Lunatics in Action
"This is happiness in the making!" Pyro proclaimed vivaciously. "There has never been anything like it before!"
"And for good reason," Remy said looking at him. "Face it Pyro, it's never going to happen."
"Yes it will!" Pyro insisted passionately. "There's no reason at all why it won't work."
"You're right. There're about six million reasons why it won't work," Remy rolled his eyes.
"You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!" Pyro huffed. "Just wait until I've finished with it. Then you'll really burn up with envy!"
"I'm not the one who will be burning up around here," Remy predicted.
"What is going on?" Piotr asked as he entered the recreation room. Remy and Pyro were seated around the poker table. "What are you two arguing about?"
"Hey Colossus!" Pyro greeted him excitedly. "You're just in time to listen to my latest and greatest idea!"
"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "You are not trying to find a way to trap Sabertooth in the washing machine so you can tie-dye him again, are you?"
"Nope, ever better!" Pyro smiled cheerfully. "You know how there are so many different kinds of water parks in the world? All of them with different types of water rides?"
"Yes," Piotr said carefully.
"Well I'm going to go and make the first fire park in the world!" Pyro began to laugh maniacally. "Packed with all sorts of fun, family-friendly fire rides!"
"Huh?" Piotr blinked.
"Yeah, just picture it!" Pyro continued on excitedly. "Climbing tall fire ladders and speeding down giant fire slides! Skipping among the flames in lovely fire pads! Surfing on top of a blaze made by multiple fire riders! Floating on a raft down a mighty fire river! It'll be great!"
"It'll be insane!" Remy snorted. "Forget it Pyro. No one would ever want to go to such a place. No one except you."
"Yes they will! People from all over will come to seek fun and happiness in my fire park," Pyro declared. "It will be paradise on Earth! The first in a whole new chain of fire parks! And just imagine the unlimited potential for merchandising."
"Yeah, it'll give a whole new meaning to the term 'flaming T-shirt'," Remy quipped.
"Exactly! And I'm gonna start working on the fire park right away! Charge!" Pyro cheered as he ran off.
"Oh dear," Piotr sighed. "Shouldn't we do something about this?"
"Na, let him indulge himself in his little fantasy for a while and get it out of his system," Remy waved. "Better we know about it now than have him work on it behind our backs.
"Good point," Piotr agreed.
"I don't know why he even bothers obsessing over these wild ideas of his," Remy shook his head. "Working on a doomed project yet believing you will succeed while ignoring all obvious signs that it is impossible is one of the saddest and craziest things a human being can do."
"If you say so," Piotr shrugged. "So what are you doing now?"
"I'm working on my latest plan to win over Rogue's heart," Remy smiled.
"Oh no," Piotr groaned.
"Oh yes," Remy grinned. "I've finally found a way to bypass her defenses. I have the key to her heart in my hands and I'm about to pick the lock!"
"Talk about impossible, doomed projects," Piotr sighed. "How do you plan to do that?"
"With these," Remy indicated the mass of papers spread around the table. "Dozens of handwritten and scented love poems guaranteed to reduce even the most on-guard femme to a love-sick pile of goo."
"Okay," Piotr blinked. "I was not expecting that. Wouldn't it be easier to just give her a gift?"
"No, not yet. That's too fast." Remy explained. "When courting a girl like Rogue you have to start out slow. Grab her attention. Get her interested and draw her in. Once she's gotten used to me then I'll start leaving her presents."
"I see," Piotr looked warily at the strange look on Remy's face. "I did not know you were familiar with writing poetry."
"I'm not," Remy gave a somewhat sheepish grin. "Actually, I ended up borrowing a lot of the material from Pyro."
"You what?" Piotr gasped. "You asked Pyro to help you write love poems?"
"Not exactly," Remy shrugged. "I just read his poems and modified parts of them in order to create my own. I have to admit, Pyro does write some pretty intense poetry."
"I do not believe it," Piotr groaned. "How could you use Pyro's poetry as a model for your own love poems? Who does Pyro know and write love poems to in the first place?"
"No one. All of his poems are dedicated to worshiping the wondrous and eternal beauty that is fire," Remy explained. "Substitute Rogue's name for all the flames' references and the poems end up describing her pretty well."
"I sure she would be thrilled if she ever found out about that," Piotr sighed.
"I tell you, once Rogue reads these poems she will end up falling for me for sure," Remy ignored Piotr's remark and packed up his poems into his pockets in anticipation. "Now all I have to do is sneak out of the base and leave them for her without either Mags or the X-Men finding out."
"Here you are!" Magneto stormed into the recreation room with a furious look on his face. "You are in big trouble Gambit!"
"So much for that idea," Piotr said.
"Did you really think you would get away with it?" Magneto stared daggers at Remy. "I told you to bring me every file and sample that research division had on their latest collection of genomes!'
"I did," Remy defended. "And even though I loved that old cartoon about the forest one who was a doctor those samples totally creeped me out. Especially the ones with their big eyes and wide smiles..."
"Not G-gnomes you idiot!" Magneto snapped angrily. "Genomes! Complete sets of coded, highly complex genetic information contained within an organism!"
"Whoops," Remy blinked innocently. "That's a little different than the stuff I brought back with me, huh?"
"No, it's a lot different that the stuff you brought back with you!" Magneto growled. "Instead of specimen vials and tons of related data on my desk I have a pile of disgustingly decorated product brochures and half a dozen ceramic gnomes!"
"Hey, it was a simple mistake," Remy shrugged. "Although I have to admit I did find the instructions you gave me a little strange.
"You are a little strange!" Magneto roared. "And by little I'm referring to your IQ which is smaller than a shrunken termite's shoe size!"
"Well, I can't be bothered to make up for it now," Remy attempted to wave Magneto off. "I have something much more important to work on."
"Oh really?" Magneto glared at him. "And just what sort of 'important' foolishness are you attempting to pull off this time?"
"It is nothing bad," Piotr spoke in Remy's defense. "Remy has just been busy composing some poems for..."
"Our poetry club," Remy finished quickly.
"Your what?" Magneto blinked.
"Our what?" Piotr looked at Remy in surprise.
"Our poetry club. Yeah, that's it," Remy obviously did not want Magneto to know about his indefatigable interest towards Rogue. "Me and Piotr and Pyro have decided to form our own poetry club. To...uh...write about the great mysteries and ponderables of existence."
"We have?" Piotr blinked. Remy subtly kicked him in the shin. "Ouch! I mean, yes we have."
"I don't believe it," Magneto looked stunned.
"And we write about really important topics," Remy continued with his ad hoc improvision. "Deep and meaningful subjects like the inferiority complex margarine has due to its rivalry with butter. U suffering from abandonment issues when it follows after Q. The images that come to mind when one attempts to eat a chainsaw..."
"Enough! I don't want to hear any more!" Magneto covered his ears and turned away. "I don't believe it. Every time I think these lunatics have reached the limits of their self-induced psychosis they somehow manage to go and raise the bar. Even underachieving amoebas have more intelligence and brain power than these insufferable idiots!"
"It is so nice to know you hold us in such high regard," Piotr muttered under his breath.
"Thank goodness Sabertooth hasn't snapped and run out screaming trying to escape this lunatic asylum yet," Magneto continued irritably. "At least there is one person I can count on to remain somewhat dependable and sane around here."
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Sabertooth burst into the room with a bright inflatable inner tube perched upon his head and several more draped around his body. "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"
"WHAT THE DEVIL?" Magneto roared at Sabertooth's appearance. "VICTOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"I am Doughnut Man!" Sabertooth declared waving around a broken wooden hockey stick with a large pillow tied to the end of it. "Here to fight evil with my Mighty Marshmallow Mallet of Mayhem!"
"Your what?" Magneto gaped at Sabertooth in shock.
"Gee, looks like Sabertooth has gotten into catnip again," Remy said casually.
"Did you give it to him?" Piotr asked.
"Maybe," Remy grinned.
"WHAT?" Magneto shouted. "Gambit you are gonna pay for this you...OW!"
"EVIL!" Sabertooth laughed as he bonked Magneto on the head with his pillow mallet.
"I'M NOT EVIL!" Magneto yelled as Sabertooth bonked him on the head again. "OW!"
"Since when?" Remy quipped.
"Silence Gambit!" Magneto hissed. "I'll get back to you once I'm finished dealing with this Bonking Menace you helped create!"
"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" Sabertooth laughed and began skipping around the room while bonking everything in sight. "Foul evildoers! None can stand against mighty Doughnut Man!"
"Hey Doughnut Man. How about some coffee to help keep your strength up?" Remy called out.
"Great idea!" Sabertooth grinned wildly. "I love coffee!"
"NO! NO COFFEEE! NO COFFEE!" Magneto screamed as Sabertooth happily continued to bonk everything that came within his reach. "Oh geeze. I knew I should have saved some tranquilizers instead of using them all on myself during the Flying Antifreeze Episode last week!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro's insane laughter echoed in the distance. "IT WORKS! IT WORKS! WHEEEEEEEEE!"
"Uh oh. That does not sound good," Piotr gulped. "I better go see what Pyro is up to." He quickly left the room.
"Where is the evil? Must fight the evil!" Sabertooth giggled insanely as he skipped about on his bonking spree. "Fight evil with jelly, frosting and lots of giant sugar sprinkles!"
"I am not seeing this. I am not seeing this," Magneto began to twitch as he shut his eyes in desperation. "WHY OH WHY COULDN'T I BE HALLUCINATING INSTEAD OF SEEING THIS?"
"I'm glad I'm seeing this," Remy grinned as Sabertooth bonked Magneto on the head repeatedly. "And with the help of this camera in my hand others will see it too."
"OH MY GOSH!" Piotr was heard shouting in the distance. "PYRO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE...AAAHHHHHHHHH!"
HIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
"What the...AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed as an unstoppable stream of fire flowed into the room and proceeded to incinerate everything in its path.
"YAAAHOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro cheered as he rode on top of the flames. He was seated inside a rapidly burning laundry basket while wearing nothing but his boxers. "BEHOLD THE OPENING TRIAL RUN OF THE GLORIOUS FIRE RIVER RIDE!"
"Yikes!" Remy leapt aside as the surge of fire flowed past him and quickly engulfed the TV. His poems flew out of his pockets and fell like leaves into the flames. "NO NOT THOSE! AAAUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!""
"EVIL!" Sabertooth yelled as he jumped across the river of fire and bonked Magneto on the head once more.
"OW! WHY THE HECK DO YOU KEEPING BONKING ME?" Magneto screamed and furiously pointed at Pyro. "HE'S THE EVIL ONE! BONK HIM! BONK HIM!"
"Right!" Sabertooth prepared to do so, but lost his grip on his mallet and watched it fall into the flames. "MY MALLET!"
"Oh sure! Now you lose the stupid thing!" Magneto snapped.
"I'm coming!" Piotr appeared wielding an enormous fire extinguisher with a nozzle the size of a fire hose. He immediately followed the path of the fire river while frantically extinguishing the flames as he went along.
"La la-la la-la! La la-la la-...aaaggghhhhhh!" Pyro sputtered as Piotr covered him with foam. "HEY MY FLAMES!"
"Come back here!" Piotr shouted as the fire river flowed out of the room. He continued to chase after it. "How does it manage to keep moving like that?"
"My fire river!" Pyro cried at his once burning creation. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"My poems!" Remy fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"My Mighty Marshmallow Mallet of Mayhem!" Sabertooth yelled. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I'm going to be stuck dealing with these lunatics for the rest of my life," Magneto came to a frightening realization. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.