"Do you ever go down and watch him?" she asks me once, a wistful smile gracing her features, her eyes soft and gentle. I stare at her, this beautiful woman sitting across from me, with her soft brown hair, doe like eyes, and glamorous clothing. She is breathtaking to behold.
Julia Heartilly, my husband's first love. Julia, the woman he dreamed of, murmuring her name in his sleep occasionally in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.
I met her the day she arrived here, five years after me. I'm still unsure of where "here" is – it seems to just be a large meadow to me, but Julia told me once it looks more like the sea to her.
She blinks, and I suddenly remember she had asked me a question.
"Laguna?" I ask slowly.
"Yeah," she responds quietly, turning her gaze to her hands, clasped on her lap tightly. The emotion in her eyes is unreadable, and I find myself feeling a little flushed. She still loves him, I think. She has never stopped.
"I watch him sometimes," she admits quietly.
"Oh," is all I can say, twirling a piece of my hair in my fingertips, trying to fight the feeling growing inside of me.
"I watch Rinoa, too, and Fury, but... I find myself watching Laguna a lot," she continues, and I bite back a comment about how dare she, does she know who she is speaking to?
"Oh," I say again. I can't tell her how Laguna is still occupying my thoughts every moment of whatever this existence is – not a life, but not a death, either – or how I can still imagine the feeling of his hand brushing mine as we walked side by side, the warmth of being held by him in a quiet embrace on a cold evening, the feeling of his lips on mine on a lazy morning as he kissed me awake.
I can't tell her about the life that might have been hers, if Laguna had taken a different path.
"I still love him, you know," she says bluntly, and I simply get up and begin to move away. "I never stopped loving him – a part of me, at least."
"Why are you telling me this?" I say at last, turning around to glare at her.
"Because it's important."
"No, it's not," I say. "We are dead. Laguna is alive. How does this matter?"
"You've never liked me," Julia insisted, standing. "I know that. I just – I want to clear the air between us!"
"And you do that by telling me you still love my husband?" I ask, aghast. "Julia, how is this supposed to clear the air?"
"I – I don't know," she stammers, a bit taken aback. "I just thought -"
"Don't you realize that I'm already tortured enough?" I spit out, years of frustration clawing up from inside of me. "Julia, Laguna loved you – he probably still loves you. I may have married him, but you were the love of his life. And when he dies one day, and sees us both here, don't you realize he'll go straight into your arms? You're beautiful, famous, the love of his life – you're everything I am not. He wants you – he's always wanted you, you've haunted his dreams for years. Even when he married me he dreamed of you – and I know that, I've always known that. You'll be together one day, and I – I'll just have to watch. So don't you dare bring up how much you love him."
I turn back around, leaving before she can even process what I've just said. I don't need to hear her excuses.
#
Julia is gone when I return. I lie down, the grass tickling the back of my neck, the soft wind blowing across me. The quiet is refreshing, I find – I have not been without company for so long.
"Raine," a voice calls out.
Julia.
"Raine, please talk to me."
"We have nothing to talk about," I call out. There is quiet for a few more minutes, before finally, she speaks again.
"Laguna is dying."
My eyes fly open, and I sit up, turning to stare at her in shock. Her eyes are red and puffy, her face flushed. My heart begins to pound in my chest. No – no, he can't be. He can't be dying, he's only 52, he was fine last week when he was playing with Squall's daughter, he was okay, he can't be.
But Julia doesn't look like she's lying, and I just know – she's telling the truth.
"How?" I choke out.
"He was hit by a train," she says, and finally breaks down into sobs. I take one look at her, sobbing, crouched on the ground beside me, still slightly out of breath (she probably ran back here, I realize) and my anger melts away. I pull her towards me and hug her, tears streaming down my own face.
Laguna is dying, and we cannot do anything to comfort him. We can't even bring ourselves to watch because it would just be too painful, too hard.
So we sit there together, crying, holding each other for what feels like forever.
"He's going to go to you," I sob. "He'll take one look at you and go right to you. I – I'm just going to lose him again."
"No," she insists. "Raine, he loves you – he married you. He's in love with you, I promise..."
I shake my head, taking a deep, shuddering breath before another sob racks my body.
"You're the love of his life, Raine," she tells me, again and again, both of us still crying until we finally run out of tears to shed.
#
When I wake up, Julia is already standing, gazing far out at the horizon as if searching.
"He's not here yet," she murmurs to herself.
"Did he survive?" I ask hopefully, and she turns, giving me a sad shake of her head.
"I went to go check on him when you were asleep. He – he didn't make it," she says.
I fall back onto the grass, and close my eyes. Laguna is dead. My husband is gone.
"He'll probably be here soon," I tell her. "It can take a while. Lie down and wait – you know what they say, a watched pot never boils."
I don't open my eyes, but I can hear her lying beside me, her breathing slow and steady. We have both managed to calm down from our frenzy, and now we are both simply filled with the dreadful anticipation of seeing our love once more.
Eternity seems to drag on before I finally hear footsteps. Julia had stood again a while ago, and when I open my eyes, she is standing right in front of Laguna.
He looks just as he did when I first met him – young once more, his eyes with the familiar, playful twinkle, his lips curved up into a smile.
"Julia," he breaths, and I fight back tears as I sit up to look at them. He has stepped forward, and is cupping her cheek with his hand, his eyes flickering all over her as if he cannot believe he is seeing her again.
The sight is too much for me to watch. I get up, not bothering to brush the grass from my clothes as I walk away, unable to fight back the tears any longer.
"Raine," I hear him call. I hesitate, turning slightly. His lips are parted in shock, a myriad of emotions passing through his eyes as he stares at me. I face him full on now, and he begins to walk towards me, before breaking into a run. I find myself running to meet him, tears still blurring my vision as he crashes into me, enfolding me in his arms, running his hand through my hair, almost crushing my against him.
"Raine, Raine, Raine," he murmurs, and I feel myself melting into his embrace, holding him and simply breathing him in.
I begin to pull back slightly but he keeps his grip firm, continuing to run his hand through my hair and still murmuring my name, over and over and over. He moves in to kiss me slowly and tenderly, and the taste of his lips is so familiar, even after so many years apart. Our lips just seem to fit, somehow, like they were molded just for each other. We kiss like young, blissful lovers – not two dead old souls who have known suffering.
When we finally break apart, it is only to catch our breath and just look at each other. His eyes move over me hungrily, taking in every inch of my skin. He brings his hand to my face and begins to trace it softly, his hand barely a ghost on my skin. I bring my own hand up to clasp his, and our lips meet again, softer and lighter than before.
"Laguna," I whisper as our lips part, moving my head into the crook of his neck where it fits comfortably, where I would always rest it when we were still alive, before our world fell apart and we were separated.
"I've missed you," he tells me quietly, and I choke out a mixture of a laugh and a sob because Julia was right, she was so right and I hadn't even realized. Laguna loves me – he's always loved me, and that will never change.
"So have I," I say, smiling through my tears. He winds his hand around my neck and pulls me forward, resting his forehead on mine. I laugh, feeling lighter and more free than I have in a long time, and he joins me, our voices blending and resonating in the large space – field, shore, I didn't even care anymore.
"I love you, Raine," he says, pulling me close again.
"I love you, too, Laguna," I reply. "I wish we hadn't been torn apart like that."
"That doesn't matter anymore," he insists. "We can have forever now. You and me, Raine. Like we should have. And one day, Squall will join us. Well, he might not want to spend his time with us – he still sorta finds me annoying, see. Rinoa likes me lots, but she'll probably want to be with her own family when she comes here one day..."
With Julia. I step away suddenly, guilt flooding me. In the midst of my joy and relief at seeing Laguna again and realizing he loves me, that I completely forgot about the beautiful, eternally young woman.
I look past Laguna's shoulder to see Julia facing away from us, the wind blowing through her hair, her hands clasped behind her back. Laguna looks at me questioningly, before following my gaze and seeing Julia.
"I'll be back in a moment," I promise him, taking his hand and holding it for a moment. He nods, leaning forward to kiss me one more time, and I relax, leaning into his touch before pulling away, walking towards Julia.
When I reach her, I slow my steps, ensuring that she could hear me coming.
"Julia?" I say hesitantly, unsure of how to begin. I know I ought to apologize – I haven't been very kind to her because of my foolish jealousy, after all, and she was right after all. My jealousy had been utterly pointless.
"I'm happy for you," she says, not turning to face me.
"Julia..."
She turns, and the look on her face is not one of anger, or sadness – but joy. Her eyes are gleaming, almost glittering in the warm light, her smile is wide and pearly and so beautiful.
"I mean it, Raine," she says warmly. "I'm happy for you. Both of you. Laguna is your husband, and he loves you. What we had – what we had was special, yes, and we were each others' first loves, but I meant what I said to you. You are the love of his life. I may still love him, but never like you have."
I simply stare at her for a moment, eyes wide. Then without a word, she places her hands on my shoulders and pulls me into an affectionate hug.
"Go. Be with Laguna," she whispers in my ear before pulling away. "I'll go watch over Rinoa and Squall."
"Wait," I beg her. "Don't go yet."
"I'll come back, silly," she laughs. "But you and Laguna deserve some time alone for now. Besides, I enjoy watching our granddaughter."
She turns and leaves quickly, her hair flying behind her as she slowly disappears into the distance of this everlasting meadow.
I can hear footsteps behind me, and soon enough I feel fingertips brush my shoulders, sending a shiver down my spine.
"Raine," Laguna says, his voice as rich and sweet as honey. "She'll be okay."
"I know she will be," I murmur, looking into the distance where Julia disappeared. "She'll be fine – and so will we."
I turn around, and fall right into his embrace, listening to the sound of Laguna's heart. It's steady beat goes on and on, lulling me into a calm, meditative state as he holds me.
We have eternity.