Title: Sweet Carcinogen
Pairing: H/D
Author: Elegant Envy
"You taste like an ashtray."
"Don't Harry."
"I'm just saying…"
"No you're nagging."
"Was n-"
"Harry…I know you. You were gearing up for nag mod, I can sense these things. It's a little known talent, of the many I possess, blessed since birth with it really."
"I just don't like you smoking. You could get cancer or…something. And I like all your body parts right where they are and intact."
"Yes their current configuration is ratherpleasing, isn't it?"
"You know what I mean. Smoking is just so unhealthy!"
"Well that changes everything! Why did no one think to mention this to me sooner? Cigarettes—hazardous to one's health? I feel like my whole life is a lie—seduced by the glamour of the cigarette conglomerates—or maybe it was that bloke in the cowboy hat and leather chaps...I must quit immediately!"
"Stop being a prat Draco, I'm serious. I'm only nagging because I love you, you arse! You're no good to me if you're wheezing and hacking too much to shag me properly."
"I knew it! You only want me for my body! How very shallow of you Potter. Anyway, who says I can't still pound your arse into the mattress? I heard no complaints last night."
"I didn't mean… the sex is good now-"
"Just good."
"…"
"Way to wound a man's pride Harry. Merlin! I thought I'd at least rate a 'phenomenal' or perhaps a modest 'godly'."
"I wouldn't say 'phenomenal'…"
"Ha! I love you."
"I love you too, even if you are obnoxious. And you need to stop smoking."
"Harry? Dearest? I love you to bits, I really do, but this isn't a battle you can win. One epic battle is usually enough for anyone, can't you be satisfied with vanquishing the Dark Lord and leave me to my cigarettes? Don't make me choose Harry, because frankly the cigarettes don't nag me like you do."
"You arsehole!"
"Ow! We've established that I'm a horrible person already. How about a kiss anyway? Or is domestic violence going to be the atmosphere this evening?"
"You still taste like an ashtray."