What We Never Had

Summary: It's the end of the Trio's seventh year. It's the end of Hogwarts for Hermione, and everything should be coming full circle now. Her feelings for Harry, her need for him – yes, it should be okay. But that's just what she thinks…

It was the first day of the rest of her life.

Hermione Granger stood on the cold marble floor of platform 9 ¾ with a kind of desolate sadness settling in the pit of her stomach. Derek was off trying to find tickets for the two of them to go to his summer house in the Cotswolds, a "lovely place," he'd said. Hermione had nodded and smiled numbly as he gave her a warm, radiant, I-love-you kind of grin, and disappeared into the Ravenclaw's Common Room through a statue in the wall.

Derek was so good to her, and so kind. The brown-haired boy who made the second-best marks in the school had come to her one day in Hogsmeade, shy, offering friendship – but after a while he wanted more. Hermione couldn't say she hadn't wanted just what he had wanted; after all, Derek was cute - and smart – and everything Hermione had ever told herself she wanted. He really, truly loved her, like he had said to her so many times. After a while she made herself believe she loved him too, but there was one thing watching her disapprovingly out of the corner of her mind every time they kissed.

A boy, with tousled black hair and a Quidditch player's build, emerald eyes that forced a smile onto her lips and a grin that made her heart melt –

Harry.

Oh. Right. Harry.

Hermione sighed and leaned against the wall, waiting, her eyes never leaving her former best friend, there on the platform surrounded by a throng of people. Cho Chang and her extensive family, there to greet the new couple fresh off the Hogwarts Express –

It was the last time they'd ever get off the Hogwarts Express.

Seventh year was over. Hogwarts was over. Harry and Cho were rumored to be discussing "commitment," after reconciliation halfway through sixth year, as an excited Lavender and Parvati had whispered to her after the debacle with Voldemort's death. He'd "gone straight up to the Owlery and wrote a letter to her!" Seventh year was over, and Hermione felt like her life was over too.

Harry had been hers for so long. Hers to touch, to hold, to comfort, to love – and she had! She had, by all means, she had. Not like the…the admiration bordering on love she had for Derek. But by the time she decided to tell him, to ask him, he'd gone to her. Cho. The witch, Hermione silently seethed. As much as she hated to admit defeat, it was true. She and Harry had…

Lost it? No. You can't lose what you never had.

Derek came back, holding two orange-trimmed tickets in his fist, his broad and loving grin directed towards her. "So, Hermione, I got us tickets! Cheap enough, too." His eyes met hers, and the grin faded, if only a little. "What's wrong?"

She couldn't lie to him! She couldn't. Hermione sighed again and looked her boyfriend straight in the eye. "Derek…"

His right index finger appeared on her lips. His face was a mask of seriousness. "I know, Hermione. It's Harry, isn't it?" He sighed, and then smiled back at her. "I know you love him. But you love me too, right?" That grin again…

How could she say no? And she did, didn't she? "Yes, Derek." Smile. Just smile at him. "I do. But I do love Harry, and…I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He understood. Everything she'd wanted, right there, but what she really needed was standing seven feet away from her with Cho Chang on his arm. "But I love you, Hermione. You do what you need to do, baby, I'll be right here." A warm, understanding grin. "You will come back, won't you?"

"Yes." Her heart tugged at her, sending images of a Marauder's grin through her mind. "I will."

Mechanical movements. Step, step, forward, little to the left –

"Harry?" Emerald eyes – oh, hell – "Um…can we talk?"

He smiled roguishly at Cho. "Gotta go for a second, be right back." Off, following her, strong hand on her shoulder – damn, when had he gotten so warm on that train? "What's up, Hermione?"

Do it quick, before Derek and Cho can look over. Do it quick, before you decide otherwise.

Hermione leaned up and kissed Harry on the lips, her heart beating a mile a minute and the worst anguish she'd ever felt coursing through her veins – this was not hers to kiss, this was not hers to love –

Chocolate orbs found his shocked emerald ones. "I'm sorry, Harry – I do love you – "

She jumped away from him, back to Derek, skipping over him and running out, out, up the stairs, out of the train station, to the empty telephone booth outside of the automatic doors - her heart was tearing into a million pieces, her eyes brimming with tears, her lungs on fire with the need to let those sobs out – she slammed the door of the telephone booth and sank down to her knees and cried it all out.

An eternity later she had stopped crying and subsided into sniffles, clinging to her knees and burying her face in them, when the door of the telephone booth opened and Derek came in, silent and serious.

"Derek – "

"Shhh…" He held onto her as she rode the last of her tears out. "It's all right." Blue eyes found hers, and she felt guilty because she longed for those emerald ones – "Hermione, I know you love him, but baby I love you more." He was so sincere! "And even if you hate me and want me to disappear because you love him more, I'll be here, and I'll still love you."

Oh. My. God.

Hermione felt a wave of emotion swell up in her chest. Derek did love her. Truly, deeply loved her.

And Harry didn't.

You can't lose what you never had.

She gave him the best smile she could muster and let herself sink into his warm and inviting arms – and by the look in his eyes, he knew what she meant by this trusting action. This was what she wanted; a man who loved her and understood what couldn't be put into words.

"Where's – where'd he go?"

"He looked for you for a long time," Derek said, "and finally gave up after twenty minutes."

"What about Ron?"

He chuckled. "You are upset, aren't you? Ron left already, baby. He left with all his family and Luna, remember?"

Her heart sank lower than low. "Right." Then a thought came to her mind – "How did you know where I was?"

A smile was all he gave her.

Hermione leaned up and gave Derek a kiss, the same kiss she had given Harry. He was not hers to love; he was not hers to kiss – but Derek was.

"I've decided something," she whispered into his lips, "and I think you'll be rather pleased."

He gave her an inviting grin. "What's that?"

She hugged him tightly and whispered into his ear, a strangely un-Hermione smile flitting across her face. Derek's eyes swelled to the size of dinner plates and he stared at her, a similar grin materializing on his. The two of them shared a very un-bookworm-like giggle and Derek helped her out of the telephone booth and into the waiting taxi, his arm comforting on hers.

Neither of them noticed the figure standing alone on the stairwell, staring after them with grieving emerald eyes.

…well.

That was…strange.

Misao is inventing strange things now…maybe it was just because she wanted to write an angst fic? Whatever, she did it, didn't she? (smiles sheepishly)

Review, PLEASE? Even if you hate it beyond all comprehension. Review. 'Cos...I kinda hate this one too. But I had to get this one out.

Thank you,

Misao7