Ummmm. Hello readers. This...is rated...VERY BAD FOR YOU! If you are under 14 please go away and read something else. There is intense swearing and stupid use of characters. As I write this...I seriously consider writing for South Park some day...it's...dirty. I will leave it at that. Not too bad...no "sex" but alot of swearing.

THERE IS ONE THING YOU MUST UNDERSTAND BEFORE YOU READ THIS: I AM NOT being SERIOUS AT ALL. I WAS BORED, AND I WAS SICK OF ALL THE GOOEY STUFF. YEAH...

Tee HEE.

"Astrid! No! Stop! Not on my face, for the love of gods!"

Hiccup probed his girlfriend Astrid with a question.

They were seriously going out now, and they were 16.

A few months ago Hiccup had lost his leg, but gained the village the use of dragons.

All he needed to gain now was an icepack.

Astrid was beating him straight into the face with the heel of her steel toed boots.

Did I mention they were steel heeled, too?

"You son of a bitch, I'll kill you!"

"Ahhhh! Astrid! This is why we went to couple's classes, remember?"

Astrid stopped and remembered the classes recommended by their therapist.

Hiccup saw her being reasonable and attempted to calm her more.

"Remember the Mr. Hand song?"

Astrid turned her head like a dog and gave one of those whimpery-like sounds dogs make when they perform the action in which I just depicted.

Hiccup began to sing in a cracking voice, since his throat was swelled.

"When you feel like slappin' so your hands are clapping, on your buddy's face, no don't use that mace, just give him a kiss, like you do like this, and then you wont be flying fists!"

"I fucking hate that song!"

Astrid began to rapid fire punch him in the face.

Why was she so mad, you ask?

Well…

She woke up that morning to the sweet scent of mountain cherry blossoms and chirping birds, as a tranquil dragonfly tenderly shook its little wings on her windowpane.

So she decided to BREAK SHIT!

She took Hiccup's wooden leg and broke it. (while it was still on him.)

"AHHHHHHHH!" Hiccup tried to stand up and run away but just flailed his arms in the air like a horny spider, and ended up falling immediately and smashing his face to the wood floor.

She proceeded to pull some hair out of his head, then, and began to slowly chew it.

She made nom nom sounds and saliva dripped from her mouth.

"Mmmm, wimpy hair."

"AHHHHHHH!" Hiccup teared up in pain, and fear.

"Imma crazy mofo! I made my own crew, Berk's bitches! It consists of me and Ruffnut (the only girls here) and assorted guidettes from the hit MTV series Jersey Shore!"

Suddenly Snooki and JWOWW popped up from god knows where.

"You ready, dikey doo doo?"

"Hells yeah, fat hooker! Lets raise some hell!"

They fled out the door and began to set the town on fire.

Hiccup put his hand on his new bald spot and whimpered.

He looked like a monk.

Mother fucker!

"ASTRID! WHAT are you doing!"

"Nothing that concerns you, biatch."

"Okay…saying biatch doesn't make you cool, I actually rather-"

Astrid kicked his head to the floor.

"Hoo Ah!"

Hiccup whimpered.

She wins.

Suddenly, Snooki and JWOWW jumped on Hiccup's back, Snooki with her heels digging into his head.

"Hmm, no, he aint juicy enough for me, how bout you JWOWW?"

"No, uh, no. I need something with a bigger penis, and a bigger waistline, he's like a fuckin' straw!"

"The better to drink "juice" out of." Hiccup joked as he didn't really get what "juicy" meant. He puffed grass out of his teeth…along with a tooth.

JWOWW and Snooki whore walked away.

"Wow, dem is some crazy bitches."

Astrid was approaching the boy on the floor and had a new sort of guidette phase going on. She wore a really high skirt that showed her hairy ass and a low cut shirt…but she had no tits…She also wore her hair in the most massive, vulumtous poof any guidette had ever seen (she had a lot of hair) and it reached a good 4 feet off her head. Her makeup was so thick you could swim in it, and bring your friends.

Hiccup squealed in fear. He didn't know what IT was!

"AHHH! A monster!"

Some hookers surrounded her for protection.

"AHHH! THREE, three monstas!"

She motioned for them to disperse.

"Tell me about it, stud."

"No, no Astrid, no, um, your not in Grease, and I'm not John Travolta…"

"That's besides the point!"

Hiccup pulled himself up.

"Astrid, I cant say I liked you before, but I really don't like you now."

Astrid punched him in the face and he ran away crying.

"Waaaaaa!"

Astrid didn't like him anymore, and it was obvious.

He ran to the top of a hill and sat down in tears.

"I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now…"

Hiccup singed, and then suddenly he saw a poof of air and a fairy popped up.

"I'm the fairy of hooker's past!"

The large black hooker popped up, wearing heels and a dress ten sizes too small.

"Oh, Shiznit. You aint B.O.B!"

"Who?"

"Nobody."

Hiccup gave a puzzled look.

"Anyway! I came here to help you figure some crap out, like how your town has been overthrown by overzealous exploiters of the Italian stereotype!"

"But, how, Fairy of Hooker's past, will we ever do that?"

"We gotta hit her where it hurts…"

"The balls?"

"What? No! The girl has balls…"

"Probably…"

"Um…ok."

Hiccup stared blankly at the large ho.

"We goin' have to eat her."

"Um, no, large black hooker, we aren't all morbidly obese."

"Okay."

Hooker crossed her arms.

"WELL, Mr. Know it all, I suppose you have a good plan, then?"

"Yes, I do."

"What is it, then, tweaky freaky?"

"I propose we eat her!"

The hooker looked up at him and sighed.

"Imma just beat her ass in."

Beating worked too.

Hiccup hid behind a rock as the huge black prostitute who suddenly seemed to remind him of the one from "Borat" inched (well, more like waddled) over to Astrid and poked her.

"Mmm, you look like you taste like fried possum!"

"What the fuck?"

Astrid was worried about the black ho's existence and picked up her ax.

The ho jumped back and began to indulge in Kung Fu.

Astrid ducked at the first kick and settled it quickly by just chopping her head clean off her shoulders.

She did want to eat her.

That was weird.

She wiped the blood off on her shirt and calmly walked away.

"Hiccup! I want sex now, you man-whore!"

Hiccup cringed and slid out of view behind a rock wall. He crept slowly but Astrid caught eye of his hair sticking up.

"Hiccup!"

She darted over to him and he whimpered.

"Waaaaaa!"

Suddenly, the cry of Hiccup's Snooki-Like whimper called over the little chub nugget.

"The party has arrived!"

"AHHHH!"

Hiccup was especially scared of this hooker, she looked orange as fire, and her face was rather threatening.

"No!" Astrid yelled at her minion, "Every time someone 'Waaas' doesn't mean you come!"

Snooki whimpered and walked away.

"But I wanted a pickle treat…"

"Crate up, Snooki!"

Snooki slowly dragged to her little crate and fell asleep, legs flailing in the air.

"AW. She's dreaming!"

Astrid caught herself.

"Hiccup! I want you to come to my house today."

"Aw, but Astrid, I don't like your pet mongoose, he always bites and…"

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay."

She dragged him by the penis to her house and they sat down for dinner with her parents.

"Hiccup, you know my father."

"Yeah."

He looked up to the man who looked identical to Astrid cause she really did look like a man!

"Hello, Hiccup. I hear your interested in my guidette daughter."

Hiccup's eyes widened.

"Um, no, I never said…"

He stopped as all of them stared.

"Sure."

"Well, then I approve of your marriage."

"Marriage? What?"

He gulped.

"Yessum!" Astrid's mother was unusually country, and she called herself Taylor Swift Scout Finch Abernathy Sandy Cheeks Corn the fifteenth.