A/N: I don't own anyone or anything, just the way I put the words together. Now relax, have a bon-bon, and enjoy.

Ah, darkness falls in Bikini Bottom. It is now that we may witness some of the most mysterious undersea occurrences of all: the courtship and mating rituals of the Octopus cyanea.

Squilvia stared at her reflection and sighed. "I guess you can't fault someone for wanting to look their best. But we're going to be late for sure." She looked at her watch for what felt like the millionth time. "Better call him again to let him know." Retrieving her shell phone from her purse, she dialed Squidward's number.

"H-"

"Squidward, will you hurry up? I've been standing outside for almost an hour! We're going to miss the performance!" She looked past her reflection and into Squidward's downstairs window. He was nowhere to be seen.

Thrown off by the interruption, Squidward faked a smile to give his response as pleasant a tone as he could manage. "I'll be down... in just a second..." He placed a top hat on his head, grimaced, and swapped it for a black toupee.

"Whatever," sighed Squilvia, hanging up. "He's got one more minute and that's it."

"Hello?... nobody." Squidward went back to frantically trying to style his toupee, but covering his whole head believably was no easy task. "Oh, doesn't she know she can't rush perfection? She's the one who's been trying to grow her white-plumed anemone garden and has barely gotten them to sprout."

Toupee placed just so, Squidward looked himself over in the mirror once more. No, twice. Perfection is ready. And his name is Squidward Tentacles.

In the mirror, he noticed movement outside. Squilvia was heading up the walkway towards the road. "Oh, shrimp!" Squidward held his toupee in place and dashed out the door, planting himself in front of Squilvia. He was met with the same dour expression and crossed arms as before their previous date.

"Oh, so you're coming after all."

Beads of sweat formed on Squidward's forehead. He gestured to his boat, parked across the street. "Shall we?" he asked in a voice that came out shakier than he had hoped.

"Alright." Her expression softened. As he opened the door for her, Squidward realized that he had been holding his breath, and he gasped.

When Squilvia gave him an odd look, he responded glibly, "I just can't believe how breathtaking you look tonight." His slow start seemed to be forgotten. Getting into the driver's seat, he adjusted his mirrors, his gaze lingering on his own image in the rear view mirror.

Squidward was vaguely aware that Squilvia was talking, but he only heard snippets between his inner monologue.

Well done, Squidward.

"...you, but I won't let it ruin..."

You are certainly a refined gentleman.

"...been looking forward to..."

The squid with the silver tongue.

"...such a talented actor. I can't..."

Anyone would be proud to show you off tonight. Especially... His heart stopped. Over his shoulder in the rear view mirror, he noticed a yellow square bounding closer. Over Squilvia's voice, he heard "Squidward! Squidward!"

SpongeBob. No. No. No! No! "NO!"

Squilvia started. "What?"

Squidward stepped on the gas and the boat zipped and zigzagged around several corners to lose the sponge. When a red light finally forced Squidward to screech to a stop, he checked all of his mirrors, as well as the back seat, just in case. He sighed and calmly extended his arm around the back of Squilvia's seat. "Ahhh, this evening is going to be just f-" His breath hitched again upon seeing her. Black hair windblown and tangled up around her nose. Cloche hat blown off, gone to Neptune knows where. Face strained in a mixture of nausea and frustration. "Heh heh," he chuckled nervously, sweeping a strand of hair away from her eyes. "You look... so... fierce! Remember when Lady Orca had this style?" He hummed one of Lady Orca's peppy singles, but trailed off when Squilvia's expression did not change.

But at least SpongeBob was nowhere to be seen.

The rest of the trip to the theatre was uneventful, even though Squilvia spent all of it in stony silence. Squidward tried to think of the right thing to say, but figured it would come to him. It wasn't until they had passed through the glass doors and were standing in line for admission. "So... have you seen '12 Angry Jellyfish' before?"

Squilvia uncrossed her arms. "I've seen the original film and the remake, but this is my first time seeing it on stage."

"How about that? Me too."

"Are you planning on getting out the tickets?"

"Tickets. Yes! I have them... right..." Squidward checked his trouser pockets, the pocket inside his jacket, then fished around in his cummerbund. Irony couldn't possibly be this cruel. Oh wait, yes it could. "I know I put them..."

With a heavy sigh, Squilvia looked at the large "sold out" sign over the ticket counter. "I should have just bought a ticket myself. Maybe I could have gotten a front row seat."

I would have gotten front row tickets if my cheapskate boss paid me a living wage. Sorry for needing to feed myself. He frantically patted himself from his collar to his shoes. As Squidward was checking each of his suction cups one at a time, Squilvia noticed a yellow hand rising from Squidward's breast pocket. Clasped in it were two tickets.

"Umm, Squidward?" she asked, pointing.

"Huh?" He looked down to see the hand. "Gah! That's right, I put the tickets in... my corsage." Squidward pulled the tickets from the hand and spread the fingers to resemble a flower. Although skeptical, Squilvia took comfort when the tickets were accepted. The clerk handed each of them a playbill. "Well, my dear, shall we..." Another yellow hand emerged from between Squidward's legs, holding a mangled fabric object. Squidward screamed and tossed the playbill across the room, where it hit a green striped fish in the face.

Squilvia recoiled, then examined the object. "Is that my hat?"

"Yes... no... umm..." stammered Squidward.

Hesitantly, Squilvia touched the hat. It had clearly been run over and smelled undefinably awful. "Thanks, but you can keep it." She wasn't entirely sure whether she was talking to Squidward or the owner of the hand.

SpongeBob's face popped out of Squidward's cummerbund. "Gee, thanks! This warm fuchsia is just great for me; I'm a spring! You look like a winter. Try sticking to jewel tones."

"SpongeBob! Would you get out of there?"

The sponge complied, withdrawing his arms and wiggling his way out of Squidward's suit, sending a shiver through the octopus's body. "Sorry I took your corsage. Do you want it back?" SpongeBob put the remains of the purple hat on his head and snapped his arm off at the shoulder, offering it to Squidward.

"I'll pass!" Squidward growled through clenched teeth. SpongeBob shrugged his remaining shoulder, then twisted the arm back into place. When SpongeBob looked up again, he spotted Squidward trailing behind Squilvia into the auditorium. SpongeBob scurried after them only to be pushed out of the auditorium by a tentacle. Squidward positioned himself at eye level with SpongeBob and hissed, "Get. Lost."

"Pfff," SpongeBob waved his hand. "I don't have time to get lost, silly. The show's about to start." The sponge held up a playbill of his own.

"You can't be serious."

"It wasn't my idea. It was Patrick's ticket, but he had an emergency today, so he let me have the ticket instead! Isn't that the nicest thing?"

Meanwhile, Patrick was sitting at the doctor's office with a stiff expression on his face. An anchovy nurse approached him. "Sir, it looks like you are in a lot of pain. Can I help you?"

Patrick moved only enough to speak. "I know the pointy things on that clock move. Today is the day I will see it happen."

"Sir, how long have you gone without blinking?"

"I dunno."

The nurse was visibly frustrated. "What do you mean 'I dunno'? You've been staring at a clock!"

"How would that tell me anything? Man, I thought you had to be smart to work in a place like this." As the nurse stomped away, Patrick blinked. "Darn! I missed it." He slouched back into the chair. "I hope SpongeBob is having a better day than I am."

SpongeBob was, and reached for Squidward's arm, but Squidward pulled away. "Don't touch me!" With that, Squidward hurried to find his seat next to Squilvia.

"Alright. See you later!" SpongeBob chirped, waving his hand with wiggly fingers. He looked at his ticket. "Hmm. Now to find seat 21 ZZZ."