Reject False Icons, a star wars fanfic

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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, or any other copyrighted stuff I mention. (Shall apply to all later chapters as well)

Title: Reject False Icons

Rating: T

Synopsis: Youth lead rebellions, it's a common fact. So when Darth Vader comes in last place in a Teen Galactic popularity poll, The Empire devises a plan to solve this problem. Their solution? Celebrity Power Couple. Of course, faking a romance with a drug addicted Pop-Star will become the least of Vader's problems.

NOTE: This is NOT a Vader x OC fic... oMg! True Love he is no longer evil. Ewh. Or an AU. It's just Darth Vader pretending to date an OC...not sure where that falls on the lame Fanfic cliche scale. Inform me when you find out.

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Chapter One: I Need Some Fine Wine and You, You Need to Be Nicer

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Running a finger through a tuft of his magenta hair, Perez Lavandeira could feel his body trembling in the leather chair he'd been instructed to sit in. Slipping his hand into his jacket pocket, Perez reached for his communicator, only to remember a Storm Trooper had confiscated it.

For a moment, he found himself overcome by a sense of derealization. Perez couldn't remember how long he'd been detained. The only thing he knew was that he hadn't updated his Holo-Blog. He was also positive that his Galactic-ly famous blog entries had something to do with his arrest.

Perez heard the automatic door whoosh open. A group of Strom Troopers marched in, which he found unsurprising. It was the individuals who trailed behind them that made his belly-flop. They were all members of the Emperor's cabinet, with the last person being the Emperor's personal confidant and military leader, Darth Vader.

"Err…I never knew seditious libel was this, um, dire." Perez received a round of icy glares, and he further slouched himself down in the seat.

One of the cabinet members cleared his throat.

"Perez Lavandeira, I am the Secretary of Communications, and I have summoned you to Coruscant by request of the Emperor. The Empire requires your services."

Raising a wry eyebrow, Perez remained composed; however, he quickly broke into fit of hysterical laughter.

"Let me get this straight, I've been abducted by my elected officials because they're in need of my expert blogging skills? Is this some-sort of elaborate hoax?"

There was no response, and Perez could tell the men were losing their patience.

"Assuming your interruption is over, I shall continue. You see, Mr. Lavandeira, a recent post on your blog has caused the Empire much distress. The title of the post was "Teen Galactic Popularity Poll". Your blog readers, an estimated 4 quadrillion adolescents, voted for the Galaxy's most popular public figure. The results were concerning, to say the least. Various Rebel Alliance leaders ranked quite high, while only one Empire affiliated individual ranked at all. Darth Vader ranked in 200th place…out of 200."

Perez realized what they were asking of him. The Empire needed some public relations. However, he got the feeling wasting tax-dollars by kidnapping the Galaxy's most beloved holo-net figure was not the correct way to achieve such a goal.

"Um, doesn't the government have some more important issue to deal with, like peace in the Middle-eastern sector?"

The Secretary of Communications narrowed his eyes. "Right now the senate is embroiled in a long filibuster concerning genetically modified agriculture; so to answer your question, this is currently the most urgent issue on our agenda."

Perez kicked his sneaker-clad feet up onto the mahogany boardroom table.

"So then, let's get this thing started. What do you want me to do? Rig the poll? Sabotage the Top Ten rankers? I have no shame. The bigger the scandal, the better."

Across the table, the Emperor's cabinet members seemed to be pleased with Perez's enthusiasm. "Actually, we were thinking of something more…wide scale. We'd like you to make Darth Vader popular among the general public. Fame comparable to a sports hero, or a holo-film star. "

"So, you want an expert's opinion? Hm…" Perez spun his chair around as he brainstormed.

"Well, there are a few options; however their results may be tentative. Has Darth Vader ever considered staring in a reality holo-vision show, releasing a rap album, or making a sex tape?"

The room turned silent as everyone gazed at Darth Vader. There was a pregnant pause as he contemplated the options."You never specified the genre of the reality show."A mechanical voice stated.

"Well, there's been a shortage of d-list celebrities moving into houses and driving each other insane reality-shows, on the other hand, celebrity dating shows tend to get higher ratings. Wait, that's it!" Perez's eyes widened as he came to a violent epiphany. "Three words. Celebrity Power Couple. They're rigged all the time. Just look at Divine Lord Xenu and what's her face. She wasn't even famous until he chose her womb to be the carrier of the next superior leader."

The cabinet member nodded among themselves as they discussed Perez's suggestion in a hushed tone. Adjacent to the General of Communications, Darth Vader sat stoically, obviously uninterested in their deliberation.

A data pad clanked on the table and the room slowly faded to silence. They had come to an agreement.

"Lavanderia, your plan, its genius. We'll need the Emperor's approval, of course, however, I am positive he will approve. Isn't that right, Darth Vader?"

The question hung in the air for a moment, but Darth Vader eventually responded, somewhat hesitantly. "Yes, I'm almost certain."

"So," Perez asked, an eyebrow raised in Darth Vader's direction, "What celebrity should we pair you up with?"

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Flashbulbs swirled in the distance as a petite young woman navigated her way through utter chaos. Her trademark peroxide-platinum locks were tied back in a ponytail, while her signature violet eyes were hidden beneath a pair of oversized aviator sunglasses.

"Novalee, Miss Hazlewood, do you plan on staying sober?"

Flashing the paparazzo a sly smirk, Novalee reached for his lense and smashed the camera onto the hovercraft-parking lot asphalt.

Novalee watched as her assistant's eyes widened with horror. The paparazzi swarm flickered more, eager to exploit the recovering Pop Star's fragile psyche.

Ever since she completed rehab, Novalee was growing increasingly more annoyed at the press, who seemed to be critiquing her every move. Novalee felt she was better off pre-rehab, back when she was too strung out to even notice to color of her own shoes. Those were the days, she thought cynically.

It was already three months post-rehab, and Novalee had already finished working on her new album. The lead single, Dark Side of My Heart, was already dominating the airwaves. Novalee thought it was contrived misogynistic pop-tripe, but when interviewed, she claimed it was a semi-autobiographical song about a cheating ex lover. The video was going to be filmed over the upcoming weekend, in one on the many Casino/Resorts that littered the Arcadian coastline.

Arcadia was a small, indiscriminate planet in the western sector of the Galaxy. Though it possessed very little political influence, it was well known across the Galaxy for being the headquarters of 'Slam', the only diet soda that does not explode in the vacuum of space. A noted urban legend floating around the holo-net claims consuming Slam will destroy one's connection to the 'Force'. Though no legitimate study was ever produced, various Sith and Jedi avoid the beverage as a precaution.

Arcadia also serves as the Capital of the 'Thirty Planet Zone,' the Holo-Film production union. Holo-celebrities often settle in Arcadia's sunny, palm tree forested region of Antilla.

Novalee, on the other hand, couldn't stand the trivial planet. She would rather be caught up in the bustling metropolis of Coruscant, partying in one of the many nightclubs that occupied the Republica 500 sector.

Fortunately for Novalee, her label, Empire Records, had its headquarters located in the heart of Republica 500.

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Stepping into the Empire Records building, Novalee cringed at the amount of paparazzi lined outside, eager to take her picture. Though it made Novalee physically ill, her record company reveled in the hype she caused.

Novalee knew what would make the feeling of unease go away. Once she turned a corner, out of the press' eye, Novalee reached into her bag and retrieved a small flask. Taking a quick shot of whiskey, Novalee made sure she was numb enough to not notice the 500 level hover-lift ride. She couldn't stand the small confined space and the cheesy music played through its speaker.

By the time she entered the executive boardroom, her mind was loose. Not that it mattered. Novalee's opinion wasn't even considered when it came to matters of her music or social life. Novalee felt like they owned her soul.

Taking a seat, Novalee wanted to vomit; and it had nothing to do with the amount of liquor she had consumed on the way up. She just couldn't stand the well manicured, black-suited executives that thought they knew what was best for her.

"Ok, CEO…person, now that I've fully recorded my new album, what slave-driving activity do you have for me next?"

Ignoring Novalee's sarcasm, the executive swiveled his stylus on a data pad.

"What was that? Oh, yes. Well, since the album will be out in a few months, it's time you got a new boyfriend…just your typical PR romance. Unfortunately, we were unable to arrange for you to date Hotblack Desiato. Right now he's faking his death for tax related purposes. Don't worry, though, we've got someone equally as…devious."

Novalee let out an agonizing groan and slapped her palm against her forehead.

"What's with you and pairing me up with 'bad boys'? And 'please' don't tell me I've been forced to date Char Aznable; he's 3 times more of a creep than any of you guys…no offence or anything."

"Well, considering your 'wholesome' image, a romance with a less than decent individual creates controversy. That leads to publicity. Publicity increases album sales. Are you seeing a trend here?"

Novalee nodded; eyes gazing off into the distance. She had been spacing out.

"On behalf of Empire Records, I am proud to announce that you are now Darth Vader's girlfriend."

A befuddled look crossed Novalee's pristine face, her glossed lips gaping in confusion.

"I don't have to like, kiss him or anything? As much as I love having publicized romantic trysts with highly powerful men, I haven't made out with plastic since I was twelve, and it was preparation for a boy named Bobby," Novalee replied, with bewilderment.

The music executive flashed an insincere smile. "Oh, no, of course not. We're just asking for you to 'date' the Dark Lord for a few months. By date, we mean showing up to public appearances with him."

Novalee remained skeptical. If Darth Vader was as vicious as he seemed, she'd rather not stand near him, let alone, pretend to share a bed with him.

"Um, who exactly is 'we'?"

The executive nodded. "In this case, 'we' applies to the Empire. This plan is under supervision of the Emperor."

"Doesn't the government have anything better to do? Starving children, fixing Social Security, something? I swear, this is why I never vote."

Ignoring Novalee's rant, the executive tapped his pen impatiently.

"So, do you want to go along with this plan or not? Your label-mate Starla is jealous she wasn't offered this honor. I'm sure she'll be glad to take your place."

Novalee simmered at the mention of Starla, her less talented, yet bigger ego-ed, adversary. Well aware the executives were just pushing her buttons, Novalee sighed with defeat.

"Fine, I'll participate in this misguided conspiracy. However, I seriously think the government needs to reconsider its priorities."

"Terrific. We've scheduled your affair with Darth Vader for this weekend."

"But isn't that when I film the promotional holo for 'Dark Side of my Heart'?"

The executive nodded. "Ah, you see, Vader's going to make a guest appearance in your promo-holo. We announced it this morning. The tabloids print in the middle of the week, so it's guaranteed to make front cover. The gossip holo-blog Perez Fett already made a post about Darth Vader's alleged romance."

Reaching for her coffee, Novalee wished it was spiked with something other than heavy cream. Though she got the feeling she was navigating herself into a black hole, Novalee kept her mouth shut and smiled. She feared being dropped by her record label, who had threatened such action in the past.

'Oh well', Novalee thought.

Ignorance is bliss.

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Novalee's amethyst eyes widened as she sorted through the various junk foods that occupied the hotel room's pantry. Instantly shutting the cabinet door, she found herself fighting the urge to binge on a sugary treat. Realizing that she lacked the self-control to successfully avoid any of the food, Novalee sauntered over to the mini-bar and decided to solve the situation the same way she solved most of her problems – with a shot of strong liquor.

"Are you aware that the holo-shoot is an hour? Becoming inebriated wouldn't be a wise decision."

He appeared out of nowhere. Startled, Novalee dropped the crystal shot-glass, however, instead of shattering into fragments on the marble floor, it levitated onto the counter and was safely nestled on a coaster. Biting her lip, Novalee found herself fighting another urge; i.e. to shout out various obscenities. Gazing up at the Dark Lord, she could already tell her weekend was going to be a long one.

"Look…Sir, my priorities are none of your business. Considering the circumstances, you should be impressed that I'm not passed-out on the floor right now." Though she wasn't entirely sure, Novalee thought Vader twitched beneath his armor.

"I was informed you voluntarily agreed to this task," Vader stated, as Novalee reached into the mini-bar and retrieved a can of diet cola. With the fingernail of her index finger, she snapped opened the lid, and sipped the foam that fizzed to the top.

"Whoever said Pop Stars have a free will? I have a new album coming out next month, this whole 'affair' thing like, guarantees platinum sales. Hell, I bet there's some executive in advertisement right now taking credit for this whole scheme. Yeah, so if anyone asks, I'm pretending to screw you for shits and giggles."

Normally, Vader would've force-chocked anyone who had the nerve to tell him off; however, he considered the girl's anger justifiable. Besides, killing the Galaxy's reigning Pop Princess wasn't going to solve any problems in the long run.

"I bet, right now, you want to take the Death-Star and obliterate the individual that talked you into this."

Though Vader didn't reply to her statement, Novalee gave an understanding nod. Raising a long manicured finger, she pointed to a designer suitcase that sat at the edge of the bed.

"Between you and me, there's enough pharmaceuticals in there to sedate a Wookie, or in our case, have one hell of a weekend. Do you think it's time to start the festivities?"

Just at the thought of her suggestion, Vader let out an abashed flinch. Such substances inhibit one's connection to the force, eventually severing it all-together. If it weren't for those facts, he probably would've become an addict a long time ago.

"Err…I take the awkward silence as a no. Well, that option is still out there, if later…" Novalee trailed off as the Dark Lord reached for the remote-control and flicked on the Holo-vision.

A crackling could be heard in the background, and Novalee watched in awe as a cookie hovered in Darth Vader's direction.

"I guess the dark-side really does have cookies," Novalee stated dryly, as she observed Vader lift his helmet up halfway.

"I'll be darned, you're not a robot." Vader grunted, and Novalee's throat began to tighten. Massaging her jugular, the tension eased, for the time being.

Vader could tell it was going to be a long weekend.

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Mara Jade, one of the more prominent Emperor's hands, impatiently tapped her balenciaga heels as an indecisive storm trooper held up the bodega line picking out lotto tickets. She wasn't in a rush to get anywhere, she just couldn't stand the music blaring from the stereo system at a volume well above the decibels safe for hearing.

'The garbage youth listen to these days,' Mara muttered as she fidgeted with the lemon flavored vitamin water clenched in her right hand. She could feel it slowly getting warmer.

"Um, I think I'll take a Galaxy Powerball as well," the storm trooper said, pointing to a large lottery display.

Tempted to hurl her drink at the storm trooper, Mara took a deep breath and focused on the radio and its obnoxious song.

'Our romance was over right from the start
Your love's been exiled to the dark-side of my heart'

There was a slight pause as the Radio DJ switched to a promotional bumper.

'And that, listeners, was Zee1000's exclusive sneak peak of Novalee Hazlewood's new single, 'Dark Side of my Heart'. Talking about Novalee, rumor has it, she's currently involved with the dark side in more ways than one. Apparently, this morning she checked into the Casino/Resort Tropicana with a certain 'Dark Lord of the Sith'. Sources confirm Darth Vader plans to make an appearance in the music-holo of 'Dark Side of my Heart'. The Force tells me romance is in the air.'

Glass shattered on the bodega floor the second the DJ finished speaking.

"Are you gonna pay for that?" Nodding to the Deli owner, Mara gazed down at the mosaic of bottle pieces scattered across the tile. Despite Mara's vast education, only one vocabulary word could enter her mind.

"Damn."

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Pop Culture References (I like to think Star Wars fans are a bit smarter than other fandoms, so I threw in a bit of fun stuff you can catch)

Perez Lavendaria is a play on Perez Hilton, the blogging King...err...Queen, of Earth.

Novalee Hazlewood is a play on the singer Lee Hazlewood (Some Velvet Morning). On an unrelated note, Novalee is the name of the girl from the book "Where the Heart Is". In the movie, Natalie Portman (Padme') played Novalee. This is a total coincidence.

"Thirty Planet Zone" is a play on the "Thirty Mile Zone" (TMZ) in California. It has to do with the movie production unions and where they can film.

Novalee's ex boyfriends are from 2 totally different (yet space related) series. Dare you guess?

Zee1000 Z100 (Beat of NY...wait, or is that KTU?)

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A/N: I'm not in good health, so I probably won't update very quickly. I also suffer from fanfiction ADD, where I write one fic, and utterly forget about it, and start another. Oh well. And, um, review? They make me feel better? (Wow, that's cheesy)