to Drakken admitting to planting the diary. "Continue." she muttered, seeing understanding and apology in their eyes as they looked at her in turn.
"Anyway, I tried and tried to show you that I love you, and now you end up here at the buffoon's wedding, declaring your love for him although you knew he wouldn't take you back. I could have given you everything, Shego! I would have given you the world, if you just loved me back. You think you're all that… Ow… Ow… Ow…"
Monique grabbed his ear this time and twisted it so hard until Drakken could have sworn it had been twisted off. "So what do you plan to do about this?" She hissed angrily at him. "Ron there did the manly thing by offering to raise his child with Shego."
"Err… I… I will pay for child support?" Drakken suggested weakly.
"That's a start, hand over your wallet," Monique demanded, snapping her fingers impatiently.
"But…"
"No buts! Hand it over now! You better make good on your promise if you ever want your child to call you daddy!" Monique yelled at him. Drakken grudgingly dug into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet and handing it over to her.
"Hmm… not bad," Monique grinned as she inspected the contents. "Two Visas, one Mastercard, one Discover card and one American Express card. What are the spending limits on these cards?" She asked with a cold, almost clinical detachment.
"All of them are 125,000 each, except for the Discover. That's 250,000," Drakken replied truthfully.
"Ah… So you're loaded…" Monique flashed an evil grin. "That's a start, but you're still not forgiven. From now on, your paycheck is going to go into my bank account, your money affairs will be handled by me and me solely. You will go to work at eight A.M. and come back promptly by six P.M. I will give you a monthly spending allowance. Tomorrow, we are going to go buy a house in Middleton and I hear the Towers Green is a really nice area."
"Towers Green?" Drakken balked. "That's like… Those houses cost over a three million each."
"I figured that since you have credit cards this huge, you can afford it," Monique replied coolly.
"But I still have to pay off my mortgage on my evil lairs," Drakken whined.
"No husband of mine would be off running around in the dead of night with a bunch of losers dressed in tacky jumpsuits!" Monique twisted his ear again for a good measure. "Now, you are going to get a proper job, and be a good husband else I will sic lawyers on you and take everything you'll ever have."
"But… But…" Drakken whimpered.
"No buts! That's final!" Monique yelled. "Now shut up, and sit down in front, so we can get on with the wedding."
"Yes."
"Yes what?" Monique demanded.
"Yes, dear."
"No, you don't get to call me dear! You have to earn the right to be called my husband," Monique bit out harshly. "You are going to address me as Mistress, until I feel that you can call me Honey, or Dear or Sweetie. Got it?"
"Yes, Mistress." Drakken quietly slunk to the front pew and sat down sheepishly amid the murmuring mirth surrounding him. The crowd seemed to enjoy that the blue-tinted villain who once inspired fear in the world was so thoroughly whipped by the mother of his child.
"Wow, Monique," Kim gasped. "But how…"
"Look, Kim, there's no way I'm raising this child alone," Monique explained. "And if anything, Blue Boy over there is so loaded that I don't need to work at Club Banana anymore. In fact, I will own my very own franchise of Club Banana soon. From what you tell me about his evil lairs, I think I will be able to open a five-storey Club Banana superstore right here in Middleton."
"Wow, Monique, you really put Drakken in his place," Ron gushed.
"It's no big, you just got to know how to handle your guy after all," Monique smiled at her two young friends. "Now let's get this wedding on the road before something else shows up to interrupt your moment."
Father Barkin looked at the both of them and sighed, "Okay, after what we've all just witnessed, I don't think there could be any more surprises and I doubt there would be a viable objection after what you two just went through. So without further ado, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
The crowd finally cheered, as the men stood up and clapped, and the women said, "Aww…" and gently dabbed the side of their eyes with their handkerchiefs. It was a touching moment, to see two souls who clearly love each other very deeply finally joined in holy matrimony.
The rest of the ceremony went smoothly. Ron did the traditional sling shot with Kim's garter, which was caught by a surprised Wade, who glared at Ron, knowing that Ron had practically aimed for him. Kim threw her bouquet, which landed in between Joss Possible and an over-enthusiastic Josh Mankey. Josh Mankey had let go after a brief slap on his wrist had caused him to squeal and nurse his broken wrist. He looked up and caught more than just a few displeasing looks from the bridesmaids. "What?" He protested, "I'm a woman, trapped in a man's body."
The newlyweds ran down the aisle and outside to the waiting limo, popcorn being thrown over them as they went through the gauntlet of guests.
The crowd of guests quickly disbursed, following the limo to the reception, which was being held at one of Upperton's swankiest hotels. The newlyweds were greeted by an athletic Wade, who had recently discovered the urges of teenage hormones and got over his fears of cooties, which explains his newfound well-toned body, well-accented by a very hot-looking ex-cheerleader from Kim's squad on each arm.
During the reception, Bonnie had stopped stalking Shego after a couple of green flashing plasma and scorched carpet marks made her reconsider her feelings. She turned her attention to another red-headed Possible who had just caught her eye.
"Heya, Joss…" Bonnie purred her name, before sidling up next to the young girl.
"I don't know how ya been brought up, but since ya slept with mah cousin yonder, ya better not lay finger on me…" Joss snapped back. "It would be like sleeping with yah own cousin."
Bonnie's face fell, as she sniffed back her third rejection of the day, before wandering around to the bar and ordering a triple-shot of Jameson whiskey. Her third triple-shot for the night. As she felt the harsh brown liquid burn through her throat, and tears welling in her eyes, she caught sight of a beautiful blond sight, sitting next to her at the bar. She smiled as she got up a little tipsy and sauntered saucily over to her target.
"Tara," Bonnie slurred sexily, as sexily as a drunk chick could slur. "I know that we've been friends forever, but now I think I'm feeling something totally new…"
Tara looked over at her best friend from high school with a raised eyebrow and a grimace of distaste. "Bonnie, that's Kim and Ron's song. And as to what you're feeling that's totally new, I think that's the whiskey about to come up the wrong way…"
Mrs. Dr. Possible glided through the crowd in the reception up to Kim and quickly whispered into her ear, "Kimmie, you better do something about Bonnie. She's hitting on everything with two legs and a vagina…"
Monique was reaming out her husband-to-be, Drakken, who was cringing at every word she spat out, "What kind of stupid plan is that? And what kind of idiot goes around calling himself Drakken? That's a retarded name! Hell, what's that look for? Huh? Why'd you give me that look? Oh, now you're gonna get it… If you think I'm a bitch now, wait till I'm in my third trimester when the hormones really kick in…"
Mr. Dr. P was discussing the details of his gift to the newlywed couple to Mr. and Mrs. Stoppable. "You see these blueprints here? That's the newly designed, prototype anti-matter fuel injector, which will propel one cheating son-in-law to the nearest black hole which is, oh about 2,734.32 light years away…"
Rufus was marinating in an empty martini glass, and he hiccupped. With a drunk smile on his face, he grinned, "Cheese…"
Jim and Tim were about to discover that wedding cakes and J200 rocket fuel do not mix well, as they went, "Hicka bicka boo…"
Josh was excitedly explaining to Father Barkin why gym was his favorite class. "It's just the energy of the class, you know... so many men... Mmm..." he licked his lips. "Altogether, bonding close together, embracing each other and having the teamwork and camaraderie that can only happen in boys shower rooms..."
Wade was explaining to his arm candy how the reality TV series, Beauty and the Geek, as a travesty and an insult to the beauty and intelligence of movie everywhere, with Jessica and Marcella nodding away, they weren't sure about his references to the absurdity of string theory as requiring eight more dimensions just so that the mathematics could fit. The only thing they were sure of was, "Once you go black…"
Yori glided through the hallway, catching the eyes of many a young suitor, but a quick flash of steel and the sudden dismemberment of a tie of any man whose hands wandered too close made them change their minds. She looked at the happy newlyweds and thought to herself, "Ron-kun, a great man like you needs many concubines, and it would be my honor to…"
Timothy North, eccentric billionaire who used to play the Fearless Ferret on a popular television series looked proudly at his young prodigy, and mused, "He will do much ferreting later tonight, just not the crime-fighting sort…"
Joss looked around before the sight of Ron and Kim Stoppable caught her eye. She walked towards them, tentatively before cutting into their conversation. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but..." she began, only to stop and gulp nervously.
"What is it, Joss?" Kim prodded gently, smiling at the blush that rose in her younger cousin's cheeks.
"Well, y'know how I caught the bouquet an' stuff?" She continued.
"Yeah!" Ron exclaimed happily, "You looked a little shocked to have been the one to catch it!"
"Well, y'see, I, uh, kinda have a really serious relationship goin' with a dude I met at the university here in Upperton..." she began, raising a hand as Kim's smile widened and she opened her mouth to speak. "An', well, I didn't know you guys knew him well enough to invite him to the wedding. I mean, I know he went to school with you an' all, but... Well, he's here and I think he saw me, and, well, with me supposed to be up at the ranch in Bozeman over the summer..."
"Oh," Shego interjected, "So, what, you're worried he saw ya catch the bouquet and will think you want to 'take the next step', or that you're spying on him or some such?"
"Yeah, kinda..." Joss said, her blush sinking below the low cut blouse she wore.
"Tell ya what," Kim said, "We were pretty much done here, at least for a while, so how about you bring me over and introduce him as your serious boyfriend, and I can assure him that you're not going to ask to marry him just 'cause you caught the bouquet and that you're here on my invitation?"
"Do ya think that'll work, Kim?" Joss said hopefully.
"We'll never know if we don't try!" Kim said happily, grabbing Joss' hand and asking her to lead on.
Joss did so, straight over to the well stocked bar in the reception room. There was a young, slight built man standing there waiting for a drink. For some reason, even though the man had his back to them, Kim had a feeling she knew him, but couldn't place how, exactly. As they approached, Joss broke away from Kim and nervously approached the man, her voice almost cracking when she called out to him, "Hey, babe..."
He turned around and beamed a happy smile at him, his voice shocked and happy at the same time. "Joss, babe! What're you doing here, I thought you were stuck up in Montana at the ranch over the summer!" he babbled as he swept her into a deep hug. He glanced up to see Kim standing just a few feet away, and turned Joss around in the hug to direct his next question at Kim, "So, Kim, do you know Joss from somewhere?" he asked, completely oblivious to the shock and near disgust just starting to register on her face.
"Of course, Cousin Larry!" Kim deadpanned, directing her comment at both of them, "She's my cousin Joss!"
Author's Notes
When I saw the competition, my mind instantly hit upon half a dozen soap opera clichés that annoy the crap out of me. Namely characters who die, and come back from the dead, amnesia, tons of drama involving interrupted marriages, cheating spouses and of course the quintessential incest relationship. So I set up a very seemingly boring and typical church wedding scene like we've all seen on this website, and then I start hitting hard and hitting fast with the clichés.
The Bonnie interruption was the first of many clichés, I mean, how often do we see drama when people objecting at the last moment? There's a line during that section that I must give credit to someone else, Bubbahotek, "…make me your royal bitch love slave." It came from his fic, "No Touchie, No Feely" and it was an amusing fic. I just tried to imagine a really kinky love name for Kim to call herself, but nothing else takes the cake like that one, so I hope you don't mind the rip-off.
From then on, it was kinda amusing to see Bonnie hit on women all over. Her lines to Tara during the wedding reception was sort of reminiscent of the friendship she had with Tara, so I wondered if she sang something like that to her best friend, it'll work for her too. But guess not.
The Sheegsy/Zorpy thing was a good laugh personally. I've always been a partial Rongo fan as some people can see from my main fic, The Human Element. Shego's character here is loosely based on Shego's character in my main fic, she's in love with Ron, she lies to him, but she'd do anything for him. Also I figured that to make this a true soap opera, Kim and Ron must have cheated on each other, in a sort of "turnabout is fair play" kind of thing.
I feel there must be at least some other sort of plotting, with Drakken trying to break up Sheegsy and Zorpy, so yeah, there came in that diary thing, which was exposed with Shego's handwriting. And of course, in true Drakken's fashion, he attempted the worst possible frame-up, by sleeping with Monique. In actual fact, during the writing of that, I cringed in horror at the atrocities I can imagine. Of course then again, I figured Monique can rein in the rampant mad scientist and put his funds to good(?) use. Also I sort of made the way that Monique realized that it wasn't Ron who groped her because of his hands, because I've seen so many fics that have this same lines, "Big hands, big feet, big…" Or whatever. And it's amusing when I realized this one scene in StD where Killigan remarks, "Ah… he has wee dainty hands!" And from there, I thought, hey, what a crazy way to show that… Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny.
At first I wanted to end the fic with Wade running in after the wedding is over, screaming that Kim and Ron can't get married, because they are in actual fact half-brother and sister, to round up the soap opera clichés. Thought about it, my beta objected in that people would see that coming a mile away, and also after half the crap that went on in the church, as Barkin would say, "I doubt there would be any more viable objections after what you two went through." So I resigned to letting Kim and Ron have the happiness they deserve.
Which was a good thing, because I had a lot of fun writing the reception scene, a lot of good lines were there. Like Timothy North's one, "He will do much ferreting later tonight, just not the crime-fighting sort…" Plus, of course who could forget the essential bouquet toss? I instinctively tossed Josh into the bunch, because hey, it's just me, but I don't trust artistic guys. No matter how many cheerleaders they date.
Basically, I tried to give a nod to as many characters as possible, as it'll add to the convoluted story. But sometimes it's hard to squeeze in villains. I mean, Monkeyfist might say something like, "His Mystical Monkey Powers would definitely help him play Catch the Monkey…" While DNAmy would say something like, "I hope Kimmie appreciates the real Pandaroo I sent her…" And Killigan would go, "Aye… That boy gotta hit a hole in one tonight…" And Dementor would go, "Ze way zese two var stuck together var worse than ze time with ze bondo ball…" But it was kinda hard to put all that in, and I stopped short after Timothy North's comment.
All in all, this was a devastatingly enjoyable fic to write, so much avenue for jokes and innuendo, so many laughs, and it was a blast having to write this. So yeah, I appreciate the much support, and to those who recognized my writing, kudos, and have a good year ahead.