Right, this gets good! Bear with it the beginning sucks!
A Darth David and NX production...
Yob Patrol
Episode 1 ~ Rocks In Space / A New Ned
NX slipped across the rooftops, silently stalking his prey.
Their prey, the target.
He tugged a modified stealth Pokedex, one that would whisper its information in a particularly intelligent voice, from his pocket into his hand.
"Processing…Cross checking ned database…done. Short range ned. Designed to manage distances such as from the bike shed to the classroom to the head masters office. Notice its deliberate stupor, designed to give the appearance of a drunk; this unit is clearly meant for diplomatic first contact scenarios with rival ned factions. Notice also its elbows are permanently bent, and its fists clenched, as if pushing a shopping trolley, and the look in its bulging eyes, not unlike the look you might expect from a kitten experimenting with narcotics"
NX adjusted his position on the roof with a dramatic forward roll, just in case the ned should look up.
Of course, little did he know…
*creepy music*
…neds have no necks.
"This posture shows a ned who has watched a football match while sitting on a seat, hence the arms bent and the eyes wide. He is counting up the goals. It is not uncommon for this unit to suddenly scream, four seasons after the game, in the middle of the street 'YES! ONE-NIL! ONE-NIL!', when in fact it was 2 nil and he is being asked to comment on the last round of the Masters…"
Now is the time.
NX shut the pokedex, somersaulted, back flipped, flipped back, and landed in front of the door that the ned had just opened.
Too easy he thought.
In a second his radar senses had totally mapped the inner workings of this complex, and he quickly identified his quarry as 'that ned in the corner'.
"REPORT!"
His walkie-talkie beeped. No need to worry about being overheard, not here. Yob Patrol had surmised that unless it had the f-word in it, the sentence was out with the standard Ned sense of hearing. If it had six or more letters, the ned collective mind would deem it unworthy of processing and discard it from its memory banks. In addition, if they used words like 'report' and 'behave' or 'Can I please…' then the entire sentence would escape Ned sensors.
"Target Acquired"
NX winced from his vantage point.
This was it, the base. The base!
There was a large cluster of neds, more than he'd ever seen polluting the same air, he counted the tendrils of smoke from the sticks in their mouths…thirty…forty…fifty neds!
NX bit his lip, he was missing out on information.
Ned vocal cords were not like yob vocal cords.
Their smoking habits broke them down to vibrating at a frequency of seven Hertz. This was used for disrupting the laws of physics so the larger units could actually walk.
But that wasn't all, it was a weapon as well.
At 7 Hertz a yobs body releases a fluid not unlike sweat, but internal. This slips into the stomach and tightens it to such an extent that, should you stay within a metre, or even a hundred centimeters of a ned, you will become physically sick within a set time, that varied depending on the person.
Basically, this meant that neds communicated to their own kind using smoke from their cigarettes, and coughs. NX attached some headphones to his Pokedex, as it translated the conversation for him.
Only a few neds possessed the ability to speak, but even that was in code, and yob intelligence had not yet deciphered the subtle genders or tenses behind the most common phrases such as "ye're a dobber by the way"
He quickly deciphered the cluster, found the queen.
She looked fifty standard yob years.
That was 15 ned years, he did the arithmetic factoring in skin disease, total withdrawal from sunlight and radiation emitted from bleached hair.
She hailed the one he followed.
"Unit 10101, it is five past two, why are you late?"
"For the benefits of this story"
The queen ned mulled over this information.
Her eyes batted, the pokedex translated this as: 'Loading…please wait'
The target replied with a question:
"There are no clocks in the room. How did you know the time?"
Dom Jolly from Trigger Happy TV appeared, blew a trumpet, and a hundred more neds in priestly gowns bowed down to the queen ned, and the core cluster followed suit, waiting for a revelation of ned wisdom, their gospel, to manifest itself in this room.
"I have a watch"
There was a loud gasp that fell across the room. NX had digested six polo mints before he came in, that gave him 24 hour resilience to the 7 Hertz weapon.
Should he be caught, imprisoned. It would take more than that to save him, he knew, but he was glad of the mild security, the thin armor.
The watch beeped.
"There is someone in this room!"
As there were about 150 people in the room, this statement was quite profound.
"A…YOB!"
The word 'yob' pulled everyone to their feet, and within seconds NX knew he was caught.
The rope and the handcuffs were a dead give away.
"You will do our bidding now!" The queen ned said, and suddenly NX's world went black…
…then light restored itself as Darth remembered he had some more to write. A hundred clambering noises filled the room and NX was totally surrounded by little neds. Soldiers of the ned collective. These were a faction of the group known only as 'first years'. They were so small, that the biggest part of them is their school bags. They run around the playground madly with absolutely no sense of direction and a purpose to burn as much energy as possible (this is actually a ned tradition; they get the younger neds to test various kinds of trainers for durability) and all you can see is the little bags whizzing around in circles, with no apparent reasoning. NX knew that from these, there was no escape. Kill one, and another takes its place. Kill two, and another takes its place. Kill 100 and you get enough tokens for a coffee machine. And NX didn't like coffee.
"I surrender! What exactly is your bidding?"
"You will put the ned patrol online!"
1 HOUR LATER
"What's this?" cried one of his guards
"That's a zip drive"
"What do you do with a zit dry?"
For sixty minutes he'd had to endure these constant questions.
"You bring it up in conversation with girls so they'll go out with you"
He stared at the screen, trying to work out exactly what was wrong with the HTML code he'd input.
"What's this?"
NX didn't even look round to see.
"A thing"
"What do you do wif it?"
"Stick it up your nose"
A quick inventory revealed it to be a modem cable. Now, NX did turn round.
"I don't believe it. You're snorting the Internet"
This trend begins to catch on, and before you know it all the little commando neds are popping plastic in their nose. One ned experiments with a live wire, another with a straw leading to a Ribena Toothkind, another still experiments with a chicken, however that has absolutely nothing to do with the sticking-things-up-your-nose bit…and if we continued this sentence Atma would get too excited and try it himself. (Darth would like to point out it was NX that thought of that…
At that point, using the same device seen in one of the earlier parts of Grenades Are For Throwing. Not Eating, which involved a frisby, a copy of the beano…anyway, social services majestically strode into the…room. They walked straight past all the neds with their legs in the air and their IT hardware up their nose, and straight to NX, who was ONLY SITTING THERE DOING NOTHING! FOR GOODNESS SAKE! AND WHAT DID THEY SAY????
"You are under arrest for…kfamfa;fjamivua young people and jfalkfj;fj;a;kdjfeo and developing a new drug trend"
NX quickly double clicked a pen. This would have sent a message to his Yob Patrol friends to bust him out of jail, however, Bennet forgot to install this feature, focusing only on the pens ability to write in ink and make a more annoying noise than NX cracking his knuckles (Or Bairdy going 'look at me I can crack my spine' then being admitted to accident and emergency, having had to be lowered from the window of the exam room) so instead he wrote a very quick email using David's touch typing abilities which he had borrowed. Somehow. Attached was his master breeding plan, along with a warning that you could not breed child pokemon with their parents. The fact he'd actually tried this is sickening.
So NX is in jail! This looks like a job for Yob Patrol, who you haven't actually met yet, and probably don't even have a clue what ned patrol is all about. It's a bit much to hope for us to explain any of this next part, though we will certainly try. To get a cameo Quantum Leap.
TO BE CONTINUED!