Chasm
Neither of them are quite willing to be the first one to cross the line that's practically a gaping chasm between them. Each of them had almost been daring the other one to make the first move but neither had been quite brave enough yet to actually do it, although they'd come close a couple of times. She found it frustrating and exciting in equal measures. One of them would snap eventually and it would happen, besides she was quite enjoying this new game they'd been playing recently.
He'd always been comfortable putting his hands on her but the reverse hadn't been true. At the beginning of the week though she had been upping the ante making sure if she passed him she'd place her hands on him as often as possible. So far she'd managed to touch him on the shoulder when he'd been sitting at the nurses station's PC. She'd left her hand to linger there for a moment too long intentionally to draw his attention to it. She'd enjoyed the shock that had appeared on his face, instantly spotting the change in their dynamic. She'd let her fingers touch his almost every time she'd handed him a patient file. She knows he'd noticed and he seemed openly happy about the change, she had almost expected him to ask her about it, but he hadn't, and she was grateful. She knows if he called her out on it she'd stop, deny it profusely and back off completely. He must have guessed that's what would happen, he knows her well, so he'd remained silent on the matter, probably waging a war against his own curiosity in order to allow her to continue Every time she touches him the chasm feels a little bit smaller. Eventually it might be so small so as to allow her to cross it with ease she muses, perhaps with only a single step.
By Wednesday she was intentionally stepping further into his personal space whenever the opportunity presented itself or they were alone. She'd done it in the scrub room after surgery when they were removing their surgical aprons and washing their hands. He'd gently teased her and she'd stepped sideways into him elbowing him gently in the ribs in retaliation as her hands had been occupied in the sink in front of her. When she had needed him to move out of her way later on the same day to get past him, she'd placed both hands on his sides to gently encourage him to move, but then brushed past him entirely to closely anyway. By the end of the day he was joining her in the game. Touching her on the arm, shoulder or back discretely whenever possible.
Being openly affectionate with anyone (other than her daughter which didn't count really because she was her child and she loved her without boundaries) was a difficult task, it didn't come naturally to her like it obviously did to Fletch and others. Fletch can show affection, compassion and understanding towards pretty much anyone, he regularly does with all of his patients. She had made a conscious decision in regard to Fletch, finally fed up with the status quo, the unending limbo they'd seemed to have taken up residence in for months now had grown tiresome and she knew if things didn't more forward just a touch, one or both of them might just give up and the opportunity would be lost. No one can stay in limbo forever.
These moments had been happening more and more frequently over the last week creating an entirely new type of tension between them. There's always been a small fire burning but now they'd thrown on some oxygen it had turned into a blaze. She can only hope he is feeling it as much as she is. It's as if from the moment it had dawned on her that he actually liked her back, as more than a colleague, the dam had burst open and she was flowing down the river towards the bottom. She wasn't sure what she'd find when she eventually got there but a slight twinge of hopefulness had been washing over her ever since.
She'd met him in the storage room on Thursday morning when she'd gone in looking for a pair of surgical stitch cutters. Fletch was rummaging through a pile of clean linen clearly looking for a compete set of fresh bedding. He had a standard issue hospital duvet cover in one hand.
"I can't find the pillowcases." He tells her not looking up.
He'd known it was her without even glancing her way. He was clearly frustrated that he hadn't found the ever elusive item. He'd obviously been in here for a while too as another storage box was on the floor behind him, it looked messy so she knows he has already searched that one.
"You should have checked your memo's this morning." She tells him.
She wants to laugh but resists the urge. He is still rummaging hopelessly though the storage box where he thinks they should be. He is checking each item carefully and looks visibly disappointed every time he realises the item isn't the one he wants. She knows he isn't going to find them there.
"What?" He queries clearly confused. He finally turns his head in her direction eyeing her almost suspiciously but he almost immediately turns back to the task at hand. He hadn't quite yet made it all the way down to the bottom of the box. Obviously he was still hopeful he might find one.
She waits, eyeing the shelf she spots the box of pillowcases almost immediately. The memo had told her which shelf they'd been moved too.
When he comes up empty finally having reached the bottom he sighs heavily. She laughs not able to contain it any longer. He turns around to her and lifts both hands outwards, the duvet cover he is still holding flops back against his leg, he shrugs his shoulders, the gesture telling her he was giving up. She walks straight towards him but stops just short of making physical contact. He looks surprised. She holds his gaze while she bends slightly to her left and uses her hand to pick up a smaller box one shelf down from where he had been looking and pulls it from the shelf, she doesn't break eye contact while she does it and she hopes she's picked up the right one. It would be pretty embarrassing if she ends up holding a box of sheets. She pulls the small box between them and pops the lid off. A quick glance down tells her she'd managed to pick up the right one.
"Pillowcases." She tells him.
"Huh." He says looking slightly impressed.
He doesn't make any move to take the box from her so she lifts it slightly offering him to take what he needs.
He grabs a pillowcase from the top of the pile. He looks quickly over her shoulder, she assumes he has noticed that the door is closed and that they are completely alone. His eyes move back to hers.
"Was there really a memo?" He asks her. He had obviously assumed her previous statement about the memo was meant in jest.
"Yes. This morning." She answers, still holding his gaze.
She pops the lid back on the box and returns it to the shelf. The move forcing her to break eye contact momentarily as she has to fit it back on the shelf between two other boxes. Pulling it out had been easy. When she stands back up straight she doesn't move away, she returns her eyes to his as soon as she can.
"Oh, I haven't even managed to see my office yet this morning." He tells her, and then adds "Mrs Tyler…." His face taking on an almost dramatic appearance. She raises her hand to stop him, she doesn't need him to say anymore she knows exactly what's happened. Her hand drops back to her side as soon as she knows he isn't going to say anymore.
He smiles at her.
She smiles back.
His hand reaches out and grasps her wrist. He strokes her pulse point softly with his thumb.
"Thanks for your help." He offers by way of an explanation, his tone is super soft and he is looking at her affectionately.
"Mmm." She mumbles. "No problem." She adds quickly as soon as she realises 'Mmm' isn't really an appropriate response. She thinks she said it without thinking more as a response to the hand on her wrist. His thumb is still stroking her pulse point and she wonders if he can feel her heart rate increasing.
His eyes drop to her lips for a fraction of a second before landing firmly back on her eyes. If she'd have blinked at the same moment she would have missed it entirely. She continues to hold his gaze and she's practically willing him to kiss her. Her eyes drop to his mouth of their own accord but she brings them back to his eyes quickly. He doesn't move. She doesn't either. A few beats pass and an awkwardness is starting to fill the room.
She hears voices just outside the door. He'd obviously heard it too because both of them immediately step away. She heads to the back of the room to grab the stitch cutters she needs. Fletch is already heading out the door when she turns back around.
Just this morning Fletch had walked into her office just as she was about to leave and they'd ended up face to face in the doorway. She jumps slightly at the unexpected surprise but says nothing. His eyes lock on to hers and they had ended up smiling stupidly at each other.
She can't help but look forward to their next encounter.
It's Friday lunchtime now and she's standing at the nurses station when Petrenko approaches her and hands her a file, explains that Mrs Tyler is still too sick for surgery and that the anti-sickness medication they'd given her was ineffective. She was still violently throwing up despite their best efforts to stop it. She reviews Mrs Tyler's file and medication list carefully, flicking through each of the pages slowly.
"Keep her isolated for now and for at least for 24-48 hours after she stops being sick. It's likely to be some sort of stomach bug, one she'd caught prior to her admission on Wednesday evening. Hopefully it's nearly run its course. Reschedule her surgery for Tuesday and keep an eye on her over the weekend. Obs every four hours and make sure she's getting plenty of fluid." She tells her.
Mrs Tyler was admitted for a valve replacement but had presented within hours of admission with symptoms of some sort of stomach flu which would no doubt be adding strain to her already weakened valve. She'd gone to see her to discuss her up coming surgery and just as she'd approached her bed Mrs Tyler had projectile vomited uncontrollably all over one of her nurses, her bed linen and the floor. She'd had half a second warning to get out of the way which she'd just about managed otherwise she'd have been covered in sick too. She can only imagine Fletch had suffered a similar fate yesterday morning hence the reason he'd been unable to make it to his office to read his memo's and why he'd been searching for clean bed linen. She chuckles a bit at the thought. Shakes her head to clear the image.
Pentrenko nods.
"I can't help but notice you and Fletch seem…."
"There's really nothing to it." She interrupts her firmly. Petrenko doesn't look like she believes her, her eyebrows are raised almost amused. "We are just friends, nothing more, never will be. There is absolutely nothing romantic between me and Fletch." She adds her tone intentionally harsh hoping to convince her, and besides its not a total lie, there is nothing going on between them yet and she certainly wasn't about to tell Petrenko she hoped there would be. She doesn't want the entire hospital gossiping about her.
She sees a look of panic suddenly grace Petrenko's usually calm features and she knows without looking around that Fletch is somewhere behind her obviously within earshot. She grimaces. Doesn't turn around to look for him. Doesn't want to see his face. She walks off to her office without looking back.
That hopeful feeling she'd been having all week evaporates almost instantly and is replaced with guilt and regret. He'd heard her. All of her previous effort undone because she was worried about a bit of gossip. She curses out loud as soon as she's safety in her office with the door closed.
She doesn't see him again till mid-afternoon. Watches him walk to his office. She wants to talk to him. Wants to explain. She knows had the situation been reversed she would have believed he'd been toying with her emotions all week. She can only imagine that is what he must be thinking now. She's feeling guilty and she hates feeling guilty. The desire to put things right is eating away at her. She knows she's going to have to make some sort of an admission in order to set him straight. She walks to his office determined, opens the door without knocking and finds him standing in the middle of the room.
"I do like you." She tells him an almost shy tone seeping through her voice. He doesn't look surprised by her admission and she's disappointed. He appears unusually guarded. She looks away from him. That had taken a lot for her to say out loud.
"Yeah, I know you like me, we're friends." He answers, emphasis placed on 'friends'. He walks past her towards the door.
"More than a friend." She whispers. She'd had to force the words out. She really wants him to understand. She hears him stop just short of the door so she knows he'd heard it. He doesn't say anything so she continues while turning around "I was just trying to put a stop to any gossip."
"Okay." He nods, still facing away from her, he walks away, she's now alone in his office.
,
She feels terrible. She think she's totally blown it. Their new dynamic was delicate. She'd finally managed to figure out he actually liked her but she was certain he wasn't as aware of her feelings. She knows she overly guards her emotions and his hesitation to act is most likely due to some uncertainty about her reaction. She'd been trying to show him all week that she'd respond positively if he did want to make a move on her. It hadn't been much but she was trying at least. Now she'd outright told him she likes him and he'd walked away. She feels slightly embarrassed.
She hides in her office for the rest of her shift. It gives her the opportunity to make her way through the mountain of paperwork that had accumulated on her desk since this morning though.
She only ventures out of her office when she is certain everyone on the day shift had already gone home. The ward is dark, she spots Rochelle outside the locker room and heads towards her.
"Would you mind keeping an eye on Mrs Tyler?" She asks her.
"Sure. I've already been in to check on her twice since my shift started. She seems to be finally getting some rest so hopefully she is over the worst of it." She smiles warmly at her.
"Great. Thank you." She replies. Smiles a bit but it feels forced. She's not really in the best of moods, she is pleased Mrs Tyler is on the mend though, and is hopeful her surgery will be able to go ahead as planned on Tuesday.
She leaves the hospital and heads home for the weekend, relieves the nanny quickly, all she wants to do is go to bed. Emma is already asleep, had been for hours. She checks in on her before heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth.
The next morning she wakes up to the sound of cartoons, knows Emma is awake and had headed downstairs to amuse herself. She smiles. Glances at the clock it's nearly 7am. Yesterday's events flood her thoughts and she groans into her pillow. It dawns on her that she hadn't even apologised to him. She'd been so determined to set him straight that a simple apology had been completely forgotten. She rolls over, grabs her phone off the side table and taps out a message.
'I'm really sorry'.
It doesn't seem like enough and she hesitates to send it. She adds an X to the end hoping he'll pick up on the gesture. She sends it before she has a chance to change her mind. She knows this is the last attempt she's going to make, if he doesn't reply she'll give him all the space he wants. She's not really sure exactly what she is apologising for though. She doesn't know if she's apologising for what she'd said, the way she'd said it or because he'd heard it. Maybe all three. That or she's apologising because what she'd said simply wasn't true, being completely honest with herself, there was definitely something romantic between them, had been for a while. Her total denial of it almost seemed insulting. No doubt he had taken it as such.
She rolls out of bed and heads downstairs to join her daughter. Looking forward to spending some quality time with her. She has to drop her over to Jonny's by 2pm but that gives her plenty of time to do a fun activity with her. She decides to take her to her favourite indoor soft play park. Emma loves it and she always enjoys watching her having a good time. She even sometimes ends up in the ball pit with her.
When they'd finished at the soft play, they'd had lunch out at nice little out the way café. One which has a counter full of homemade cakes. She hadn't been able to resist when Emma had asked if she could have an overly colourful cupcake, decorated with far to much icing, so they'd shared one when they'd finished eating their lunch.
She drops Emma to Jonny's then heads for the supermarket. She checks her phone once she is safely parked in a spot as close to the entrance as she could find. No messages. She heads inside. By the time she gets home it's almost time for dinner.
She cooks, eats and decides a night on the sofa with a bottle of wine is definitely in order. She showers, puts on her favourite pyjamas, turns on the TV and grabs a blanket ready to get settled in. She's just pouring herself a glass of wine when her phone beeps.
It's Fletch. She sighs finally relieved.
'Come outside.' She scrunches up her face as she reads the message. She can only assume he must be outside her house. She suddenly feels completely unprepared.
She opens the door and there he is right in front of her. She's glad to see him. Can't stop the smile of relief that floods her face.
"Didn't want to ring the bell in case Emma was asleep." He tells her by way of an opening.
"Ah….She's with Jonny." She tells him.
There's a moment of silence but it's not awkward. She's just glad to see him and he is clearly distracted by her unusually cheerful pyjamas.
"So, you like me as more than a friend then?" He finally asks her clearly enjoying her sudden discomfort at the question. It's as if he has only just realised what she'd told him yesterday in his office.
She rolls her eyes. He is waiting for an answer though.
"So, you like me." She challenges him with an absolutely childish response. It comes out slightly more like a question though so she raises her eyebrows daring him to deny it. She knows it's pathetic but wants to distract the conversation away from herself and she hadn't had time to think, it had just slipped out.
"Yeah." He agrees with her. He smiles, tilts his head at her slightly, the admission seems so easy for him. He is much better at this than she is.
She sighs, finally relents.
"You know I do." She whispers. Answering his earlier question.
"More than a friend?" He questions her. Moves towards her a step. Clearly still enjoying himself at her expense. She can see his eyes smiling at her. Knows he is playing with her. She figures she deserves it a bit so she relents for the second time.
"Yes." She tells him honestly taking a step towards him.
"Now that's out the way, I'll see you Monday." He turns around and takes a couple of steps away from her.
Her heart drops.
He turns back suddenly eyes her carefully, can obviously see the shock and disappointment on her face. He is still smiling though, still playing.
"Just kidding." He laughs, walks straight back towards her and his lips find hers before she'd even managed to think of something witty to say.
She kisses him back instantly. Wraps her arms around him. One of her hands move to the side of his face to graze the stubble there.
The chasm was gone.