-1A/N: Okay, hardcore Christians please don't be offended by this and even avoid it. See I am sort of a Christian but I felt like writing an Easter special that didn't focus on the teachings of the bible or Giant bunnies hiding eggs. Also this story parodies commercialism(a little bit) of me selling out and writing a story about Waylon Smithers just because everyone is doing it these days. It is my first story not to involve Reverend Lovejoy, which is weird for me although my last one shot didn't involve Frink, but that's just another sign of me selling out.
Easter, a time for commercialism and religion. Two things that never pleased gays, that have never accepted us. Hi, I'm Waylon Smithers, I love to jack off to pictures of Jesus Christ but it's some how wrong. He died for sins of criminals, witch hunters, republicans and Hillary Clinton but not me. Being gay is some how wrong when teenagers having sex is normal. I can't live in secretary anymore….
"Mr Burns I have to tell you something,"
"What is it Smithers?" I love the way he sits on his chair gripping his wine glass so smoothly. His beautiful face might be raped of hairs but his looks remain youthful despite his age.
"I am… a homosexual, and I love you," He slashes his hand across the table, knocking over a chocolate rabbit, and slams his fist on the desk.
"Well I'm sorry Waylon but your fired, no gays!!"
"but sir…"
"But nothing you pile of bear puke," It feels better revealing my secret but it feels terrible that I'm fired. My boss is a homophobe.
"can we still be friends?"
"Of cause not, get the hell out of my office and I'll see you in hell,"
"But sir, this is all I have,"
"you have 3 seconds before I release the hounds," I can't help but force myself to walk away, away from my love and my boss. I walk into the local bar, a place I swore I would never enter. Easter really sucks, I hate those fucking Giant rabbits, those drunk assholes that convert to Christian for one day just to embrace the death of Christ.
"Hi, can I have a scotch?"
"We don't serve that rich folk stuff here,"
"scotch… rich folk stuff?"
"Yeah, beer or nothing,"
"Fine, some beer," I say taking a seat next to the village idiots. Homer Simpson sitting next to me was observing the T.V carefully, the news was on.
"The gay march has however failed, republicans say it is inhuman to have urges for the same sex and what we have left are a very angry bunch of fags," Kent Brockman says, as Homer starts laughing.
"Serves those butt fuckers right, what do you think Smithers?"
"I….I… think that gays deserve rights,"
"You what? Okay get out of my bar," The bartender says as I am forced to leave. On the cold, dark lit streets I see posters of giant Bunnies and stores filled with children buying chocolate to get fat on. Why is the world so afraid to accept us?
"Hey Mr Smithers," Says a darling little 10 yr old I know as the Rev's daughter. With her Bart was standing, eating a delicious chocolate egg.
"You know I never understood Easter, what does chocolate and Jesus's death have in common?" Bart asks as I think about it myself.
"maybe Jesus died and shitted out chocolate," Jessica replies and I have to believe that is far from the truth but it is by far the most logical explanation I have heard to date.
"it's blunt commercialism, there is no point on selling out to people if you can't be yourself and I have to tell you guys a little secret,"
"What?" They both question in unison.
"I'm gay," They look disappointed I briefly thought it was cause I was gay.
"well duh," Jessica says and Bart lets out a laugh.
"You… you knew?"
"uhh yah!" Jessica said almost as if she knew it from the second she met me.
"well how did you know?"
"we never seen you with a woman, you stare at Mr Burns…a lot and you have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman," Bart says, almost as if he always knew as well.
"Well aren't you going to mock me or something like everyone else?" I say depressingly, my boss someone I loved and cared for.
"why?" Jessica questions.
"well I just got fired and kicked out of the bar cause I said that being gay is okay,"
"so, adults are dick holes," Jessica says with a smirk. I'm glad that in the future the world would be run by Generation Y and Z, freedom for gays and open minds.
"well what can I do, I'm jobless and soon to be homeless,"
"You could always sleep in Bart's tree house, I do it sometimes to get away from daddy,"
"Thanks for the yesterday but I'm not that pathetic yet,"
"You will be,"
"Well see yah," I say as I start to walk home. I flip on the T.V. which seems to be loaded with Easter specials. I fall asleep thinking I hate this fucking holiday, it caused all this happiness, enough for me to admit my deepest, darkest secret.
Waylon, Waylon. I awake in a time not mine.
"I can't help but feel sad when some loses their Easter spirit," Jesus says as he hangs on his crucifix….
"I'm… gay and I'm not that proud," I bluntly say as the blood slowly drips down his body.
"so? I'm gay too…" I felt shocked, I dunno if it was a pleasant shock or not but it was definitely a shock.
"but in the bible it says homosexuality is wrong,"
"Of cause it does. Do you think I wrote the bible or God did? The bible is filled with stories by fiction writers, the fact is I was fag and killed for my equality for all man, not just straight. I was King of Fag but the Christians changed it, distorted the truth and made Easter about chocolate and the next worse thing to gays, a Giant fag bunny that shits chocolate."
"Of cause it makes sense now, the most important thing about Easter isn't Jesus, it's chocolate,"
"No you fucking douche bag, weren't you listening you pig fucking soul sucker? The main thing that Easter stands for is gay pride,"
"oh right, I know this is a dream and all… but can I just jack off too your hot naked body,"
"Damn it, why does this always happen, I use my powers to bring a gay man to the past and all they want to do is jack off, God damn it,"
"awh come on, I'll make it quick,"
"fine, fine,"
I awake with a massive boner that suddenly shoots out white chocolate. God damn it. 7 am, time to go shopping for those new easter boots, made entirely out of rabbit skin, it even has cute laces.
"Hey buddy you want a job?" Things are finally going my way, as soon as I step into the mall.
"Yeah of cause,"
"Well here is a bunny costume and a chocolate penis… dude chew the penis not suck it,"
"uhhh sorry," I say ashamed.
"Your not gay are you? I'm not allowed to employ gays,"
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't feel like it,"
"Oh…. No I love breasts," of a man of cause, hairy nipples filled with pimples are the best. I put the suit on, my panties feel tight in this suit. I think that having bunnies in malls push the commercialism of Easter too far but I need a job.
"Hey little girl, what's your name?"
"Lisa, Lisa Simpson…,"
"What do you want for Easter?"
"I want peace on Earth and good will towards men,"
"And gays right?"
"Well obviously gays deserve rights, I mean if Jesus was gay it wouldn't make his teachings any less significant, not to me anyways since I'm Buddhist," it's children that help the world realize that they aren't always right.
"Lisa, shove your daisy picker love aside," Homer says as he pushes his daughter off of me and jumps onto my lap. I scream at the pain the obese man gives me by sitting.
"I want a pony, a bra for my breasts, extra large, a dildo and the new Barbie doll," I thought I was the gay one. He finally gets off but the thing that makes me nearly faint is the sight of my former boss.
"Hello… sir," I bluntly say as he sits on my lap, a dream coming true. His ass was smooth and bony, like I imagined it.
"hello gigantic bunny, no one is able to help me with my problems."
"What problems Mr?"
"I fired a close friend of mine just cause he likes to pound butt, was I wrong to do it?"
"yes, see I have learnt something, it's wrong to hate a person on their beliefs, the world is made up of different kinds of people, some black, some jewish and some gay. If someone believes they are superior to a gay because of their desire to have sex with the opposite sex then they are nothing but idiotic fools that are closed minded. See Easter isn't about Jesus's death, chocolate or money, it's about freedom, Jesus's death might have paid a big part in this but it was his horrible death that allowed us to be free from our sins, to fulfil our desire, no matter how sinful and wrong. If pounding butt is a sin then it doesn't matter because if Jesus died for our sins then sins are okay, other wise he didn't really die for our sins,"
"your not allowed to say that in a simspons fan fic, that's a gay Kyle or Stan speech, this isn't South Park idiot,"
"oh, well in that case it was wrong to fire your friend, see he was your friend and if his sexuality can destroy the fun times you had, the memories you shared and the company of them then your going to go to hell instead."
"That's still a little too South Parky, dumb it down asshole,"
"oh… well it was wrong,"
"Thanks you fudge facking lover, I'm going to go hire him again and apologise," Wow Easter isn't so bad after all.
A/N: instead of letting you decide what the story means I shall explain it for no reason. It obviously has a strong theme of homosexuality, which I personally think is a great thing for those who are gay, I am not however. Homosexuality is actually my metaphor for non-Christians(sort of), at least in the past… around the witch hunt times and about how they were discriminated and forced to live in denial. Being Easter, this non Christian confessed to his best friend, whom was outraged. Soon he was rejected from everyone except the children who didn't have their own opinions on non Christians, for as the world was advancing their generation was starting to embrace different ideas and lifestyles. Him being a bunny is pretty much a reverse of his beliefs, probably acceptance that people have their own opinions. It also allows him to hide himself, the costume is sort of a shelter for him. The ending is pretty much the idea has time goes on people change, their beliefs can change and people are accepted. I hope one day that gays can get their rights.