Something took off with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. I was just watching this old movie and this came into my tiny little mind.
Attack Of The 50 Foot Tunt
"So, what exactly is this new breakthrough you've come up with Krieger?" Mallory Archer asked in a tired voice. She was in Krieger's lab with Cyril.
"I've decided to go into the vitamin market!" Krieger showed her a small bottle. "Turns out a lot of vitamins and supplements aren't even tested by the FDA! So why not make money creating drugs to help people?"
"Didn't we technically try this before?" Cyril asked with a sigh. "With the drug cartel?"
"But this time I'm going to use mostly legal drugs!" Krieger said. "And FYI, there was a time that cocaine was used for medicinal purposes in this country."
"So were leeches!" Mallory snapped. "That doesn't mean we should use them every day!"
"And when you say mostly legal…" Cyril asked.
"Mostly because I created several new drug compounds that haven't been investigated yet," Krieger pointed to the bottle then put it on the table. "Like Kriegersin. The new way to help kid's bodies grow healthy and big. I even put them in cute gummy bear candy form. What could go wrong?"
"Couple things," Cyril coughed. "For starters, Krieger you should really think about investing in some childproof caps."
"Cyril these things are for children," Krieger remarked. "Why shouldn't they have easy access to it?"
"Well for one thing…" Cyril pointed behind Krieger.
Krieger turned around and saw Cheryl downing a whole batch of gummy bears from the bottle he just put down. "Damn Krieger! These new groovy bears taste great!"
"They're not groovy bears!" Krieger snapped. "They're just vitamins!"
"And did you test these vitamins?" Cyril asked with a sigh.
"For all we know they could be poisonous!" Mallory snapped. "Carol could die! Hang on…"
"Then in addition to being charged as accomplices to her murder," Cyril glared at her. "We'd lose our only paying client."
"Oh dear God you're right!" Mallory gasped. "Carol spit those things out!"
"No!" Cheryl downed several more gummies. "All gone!"
"Relax Ms. Archer," Krieger waved. "Those gummies are harmless. I gave Ratly one this morning and there's nothing wrong with him."
"Uh…" Cyril then saw something else. "Krieger…"
"What?" Krieger turned around and saw a rat the size of a Great Dane walk by. "Oh…Okay. There's a possible side effect."
"Possible side effect?" Mallory shouted. "Creating the King of the Rats is a possible side effect?"
"Guess it's back to the old chemistry board huh?" Krieger shrugged.
"I do not want to be the exterminator that tangles with that rat," Cyril winced.
"That's the least of our problems!" Mallory snapped. "Krieger are you sure you only gave that thing one vitamin?"
"Yeah of course! Why…" Then they looked at Cheryl who was licking her lips. "O-kaaaaayy. That might be a problem."
"What?" Cheryl asked as she carelessly knocked over the empty pill bottle.
A few hours later…
"Rraaaarrrrrr!" A fifty-foot Cheryl stomped around the neighborhood of the Figgis Agency. She wore a set of large bedsheets around her body fashioned into a huge dress. Her hair was untied and unkempt as she raged through the streets.
In front of the Figgis Agency watching the carnage was Mallory, Krieger, Ray and Cyril. "Krieger, I don't think even the FDA is going to ignore that!" Mallory snapped.
"I don't think the Air Force is going to ignore that!" Cyril groaned. "OR THE INSURANCE AGENTS!"
"We don't have insurance," Ray remarked at the ruins of the Figgis Agency. The entire roof had been torn off and one of the walls was missing. "And even if we did I'm pretty sure they don't cover damages by giant women."
"Oh God!" Cyril wailed. "My business is ruined! The Figgis Agency is completely destroyed!"
"Like nobody saw that coming!" Mallory groaned. "I knew you idiots would destroy this agency."
"You just didn't think it would happen literally," Ray added.
"Eh," Mallory shrugged. "It was a fifty-fifty shot."
"It could have been worse," Krieger said. "Good thing she didn't break a load bearing wall when she escaped."
"She's just breaking everything else," Ray groaned.
SMASH! CRASH!
"Take that stupid bank!" Cheryl laughed as she threw a car into a bank. "VRRRROOM! Another stupid car crashes into a stupid building! HA HA HA HA!"
"There go the property values of this neighborhood," Cyril sighed.
"There goes the whole neighborhood!" Ray snapped.
SMASH! CRASH! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Well I never liked that coffee shop anyway," Mallory admitted with a sigh.
"OOH!" Cheryl saw a giant pair of red sparkling shoes on top of a building. "Shoes!" She ripped the exhibit off of the roof.
"What was that building?" Ray blinked.
"Some new Hollywood Movie museum," Cyril sighed. "This week's theme is the Wizard of Oz."
"Oh yeah!" Cheryl put them on. "That's what I'm talking about! These shoes are made for stompin'!" She then stomped around creating cracks and holes in the street and sidewalk.
"And now Hollywood is being destroyed by the Wizard of Odd," Mallory glared at Krieger.
"Boy you really did it this time Krieger," Ray groaned.
"I can just hear one of Lana's lectures now…" Cyril groaned.
"Oh yeah," Ray agreed. "You know she's gonna bitch about this."
"So, what do we do about this bitch?" Mallory pointed to Cheryl.
"Well unless Krieger had a giant bottle of glue," Ray snapped. "We're sunk."
"Well not anymore," Krieger sighed.
"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl laughed as she stomped around.
"First thing she did when she grew wasn't it?' Cyril sighed.
"Yup," Krieger admitted.
"BEST DAY EVER!" Cheryl cheered as she trashed a billboard of Veronica Deane. "Now if only I had a giant lighter. Or some giant matches."
"And that's how the City of Los Angeles was destroyed forever," Cyril moaned. "Along with my will to live."
"Don't worry," The familiar voice of Agent Hawley was heard. "You won't live much longer."
The gang turned around to find Agents Hawley and Slater glaring at them. They had a huge team of black opts soldiers behind them. "Oh great…" Mallory groaned. "Where the hell is a drink when I need it?"
"You're going to need more than that Ms. Archer," Hawley snapped. "I knew you and your pack of deranged degenerates were going to slip up. I just didn't know how big a slip up it would be. Literally…"
"I wonder how far I can throw this car?" Cheryl remarked as she picked up a small car and threw it. "Whee! Look at it skip across buildings!"
"Dr. Krieger…Anything you want to confess?" Slater snapped.
"Uh…" Krieger looked at the giant Cheryl. "Not really no."
"How did you know Krieger was behind this?" Cyril asked.
"Seriously?" Ray looked at him.
"Even for you that was a dumb question," Mallory glared at Cyril.
"Did you really think people wouldn't notice Tunt-Zilla stomping around LA?" Hawley shouted.
"Well we were kind of hoping the smog would cover it up," Krieger admitted.
"Yeah, I meant to say something about that," Cheryl coughed. "People really shouldn't smoke so much around here."
"You people are in so much trouble," Slater glared at them. "You are never going to see the light of day again!"
"Hey shut up!" Cheryl snapped. "I'm a giant woman and that means I'm like super strong and totally empowered! I can say anything I want and you have to listen to me! Because if you don't I'll squish you. Wow. Now I know what it's like to be Lana."
"And knowing is an incentive to buy some noise cancelling headphones," Mallory groaned.
"Who's a Truck-A-Saurus now?" A giant Pam wearing a similar giant sheet top and loincloth walked over. "This gal!"
"PAM?" The guys and Mallory shouted.
"What?" Pam snapped.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Slater shouted.
"Just when you thought they couldn't make things worse," Hawley groaned. "They do!"
"Pam why the hell did you take those gummies?" Mallory snapped. "Weren't you big enough as it was?"
"You really want to make jokes about my size now?" Pam remarked. She then casually picked up a car and crushed it in her hand like it was made of silly putty.
"I withdraw the question," Mallory groaned.
"Oh this is so awesome!" Cheryl giggled. "It's more fun to rampage with a friend!"
"Well we do pretty much everything together anyway," Pam admitted.
"She's right," Cheryl added. "And now we're both giant monsters like Lana!"
"You know…?" Lana stormed over. She was also fifty-foot-tall and wearing her usual black bra and underwear.
"Oh, for the love of God…" Hawley groaned. "What is this? Giant Woman Day?"
"How much gummy grow candy did you make?" Ray shouted at Krieger.
"Eh…" Krieger winced. "More than I should have obviously."
"No shit," Lana glared at him. "Krieger later on you and I need to have a talk. And by having a talk I mean you listen to me or else I'll turn you into Stretch Armstrong."
"Meep!" Krieger gulped.
"Lana how the hell did you get so big?" Cyril shouted. "I know you didn't eat the gummy candy!"
"No, but AJ did," Lana sighed as she pointed over to where a thirty-foot AJ was happily playing with some statues. AJ was wearing a bedsheet dress and diapers.
"So much for this being safe for children," Ray groaned.
Lana added. "Krieger, you really should consider using childproof caps."
"Then you took the candy so you could take care of AJ?" Mallory was stunned.
"No, I made the mistake of drinking some Krieger Springs water," Lana glared at Krieger.
"Oh yeah I added some of the growth formula to that too," Krieger winced. "My bad."
"AJ!" Lana scolded. "Don't eat that billboard! You don't know where it's been!"
"How come you still have your underwear?" Pam asked.
"These are the super comfort stretch kind," Lana admitted. "Gotta admit it was worth the extra twenty bucks."
"Gotta admit," Pam remarked. "For a knockoff brand those are pretty sweet."
"They're not knockoffs!" Lana snapped.
"How about you ladies knock it off?" Hawley shouted. "You are under arrest!"
"For what?" Pam snapped.
"For destroying half of LA!" Slater snapped.
"Technically that was Mega Tunt over here," Pam pointed.
"And I didn't destroy half of LA!" Cheryl scoffed. "Yet!"
"You are clearly biased against women of size!" Lana snapped.
"Tell him sister!" Pam whooped.
"Nevertheless, you are all under arrest!" Hawley snapped.
The giant women looked at each other. Then laughed. "IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Hawley snapped.
"Yeah it kind of is," Lana scoffed. "And you know? I'm still a bit miffed at you assholes blacklisting us from spy work."
"Me too," Pam glared at them.
"Uh oh…" Krieger gulped. The Figgis Agency wisely moved away from Slater and Hawley.
"I can see where this is going," Cyril sighed.
"YOU WOMEN ARE UNDER ARREST! YOU'RE UNDER…" Hawley began shouting using a megaphone.
Then Cheryl literally put her foot down.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Hawley and Slater screamed.
STOMP!
CRUNNNCH!
SQUISH!
"EWWWW!" Cheryl winced. "I got dead CIA assholes on my shoes."
"Thank you, Carol!" Mallory shouted out.
"I've heard of things getting out of hand but never getting out of feet," Ray quipped.
"I knew it," Cyril sighed.
"Anybody else have something to say?" Lana roared at the battalion of black ops agents.
The agents looked at each other. "Nooooooope!" An agent said.
"Yeah I've seen enough movies to know bullets aren't going to do anything but make them madder so…" Another coughed.
"Oh look," Another made a show of looking at his watch. "It's time for our break."
"Let's go before she breaks us!" The first one shouted. Then they ran away screaming.
"Ewww…" Cheryl had taken her shoe off and was scraping the dead bodies on the side of a building. "And I just got these shoes too."
"Hey that gives me an idea," Pam noticed something. "I wonder if I can use those limos over there as roller skates? Only one way to find out!" She went over to pick them up.
"I'm gonna go look in on Archer," Lana sighed. "Cyril watch AJ for me, will you?"
"Kind of hard not to," Cyril blinked at the large AJ happily playing with real cars. And causing damage with them.
"Just don't let her eat anyone and it will be fine," Lana sighed. "And Mallory, no stupid comments about her weight!"
"Kind of a moot point at this moment," Mallory sighed as Lana walked away.
"Hey guys!" Pam shouted. She had used some rope to tie some crushed limos beneath her feet. "I got a pair of brand new roller skates!" She started to skate off. "I'm doing it!"
"Pam!" Ray shouted. "Watch out for that…"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Pam screamed.
"Hill…" Ray winced.
"Wow look at the sparks coming out from those limos," Krieger remarked.
"That's because they're now running on rims," Cyril sighed.
"WHOAAAAA!" Pam screamed as she slipped and fell.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUMMMMBLE!
The entire city shook with the force of a strong earthquake. Some buildings collapsed. Some light poles fell on cars. A nearby fire hydrant burst. Car alarms rang out everywhere.
"I'm okay!" Pam called out.
"Too bad the same thing can't be said for the city," Cyril groaned. "I think Pam created a new fault line!"
"And that's how the state of California fell into the ocean," Mallory groaned. "That's it! I've had it!" She stormed off.
"Where's she going?" Cyril snapped.
"Probably to a bar," Ray shrugged. "If there are any left."
"Ooh! I could use my size to strike fear into my enemies!" Cheryl grinned. "And squash them into tiny bits!"
"You already did that," Cyril winced as he saw the dead bodies of the CIA agents on the wall.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Lana was heard shouting.
"Oh God," Cyril moaned. "What sort of Hell are we in for now?"
"YOU'VE BEEN FAKING THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME?" Lana shouted.
"Said every man Lana's ever dated about their orgasms," Cheryl snickered.
"Guys don't fake orgasms," Pam walked over to her. Accidentally smashing some cars along the way.
"Oh that's right," Cheryl pouted.
A man on the street looked up underneath Pam and Cheryl. "All I wanna do is see a giant vagina! A giant vagina!" He snickered.
WHACK!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" The man screamed as Pam kicked him across the city into the ocean.
"Pervert!" Pam snapped. "Although…"
"I don't want to know," Cyril groaned.
"LANA! LANA! LANAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Archer was screaming as Lana carried him by the back of his hospital gown over to them.
"Archer! You're awake!" Pam cheered.
"He's been awake for months!" Lana snapped. "He's been faking it this whole time so he could screw his nurse!"
"WHAT?" Pam and Cheryl shouted.
"You asshole!" Pam snapped. "We've all been worried sick about you!"
"I haven't," Cyril admitted.
"Well most of us have been worried sick about you," Pam snapped.
"Ehhhh…" Ray and Krieger shrugged.
"Well some of us have been worried sick about you!" Pam rolled her eyes. "Including your mother!"
"Yeah!" Cheryl snapped. "And if you wanted to screw someone, why not screw me?"
"Been there," Archer admitted. "Done you."
Lana then squeezed him slightly. "OWWWW! LANA! LANA!" Archer winced.
"Get him Lana!" Cyril jumped up and down with glee. "Squeeze him like a pimple!"
"Not helping Cyril!" Archer shouted. "And why are all of you so huge? Even Lana's bigger than usual! OWWW!"
"Seriously," Lana growled. "You really think making fun of my size now is the smart thing to do?"
"When does Archer ever do anything smart?" Cyril said. "Squish him already!"
"Cyril seriously…" Lana groaned as she relaxed the pressure.
"Seriously, what the hell happened here?" Archer asked. "Wait…Krieger?"
"Krieger," Cyril, Ray, Pam, Lana and Cheryl said as one.
"How did you know?" Krieger blinked.
"Pretty freaking obvious," Archer groaned.
"It's also pretty freaking obvious Archer's gonna get squished," Cyril grinned with glee.
"I'm not squishing Archer!" Lana barked. "He is the father of my child."
"I am not changing that diaper!" Archer winced at the size of AJ. "AJ! Don't put that elephant in your mouth! Where did she get an elephant?"
"Probably from the zoo or something," Pam shrugged. "Archer your mother is going to be so pissed at you…"
"Well she doesn't have to find out," Archer gulped.
"WANNA BET?" A giant fifty-foot Mallory stormed over, tying bedsheets into a dress around her body.
"What the hell is this?" Archer shouted. "Every Woman I Know Becomes a Giant Day?"
"Is that a thing?" Krieger blinked. "I didn't see it on my calendar."
"Sterling you're awake!" Mallory fumed. "You were faking it all this time, weren't you?"
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.
"And screwing his nurse!" Lana added.
"Did you kill the nurse?" Cheryl asked.
"Nah I just threw her into the ocean," Lana shrugged. "Let the sharks deal with her."
"Speaking of cold blooded killers…" Cyril looked at the giant Mallory.
"MS. ARCHER WHY THE HELL DID YOU TAKE THOSE CANDIES?" Ray shouted.
"Why do you think?" Mallory finished tying the bedsheets around her body. "I haven't felt this powerful since I was sleeping with the president!"
"Which one?" Krieger asked.
"Ehhh…" Mallory paused. "The None of Your Business One! Besides, now I can finally look down on Trudy Beekman! Literally as well as figuratively."
"Isn't that the best?" Cheryl giggled.
"How could you do this to me?" Lana snapped.
"What? Figuratively or literally?" Archer blinked.
"You know what?" Lana shouted as she handed Archer over to Cheryl. "I don't even care! Cheryl he's all yours! I'm gonna go Queen Kong on Donald Glover."
"You mean Kane Kong?" Pam suggested.
"You know…?" Lana glared.
"MOTHER HELP!" Archer screamed as Cheryl squeezed him with joy. "HELP ME!"
"Help yourself for once!" Mallory snapped. "I know what I'm going to do! I'm going to take over a Hollywood studio! And they are going to make movies that I want!"
"That's not a half bad idea," Lana realized. "Which studio is Donald Glover in again?"
"I'm sure we can find him if we just look around," Mallory waved. "Personally, I am going for Robert Redford. Ooh! Or I can look up Burt Reynolds again! Let's see him try to dump me now!"
"Now it's time for women of power to be in charge!" Lana agreed.
"Yaayyyy!" Pam jumped up and down clapping her hands. The ground shook as she jumped. "It's time for a coup!"
"There is an allegory in this somewhere…" Krieger remarked. "I had something for this…"
"Do you have an antidote?" Ray snapped.
"That would be helpful wouldn't it?" Krieger remarked.
"Should have known…" Ray sighed.
"I'm gonna get myself a James Franco dildo to satisfy my needs!" Pam grinned.
"I don't think they have that kind of pleasure device in your size," Cyril sighed.
"No idiot," Pam snorted. "I mean I'm going to take the actual actor James Franco and put him…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Archer, Cyril, Ray and Krieger shouted.
"In my vagina," Pam went on.
"WE SAID NO!" Archer shouted. "NO MEANS NO!"
"Well now you know how all your dates feel," Lana quipped. "Come on Mallory. Let's go take over Hollywood."
"I'm gonna take over any hot guy I see," Pam grinned. "Hey Cher-Zilla! You coming?"
"Phrasing…" Archer groaned as Cheryl petted him.
"Nah I'm just gonna play with Archer," Cheryl waved. "After causing some more destruction. Ooh! Where's that Weinstein guy's office? I'll wreck that!"
"Have fun!" Lana waved as the women left to cause havoc.
"I know I will once I get my hands on Burt again," Mallory admitted.
"Man, this is a bad year to be a guy in Hollywood," Krieger winced.
"You said it," Ray sighed. "Cyril what are we going to do? Cyril? Cyril?"
"MMRRRFFFHHH!" Cyril's legs kicked wildly as AJ had put the rest of his body into her mouth.
"CYRIL STOP PLAYING WITH AJ AND HELP ME HERE!" Ray shouted.
"FORGET CYRIL!" Archer screamed as Cheryl walked away. "HELP ME!"
"I thought AJ stopped teething?" Krieger blinked.
"AJ! STOP EATING CYRIL!" Archer shouted. "HE'S BAD FOR YOU! WILL GIVE YOU NERD COOTIES! HEY! CAROL! STOP LOOKING UNDER MY HOSPITAL GOWN!"
"Wow," Cheryl giggled. "You look smaller than usual! He he!"
"You know…?" Archer glared at her. Then he heard a sound. "What's that?"
"All right!" Cheryl giggled as several planes headed their way. "I get to fight the Air Force!"
"Hooray," Archer moaned as Cheryl swatted some planes down with one hand.
The planes crashed and started to cause fires all around her. "HA HA HA!" She cackled. "BRING IT ON! BRING IT ON!"
THUNK!
"Oww…" Cheryl grumbled as she felt a pain in her side. She opened her eyes. She found out that she had fallen off the couch in the Figgis Agency. There were scattered groovy gummies and empty bottles of glue around her.
"Damn it!" Cheryl fumed. "I always wake up just before the good parts!"