This is a humorous play I wrote using characters from Hamlet. You know how on TV someone will have a moral decision to make and the angel and demon appear on the person's shoulders? That's what I mean by 'shoulder angel' and 'shoulder demon'. Just wanted to clarify that in case you didn't understand.

Disclaimer: Hamlet and Claudius are characters from Hamlet, written by William Shakespeare. I do not claim to own them.

Thanks to SRSilverhawk for proofing this for me.

Well, It Worked, Didn't It?

By: Bookworm85

Written: 2-10-2003

Characters (in order of appearance)

Hamlet

Demon

Angel

Claudius

Enter Hamlet, the shoulder angel and the shoulder demon.

Hamlet: Oh, woe is me! My father murdered, my uncle the culprit, what shall I do?

Demon: Doncha worry, I'm here to help ya.

Angel: Help him? Help him right off a cliff, you will.

Demon: Who asked you?

Angel: Requested my help, no one did. But need my help, Hamlet does.

Demon: Will you quit talking like that?

Hamlet: Although perchance I am but a newborn lamb at this, should not you two be helping me?

Demon: Yeah, kid, we'll help ya. Keep ya's clothes on.

Angel: Speak correctly, you need to. And help the boy, I shall.

Demon: Riiiight.

Hamlet (interrupting): I require assistance for my great dilemma. If thee shan't help, I'll travel to yon tree and weep silently.

Demon: Wha's ya prob?

Angel: Your problem, please tell me. What the solution is, we'll see.

Hamlet (impatiently): My father slain by the hand of my uncle! A treacherous act, O villainous act! Evil in Denmark, evil in my father's house! O, putrid, decomposing, sinful acts!

Demon: I'm sorry, what was that? I wasn't paying attention to ya.

Angel (to Demon): True evil, you are. (to Hamlet) Any solutions you know of, share with me.

Hamlet (thinking): I… I could…. Kill my uncle! The answer lies in death, and vengeance will be mine!

Demon: Tha's the way to go!

Angel: Killing, the answer is not. Forgiveness is where the answer lies.

Demon: Foo', whatcha think ya doin'? Fo'giveness an' love? Wha' this kid needs is blood.

Angel: Kill, thou shall not. In the Bible, that is.

Demon: Killin' is justified if youse knockin' off a waste of space like that deadweight sounds like. Fight, fight, fight!

Angel: A pacifist, I am.

Demon: A paci-wha'?

Angel: One who believes not in violence, a pacifist is.

Demon: But this dude offed his pop. Doncha t'ink some 'un should off 'im?

Angel: Reserved for the Lord, judgement is. Decide who lives and dies, humans shall not.

Hamlet (uncertain): So… I shan't kill my uncle, though he did slay my father, my lord, my king?

Angel: One Lord, there is. For help, pray to him.

Hamlet (kneels): Oh, Eternal Lord, I petition thee, I beg thee, I implore thee…

Demon (mutters): Let's not get too dramatic, or nothin'.

Hamlet (continues): … I have a dilemma. My uncle hath slain my belovéd father. How shall I avenge his untimely demise?

Angel: Good, that is. Now wait, we must.

Hamlet: But whatforth amount of time must past before I shall receive instruction from above?

Claudius (enters): What ho! Hamlet, thou are mad to speak when none other is present. Hast thou fallen ill, my son?

Hamlet: If the son was present, no longer lasts. The sun hath set when my father left this earth, with no chance to see the sun.

Demon (to Angel): Wha's he yakking 'bout?

Angel (to Demon): Know what he says, I have no idea.

Claudius (to himself) Yep, he's lost it. (clears throat) That is, the sun hath made thee 'magine unicorns *. Rest then, under yonder tree, 'til thou receivest thy wits in full working order.

Hamlet: Tell me thus: What shall I do? O, knowledge is a cruel master! I can speak not what I know, for none shall me believe. O, Cassandra, oracle whom a curse was placed so none shall list to thou. How I know how thou fairest! What hath I done to anger the gods?

Angel: Only one God, there is. And speak not of what you know, I suggest.

Demon: Yeah, 'n don' tell 'im 'bout us, neither.

Hamlet: Speak to me, small white-robed cleric! Speak to me, small red robed spawn of evil!

Demon: I told 'im not ta tell 'im.

Hamlet: What shall I do with this knowledge that I hath been burdened with? I shan't tell my mother, nor my faithless friends. Lest I am 'trayed by the evil in their hearts!

Demon: I told 'im not ta tell 'im, but does he listen? Nah, who wants ta listen to the dude with the horns? Nobody, I tell ya. I gets me no respec'.

Angel: Kill you, he shall, if he knows what you know.

Hamlet: Evil fiend! Thou slayest my father, and took the crown, the queen, and Denmark! And next thou shall killest me!

Angel: Smart, that was not. Run for your life, I suggest you do.

Claudius (to himself): So, the brat knows what I did. I'd better kill him now before he tells someone. (to Hamlet): Thou liest! Thou art a villain to question what I doest. (draws his sword) Take back thy offense, afore I slay thee for thy insult!

Hamlet: Never shall I take back a true comment! Thou art a coward, a son of a cow and a donkey. Thou receivest thy looks from thy mother and thy brains from thy father. If thou hath twice the brains thou dost now, thou would still be the stupidest of all creatures.

Claudius: I'll slay thee like I did thy meddlesome father.

Hamlet: Then thou admitest thy guilt. My sword shall drink of thy blood!

Angel: Wait, you shall. Come from the heavens, judgement shall reign.

All look up. A chandelier falls on Claudius, killing him.

Demon: Or… that'll work too.

Angel: Right, you are, for work, it did.

Hamlet: My uncle slain, my father avenged. O happy day!

Demon: Dude, you're jus' trippin'. Wha's youse prob?

Hamlet exits.

Angel: Gone through a difficult time, he has. That killing is not the answer, you see now. Take care of evil, the Lord shall. 'Trust in the Lord, and thou shall livest forever.' Stephan 52:10.

Demon: I'm hungry. You?

Angel: Indeed.

Demon: Let's get us some Barba-Q. I'm craving some burgers, man.

Angel: Deal with your sins, we shall, next time.

Angel and Demon exit.

Line 41 *'Magine unicorns- imagine unicorns, that is, hallucinate. Claudius thinks Hamlet has lost his mind due to being in the sun too long.