1
I sometimes wish I had no memories of my mother. I loved her but I couldn't remember any of her kind smiles and warm hugs. Only her fragile body laying like a dropped doll on the floor. My young brain was at that time unable to understand what had happened. At first I wondered if she was sleeping. Even though it was very strange to sleep in the kitchen. I didn't want her asleep. Not if I was wide awake and bored out of my mind. So I shook her arm again and again, hoping to get one of those yummy snacks and then maybe make her play with me. But Mom just didn't want to open her eyes. Was she angry with me for messing up my dress when I made ice cream out of sand yesterday?
There was still no reaction, so I started to cry and after a short moment, to scream. I wanted my daddy to come and make everything right. He would know what to do. But nobody came. I screamed and screamed until I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open. Clinging to my mom's stomach, I fell asleep.
I woke up to a heart-wrenching cry.
Daddy was back. His face was red and wet with tears. He took me in his arm.
"Oh god, I thought .. you were too .."
He started to sob. In this moment I knew that something very bad must have happened.
After that fateful day dad became more serious and also very pedantic. I was a healthy kid, yet he always made me go to doctors for controls. He also stopped smoking in my presence and banned me from any kind of sweets, which made me furious over and over again. But then Dad gifted me the most beautiful porcelain doll I had ever seen (long red hair, dark eyes, beautiful blue kimono) and my anger was fast forgotten.
Dad had to work, which is why he hired Aiko-san, my nanny and Seito-niisan, my bodyguard. I was glad to have at least someone around even though I had hoped that Dad would have stayed at home with me. Still it bothered me to no end that Seito-niisan preferred to read the paper or some stupid magazine rather than to play with me. But I still loved him dearly because he secretly gave me bonbons.
When I turned six, I started being homeschooled. I had two teachers, who came especially to Sobetsu to teach me. One was Aizawa- san, an old and quiet man to whom I owed my knowledge in geography, history and japanese, and the other one was a young man called Suzuki, who taught me math and science.
My next birthday was celebrated in a new house. It was definitely at least four times as large as my previous home and was a mix of modern and traditional architecture. Apart from me, Dad and Aiko-san, who had our rooms in the center of the building, all of dad's subordinates were either living in the west or east wing. I liked the idea of having so many people around me. Especially Seito-niisan. Later on, his father Inagawa Kakuji-ojisan, a tall and fat man with a wart on his nose, came to live with us after his wife succumbed to an illness.
Inagawa-ojisan was one of Papa's closest confidants and highly respected by all the people in the house.
The other two who also enjoyed my father's trust were Shinoda Jiro and Taoka Jo.
At first I was scared by Shinoda-ojisan's scarred face. It took me some time to get used to his looks but he didn't mind much because it was apparently something he was used to.
Taoka-ojisan was slightly younger than the other three and was also very loud and hotheaded. I often witnessed him screaming at one of the newbies, after they did something Taoka-ojisan was unhappy with.
My uncles and dad had a passion for card games. Most evenings, when I came to the sitting room to wish them good-night, they were playing cards while drinking sake and arguing loudly about boring stuff like changing the interest rate.
Over the next few years, I became more aware of who these people were I was surrounded by.
Even though I was rarely outside the walls, which surrounded the house and its garden, I started to notice the fear in the eyes of shop assistants when dad was paying for my new toys and books. The citizens of Sobetsu usually tried to avoid us and dad also tried to stay with the 'commoners' at arm's length.
Some of dads subordinates had families wherefore they lived in other places, but their children were all either much younger or much older than me. I had no friends. Well, at least I had an cool big brother. Even if he refused to play anything but card and board games. What's more, Seito-niisan occasionally took me to the cinema(he always said that he just didn't want to go alone) to see a scientific fiction movie. He never let me choose a film, that meanie. And afterwards he would buy me hot chocolate and cupcakes in a café nearby. (Because "even if he respected dad very much, he found this ban stupid")
These days were always wonderful and every time I had a lot of fun.. but still.. Still I wished for a friendship like the one of Anne and Diane in "Anne of the Green Gables" or the kids in "The Six Bullerbyn children". I felt bad for these feelings. I was already surrounded by so many people I loved and yet I wasn't fully happy.
At the age of ten, I finally found out, why so many people were scared
of my family. While trying, hopelessly, to climb a tree in the front garden (when Huckleberry Finn did, it sounded so fun!) I overheard that a young man was on his way to my dad. So the curious child I was, (and also very inspired by the adventure books I lately read) I decided to follow him. The guard was busy chatting with Aiko-san (maybe they had an affair?) in front of the main entrance of the house, so I had no problems with sneaking out.
I had no idea where I was going. The only way I knew was the one to the marketplace. In the beginning I felt really cool, like a real adventurer, but the farther I went the more insecure I started to feel. Suddenly I turned into a street like no other. Even in my books I had never read of something like that. The houses were each missing a part of the front wall. In its stead a red grid was attached. I had no idea what purpose these rooms had. Was it to keep animals for sale? But why were there none at this time of the day? It was already one o'clock.
"What's a little lady like you doing here?", I heard a adenoidal voice saying.
I turned around and saw a man with long hair, which was plaited into a fishbone braid. Quickly I looked back to the guy I was following but he was already gone, maybe in one of these buildings. I was near tears. How would I find dad now? And more importantly how would I get back home? Maybe this man could help me..
Before I could utter a word, I heard a very familiar voice.
"What the fuck is going on here!? "
I breathed a sigh of relief. It was the first time that I was pleased to hear Taoka-ojisan's yelling.
"Piss off Maeda, or you'll soon have no hands to do those whores hair with."
"Keep calm, Taoka-san, I'm already gone."
With these words the long haired man walked away. Now Taoka-ojisan turned his attention to me.
"And what are you doing here, brat, standing in front of the whorehouses, dressed like a pedophile's dream come true! Fucking hell, have you lost your mind?!"
He grabbed my arm and pulled me into one of the buildings. I was scared out of my mind. I had never experienced someone being so incredibly angry with me. Taoka-ojisan sometimes hit people, when he was in a bad mood. I hoped he would spare me.
"Do you see all those damn rooms here?", he shouted. "That's were women as well as girls sell their bodies, and if someone else had found you, you know what would have happened?! You would soon be in the their position!"
He tore one of the last doors in the corridor open. Inside was modern looking room, equipped with two leather chouches, an antique looking coffee table and sketches of halfnaked women on the walls. The room had no windows and the only light came from hanging lamp, which was positioned above the table. One of the people sitting on the couch was my dad. He was talking to the young man I followed, who was standing beside the table. I didn't recognize the third man on the other couch.
"Ando-sama, look who I found in front of 'The Red Baroness'!", Taoka-ojisan yelled.
I shamefully lowered my head, so I didn't have to see the expression on my father's face. Someone, most likely dad stood up and walked to me.
"I'm disappointed in you, Haruna."
I looked up. He never used my name without a honorific. Suddenly I felt his flat hand collide with my cheek. Shocked, I just stared at him, silently hoping, he would hug me, say he overreacted and forgave me for my carelessness. But there was no hug or a forgiving word. Only that merciless look.
Then his eyes fell on the young man.
"And you!", my father yelled and hit him so hard in the face that he fell to the ground.
"Who is so stupid that he doesn't even notice a child following him?! Has your brain stopped working from snorting too much fucking cocaine!?"
And then I understood. My father. My dear and kind father was also this ruthless man in front of me.
"Haruna, we will talk later at home," he said softly.
"Y-yes." I stuttered.
"Taoka, bring her back."
"Yes, Ando-sama."
Taoka-ojisan bowed briefly and dragged me out of the room.
When we were back on the streets, Taoka-ojisan started talking again.
"The little one will only leave this place green and blue."
I paled, but did not say a word.
"And you have to know, ojou-chan, that it's partly your fault."
Aiko-san cried and hugged me to death when she saw me. Before I could witness Taoka-ojisan and the guards talk or whatever would come after it, Aiko-san shooed me into the house.
I hardly ate anything for lunch. Surely because of my anxiety. Then I spent the next hours curled up in a blanket, surrounded by my army of stuffed animals. I toyed with the idea to act as if I was asleep. Maybe father wouldn't try to wake me up. But I didn't want to be such a coward.
Suddenly I heard a knock on my door. I thought my heart would burst. But it was only Seito-niisan, stupid me. Dad wouldn't knock in the first place. I clung to his stomach and started to sob. He gently stroked my hair, while listening to everything that happened.
"The boss wouldn't do anything bad to his little princess. Even if you deserve it, you spoiled brat.", he said, but still put a chocolate bar into my hand. He looked at the clock.
"Ando-sama will be home soon. Don't forget to apologize to him. Then he will find it hard to be angry with you, okay?" and he left my room.
At six o'clock I heard footsteps approaching my room. I pressed my favorite doll, Mimi, against my chest and hoped it was just Aiko-san or maybe Seito-niisan again. The door opened slowly and dad entered. He sat down on a chair in front of the bed, watched me for a while and sighed.
"You must know, Haru, that what you did today was very foolish of you. I hope you understand why it was necessary for me to hit you, Haruna."
He paused for a moment.
"You are my daughter, Haruna and since you have me as a father, a yakuza, the oyabun of a group, you are in a very dangerous position. There are enough people who would harm you to get hold of me and feel no remorse afterwards. Do you understand?", he asked.
"Yes.."
"Why did you sneak out in the first place?"
"You never tell me anything.", I mumbled into my doll's hair.
"What?"
I tried to be a bit braver and told him: "You're hiding so much from me, you didn't even tell me, you're a gangster!"
"It's called Yakuza and the specifics of my job aren't meant for a child's ears.", Father said sternly.
"I already know everything anyway! You own all the houses with the whores, yes?"
"I do not want to hear that word coming out of your mouth!"
"How should I call these women then?"
"Prostitutes."
"Prostitutes? What a long word. I liked the shorter one."
My father just groaned and put his face in his hands. I looked at his gray hair and searched for the few black ones. He would be 56 this year. That was quite old, I thought. An uneasy feeling spread in my heart. How long did people even live?
"Otou-san.. I'm sorry."
I got up and walked towards him.
"I'm really very very extremely sorry, but I still want to know more."
When Dad heard that, he looked into my eyes.
"You're too young and a girl."
"But your only heir."
He looked at me sadly.
"I always hoped, that you wouldn't have to see this side of the world."
"But everyone I know is part of it."
Father took my hands and began to speak hesitantly.
"Haruna ..." he began, still unsure of what to say.
"I've done a lot of harm over the years. I've undoubtedly earned the hatred of many people and I'm not particularly proud of my choices in life, but... I don't regret anything I did. Because these decisions have taken me off the streets and made me the head of the Taishuu-kai group. The clothes you wear, all the things in this room, all we have, are ours because I chose this way. If I didn't, I could have never given you this life and may everyone damn me, but I would do it all over again and even much more if it kept us out of poverty. "
I saw in Father's eyes that he meant every word he said. I nodded slightly not knowing what to say. However, he was unsatisfied with my silent answer.
"Haruna, do you understand me? And don't say yes, if you don't mean it."
"Yes I think so.. Seito-niisan once said that with some things it's hard to decide if they are bad or good.." He had told me that after I had found out, that we were holding a man from a rival group hostage.
Father grinned at that.
"Seito-chan has apparently inherited something else apart from his disgusting eating habits from his father. And I thought, he was as thick-headed as that ridiculous woman, who gave birth to him."
"Don't be mean, Otou-san!" I shouted, but without any heat. I was just too happy that the atmosphere lightened.
"Tomorrow, I'll tell you a little more about our group, but now I need to talk to Inagawa."
I nodded.
"Ah yes, I nearly forgot. For what you have done today, you will wash the floor in the dojo tomorrow. Aiko-san will provide you with everything you need."
I made a face as if it was the world's end, which made Father laugh.
"Good night, Haru-chan," he said and kissed my forehead.
"Scrubbing the floor!? Are you serious?!", Seito-niisan exclaimed in surprise. He placed a garden chair next to the dojo door and sat down with a sci-fi magazine in his hand. I looked at him annoyed.
"Did you come to laugh at me?"
"It's probably the first and last time that our Haru-hime will hold a rag in her hands, so I'll enjoy it to the fullest." He just said and opened his magazine.
"But seriously, every time I misbehaved my mom would beat my sorry ass so hard, I couldn't sit for a whole damn week!"
I ignored him. As if that really happened.
"Cleaning wasn't my punishment, but my duty, you know. Not everyone has.."
So annoying! I threw the rag in anger on the floor.
"This is so stupid! I hate it!"
Seito-niisan looked at me with bug eyes and laughed softly.
"Maybe Ando-sama knows how to punish children after all. Cleaning seems like a ideal punishment for a cocky oujo-chan like you!"
I decided to ignore Nii-san and started to work again. If I finished fast, I wouldn't have to listen to him.
My knees were hurting when I finished. I took off the plastic gloves and walked out of the dojo, but let the door open so the floor could dry faster. I wanted to pass without a word to Seito-niisan, so that he knew how dissatisfied I was with him. But he didn't allow it and grabbed my arm.
"Well, how was it being a normal girl, Haru-hime?" He asked with a grin.
I snorted.
"Dreadful."
Seito-niisan started to laugh.
"What would our princess be without her castle and subjects?"
I glared at him and tried to break free of his hold.
"Ah, come on, Haru-chan, stop pouting."
"Only when you stop making fun of me!"
"Ah, do not be like that!"
"I really don't like you right now, Onii-san!" I saw with satisfaction, how all the color from Seito-niisan's face escaped and run to the house.
Since it was Sunday, both father and I had a day off. The weather was wonderful, which is why father decided we would eat lunch in the garden arbor. Just the two of us this time.
He explained how the hierarchy of the Taishuu-kai group looked like. He was at the top, his right hand was Inagawa-ojisan, then immediately after came Shinoda-ojisan and after him Taoka-ojisan. The previous chief had no children, which is why he had appointed my father as his heir. Not only did they lead Sobetsu's red light district, they also lend money. Both of these were related together. The families who could not return the money would often sell their daughter into prostitution. It sounded scary but I tried not to show my feelings on my face.
I knew that what I heared was the heavily censored version, but Father was against letting me know anything more. He promised, however, that when I was fifteen, I could accompany him to work.
Until then, I should focus on my education.
"Now that you've nearly finished elementary school, I'll have to find new teachers for you." I was a little sad that I soon would no longer see my two teachers. We've known each other for four years after all.
"Which subjects will I continue to further my knowledge in?", I asked.
"I'm not sure, I never went to school, so I don't know which possibilities there are. I'll talk to your teachers and ask what they would suggest.", he said thoughtfully.
"If I become the Oyabun later on, shouldn't I learn how to fight?"
At that Father grimaced.
"Oh no, I don't want to see anywhere near a fight! You can have a dozen bodyguards, even more if you want, but you will never hold a sword yourself."
I just nodded. Honestly, it didn't really bother me that dad was so against it. Swords and Kunai never interested me. And I didn't fancy the idea of having to work out everyday for hours. I really preferred to read a book. Father was clearly relieved that I didn't put up a fight.
"May I at least meet a Tayuu?"
"Absolutely not."
That night, a scream woke me up. I got up in panic. I could hear the sounds of a fight outside. What to do? I quickly locked the door with the key. That would not stop a Shinobi, I thought with tears in my eyes. I could only hide and hope for the best. I looked around the room and my eyes fell on the wardrobe. Quickly, I grabbed my stuffed bunny and sat down in the closet. The fear robbed me of all thoughts, which is why I only pressed the stuffed animal to my breast and cried.
I didn't know how much time passed. It could be hours but also only minutes.
Suddenly I heard someone try frantically to open my door. I started to pray. To no particular god. Just to someone who would listen.
"Haruna ?!"
Dad.
"Haruna, open the damn door!
Suddenly, I heard the door being kicked in. I opened the closet door.
"Dad!" I cried and hugged my father. I could feel his still trembling hands on my back
"Everything is alright." he whispered gently.
"W-what happened !?"
"The Sumiyoshi-kai group tried to wipe us out."
"W-what !? Impossible!"
Father did not answer.
"Is everyone all alright?" I asked hesitantly.
"Five dead, Eight injured."
"Who?"
"Aido, Honda, Hoga, Fujino and Watanabe."
I did not know what to say. I knew everyone quite well, especially Honda and Watanbe. And they were just gone. I was filled with sadness, but also relief, because the ones dearest to me were alive. I felt immediately ashamed at this thought.
"And Seito-chan.."
I freaked out.
"What about Nii-san?!"
"He's hurt, but do not worry. It's nothing serious."
"Where ...", I started, but father interrupted me.
"In his room, and no, you will stay here. It's three o'clock in the night."
"But.."
"No but, come, you're sleeping in my room today." I was too tired to continue the discussion, so I followed my dad with my stuffed toy. Seito-niisan had to wait till tomorrow.
Oyabun- family boss
Tayuu- highest ranked courtesan
Sobetsu- town in the land of fire, in which Haruna grows up
Ando Noburo- Harunas dad
Inagawa Seito- Harunas bodyguard and Nii-san
Inagawa Kakuji- Seitos father and Andos right hand man
Shinoda Jiro- the one with the scarred face
Taoka Jo- the loud and aggressive one
Aiko- the nanny/cook/ cleaning lady
English is not my first language, so I would be thankful if you point out any mistakes you happen to find