The Way Back
The lyrics to "The Way Back" from the Jekyll and Hyde soundtrack are obviously not mine. Just as the characters from Buffy are not mine (though I wish they were cuz then I'd be rich).
Buffy stood high atop a cliff. The same hill where Angel once threatened to end his unlife by watching the sunrise. Buffy stood there now, alone and perilously close to the edge.
She looked out over the lights of the sleeping town and sought the peace she desperately craved. She had found peace before, on a very high tower, built by madmen, watching the sunrise as the world ended. That tower was destroyed, so she had come to another high place in search of peace.
So far, no luck.
She didn't know what to do now. She had died. She had been ready to die. And they brought her back. She climbed out of her coffin after three months of death. For what? What was her purpose now?
What was she now? Slayer? Vampire? Demon? Or Something-Yet-To-Be-Named?
Somehow I have to get back
To the place where my journey started,
Find the course I charted,
When I first departed!
She closed her eyes. She just wanted to go back. To wherever she had been before. She dimly recalled a movie theatre. She wanted to walk off this cliff and go back.
One step…and she could go back. She lifted her foot to take that step…
Her foot hovered in empty space…
All of a sudden she flashed to a picture of Dawn, Willow, Tara, Anya, and Xander. All so glad that she was back. All so relieved. They truly believed things would be all right again.
Buffy pulled her foot back. What would happen to them if she died (again)? Dawn had no family. Just an absentee Dad. And Buffy. Dawn needed Buffy. They all needed her. And she was so dreadfully tired of being needed.
Somehow I have to hang on
To the vision that first inspired me,
To the hope that fired me,
When the world admired me!
She stepped away from the ledge. Killing herself wasn't right. She knew that. But it was so very tempting. She couldn't' just end it like that. It wasn't her style.
"I have to find my way back," she whispered. "Back to who I am. Dawn needs me. My friends need me."
She thought back to the last time she had had an identity crisis. Her thoughts cleared when she told a hell demon: "I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And you are?"
That had been a clarity moment. Now things were much murkier.
"I'm the Vampire Slayer. The Slayer. The Chosen One. She-Who-Hangs-Out-A-Lot-In-Cemeteries. A warrior," she kept repeating to herself. "I protect people. It's what I do. It's my job."
I'll find a way back to the higher ground,
And see the view I saw before!
I'll search the world
Until the answer's found -
Turn my despair around
Forevermore!
"I've saved people. I know I have. And if I can save other people, I have to be able to save myself. My friends, they need me. To lead them, care for them, protect them. But I need to find out how to do that again. My mind's a mess. I just want to go back. Back to before mom died."
Somehow I've got to rebuild
All the dreams that the winds have scattered,
From what fate has shattered -
I'll retrieve what mattered!
Buffy closed her eyes in pain and continued to whisper to herself. "I can't bring mom back. I have to bring me back. I have to get through this little crawl-from-my-coffin trauma. Forget the warm place. I can't go back there. It's not an option. Not for a long while."
Buffy stepped further away from the ledge. As if it were a thing of evil. "I have to start over again," she said louder." Figure out who and what I am again. What I'm capable of. My life may be wrapped up in fate and destiny but I still have my sister and friends. I'm not alone. I'm not. I'm not. Not like before. I have the strength. I can do this. I have to do this."
Somehow I've got to go on,
Till the evil has been defeated -
Till my work's completed -
I will not be cheated!
She turned completely away from the ledge to see Spike standing behind her. He had heard every word she had spoken aloud. That didn't bother her. He would never say anything to Dawn or the others. He always kept her secrets. And they usually weren't secrets to him he could always read her like a book. It was unsettling, to say the least.
Buffy looked the vampire straight in the eye. "I can do this. I can live. I worked through my death before. I can do it again. I have to. Everyone's counting on me."
Spike nodded. "Including you."
She nodded in agreement. "Including me." She closed the gap between them and slipped an arm through one of his. They began walking like that. "Because no matter what else I am, I'm still the Slayer. And that's something, right?"
"That's definitely something. You'll find your way back."
Buffy smiled slightly. "Yeah. There's a reason for everything. The others had to bring me back to fulfill some purpose. Whether it's the Powers-That-Be's purpose or God's purpose…I'm not sure. But I think, in their own way, they/he/she/it is trying to help me make the right decision."
Spike frowned slightly. "Why?"
"If I had made the wrong decision and stepped off that cliff, you would have had my arm in an instant. I wouldn't have fallen. You were their back up. If I jumped, you were there to catch me. It was their way of being certain that I wouldn't make the wrong decision."
"Just walkin' by was all."
"Yeah….right."
God, you must help me carry on!
When it seems all hope has gone,
I have got to carry on!