It's been a long time since I got an idea and then had to write it, had the ideas and words come quickly and freely. Originally this was going to be a drabble, but it quickly became a fic. I really like this one. It does bring up events in Return, but it's not completely necessary to know. It would make some things appear clearer though. It takes place before Nighttime Hunger as well. This piece was written for Judamacaby. We had a conversation the night before last and there was something in that conversation that I wanted to show wasn't stupid or silly, and that's where the basic idea for this fic came from.
Late. Again. She wasn't sure what Kyouko was up to, but she wasn't sure she wanted to find out either. For the past week, the younger girl had snuck out in the middle of the night without a word. Come morning, her side of the bed would still be empty, and Mami would head to school, uncertain of when she would return. Kyouko never carried a cell phone, nor did Mami have one, so calling her was out of the question. All she could do was deal with the uncertainty, and ignore the niggling thought that perhaps Kyouko wouldn't return this time.
As she sipped her tea, she found her eyes wondering to the door. She kept playing a game in her mind, willing the door to open the very next time she looked. It would open. It should open. IfIwaitanotherminuteandthenlook… But it didn't. She chided herself for being so childish. She tried to ignore the wisp of fear in her heart. Kyouko'snotleaving.She'snotgoingtoleavemeliketheothers.Sheknowsmyfeelings.Shewouldn't…Kyoukocouldn't…On and on the thoughts pressed forward in her mind, and she tried to ignore them, pushing them away. Logic couldn't overwhelm the soul in matters such as this one.
The last tendrils of sun danced across the floor as she remembered that day at the train station. She had had no hopes that things would turn out like this, or that she would grow so close to Kyouko. She only feared being alone, and missing the one person who had attempted to see through her walls at one time in her life. After these couple of years, could her joy be taken from her? Mami wasn't sure if she had the strength to continue living alone as she had before. The thought of her apartment missing the food stealing, sometimes foul mouthed, blanket-thief seemed too large to fully comprehend.
Her hand shook as she placed the teacup back onto the saucer. Tea did not provide its usual comfort. She fixed her eyes on the setting sun, trying to imagine pleasant things. Happy memories flooded her mind, and she felt herself tearing up. She couldn't let herself cry over this. She willed her mind to stop at once, to keep her eyes from brimming over, but she could not. A few tears slipped down her cheeks as the door suddenly creaked open.
Startled, she jumped and quickly wiped at her face. There would be no way of telling if her face showed the tell-tale signs of crying. She hoped that her nose wasn't a shade of red and that no red marks had yet appeared. She tried to appear as though she'd pleasantly finished a cup of tea and had been enjoying the end to the day. Taking a deep breath, she mentally prepared herself to push aside her fears.
Mami's stomach twisted into knots as she heard the thunk,thunk of Kyouko tossing her boots onto the mat by the door. "I'm home!" she called cheerfully. "I got free donuts too!" There was a rattling of a paper bag and a few seconds of silence before Kyouko tacked on, "And I didn't have to steal or beg either! The baker just handed them over." Mami heard Kyouko's footsteps coming closer and she looked down, trying to hide her face. "I think she—hey you're crying."
Found out. She should have known that Kyouko, now of all times, would have the decent sense of deduction and reading her emotions. She wiped at her face again. Kyouko's remark only made her cry more, and this time she couldn't hope to hide the flow of tears. She covered her face with her hands. A rustling came from nearby as Kyouko placed the bag on the table and settled on the couch beside Mami.
"Why are you crying?"
Kyouko was close to her, but not close enough. She wasn't farther than a hand's length from where Mami sat. She wanted something…closer. She could not put the want into words, but it was what she had desired. Instead, she began to speak, and found her fears tumbling from her mouth. "You've been… leaving for the past week. You go when I'm asleep, and return when I'm in school or later. I don't know where you go. You never tell me. I wish you would…I want to know. It feels like you're trying to scout out a new place for yourself. I wonder if you're going to leave, and that fear tugs at me. I don't want you to go. I don't want to lose you again."
As she spoke, she peeked at Kyouko, who stared back at her in disbelief. She might as well have lit her curls on fire, as it would be the exact look on Kyouko's face in that situation as well. She looked away, unable to meet the ruby orbs any longer. She feared she would only cry harder if she did. She sniffled, and realized how warm her face felt. Embarrassment had crept up on her.
"I… I'm not…" Kyouko had trouble speaking after what she'd just heard. She gestured to the brown paper bag on the table. "Do you want—no." She took a deep breath, hoping it would clear her thoughts. She couldn't afford to say the wrong thing. She couldn't stand the hurt woman she saw before her.
"I thought about it," she said after a moment. "Running away." She could barely ignore the sharp gasp from Mami, but she continued. If she stopped there, Mami might not listen to her. "I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore. I was stuck in a rut, you know? You go off to University, I stay here all day. I fight the demons, but that only gets me so far. After a while it gets old, fast. Every bruise or scrape or cut… damn things sting, but I became numb to them. It was just part of the risk."
Kyouko offered Mami a soft smile, but frowned when she saw the tears flowing silently. This wasn't going exactly as she had thought it would. Not at all. Fuck… HowdoIsayitsoshedoesn'tthinkI'msomelowlifescum?Mami'sbeenthereforme,evenbackwhenIfirstranaway."I chose not to run. I ran before and that only made things worse. I was just running from my problems. If no one got too close to me, they couldn't get hurt either. I wouldn't let someone else die because of me." She focused on the bag, hoping she'd be able to continue without worrying about the emotions flitting across Mami's face. "Heh. It was stupid. I realized that. I just… needed time to see that. You might have been dealing with the biggest idiot around." Kyouko wasn't sure how to continue after that admission.
"So why run?" asked Mami softly. "Why leave every night?" Her voice was barely above a whisper, and threatened to break.
"I couldn't sleep at first. I started taking walks to clear my head. I didn't want to wake you, but I guess I failed. I started seeking out demons after that, just to clear my head. I didn't like thinking about running all of the time. I guess that was my sign." Kyouko leaned back and placed her hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling. "I always ended up thinking of you. You put up with my stupidity and my bullshit. I finally saw that today." She turned her head to the side, surprised to see Mami looking not at her, but her hands. "Mami—"
"I only wanted… the loneliness to go away. That's what it was at first. But then, you came and I wanted more than that. I just didn't know what it was that I really wanted." Mami looked at her palms, fingers bent slightly inward. Her eyes traced the lines on her palm and she continued. "I only wanted someone to fill them."
Kyouko raised an eyebrow. "Them?" She was confused and couldn't think of anything else to say. What did Mami mean by that? She looked down at her own hands, trying to see if see could figure out what Mami meant.
Mami shook her head. "I know that it sounds stupid, but my hands were always empty. There was no one there, just me. The other girls were sweet and kind, my closest friends. But they could not fill them." She smiled sadly, looking at Kyouko and then looked away once more. She clenched her fingers, nails digging into her palms. "I didn't think anyone could, or would. Part of me was fine with that. The other part…" she stopped, unwilling to continue. Shedoesn'tgetit.Icanseeitonherface.Shemustthinkit'sthemostridiculousthingthatI'veeversaid.Idon'tblameher.IguessIfinditridiculousmyself.
Realization began to dawn on Kyouko. At least, she thought it was realization. It was kind of like walking around on a foggy morning and running into a lamppost. She knew the lamppost was there somewhere, but she wasn't sure where it really was. Something like that. She scratched her head. At least, it might make sense, if only to her. "I never thought I'd live in a home again. I was just a street rat after… well you know that story. I didn't want anyone, and they didn't want me. I was fine with that. I didn't need anyone's pity or false intentions." She turned her gaze to Mami, even though Mami still would not meet her eyes. "My belly was never full, but I did as I pleased. Demons only passed the time quicker, and helped me to forget the less pleasant regrets I carried." She reached a hand hesitantly toward Mami's hand, gently placing hers on top.
If she wasn't careful, she'd end up crying again. The warmth of Kyouko's somewhat rough hand on top of hers was comforting. She chanced a glance toward the other, and knew that though Kyouko wasn't completely certain of what Mami wanted, she wanted to try to understand. Mami opened her hand, letting Kyouko's slip inside her own. Her fingers curled around Kyouko's hand and would not let go. "You…" she stopped suddenly, unsure if she could verbalize what she suddenly felt.
"I will, Mami. You aren't alone, and you won't be." I'mstartingtosoundlikesomecheesychickflicknow,butitseemstobeworking.Iwantittoo.Ijustcan'tsayitlikeshecan. She looked down at their joined hands. "I'm not leaving you." She thought about adding on more, but decided against it. To say more would be to go overboard.
Silence settled between the two. Neither seemed to know what to say, but neither of them could break the connection between them either. Darkness was beginning to settle across the landscape, and it was becoming harder to see. Sooner or later, each knew that she would have to speak, would have to move forward, even if it meant turning on a light. But where did they go from there? What was the next move?
Mami moved closer to Kyouko, resting her head on Kyouko's shoulder. Her eyes settled on their hands, and she smiled. Her mind wasn't completely at ease, but her outlook had improved. She trusted Kyouko, and had faith in her words. However, Kyouko didn't know that it was her hand in Mami's that meant more than even the simple promise. Someone would be there to fill her hands, her heart, and her soul. She closed her eyes.
A rustled sound caused her to peek over at Kyouko, who had a partially eaten donut in one hand and her other hand in the paper bag. Guilt crossed her face and she looked at Mami sheepishly.
"Donut?"