A/N:
New story! Very exciting! What was supposed to be a one-shot of Scully's thoughts and feelings have turned into a multiple-chaptered romantic story. It's from Scully's POV written in a mixture of thought flows and journal-like sequences. Will later turn into something more actively story-like, so this first chapter is very much more of a presentation of Scully's current situation and mind (according to my mind and fantasy, heh). I'll maintain the writing style though in the chapters to come.
Since I haven't watched more than till 9X04 of The X-Files, this takes place at that time and you should expect that everything before that can be spoiled!
This is very clear femslash, I guess you have already guessed the pairing, so I won't say ;)
I have some more chapters coming up, but this is very much a work-in-progress without a set ending yet. I'd love to hear thoughts or ideas or any sort of reaction/feedback really! It's nice to know if people have actually read what you've written, and it really encourages me to continue :)
It wasn't something I was expecting to happen. Not something that I thought was possible, given the situation. When I look back, I think it was a mixture of many different things. The loss of a man I had been so emotionally bonded to that it still scared me, the birth of my son and therefor the birth of a new world perspective for me, the bond created through that, the loneliness of having to go through all of it without Mulder by my side and the reminisce of someone else long lost and still loved dearly. Still it was something that defied all that I was expecting for my future and myself. My future. I'm not sure how I planned things to come out. On one hand I was longing for Mulder to come home, to be with the family that he had helped to create, on the other hand I dreaded just that. I feel guilty even thinking it, but a part of me hidden deep inside, was relieved that my life with Mulder was on standby. That I finally had time to stop and breath in and enjoy a nice and more quiet life with less aliens and more quality time with my newborn son. A part of me just really longed to move on.
I believe that a part of me will always love Mulder, love the person he was at the bottom of his heart, love what he left behind in my son. But between kidnappings, cancer and family deaths, my emotional side has been left completely drained and messed up. And while one part of me wanted him to take me in my arms and make it all go away, another part of me knew that his arms could never give me the complete peace I longed for and to be honest, I was scared for everybody's safety should Mulder return.
But then what about the future? Would I be a single mother, working as a federal agent for the FBI? I had the support of my own mother, my family; I wasn't completely left to my own. Would I find another man who could raise my son with me and who wouldn't bring any sort of danger with him? While it was certainly a possibility, the thought seemed horrible in the light of my recent loss of Mulder. Anyway, I had my team with me to support me as well. John Doggett, who while being extremely rough around the edges always tried to understand and protect me. The same goes for Walter Skinner, who have brought an almost fatherly care for me with him and whom I now trust completely to keep the wellbeing of me and my son a top priority.
Then there's Monica Reyes. Monica. The last person I was expecting to show up in a time of need. The woman who tried to help me find Mulder when all hope seemed lost. The woman who took my hand and drove me away when they were coming after my son. Who protected me, gave me shelter, build a small temporary home just for me to give birth. Who called me beautiful when I felt most awful. Who has ever only been gentle and caring towards me in a comforting and relaxing sense, when that was what I needed the most. Who did everything to protect me and my son when all hope seemed lost. I'm forever grateful for that. She reminds me of my sister sometimes, with all her cosmic talk and thoughts. It's a nice thing to remember. Other times, she almost reminds me of Mulder with her everlasting passion, willpower and her tendency to look for unusual answers in the unexplained. But while that is all true, she seems to lack the same sort of sense to overlook the bigger perspective that always got Mulder out in dangerous situations.
Maybe that's the reason behind all this madness, or maybe it's all the things that was listed in the beginning, all that I know for certain is that ever since the night she helped give birth to me son, she hasn't been able to leave my mind. Lately I've also found myself looking at her, letting my eyes linger over her face, her body. It fascinates me, how she's able to pour out so much calmness, lightness and strength at the same time. I find my gaze starring into her dark eyes, look over her soft features, her curves. Mulder never had any of that. None of my previous romantic partners have had that. And there it is. The million dollar thought that keep plaguing my mind and eating at my soul. What does it all mean? Why would I even compare her to romantic partners when she's another woman, a deeply admired friend? A colleague?
I see the glimmer in her eyes when she looks at me; I see the way her face lights up when we talk. But with the exception of a heartwarming compliment and a friendly hand on my shoulder, she hasn't tried to flirt with me or anything. I know that she wouldn't risk ruining our work relationship, our slowly building friendship. I think she knows how much I've been through and knows that I need a friend more than anything else, and even if I have a hard time letting anyone in, I know she would never give up on the possibility that I might one day open up to her. At the same time, I also know that she would never demand it from me. She doesn't demand anything from me. It's rather refreshing.
Maybe I'm just lonely and vulnerable. Maybe that's why she's stuck on my minds. Maybe she reminds me of different things lost and dearly missed. But as I sit here, right now, looking deeply into her eyes, I don't see Mulder or Melissa. I see Monica. Only Monica. Her long soft dark hair, her friendly smile, her kind and compelling eyes. I feel my heart beat faster, and while it certainly could be because of the wine, I know for certain that my mind isn't near any of the previously stated things.
I'd invited her over this morning. It was really more like a spur of the moment thing. We had been going over a new X-file for which Doggett and Reyes had wanted me to do an autopsy. And while everybody had been busy starring at the slide show in the darkened room, John going on about all the details of the case, my eyes had crept over to the woman standing in front of me. She was clearly concentrated on the story being told, her eyebrows furrowed slightly. It was a cute look on her. I loved seeing her like this. Slowly as my thought drifted, my gaze dipped lower, down to her so soft looking lips and lower still to the base of her slender neck, the edge of her white t-shirt. Blue jeans and a white t-shirt, a dark blazer on top to make it seem more work appropriate. She looked so butch sometimes. So hot. I knew I should've stopped my mind from running in those directions, should listen to an important case involving the life and death of people. But somehow, I didn't want my thoughts to stop.
I was tired of being so damn alone all the time, tired of always waiting to act or tell or let myself be vulnerable. I never allowed myself to be vulnerable, scared of getting hurt. This time, I told myself, I wouldn't do that. This time, I felt safe enough that even if things didn't go my way, nothing would be blamed on me. She wouldn't blame me for anything in this vulnerable position, and I doubt that if I asked her to stay by my side as a friend she would say no.
So when Doggett was finally done and had left the room, Reyes about to follow him, I lightly touched her elbow, making her turn to face me.
"Agent Reyes, can you stay for a moment longer?" I asked in a more quiet tone, looking her in the eyes with a mixture of pleading and seriousness, but also testing my waters.
"Sure." She nodded, slightly confused whether she should be worried or not. For a second she turned around to face a still-standing John, waiting patiently for her. "Go ahead John, I'll catch you in a minute." Doggett didn't seem entirely sure of the situation though, as he looked directly past Reyes to look me in the eyes.
"Everything okay there, Agent Scully?" he asked in his usual concerned tone. I suddenly felt my cheeks flush in slight embarrassment, all my hopes of being discreet and smooth long gone.
"Everything's fine, don't worry." I replied in my usual firm tone, closing off any discussions. He looked at me for a moment longer before giving a curt nod to the two of us and heading for the elevator. When he was finally out of sight, Monica turned back towards me, looking me straight in the eyes with those dark and penetrating eyes of hers.
"So what did you want to talk about?" she asked gently. Suddenly I felt like a fool, standing with still flushed cheeks and a beating heart. How in the world was I going to execute this? I really should have thought it through before just jumping right into it. This wasn't like me at all and I suddenly began to hate this impromptu idea of mine. But it was too late to back out.
"I was wondering if you have any plans for this evening?" I asked, my gaze turned slightly downwards in embarrassment. Looking back up, I found Monica looking at me with a mixture of confusing and what looked like slight shock, completely unsure as to what kind of scenario she would walk into. Hopefully not any more deathly conspiracies, I could imagine her thinking.
"Not really, no. What did you have in mind?" she asked with furrowed brows.
"I was wondering if you'd maybe like to come over to my place." I smiled lightly in an ironic manner at the absurdity of the situation, which seemed to be a good thing, because when I looked her in her eyes a small but curious smile grew on her lips as well.
"Is there any secrets I should know about? Should I ask John to tag along or something? Is everything alright?" Of course she would think it could only ever be work related. God, I hated that I had to deepen my very clearly lacking explanation for the proposal.
"No, nothing to worry about. Just two colleagues getting a glass of wine and relaxing a bit after a stressful time." Now she looked extremely but very pleasantly surprised. I don't think she had ever really seen a lot of this side of me. Not a lot of people do. I liked to see her like this, beaming over something so silly. It made me blush even harder. "What?" I asked with the air of a nervous chuckle hidden in my embarrassed smile as I suddenly found it hard to keep my gaze straight at hers.
"Nothing. I just thought you'd never ask." She stated quietly. Now it was my turn to look slightly surprised up at her, a calm and slightly beaming smile still resting on her face.
"So is that a yes?" I asked, wanting to clarify.
"Yes, that's a yes." She said with a chuckle, and that was that.