Author's Notes This is a story I'm very excited about. Asuka is my favorite charater in any story
and has a deep backstory. This is my attempt to write that story. To see the version with graphics,
please visit my website (see profile). I appreciate feedback. Thank you.
So, this is what it feels like to fail. Asuka gritted her teeth as the elevator took its long descent. Gears
twisted against each other, the metal emitting a clanking sound that reverberated throughout the
enclosed room. Rei stood at the door, quietly anticipating her final destination. Asuka was less than
thrilled to be sharing a ride with Rei, but at least she wouldn't have to acknowledge her. She could be
alone with her thoughts. That stupid Shinji. He doesn't even care! He beat that last Angel like it was
nothing! While I, the great Asuka Langley Soryu, got completely decimated! Now my synch rate is
dropping, and it's all his fault. Not that he would even care.
"If you don't open your mind to her, your EVA will not move." Rei's serene voice broke the angry
silence.
"You're saying this is my fault? I'm blocking myself?" Asuka could not believe the audacity of her
words.
"Yes. EVA has its own mind."
"It's just a big toy." One I should be able to control. No. One I can control.
"Then you don't know?"
"Hah," Asuka was hit with realization. "Now I know something's up when Wonder Girl starts talking to
me." That bitch. She's just rubbing it in my face. Her and Shinji. She's just jealous. "What's up? Are
you happy that I'm having trouble with my EVA now? Well, don't worry because when the next Angel
comes our invincible Shinji will ride out and destroy it! We little girls won't have to fight anymore. They
only need that pathetic Shinji!" Asuka paused to breathe, her face reddening with every word. "I thought
it was bad when Shinji was nice, but when an emotionless wind up doll like you starts being sympathetic,
I'm doomed!"
Asuka glared daggers into Rei's back. I hate this…this…thing, this doll! She could never be a real person;
she doesn't even know what it means to be human! "I am not a doll," Rei stated with an air of simplicity.
"You are! You do anything you're ordered to, don't you? You'd kill yourself if your commander told you
to, wouldn't you?"
"Of course." There was no delay in the response. No hesitation. Asuka's anger boiled to a head, only to be
released with a slap across Rei's porcelain face. The elevator finally reached its destination, and Asuka
backed out of it.
"Then you are a robot just like I thought! You're an unfeeling, unthinking, emotionless puppet, and I hate
you! I hate you! I hate everyone!" The doors closed and the elevator continued its descent. Asuka stood
still, breathing deeply as tremors shook her body. Calming down as much as she was able to, Asuka pivoted
and hurried to the locker room. She needed to change in preparation for more tests Ritsuko wanted to run on
her.
When Ritsuko's poking and prodding was complete, she stood in front of her precious Evangelion Unit. She
tried coaching the EVA into working with her. "This is stupid." Asuka couldn't believe she was taking advice
from Wonder Girl. She glowered at her EVA one last time before spinning around. A shower would remove the
LCL that was drying in her fiery mane. She was interrupted by a siren and the crackling of an intercom.
"All personnel go to first stage alert. Prepare for aerial assault." Asuka gasped, and stared at her EVA unit. She
couldn't believe another Angel would come so quickly. She wasn't ready. I am ready; I'm always ready! Climbing
into the entry plug, Asuka awaited the arrival of the other pilots as well as her orders.
"Asuka, be ready to back her up in Unit 02!" By her, Misato meant Rei. There was no one else. Even Misato has
lost faith in me.
"Back her up? You want me to back up Unit 00?"
"That's right, take the rear guard position."
"You can't be serious! EVA Unit 02, launch!" Asuka braced herself as her EVA began its familiar, racing ascent to
the surface. She couldn't let Rei be the one to take the glory. It was one thing for Shinji to come out on top,
everyone expected him to, but Rei? There was no way she would let that puppet beat her. "If I fail this time, they
won't let me pilot anymore." Life without piloting; there was a thought Asuka didn't want to chew on. This was her
life, her purpose. Failure could not exist in her vocabulary if she wanted to maintain her very self. "You can do it,
Asuka." She mentally prepared herself for the coming onslaught. "You must."
Impatiently, Asuka sat in her entry plug, hands ready to fire the weapon that would not lock on her target. The Angel
remained in orbit, too far for any tactic she knew of to work. Misato was apparently unable to think of anything other
than the sit and wait Asuka was currently doing. Steeling herself with pure determination, Asuka leaned forward in her
seat, concentrating on the target. She gasped a little as her weapon locked on—a gasp cut short when the Angel
slammed into her with such a force she had never before felt.
She cursed, fighting valiantly to remain in control. Light, pure and unfiltered, surrounded her EVA as the great mecha
fired wildly. Shuddering in a pain that was too deep to be physical, Asuka clenched her head. Unit 02 mirrored her
every move, allowing those at NERV to watch in horror. The enemy probed further still into the depths of Asuka's self.
Time had no meaning for her, made still by an agony that lasted a lifetime. Arael, if the Angel even deserved to be called
by its Earth given name, searched her mind. Calling up memories Asuka had long since forgotten, Arael reminded her of
them, showing her the miserable life she had lived, reminding her why she was worthless.
It ended abruptly. The Angel stopped its quest for knowledge. Asuka knew Rei had been the one to save her. Shinji had
never moved from cryostasis. Only numbly aware of the happenings around her, she found herself guided out of her
entry plug and onto a landing where she was placed in quarantine. She sat, her knees folded to her chest, her head limply
hanging between them. The desire to cry overcame her, and as she sat watching the pavement beneath her, she continued
fighting. And even though it was the last thing she wanted to do, it was the only thing she could do. Tears held back,
hanging on the precipice. Asuka breathed deeply, steadily. And she remembered.