This takes place about two years after Joel and Ellie reach Jackson County once again. I really love their dynamic and after finishing the game a while back, I still can't get them out of my head. News on the sequel has also been keeping me tied to this world, and this is what I imagined life could be like for them after the game, in the five year period between the original and the sequel.
The title is from a line in The Outsiders where Cherry references that it doesn't matter where you come from, everyone has their own unique set of problems and the weight of it is all equal to each other.
There was an odd patch of grass, a disturbingly bright spot of sunshine that shone down in the middle of the dark, dingy, trash consumed forest that bordered the edges of Jackson County. Ellie didn't think anyone came out this far because her small, muddy tracks were the first to be made in this smooth, untouched path she ventured curiously across.
The terrain here was rougher than what she was used to when she went on border patrol with a small portion of the militia in the early morning hours of dawn, just before the sun rose over the jagged, snow-tipped mountains. The sun was high in the sky now, and the snow from days prior was almost completely melted from the surrounding nature. Her feet kept snagging on open tree limbs growing sideways on the surface of the marsh-like ground, and she cursed with each misstep. Someone should really be keeping up with the gardening around here.
She wasn't supposed to be in this part of the woods alone, she knew this, but in her defense, she had initially seen a white tailed buck straying over back into this side of the woods from her position on the border path; she was practically drooling at the hot, fresh meat she could already taste from a meal long ago.
They didn't come across much deer nowadays; the days were getting colder again with the ongoing winter snow coming and going, falling and melting, and the seldom deer left were frozen beneath small avalanches that had fallen, the people of Tommy's community's hopes for a mouthwatering meal going down with them. Nobody said anything at the fresh vegetation they had been consuming for months, the stock on that never ending, but that didn't mean people didn't miss a nice, warm meal as tasty as some venison.
Not that anyone would outright complain; it would be seen as vain. They were eating and that was the main point. So what if it didn't sit well with their taste buds?
Once upon a time, Ellie would have been one of those people criticizing other's for taking their select food for granted, but she'd been living here in relative comfort in Jackson County for two years now. She hated to say that the loss of their prized venison a few months back was something that got her in a sour mood more often than not.
Surely tracking this deer down and slinging its slain carcass home would hail her a hero to many and a headache to a certain Texas native. Damn, Joel was gonna be pissed to learn that she was this far out from the perimeter.
Sure, she could always lie about where she found the deer and no one would be the wiser… But anyway, she didn't need to think about any of this; she didn't even have the deer in her possession yet.
Soft rustling ahead of her had her entire body freezing in place, eyes vigilantly scanning the mossy area for what she hoped was the deer. The only thing swaying in this peaceful little untouched circle of life in the space of 10 seconds were the small brown leaves dangling from the wayward trees, Ellie's hard green eyes, and, finally, coming into view from behind a large tree, a delicate deer, his wary eyes touching on her briefly before turning to the ground before him, becoming like many others in the world, desperately searching for anything safely consumable.
This was the moment. This was her short window of opportunity to stealthily lift her bow in form and knock the breath and life force out of the only other living specimen in her vicinity. This was the moment … but still she stood, struck dumb by the innocent movements the deer displayed.
It was so unlike her, and she willed herself to get a move on because surely she'd get a generous amount of this juicy meat for finding it, but the only thing she felt compelled to do in that moment was stand back and let nature go on around her for a moment.
A soft gasp escaped her as she noticed a tall bush rustling slightly behind the deer. Very hesitantly, a smaller deer careened out of its hiding place, taking up a circling stance in front of the older deer before settling on standing on wobbly legs adjacent to the other. Following the elder's lead, the younger deer eagerly munched on the fresh grass in that bright spot where the sun shone through.
The sight before her reminded her of her comics. There was one about a savage, revenge killing man who sought solace in killing the scumbags of the Earth because of the pain caused to him by a senseless, fatal attack on his family. The man intrigued her while she read, so interested in his character growth. It didn't matter that he was one of those regular Johnson's before it all: a volunteer army man who fought wars for a country where most of the population didn't want to defend itself; he had a beautiful wife who took care of their curious, playful children, the way families worked back then. It didn't matter that he did everything in his power to live a happy life because once it was all harshly taken away from him, his deep, inner instincts rose up.
Practically overnight the caring, soft-hearted man who only projected love and duty turned into a killing machine, showing no mercy to any wrong doers of the innocent. Ellie spent countless nights just thinking about that guy with the fitting name, an unwanted title given to him by the spectators of his city.
She had thought the reason behind her unquenchable curiosity of this anti-hero was because he scared her. Not in the way he was probably intended to for its original audience. No, this was on a more personal level. He was the epitome of a man who had lost everything and turned into the very worst version of himself; a version Ellie uneasily had such an easy time connecting to.
But there was a moment when this broken man was walking through a graveyard, going to visit his dead wife and kids on the anniversary of their deaths. The world was dark and gray and raining, the polar opposite of the day Ellie was currently experiencing. As he passed through the multitude of headstones identifying the various other lost souls, he had stopped after passing a tall, stone angel statue. Ahead of him, about 50 feet away from him were the three statues of his loved ones, lined up in a descending line of headstones. What gave him pause, though, were the three deer that were casually strolling along his family, leisurely picking at the grass as they crisscrossed back and forth around his family's angel statues.
It was very much like the scene before Ellie. If she closed her eyes, she could probably even imagine herself as an anti-hero, just another merciless monster wanting to leave one pure aspect of the world intact. Slowly, almost dreamily, she let her eyelids slide closed, the last sight being the gentle nature of the deer as it kept going on with life as if Ellie wasn't even there...
A soft whistle of the wind, a sound she knew like the back of her hand, had her eyes flying open, tranquility gone as her arms automatically reached behind her to pull her bow from her back, knocking an arrow through it, all in the blink of an eye.
On the far end of her arrow was an older man she had seen before, but she had never caught his name. The bearded man was quickly trying to set up another arrow in his bow, but Ellie neared him warningly, and as he glanced up at her, the threat was clear. He paused his ministrations, narrowed eyes darting behind her where the deer lay and then back.
He was one of the new arrivals the border patrol had stumbled upon and had brought back a few weeks ago. He might have had a son around her age, but she couldn't be sure. All she knew now was that he was going to take credit for this lively, innocent deer she had befriended in her head moments before.
She inched forward, closer to the man before speaking, tone hard. "You're not supposed to be out this far. If you need something out here you gotta speak with Maria and Tommy. Have you talked to them?" New people to the community were on special watch, a character study of sorts. If they planned on staying, then Tommy liked to know what kind of person he was letting in. They weren't allowed to leave the town unless they planned on staying out, and if they had something to attend to out here in that short window of time, it needed to be cleared by Tommy and Maria.
The man's eyebrows knitted together as a slow smile showed off some seriously envious teeth. Most people in their late 40's and beyond had long forsaken their oral hygiene in favor of the more important matters in life, like food, water, and shelter. It was hard to come across a toothbrush unless you lived in a military installation like Ellie had while growing up, or something organized like it. Yet, here this man was with merely a slight yellowing of a smile. He must have come from another base.
He was a big man with a posture she recognized as a southern one. Or at least, that's what Joel called the odd way he stood with a backward tilt to his body. The man had a camo textured hat over top of his sweaty looking brown hair, a camo jacket to match. It was zipped up to his neck, fighting off the withering cold the winter was starting to bring in. Old, rust colored blood trails marked the fading blue of his jeans. If she hadn't already recognized him from around the community a few times, she would swear this man was a real threat to her. Not that being a part of the community made him any safer, it just made it harder for him if he were to try to start trouble because people knew him now.
Ellie waited for the man to respond, but apparently he thought their predicament amusing because he only stared at her with that unphased smile. This served to frustrate her further, annoyed at being seen as a minor nuisance. With more force than necessary, she gripped the bow tightly in her hand before very subtly angling a few degrees away from the man's head and let the arrow loose.
And, finally, she garnered the reaction she had initially wanted.
The man's eyes widened in fear as he gasped loudly, freezing in place. Ellie had already set up her bow once more, fresh arrow trained right on his nose. After a tense moment of holding his breath, he hastily glanced behind him at the arrow splitting through the large tree beside him, mere inches from his face.
"Fuck, girl! The hell's wrong with you?" he said, gruff voice quivering through his rage.
Ellie didn't falter. "I asked you a question."
The man was at a loss for words, sputtering nonsense as his eyes traveled desperately around the surrounding woods, as if they would provide an answer for him. Instead, he settled on, "W—what?"
"I said you're not allowed to be out this far unsupervised. It's against protocol."
"I could say the same for you. This don't look like the path that big group of yours were following."
Ellie thought quickly before answering. "Don't fucking worry about it. I have business out here, so you'd better be heading back to town. They don't take kindly to people screwing up in their first few weeks here."
Now Ellie was just talking out of her ass, saying anything to get this guy to move on. Truth was she knew Joel would throw a fit if he knew about this and probably try his damnedest to start up his old crusade of trying to persuade Tommy to put her on a job within the walls again. She struggled to get Joel on her side when she threw in her boring border defense work and traded up to being a part of the militia. This little wandering off right now would only make his argument stronger.
She didn't know what her face portrayed, the warring emotions within her confusing her, but it was enough to get him to completely untangle his bow from its half prepared state. He slung both the arrow and the bow back into its place on his backpack, his hard eyes not once leaving hers. Ellie still had her bow trained on him.
He nodded his head in the direction of the deer expectantly, his feet already laggardly moving his heavily clothed body in the direction of the slain meal. "I'm just gonna … go get that here deer now," he said, as if he were trying not to further agitate a spooked horse.
"I think you're mistaken. That was my deer."
His eyes bulged, rage filling the already beady eyes. Ellie almost felt like laughing at his expression, his face similar to the facial extremities with which her comic characters wore. "The hell it is! Now, I shot that deer, fair n' square. I dunno who you think you are, but you're in for a hell of a surprise if you think—" He broke off as recognition took over, eyebrows shooting up, his entire body relaxing. The look he wore did nothing to quell Ellie's growing agitation. "Huh ho. I know who you are. You're Tommy's niece, ain't ya? Yeah, I seen you hanging around with that gruffer lookin' brother'a his. Joey, is it? Joe?"
She didn't like the way he spoke about Joel. It was almost condescending, and she clutched the bow even tighter in her grip, involuntarily clenching her jaw in the process. The man noticed.
His grin widened, an evil glint overtaking the feigned innocence in his eyes. "Touched a nerve, there, did I? Could be I got it wrong. Maybe you ain't Tommy's innocent little niece. Maybe you're more to that brother'a his."
"You'd better shut your fucking mouth if you want to keep the skin of your leg intact." Her voice quivered with thinly veiled rage.
"Hey, hey, now. No need to be gettin' on the defensive side. So what if you're fuckin' our leader's brother? Ain't no skin off my nose who he takes into his bed at night. But this right here," he said, gesturing between the two of them, "this ain't gon' work. I don't take orders from no bitch—"
Her fingers had let go of the arrow before she consciously knew that was even what she wanted to do.
A pitiful, anguished cry rang through the too quiet forest as the man fell to the ground in an injurious heap, his backpack full of jutting out guns and a bow poking into his back. His moans were loud as his gloved hands circled his calf tightly, her perfectly placed arrow jutting out from the middle.
Ellie didn't have time to think about the panic his cries would evoke in the rest of the patrol party if they were still close enough to hear; she had to stay her upper hand here. In no time at all she had yet another arrow trained on him as she rushed over to his side, staring down at him through the spine of her arrow as he spewed expletives into the air.
As she had anticipated, he began to shakily reach for the handgun strapped to his boot, but she kicked his hand away harshly, emitting another wet whimper from the broken man. He glared up at her, pure hatred the only feeling she received from his gaze.
"Fucking bitch," he spat, voice ragged with exertion. Ellie glanced down at his leg, relishing in the sight of the tiny pool of blood beginning to soak through his discolored jeans. Honestly, he was acting like a big baby to Ellie. He ought to be lucky he didn't piss her off even more or else she would have been aiming just a little bit higher...
"Oh, you fuckin'… I don't give a... who you are," he said, deep voice getting thicker and slower as his words began to slur together. His eyelids were beginning to droop as his body began to fall backward even more painfully onto his weaponry sticking out of the backpack. An incredulous laugh escaped Ellie as she watched his hands finally fall from his leg. He was out like a light.
It was at this inopportune moment that the rest of the border patrol decided to find them. Shouts filled the air with questions and commands. Ellie lowered her weapon, holding her hands up in surrender.
"He's not dead," she said, just barely fighting the urge to roll her eyes at the dramatic way the rest of her party jumped onto the scene, concerned gazes on the slumped man at her feet. Not wanting to appear as any more of an unnecessary threat, Ellie shouldered her bow and arrow back into its pouch and jumped back a few paces so they could examine the guy.
Tommy was at the forefront of the group, bent at the knees in front of the man as he rolled the injured man's head from side to side. He grunted in satisfaction that indeed the man was still breathing before standing to his full height (which still wasn't very impressive), disapproving glare settled on Ellie. She hated the way his stare evoked a feeling of guilt in her. She by no means felt any guilt for putting one through that asshole's leg, but for some reason, the feeling bubbled up when he stared her down.
Still, she tried not to show it as she kept her head held high, refusing to break the meaningful eye contact. She knew he was trying to figure something out, maybe something about Ellie, but he never was the type to get all mushy with feelings and talking with her, so she probably would never find out what about her puzzled him. He broke away first, the curiosity wiped away in favor of the hard stoicism of a leader.
"What happened here? And don't bullshit me." His voice was indifferent.
"I felt threatened. He tried to pull a gun on me."
"Why would he do that? And what's he doin' outside the walls anyway?"
"I don't know… He's fucking crazy. Talking all kind of shit about—" she stopped, realizing the other eager pairs of eyes on her. Tommy, too, gazed around, before turning back to her, shrugging.
"What'd he say?"
Ellie bit her lip, unwilling to repeat the foul things he'd said in front of an audience who were too nosy for her liking. She didn't want the wrong kind of rumors to spread about Joel, and these people would no doubt find some way to add truth to this man's insults.
She gazed back at the spot where the fallen deer was lying, the grass in that specific area flattened beneath the dead weight. "I found some deer."
The atmosphere in the little circle of people immediately changed to something light, murmurs of delight coursing through the people as some of them raced ahead, heads scanning the area Ellie had been staring at until one person yelled, "Got it!" and raced to the mouth watering game.
Ellie stood back, finding a tree to lean on as she watched everyone get ready to head back. A lot of her comrades had come over and patted her graciously on the shoulder, commenting on how they were going to be eating good tonight. Another group of people had taken to lifting the lolled man onto the back of a horse, stripping him of his weapons until they could figure out just what went down. Ellie had made sure to point out the one gun hidden within his boot.
Tommy had helped a few of the others situate the deer onto a horse before striding over to Ellie. She tensed as he neared, dreading whatever it was he was going to say.
He stopped in front of her, placing his hands loosely on his hips. His head was bowed, dirty blonde hair falling down like a curtain, and she thought maybe his eyes were closed. He looked so incredibly tired in that moment ... so much like Joel. Her guilt came rising back.
After a deep breath, he turned those tortured eyes on her, so many emotions warring on his face she couldn't even pick out one. "Joel's gonna hear about this."
She huffed a laugh, wringing her hands together nervously. "I thought the deal was pretty clear here. I give you this deer, which is a rarity to come by nowadays I might add, and you make this whole situation go away."
His eyes narrowed, a corner of his mouth lifting imperceptibly, but it was enough for Ellie to notice. "I don't know how you plan on hiding this fully grown injured man. Especially when he wakes up. He's gonna be one hell of an angry bear with you the only destination in mind."
"It's gonna be pretty hard for him to walk with one working leg."
Tommy huffed a laugh, rubbing a hand over his face. "Come on, kid. Best be going 'fore night falls. It's coming quicker and quicker these days, and it's a long way back."
Ellie sighed and pushed herself off the tree, trailing behind the rest of the group as they walked with a little more pep in their step this time. Before she left the sacred clearing completely, she turned back to the spot the deer had stood, a peaceful being in their natural, tranquil environment. She was glad she got to witness their calm in their last moments of life. Most animals didn't get that kind of acknowledgement.
She suddenly remembered the other deer, now that she thought about it. It must have run off. She didn't even know if the little one or the big one got away, but did it matter?
Ellie secretly hoped it was the little one.
The two rough sounding voices coming from the other side of the kitchen door Ellie was leaning her ear against rose in volume. Agitation was clear amongst the brothers.
"I can't have that kind of animosity tainting the easy bond with which my militia has established. They need to be able to trust each other. I don't know, but it always seems as though Ellie is hiding behind something, like she's on her own side mission when we go out there."
"Goddamn it, Tommy, why is all this landing on Ellie's shoulders? She was the one being harassed."
"Don't tell me you believe that? I'll admit, this guy is still on watch, and while I don't exactly get 'let's be friends' vibes from him, I can't see him shooting a little girl in cold blood. It don't match up with anything we've seen from him so far."
"We don't know him. You know her, though. She wouldn't attack someone unless she was provoked."
"I know her enough to know that it don't take much to provoke her. Give her one wrong look, and she'll curse you up a storm like a sailor."
Like a sailor? Hmm. She would have to ask Joel about that one later. Deep, calming breaths filled the silence on the other side of the door, and she struggled to hear their now toned down volumes.
"What'd he say to her?" Joel asked.
"Fuck if I know. I asked her myself, but she was tight-lipped about it. Suspect she didn't want to share in front of the class. Have a feeling she might open up to you, though."
"Hmm," Joel said in way of agreement. The sound of a chair scraping against the hardwood floors had her straightening up quickly, ready to bolt if they started to head out, but Tommy's unexpectedly soft voice stopped her.
"Why're you fighting this so hard, huh? I thought this was what you wanted, having the girl contributing safely within the walls."
Ellie's heart picked up speed, not liking the direction this conversation was taking. She was gonna be stuck on stupid defense duty, she just knew it. Her tiny fists curled up by her side.
"This ain't even about me. Ellie likes what she does, and she's damn good at it. It gives her a purpose in life; something to fight for. I'll be damned if I'm gonna sideline her from the action just because it sca—."
He broke off, the silence thick with an unspoken truth, but Ellie wasn't even thinking about that. Amazingly, with just a few choice words on Joel's part, any anxiety she had about the outcome of this situation dissipated. Not only that, but she felt lighter. So light. Like a careless bird, she felt like flying over the treetops, shouting that, Yes! Joel is finally accepting my need for this job.
They'd been together now for two years, and while she never doubted the care he held for her since that troubled start, she always wished he would accept the decisions she made, no matter how risky they were for her. His approval was the only one she sought, the only one that truly mattered to her, but she didn't let it dictate her actions; she still did as she pleased. Well, not sometimes. She chose her battles with him or else they'd be at odds every day of the week. And he gave in, too, probably more than she ever did, succumbing to her worries and not taking risks when it was too much for her.
They took care of each other like that.
Ellie was so into her head filled with exclamations and revelations, that she failed to notice the lack of conversation still taking place. Before she could react, the door creaked open before her, Joel stopping abruptly upon noticing her. She grinned sheepishly.
"Hey, there. I was just—"
Joel pointed a finger toward the staircase. "Upstairs, young lady."
"Don't you 'young lady' me," she grumbled, nonetheless finding her way up the stairs and into her bedroom.
Her and Joel were given a house to themselves, a perk of being the leader's family, she guessed. Her room was one door over from Joel's which she very much appreciated at night time when she would sometimes wake up in a panicked sweat. Her nightmares were a force to be reckoned with, plaguing her dream state on occasion. They mostly consisted of cannibalistic monsters and a certain dark entity in the form of David. It had been two years and she could still feel the throat-closing fear she had that day with David, still feel the masculine strength that pinned her down to the cold, hard floor of that restaurant. With Joel within one door away, it was easy to find comfort when she had these dreams, sneaking into his room and sliding under his covers until she felt safe once more. If he was awake when she came, he would let her curl up into his side until she dozed off once more.
A few moments after she settled herself on the large window seat looking out over the town, Joel came in, heavy boots marking his path slowly as he sat down on her bed, springs creaking loudly beneath his weight. She waited for him to speak, still not sure what she wanted to say to him.
"Tommy says you can stay on border patrol. Jacob won't be well enough to be messing around outside the walls, so..."
"Jacob?" she said, facing him. He lifted a thick eyebrow at her.
"The guy sportin' your arrow? Ring a bell?"
"Oh." So Jacob was the asshole she had taken down. After a moment of thought, Ellie decided she preferred 'asshole' to 'Jacob.'
"You wanna tell me what happened out there?"
Ellie gazed back out the window. She could feel her lips curling as she recalled the insults he had tossed at the pair of them. And what the hell for? He didn't even know them. All at once, her anger returned, and she sprang up, pacing in front of Joel who had braced his hands behind him on the bed, watching Ellie patiently.
"It wasn't my fault! That asshole had it coming. I was just walking with the group, you know, doing my job, when I saw this beautiful deer just bound right in front of me and head off trail just a tiny bit, so I followed it because none of us have had any deer in months and can you imagine eating something as good as fresh venison? So, I followed that deer, not straying off path, of course, and right before I was gonna shoot it, this guy's arrow came from nowhere and shot my deer down. He practically stole from me. So, I sorta … well, I didn't know what he was gonna do, so I pulled my bow on him and told him that it was my deer, and then he started … I don't know. He started talking shit about us."
"Us?"
"Yeah, you know, he was being all gross, like, 'I don't care if you're screwing Tommy's brother's brains out, just don't tell me what to do because of it.' Also, he called me a bitch—"
"And there it is. That's the real reason you shot him, isn't it?" Before Ellie could rebut, he drove on, leaning forward to rub a hand across his forehead. "Ellie, you can't just go picking fights with people just because they call you a few bad names. Shooting the man was a little extreme—"
"No, fuck that! That's not the only reason I shot him."
"But it was one of them," he said. Ellie opened her mouth but nothing came out other than some choked mumbles. Joel's eyebrows furrowed as he leaned forward even more, his arms resting on his knees now. "Wait, Tommy said something about him pulling a gun on you?"
"Yeah, he did! I thought he was gonna take me out, you know,"—she mimed a gun to her head and clicked—"pew."
Joel looked to be in deep thought, mulling over her response. "Was this before or after you shot him?"
Goddamn it. He was determined to squeeze the very uncomfortable truth from between Ellie's omissive lies. How did he know just the right questions to ask? It was unnerving, and in this moment, annoying.
Instead of answering him, she turned her back on him, proceeding back to the picture window. Below her, she could just make out the wispy, gray smoke coming from the cooking area, a small crowd beginning to form around the ring of smoke. Through the window, she could practically smell that cooked meat wafting into her senses, and she swallowed thickly.
"You're supposed to be on my side," she said accusingly.
Joel sighed behind her, one of those deep cleansing ones, as if his whole body needed that little bit of breath to keep on going in the moment. Her eyelids fell closed against the fresh wave of guilt that hit her, stronger than before with Tommy because he meant more. She didn't want to cause Joel any more trouble than was necessary, but in the heat of the moment, Ellie was never any good at controlling her impulses. She never needed to think about that before, back when she was in Boston, because her actions didn't affect anyone else. Now, though, she had someone who cared for her, someone who depended on her. Suddenly her life meant so much more because of that.
"I ain't gangin' up on ya, kiddo. I'm just trying to understand."
"Yeah, well, same here."
Among her time here, she had caught the adults referring to her increasingly surly attitude as one of "teenage angst", and while she had strung together an idea of what they meant, no one had discussed with her at length exactly what was going on with her. Because something was happening to her, she knew it. She often found herself unreasonably annoyed with Joel's worrying about her, or just waking up in a bad mood for seemingly no reason. At first she had chalked it up to the stress of the dreams, but when other people took note and seemed amused by it, she thought maybe this was something else altogether.
The emotional roller coaster wasn't even the half of it; her body had begun changing as well. It was subtle, but one day she noticed that her chest poked out against her shirt, making it tighter than it'd ever felt. Her shirts weren't only tight at the chest, but at the waist as well, her hips straining against the fabric she'd worn since she was thirteen years old. She'd had to ditch some of her favorite gear in favor of some tattered hand me downs Maria had given her.
The worst of it was the morning she'd awoken feeling wet, embarrassingly thinking she'd peed herself. When she stood up to inspect the damage on the bed, she'd screamed bloody murder at the sight of the blood stain on the sheet and the back of her flannel shorts, convinced she was somehow on the verge of death. As if the situation couldn't have gotten any more disastrous, she'd realized she was in Joel's bed that night.
Poor Joel never saw it coming when he awoke to her frightened screams only to realize that he was a hairsbreadth away from placing his unsuspecting hand on the blood soiled stain. He'd nearly jumped out of his skin trying to scurry away, falling unceremoniously onto the wood board floor. After a very confusing and tense minute of arguing, he'd tossed her a pair of his boxers and told her to go find Maria, she'd know what to tell her.
After the hour long talk about womanhood and the gracious gift she was being afforded (seemed like a lie), she'd slumped back to face Joel, mortified that this had to happen in his bed. She'd probably scarred the old man with her "gracious gift." Luckily for her, Joel had calmed down significantly since that morning, even going so far as to apologize for his rude behavior. He just wasn't expecting it, is all, was what he said, and then kindly suggested she tough out her nightmares in her own bed while on her period, or at least until she got more familiar with it. In one of a few instances, she didn't argue with him.
All of these changes had happened so fast and without proper warning. Maybe that was why she was angry a lot – because it didn't seem fair that so much discomfort could throw itself at her without her say so. Or because she had to go through it alone. She hadn't made very many friends in her time here despite Joel's gentle prodding that she enjoy her childhood with some of the other kids. It just seemed ridiculous to her how some kids spent their spare time racing each other and playing around with a stupid ball when there was work to be done, work that kept this community safe and thriving.
But Ellie was tired now. So weary at keeping her troubles locked inside herself, unable to share with the adults—even Joel. She loved Joel, she really did, but she also sensed that talking about her changing mind and body were a little out of his depth. Especially after the whole period incident. Maybe she should go find some of the other kids her age, she wondered. There weren't many, but surely they were going through the same thing...
Ellie started as Joel crept up on her, leaning against the picture window with his hands shoved into his jean pockets.
"Creep," she said. Joel smiled, serene gaze turned toward the still cooking venison.
She'd missed this. She'd missed the easy silences that rendered no expectations from either of them. Nowadays, it seemed as if she barely saw him except for when she came home at night after her patrolling duty, sharing a quick supper with him that was always way too short for her liking. Joel was still in his original task, manning the walls during the day and making sure they were still intact, finding ways to expand and make them stronger. After a harsh twenty-one years of combat and constant self defending against outward threats, he was perfectly content to step back and let the younger generation take the reigns on that front. As far as he was concerned, he'd done his time and some, and now deserved some semblance of a break. A retirement, he had once called it.
Ellie sighed, eyes glued to the smoke of the burning meat. "They'd better save us some, or the next deer I find is gonna be our little secret."
"They didn't forget who brought on this celebratory dinner. You'll get yours," he said reassuringly.
Their time was slipping from them, and in a matter of minutes he'd be out that door, the weight of the moment gone until next time, whenever that time came. It was too long for Ellie.
She turned to him, giving him her full attention as she swallowed past the apprehension in her throat. Make this moment count.
"I couldn't let him tear you down, Joel. What he said about you was ugly. It just got me so mad that he could say those disgusting things about you so easily with that stupid smile on his pinched face and not even know you. Taking a jab at me sealed his fate, but it really only bothered me second to his insults to you."
Joel's gaze slid down, unseeing as he processed her words. Ellie didn't often talk affectionately toward Joel—if her admission could count as affectionate—and it still scared her that one day he might just wave her concern away as unwanted.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, he lifted his arm up, motioning his hand for her to join him. "C'mere, kiddo."
Like an instinct, it felt all too right and familiar to fold into the crevice of his arm, her hands twining together as she curled them beneath her chin. His body was hard and warm against hers, the feeling encompassing her in a safety she closed her eyes at, reveling.
His arm settled around her, pulling her in tight so she had no means of escape from words she knew he was preparing for—not that she wanted to leave the comforting space. A little cramped she was, her growing height showing now as she craned her neck down to accommodate for the tight space under his armpit. Maybe she was getting too old for these close hugs, but she didn't care. She'd gladly look like a tangle of gangly limbs if it meant she could still be welcomed into his arms.
"Listen," he said, deep voice unusually soft. Ellie picked her head up enough to stare at him. Hard lines filled the edges around his lips and eyes, his aging body prominent from this close up. It seemed many years fixing the same contemplative expression on his face had permanently etched a troubled façade. Or maybe she was just stressing him out that much. "I know you meant well; that you were trying to do me justice when I wasn't there to defend myself. And I appreciate it. These people 'round here might not, but I do. Honest. But there are certain ways to go about that anger."
"Slicing his leg clean through seemed to quash that anger."
Joel laughed once. "Maybe it did for the time being, but what are you gonna do the next time he pushes your buttons?"
"Well, he's got three other limbs—"
"Ellie," he admonished.
"Fine," she said, sighing. "I don't know what I'd do." She paused. "What would you do?"
Joel hummed to himself, considering. "Honestly, I'd try my best to overlook it."
"Ha! Yeah, right. I've seen you in action; you'd punch the living daylights out of them."
"That was before when we didn't have stability. We're a part of a community, now. We can't be startin' trouble for ourselves when we have to live with these people everyday."
She understood what he meant, but it didn't make her any less surly about their predicament. She sighed again. "So, what you're saying is that I should ignore him when he calls you a pedo and me a bitch. Psshhh, let me know how that works out for you."
"I ain't playing, Ellie," he said, pulling against her shoulder to get her to look at him again. His eyes were serious, but also pleading, the green flecks in his brown eyes shining with a quiet intensity. He was pleading with her, and she couldn't stand the responsibility of that look. She gazed back out the window. "Now, I mean it. I don't wanna hear no more of this business. Besides," he said, joining her in gazing out the window. "I'm gonna have a talk with Jacob. He should know we don't tolerate that kind of instigating around here. I don't know much about where he came from, but he's in civilized country now. As civilized as I've seen in a long damn time."
"Good luck with that," she said. Before he could retort, she amended herself. "I mean it." Their eyes met, and she tried to convey her truthfulness. "He seems like the macho type to listen to a man before he'd even hear out a 'kid's' requests," she said, bitterly emphasizing the word.
"If he has any right to be scared of anyone it's you. You're the only one with the balls enough to shoot a man for saying something he'd probably said to a hundred girls before you."
Ellie laughed, accepting his compliment. This easy banter was welcoming, and she relished that the hardest part of their conversation was over. "I guess so. I guess I kind of served them justice, didn't I?"
"Don't go trying to justify your brazenness. You still reacted out of turn."
"My brazen-what? What are you even saying?"
Joel frowned at her. "What are they teaching you in that school if not how to speak like an adult?"
"Things that actually matter, like how to quickly reload your handgun, or strengthening the aim of your bow."
"Learning new words is just as important. Communication is key."
"Oh, blah blah. You sound like one of those inspirational posters hanging around in the school room. All the other kids treat those as jokes, you know."
"Has anyone ever told you how mean you can be?"
Ellie shoved him roughly with her shoulder, pushing herself away from him. "Like you can't tell I'm kidding."
"I don't know. You really hurt my feelin's; I might just skip out on dinner, sulk in my room to angry music." His mock dejected face was turned down as he rubbed at his chest, the spot where she'd shouldered him.
"Stop it, Joel." Ellie laughed and was filled with a warmth as she caught sight of the growing smile on his face. She had noticed before how she was able to bring that secret smile from him with just her natural charm. He didn't often smile, but when he did, he did it with his eyes, too. She loved that she was able to be one of the few who could pull that from him.
Incidentally, they both heaved heavy sighs, signaling the end of their moment together. It was bittersweet, and she tried not to let the sorrow of the end of their quiet moment together overtake her. Her features were slowly morphing toward a gloomy state, but she quickly turned away toward the door so she could compose herself, wringing her fingers together.
"I'm getting pretty hungry. I think I'm gonna go get some of that deer before those pigs eat it all." She reached the door, but there were no footsteps behind her. She glanced back. He was still standing at the window, watching her inquisitively as she left. She frowned. "You coming?"
"Yeah. I'll be there in a bit. Gotta change out of these clothes; got mud all over them and myself today."
She hesitated, only half believing him. He was in one of his deep contemplation modes, and she knew enough to leave him alone to his thoughts for awhile when he got like this. The look he gave her was reminiscent of the one his brother had worn earlier as he studied her: one of searching and a trying to understand. What were they thinking? It was on the tip of her tongue to question him—surely he wouldn't water down his thoughts the way Tommy would for sake of not bombarding her— but then figured they'd had enough heaviness for the night. She didn't want to start an argument by trying to force more from him than he was willing to give at the moment, so she let him have this one. "Okay," she said. "I'll save you a plate."
He nodded, and she waited a moment more before leaving the room completely, shutting the door softly behind her.
Another chapter coming soon!