I will be honest… I don't even remember how I thought up this story. All I remember was a funny scene towards the ending and the rest kind of had to conform to that but this story is kind of a mystery to me as to what part of my mind it came from. This is what happens when you scribble down ideas while drinking heavily I guess. Hmm… perhaps I should have Miriam become a writer… she's already drunk and self-loathing so she's halfway there… have fun reading!

Helga is a little extra insensitive and demanding in this story, with the excuse that her life is rapidly going down the toilet at home. Poor Gerald and Phoebe are the ones to suffer for it now, but maybe they can think of a way to get some payback while also "helping" Helga at the same time.

Chapter 1: Sick Day For Shortman

Hand in hand with his best girl, Gerald Johanssen tiptoed up the front steps of PS118, ready to endure another day of school. As had been his habit, he had passed by his best friend's house on the way to school to walk with him, but to his surprise the boy had never appeared. Not wanting to be late, Gerald set off without him and had then come across Phoebe as usual. Similarly to him, Phoebe was walking alone without her usual companion. Normally this might have concerned Gerald, but getting to spend just a little time with Phoebe alone took his mind off of the whereabouts of Arnold and Helga. Knowing the two of them they could have just met up together earlier.

To his surprise, once Phoebe and he made it inside the school and encountered Helga, Arnold was nowhere to be seen. It was an unusual sight these days for Arnold not to be trailing behind Helga and fighting for her attention as she casually rebuked him. Something was definitely amiss.

"Morning, Helga." Phoebe called out to her friend.

"Kon'nichiwa, compadre mio." Helga said in return, then bowed to Gerald with a sarcastic look on her face, "And to thy loyal consort, a hearty howdy."

Gerald blinked, "How many cultures did you just condense into that one greeting?"

"I dunno, wasn't counting." Helga said nonchalantly as she opened her locker, "It's a diverse town."

"Uh huh." Gerald said, "You seen Arnold?"

"Nope." Helga shook her head, "We broke up."

"Again?" Phoebe asked.

"Dang, girl, that's like the third time this month." Gerald said.

"Yep. I think we're finally getting the rhythm of this relationship down." Helga said dismissively as she began flossing her teeth while looking into the mirror inside her locker, "Besides, I think he's out sick today, or something."

"Oh dear." Phoebe said.

"How do you know that?" Gerald asked, "If you two are broken up…?"

"Doesn't mean I can't keep tabs on the boy," Helga said with a wicked grin.

Gerald knew better than to ask how Helga had gotten this intel on Arnold, but knew it was probably obtained in the creepiest way imaginable.

"That's… thoughtful of you." Gerald said.

"C'mon Feebs. I've got a few tasks for you to take care of." Helga gestured as she slammed her locker shut, and then looked at Gerald, "And they'll go faster if your beau here helps."

"What?" Gerald asked with a frown, "What are you asking of us here?"

"Do I sound like I'm asking?" Helga asked, "Come on. You both owe me a solid."

"For what?" Gerald asked.

"Saving your sorry behinds in San Lorenzo for a start." Helga said.

Helga stomped off around the corner expecting the two of them to follow. Gerald placed his hands on his hips and shook his head.

"Mm, mm, mm, if I didn't know any better I'd say that Helga G. Pataki still doesn't have any respect for you." Gerald said, "Or me for that matter, but that's nothing new."

"It's a complicated relationship, we share," Phoebe reassured him, "Maybe it's not as easy as what you and Arnold share but…"

"Hey, what are you saying?" Gerald asked playfully, "That we boys are just basic?"

"Oh not at all," Phoebe said, "There's just a natural symbiotic quality to your friendship, and I think that's quite admirable. Helga and I work because I'm just infinitely patient and understanding and she's… well okay, that sounds bad, but as you may or may not know, Helga does have her better qualities. She's just a little shall we say… frugal with them sometimes."

"Frugal." Gerald repeated, "Try stingy."

A short time later, Phoebe and Gerald had begrudgingly sharpened Helga's pencils and had them organized by length just as Helga liked them. Phoebe had tried unsuccessfully to get Gerald to enjoy himself by making a game out of it, but to little success.

"Hope that was worth it." Gerald groaned.

"I find that helping a friend in need is its own reward." Phoebe said.

"Oh come on." Gerald said, "Even Arnold isn't this big of a sucker…"

Phoebe sighed, "What more do you want for this?"

"Minimum wage?" Gerald suggested.

Helga then burst onto the scene, still scowling and grumbling.

"About time, sheesh!" she griped, "How is it the two of you working together are even slower? He's really slowing down your productivity, Feebs. I think you two lovebirds need to be supervised."

"Come on Helga," Phoebe urged, "I thought you were going to make an effort to be less… abrasive and shall we say… demanding. You know, after the San Lorenzo incident-"
"I agreed to no such thing!" Helga shouted, but then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a pack of gum. "But here, for your efforts, you can have the last of my gum."

Gerald actually smiled.

"Well that's something. Thanks Helga…" Gerald's enthusiasm immediately died when he looked inside, "Helga? There's none left…"

"Oh yeah." Helga said, "Ah well, nothing lost nothing gained."

"You really are just the same old Helga…" Gerald sighed. "And here I thought Arnold was finally starting to bring out your sensitive side."

"Hey! I'll have you know that nowadays I'm the nicest and most sensitive that I've been since I was three years old!" Helga shouted with her fist raised in Gerald's face.

"That's reassuring." Gerald said flatly.

"Anyway, good job on the pencils. Now you can put em to use." Helga said, "See, I had a few things to take care of for Big Bob last night and didn't get around to doing my math homework. I figure the two of you should be able to get it done before class starts. Here ya go." She dropped her math book and notebook into Phoebe's hands. "On second thought, I guess I'm glad you two hooked up. It's like having two personal assistants."

"You… don't want to pitch in at all?" Gerald asked incredulously.

"Oh you know I would but I've got some important stuff to do." Helga insisted.

"What stuff?" Phoebe asked.

"Did I stutter?" Helga asked, "Important stuff. Now c'mon, chop chop."

Before Gerald or Phoebe could protest further, Helga turned and walked off to get to her apparent important stuff.
"I guess we'd better get started." Phoebe said.

"Phoebe, are you serious?" Gerald huffed, "You're really gonna just kowtow to her like that? Sharpening her pencils is one thing but this?"

"I find life is often just easier that way." Phoebe said sadly.

"Oh no," Gerald said, "I'd say don't give Helga an inch, but I think you've already given her a whole mile. You've gotta assert yourself just a little."

"One does not simply assert themselves to Helga…" Phoebe said ominously.

"Phoebe…" Gerald said.

"Oh, I know… she was getting better for a while." Phoebe sighed, "But with everything she's going through at home, her father's business tanking, her mom's issues, and her rather confusing relationship with Arnold… I just want to make her burden a little lighter in some way…"

"Listen to you. Sounding like a victim." Gerald sighed, "Remember, you're not some mousy little sidekick to Helga; you're Phoebe Heyerdahl. You're a smart, strong, and sensual woman and…" Gerald stopped in embarrassment when he realized he'd gotten just a bit to personal. He scratched the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly as Phoebe similarly turned slightly pink.

"You're sweet." Phoebe said, "And you're especially sweet to put up with all this, just for me. Helga's my best friend, and I just have a more unique understanding for her behavior than most."

"I know, I know," Gerald relented, "I still don't think it's right how she treats you. Or Arnold, for that matter. Or me now… seriously she's really been regressing lately."

"I've gotten used to it, and I think Arnold has too." Phoebe said. "She's… worth it… really…"

"I hope so, since you're stuck with her as your best friend, and I'm stuck with her by extension, I just wish there was some way we could get that nice side out of her more often." Gerald said.

"We can't just change who people are Gerald," Phoebe wagged a finger, "We just have to accept them for who they are and hope that if we're kind to them it will begat kindness in return-"

Yo, Feebs!" Helga shouted from around the corner, "C'mon! That homework isn't gonna do itself! Hop to it!"

"Hopping!" Phoebe flitted off in Helga's direction, leaving Gerald standing alone and shaking his head in disapproval.

"How can I accept that girl if I can barely tolerate her to start?" he groaned.

Pooling their resources, Phoebe and Gerald again begrudgingly completed the task Helga had presented them with just before their first class of the day began. They had of course done the exact same assignment themselves the night before, so it wasn't exactly an intellectual challenge so much as it was an irritating use of their time. Now they sat in their morning social sciences class, and awaited their teacher.
"We're not doing that again." Gerald said, "It's not helping her if she has other people doing her homework for her."

"I know." Phoebe said, "I wouldn't want her to turn out like those sixth grade girls who had me doing their homework when we were in the fourth grade…"

At last, Mr. Simmons appeared in the doorway and greeted the class with a bright smile and a friendly wave.

"Good morning everyone!" he said cheerily, "I hope you're all refreshed and ready for another truly inspirational day of discovery."

Phoebe and Gerald smiled at him, while many others in the room appeared indifferent or unenthused.

"Don't oversell it." They heard Helga mutter from a few desks away.

"Students, today we'll be covering a very exciting new unit in our continued journey into the very special and wonderful world of human psychology." Simmons announced as he pulled down the overhead screen.

"Are we going to find out what's wrong with Curly's brain?" Harold asked.

"I hope so!" Curly said with a wide grin. "I'll volunteer to be dissected if it means I can hold my own brain in my hands."

"Um, ew." Rhonda snarled in disgust.

"Ah, I'm afraid not." Simmons said, and then announced excitedly, "But we will be covering the thrilling history of the study of hypnosis! Isn't that…"

Despite his effort to rouse the class into excitement, Simmons got little more than blank stares from the kids. Undeterred he pressed on with the lesson plan.

"Oh come on." Simmons said, "None of you have any misconceptions over hypnotism that you've seen in movies?"

"Just teach." Helga said, "We're only required to learn, not to enjoy."

"I for one think it's a fascinating subject." Phoebe said.

"Phoebe? You thought his lecture on the history of punctuation marks was a fascinating subject." Helga smirked.
"Well it was…" Phoebe mumbled back.

Taking no notice of Helga and Phoebe's discrete squabbling, Mr. Simmons turned on the projector and images began appearing on the screen. Phoebe and Gerald listened intently as Helga began to zone out. Jotting down notes at a mile a minute, Phoebe found the entire subject of hypnotism and the history of its use in therapy illuminating. Gerald glanced over at Phoebe, noticing a look on her face that suggested the wheels were turning in her head.

"Used both as a form of entertainment for audiences and used as a serious form of therapy, the practice and theory of hypnosis can be traced back thousands of years. Some historians even believe it may go back to prehistory, when one caveman first induced his enemies to think they were chickens."

The history of hypnosis was interesting enough, but Phoebe felt a certain eagerness to get into how the process actually worked. Eventually Simmons came to just that topic.

"Beginning with a hypnotic induction, the subject is given a series of preliminary suggestions and instructions." Mr. Simmons said, "And put into a trance like state. Once induced into a trance, the subject becomes easily influenced and susceptible to suggestion. And step by step the inducer can make increasingly demanding suggestions. "

"Can you demonstrate on Harold?" Sid suddenly blurted.

"Ah, no…" Simmons said, "We're studying the theory of hypnosis, and won't be putting it into actual practice… it's not really a teacher's place to hypnotize students-"

"Aw, come on!" Harold shouted, "It sounds like fun! You could… you could hypnotize me into being hungry!"

"You're not hungry, Blimpo?" Helga asked.

"No!" Harold wailed in misery, "It's a weird feeling and I don't like it! I wanna be hungry!"

"Students please." Simmons attempted to restore order, "I'm glad you're all so curious about the subject, but-"

"Could someone be hypnotized into losing their accent?" Stinky asked, "Just asking for a friend."

"Or… or… you could hypnotize me into having a smaller nose?" Sid asked.

"You should ask for a bigger cerebrum…" Helga snipped.

"Or maybe just hypnotize Helga into being not such a big meanie!" Harold shouted.

Helga shot him a scowl.

"Might work on me, but Old Betsy here has a mind of her own…" she growled as she raised her fist.

"Helga, I don't want to have to report you again." Simmons warned her. "And the rest of you, please. Let's save all questions for the end of the lesson. Now then, the purpose of hypnosis in therapy is typically to treat such conditions as anxiety, phobias, as well as undesirable behavior and habits…"

As Simmons continued on with his lecture, Phoebe's eyes went straight to Helga as a strange idea began to form in the back of her mind.

When the morning classes came to an end, Helga, Gerald and Phoebe made their way through the crowded hallways to the cafeteria, with Helga's infectious grumpiness starting to really wear on her friends.

"Man, can you believe what Simmons is wasting our time on?" Helga asked, "I mean, as if algebra wasn't useless enough now all this hypnosis business has me nostalgic for the days of learning about debunked diseases… just as useless but at least interesting. Now c'mon, Miriam forgot my lunch and I'm short on cash so I'll need you two to get me something to eat."

Helga lead the way, expecting the other two to loyally follow behind her. Instead Phoebe and Gerald just came to a stop, looked at one another and groaned. Helga's had surpassed her usual levels of jerky behavior and had finally grated on them to the point that they couldn't bare it any more.

"I say we let her starve." Gerald said, "At least until she learns to say 'please' or something…"

"Oh she's fully capable of that." Phoebe said, "As I've said, we just have to find a way to bring that nicer side out of-"

Phoebe paused, then looked down at her social sciences text book. She looked up at Gerald as mischievous grins crossed both their faces simultaneously. Both of them had been struck with the same thought.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Gerald whispered to Phoebe.

"That we should prove Helga wrong about how useless class is? By applying our school studies in some real world venue? Possibly by helping someone and thus also help ourselves in such a manor?" Phoebe asked.

"As in actually try to hypnotize Helga into being nicer?" Gerald asked.

"Oh, I don't know." Phoebe said with some hesitation in her voice, "How could we really do such a thing to her?"

"Feebs! Tall hair boy! Move it!" Helga's voiced bellowed from down the hallway.

"How could we not?" Gerald asked. "I mean, we owe it to her, after all. We'd just be helping her to be a happier, healthier person."

"Still, that does sound an awful lot like meddling with the laws of nature…" Phoebe said tentatively, but then she smiled and wrung her hands together eagerly. "Yes, I think this particular subject may be just the remedy we need for our irascibly rascally friend…"

This couldn't possibly backfire in some horrible unforeseen way, now could it?