Author's Notes: Here am I with another TezuFuji, this time in two POVs. I was supposed to finish this earlier but I got stuck with other things. Anyway, the timeline of this fic takes off on the episodes after Tezuka's return from Germany – that would mean from 140 onwards. I hope you like this as you liked my previous works.
Dedication: To all those who reviewed 'Underneath the Pastel Blankets': Moribayashi, Angel72, Psychotic Azn, Saki, Ikyutakei, wadeva, Silence, and purple jellybean hoarder – thank you. And also to Reeza, for washing the dishes last Monday.
Disclaimer: Tennis no Oujisama and all its characters belong to Konomi Takeshi-sama. Only the story line is mine.
The Chicken and Egg Issue
If there was one person in this world that I never got close to understanding, it would be Aniki.
It wasn't as if anyone ever understood him, but I was his brother and I was supposed to know a bit more than the others. However, that wasn't the case. Especially if it concerned one person…
Tezuka Kunimitsu.
Ever since Aniki met Tezuka-san in his first year in Seishun Gakuen, almost every story he told us had the buchou's name inserted in it. Not a day passed by that Tezuka-san's name wasn't mentioned. It almost seemed like Aniki was fixated on Tezuka-san.
But it was more than being fixated. Aniki was in love.
I never thought that Aniki would fall for someone of the same sex. But then again, nothing about Aniki was in my realm of possible thoughts. It didn't bother me, though. As long as Aniki was happy with it, it was alright with me.
However, the road of love was never a smoothly paved one. Even for Tensai Fuji Syusuke.
Tezuka-san only had his heart set on tennis. And only on tennis.
But Aniki was never the type to give up easily.
It seemed like an endless chase. Aniki doing everything just to get Tezuka-san to notice him as more than a player worthy of his respect. Aniki dropping little innuendoes, wanting to get something out of the stoic buchou. Aniki watching Tezuka-san from afar as the buchou went on his way everyday. Aniki standing beside him… just standing there and waiting.
Aniki was lowering his pride for a person who did not even care about him the least bit.
And watching it unfold in front of my eyes frustrated me to no end.
There were countless times when I wanted to bash Aniki's head on the wall and shout at him. Tezuka-san wasn't the only person in the world who could love him. In fact, there were quite a number of people who loved him and who he can love back.
There was his teammate, Kawamura Takashi.
At first, it wasn't really that blatant that he had affections for Aniki. After all, Taka-san was kind to everyone. But there was something about the way he acted around Aniki that was different from the way he treated the others.
I remember seeing it a few months before I left Seishun Gakuen. As usual, I was standing under a tree near the courts. I was watching the interaction between the regulars and non-regulars, watching how Aniki treated them and how they treated Aniki.
Taka-san was talking to him about his father's sushi shop and how he would love it if Aniki stopped by one time. Aniki's smiled and said he would love to especially if they made Wasabi sushi. I shook my head at Aniki's strange preference in food. Taka-san seemed to think along the same lines too as he was scratching the back of his neck. Then suddenly, Eiji-san appeared out of nowhere and glomped Aniki from behind. Aniki, who was standing only on one leg, lost his balance and fell into Taka-san's waiting arms.
Taka-san blushed and stammered a lot of incoherent words after that.
Funny, I thought. He never acted that way even when Eiji-san would almost throw his whole body on him a lot more times and that was way more embarrassing than holding Aniki in his arms.
But that would only seem like a crush, ne? However, it was the way he looked at Aniki afterwards – when Aniki got out of that embrace with a 'thanks' then walked away with Eiji-san – that told me that there was more to what Taka-san really felt.
Then there was our childhood friend, Saeki Kojiroh.
Perhaps if there was one person who really loved Aniki, it would be him.
Ever since we were children, Saeki-san was the only one who really could stand being with Aniki especially when he released his sadistic side. They looked older than they really were, talking about things that weren't often discussed at their age. He tolerated Aniki in ways I could not. And I think, somehow he understood Aniki.
Perhaps that was one of the reasons why they were incredible in doubles when they played against Yanagi-san and Inui-san.
I sighed, memories of the past coming into mind.
I remember our last day in Oji's playground. Aniki was smiling albeit this time, sadly. Saeki-san was returning the same smile. They just stayed like that for a long time – watching each other, silently. I was watching the scene from behind Aniki, hearing every breath they took. Then suddenly, Saeki-san reached out and wrapped his arms around Aniki, taking him by surprise.
"Kojiroh!" Aniki was taken by surprise. I wasn't. Saeki-san had better say his piece before we leave, I thought.
Saeki-san closed his eyes and buried his face on Aniki's hair. "I'll miss you, Syusuke."
I wanted to roll my eyes. Baka Saeki-san, I wanted to say.
Aniki seemed to surrender in that embrace. "So will I."
Then Saeki-san smiled like this was a moment he would forever keep in his heart.
I put my hands behind my head and lowered myself on the place I was sitting on and stared at the stars.
Why couldn't Aniki love Taka-san?
Why couldn't Aniki love Saeki-san?
Why did Aniki insist on loving someone who has a very low possibility of loving him back?
I sighed, tired, and closed my eyes. The next time I get to have a private moment with Aniki, I will talk to him. And I will get some answers.
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"Ah, there you are, Yuuta."
The younger Fuji slowly opened his eyes – blinking them awake – focusing on the face that hovered above his. "Aniki?"
Syusuke gave his usual smile and sat beside his brother as the latter sat upright. They both stared at the scenery in front of them, just sitting on top of the roof the equipment room of the camp.
"How did you know I was here?" Yuuta asked.
"You always liked staying at high places, viewing everything from the top." The tennis Tensai chuckled. "There was even a time when I though you would rather be an astronaut than a tennis player!
"But look at you now – a part of the All Japan Junior Tennis Training Camp."
Somehow, Yuuta thought, that last sentence sounded like his brother was proud of him. And that made him smile.
"What were you doing here anyway? Dinner was served half an hour ago." Syusuke knew that his brother was never the one to let dinner pass by.
"Nothing," the left-handed answered. About you, he wanted to add.
"Saa..."
Yuuta let his gaze settle on his brother as Syusuke hugged his knees close to him.
"Aniki…"
"Hmm?"
"Do you know how Taka-san feels about you?"
The smiling façade on the tensai's face faded. "Ah."
"What about Saeki-san?"
Syusuke hugged his knees closer.
"I do."
"But you love Tezuka-san."
"Yes."
"Why?" Yuuta demanded. "He doesn't love you!"
His older brother flinched but said nothing.
"Why are you pursuing him when there are two people waiting for you to love them back? You can pick either of them! What's in Tezuka-san that you just can't let go of that love and open your eyes to other… opportunities?!"
Oh yes. Fuji Yuuta was beyond frustrated. He wanted answers and he wanted them now. He will not let his brother get hurt again without knowing why Tensai Fuji Syusuke continued to bang himself against a wall.
"I could tell you all the reasons why I love Tezuka but then, you'd just end up mocking me as a Shakespeare-wannabe."
"Then try and explain it to me in a way that I won't mock you."
Yuuta was being stubborn, that Syusuke knew. But the older Fuji knew he was more stubborn.
"There are too many reasons, Yuuta."
"I don't care!" Yuuta cried out, grabbing his Aniki's shoulders, making Syusuke face him. "I want to understand you, Aniki. Just this once."
Syusuke stared at his brother, cerulean eyes open. The truth was, he didn't know why he was refusing to open up to Yuuta. It wasn't as if he didn't trust his brother – he did – but he wasn't really comfortable with relaying his emotions.
But Yuuta was asking him to make him understand. And never did he have any strength to refuse a request from his brother.
Seeing that his brother would finally speak up, Yuuta released him. Syusuke shifted his gaze to look at the stars above them.
"It's a chicken and egg issue really."
Yuuta choked. "Chicken and egg issue?"
The older Fuji nodded. "No matter how many arguments you present to defend whichever side, it will always remain unexplainable. The same goes for my reasons for still loving Tezuka despite everything. I just love him."
Yuuta just looked intently at his brother, not really knowing what to say. Suddenly, Syusuke seemed so transparent in front of him – the way his brother never had been to anyone else.
Yuuta knew he should be satisfied with his Aniki's answer but somehow, he did not want some metaphorical answer. He wanted to understand…
"Aniki…"
"FUJIKO-CHAN, NYA!" came Kikumaru's loud voice, taking them both by surprise.
"Eiji!"
"Eiji-san! Don't surprise me like that!"
Chortling, Kikumaru held up a v-sign. "Didn't know you were bonding with Yuuta-kun."
Syusuke just smiled, poise back in place. "I was looking for him, too. By the way, why are you here? Weren't you with Oishi just a while ago?"
Setting himself on Yuuta's left side, he answered, "I was until someone asked me to go looking for you."
"Me?"
"Uh-huh."
"Who was looking for Aniki?" Yuuta asked.
"Tezuka was. Didn't say why. He just told me to tell you to go to his room," came Kikumaru's answer.
Syusuke's eyes suddenly flew open. Tezuka was looking for him…
Getting up as swiftly and as gracefully as possible, he thanked his best friend and told Yuuta to head to the dining room and eat.
Meanwhile, Yuuta's head was plagued with questions once again. Why did Tezuka want to talk his brother? What were they going to talk about? Did Tezuka finally have feelings for Syusuke as well?
"Fuji looks like a fool, doesn't he?" came Kikumaru's voice, startling him again for the second time that night. Albeit this time, the senior's voice was serious.
"What do you mean, Eiji-san?"
"Perhaps Tezuka will never get to see him as someone other than a tennis player and his schoolmate. Perhaps he'll never realize just how much Fuji loves him. Perhaps he'll always be sad, knowing that Tezuka'll never love him back."
Kikumaru gazed at the stars above them and sighed. "And perhaps, Fuji will always hide behind that mask but there's nothing we can do. Fuji has his own reasons for doing so even if we don't understand them."
Yuuta stared at his brother's best friend. "You heard our conversation a while ago, didn't you?"
The acrobatic player nodded. "I asked the same question to Oishi one time. I was worried about Fuji. Then Oishi smiled and quoted from Blaise Pascal, 'The heart has reasons that reason doesn't know.' I think that's why Fuji chose not enumerate all of them."
"But I want to know why!" The younger Fuji was still adamant. "I want to understand why Aniki needs to risk getting hurt just for some cold-hearted person who doesn't realize how privileged he is!"
Kikumaru turned his gaze towards the fuming Yuuta and smiled. "It's like me asking why Fuji still loves you so much despite the fact that you hate him."
Yuuta's eyes widened, breathing stopping, heart skipping a beat.
"See? It's unexplainable." Kikumaru stretched his hands and got up, preparing to leave. "Both love and Fuji are like that."
Yuuta sighed. "I will never understand Aniki."
"That's why Fuji called it a 'chicken-and-egg-issue', Yuuta-kun," said before leaving the younger Fuji alone to stare at the stars.
Maybe he'll never understand his brother, Yuuta thought. Maybe he'll never understand why Syusuke loved him and why Syusuke loved Tezuka. Maybe but he thought that perhaps understanding why Fuji Syusuke loved the stoic captain wasn't the key to understanding his brother.
Perhaps it was in accepting that he need not care about being dubbed as 'Fuji Syusuke's little brother'. Perhaps it was in acknowledging the fact that no matter who he was, his Aniki would always love him.
Ah love, he thought. That was one more thing that he did not understand.
"Yuuta-kun? What are you doing there?"
Sitting up, he saw his team's manager – a curious look on his face.
"Mizuki-san…" Yuuta smiled. "Was just gazing at the stars."
Mizuki returned the smile. "Can I join you?"
"Sure."
Yes. He will never understand neither his Aniki nor love because Syusuke was right.
It was a chicken and egg issue really.
Owari
2:27p
29Jul04
2144 words