A/N: My response to the DM/HG Fic Exchange over at Livejournal for Valentine's Day! Read and review, let me know what you guys think! (It's a one-shot by the way!)
The Valentine War
Hermione Granger glanced up from her immense stack of papers to look out through her office windows, only to be greeted with an inevitably bothersome sight. Sure enough, just as she had suspected when she rolled out of bed that morning, miniature Cupids, arrows of love, and hearts were fluttering throughout The Daily Prophet headquarters. She sighed in annoyance, which she assured herself was only because people had no sense of responsibility anymore. It could never be that the Gryffindor feared that she would once again spend Valentine's Day all on her own.
As she contemplated possible ways that all of the Cupids might lose their wings – completely on accident, of course – her least favorite co-worker greeted her from the doorway.
"What's the matter, Granger? Weasel just not cutting it as your Valentine this year?" He smirked in a not-so-cruel, although still Malfoyish manner and strode to her desk. Hermione glared at him, then rolled her eyes and set down the article she was editing.
"Perhaps if Ron," she bit out the name, still irritated by the fact that Draco couldn't stop using stupid school names, "had ever been my Valentine, that might be the case. However, as you most certainly ought to know after all of the years we've been regrettably around one another, I neither celebrate nor enjoy Valentine's Day. In fact, you could say that I despise this holiday – if you can even call it that." She huffed and turned back to her papers, thinking about every word she could possibly muster to describe her attitude towards February 14.
"And everyone says that I have no heart! Come on, Granger, you have to admit that it's sort of fun." The smirk was still plastered on his face, though it had turned into a sort of strange smile.
"No, I most definitely do not have to admit that it's sort of fun." She had only recently noticed that while the two enemies had grown up and matured, they still had petty fights like this constantly. Less violent and harsh, but silly fights nonetheless.
"I'll tell you what isn't sort of or even remotely fun – you!" Hermione burst out laughing as the door slammed shut, unsure of whether or not that had been Draco Malfoy or a four year old child speaking the words.
A light tap at the door shook Hermione out of her intense concentration on the paperwork still spread out in front of her. Her eyes narrowed at the impish Cupid grinning back at her.
"What do you want, you naked boy faerie?" She cringed at the insult she directed at her visitor. She mouthed the words to herself as a disgusted look crossed her face.
"It has come to my attention that you've come in contact with an infection. Your heart is cold, covered in mold, but deep down you know that love is like gold!" The disgusted look remained on her face as the Cupid rhymed ridiculously.
"Is it necessary for you to rhyme? You do it very poorly." She sneered before standing to turn her back on him.
"I rhyme wherever love may take me, maybe if you tried it out you'd see." He made a small whooping noise before fluttering out of the door and shutting it quietly. She had hoped for years that she would never have to deal with a Cupid. Alas, she'd received a visit from one and in her opinion, she couldn't grasp why people actually liked them.
Turning back to her desk now that the uninvited guest had left her office, Hermione found a giant Valentine looking back at her.
"Bloody hell! I wish Ron would figure out that I do not like him!" she yelled at no one in particular before snatching the card and opening it up to read the lovely message inside.
I thought it was time that you and Cupid met.
Hermione's eyes flicked up and glanced around nervously. Who had sent it? Who was under the impression that she had ever or would ever want to personally come in contact with a Cupid? She walked to the door and threw it open, leaning out to search for someone laughing or chatting with her cherub. However, as soon as her eyes fell upon Draco Malfoy, his eyes widened to the size of saucers and he slammed his door shut.
"Ha, ha, very funny. Who knew that Draco Malfoy had a single funny bone in his body? We'll see who's laughing later on…" A very small, uncharacteristically evil smile crossed Hermione's lips as she sat down to devise a plan.
Draco Malfoy looked up, startled, as roughly forty charmed paper hearts burst into his office. They settled on his desk, looking at him expectantly, before one cleared its throat.
"A one, two…a one, two, three, four!" one of the hearts yelled out before all of them burst out singing. "Draco Malfoy, hair so white/It's such a shame that you're not that bright! Ladies left and ladies right/it's no wonder that they all took flight! You're not too bad at Potions, I guess/But you know that I'll always be better nonetheless!" The magicked paper hearts exploded into tiny hearts before disintegrating in the air.
Draco Malfoy sat flabbergasted. Shocked, irritated, and impressed by the song that had just been performed for him, he laughed out loud as the words sank in and he began thinking of a retaliatory Valentine of his own. He rubbed his hands together, ready to get to work on the corrupted "love" note.
Hermione Granger thought she was ready for the next one. She knew that Draco Malfoy wouldn't give up without a fight and she had been counting on something. But this…this was total lunacy! She had been sitting at her desk, making plans for the next step in whatever this strange game was, when a man she did not recognize stepped into her office.
"Ah, can I help you?" she asked, mystified. He was dressed in business attire so she wasn't sure whether or not this man was here on business or if he was here on mischief.
"Oh, no, I've already been told what to do. Just sit back and your office will be finished in a matter of seconds!" The small wizard smiled politely before conjuring what looked like paint and other room decorations.
"I'm sorry, but you must have the wrong building…or room at the very least." Hermione shook her head, dreading what he would say next.
"You are Miss Hermione Granger, are you not?" The little man quirked his head at her, already dipping the brush into the paint.
"Well, yes, but you see, my room doesn't need any redecorating…" She trailed off, not necessarily meaning that it couldn't use some fresh paint she just didn't want…this paint.
"Says who? You just sit back, pretty lady, and get ready to be amazed!" he yelled and finally moved towards a wall. Hermione made a motion to stop the wizard from doing something terrible but it was all over in the blink of an eye. She shook her head to make sure that what had just happened had really happened.
Her once simple office had turned into a shrine to Draco Malfoy; images of him in Quidditch robes, formal attire, day clothes, and… a nude shot. And they were all grinning at her, as though they knew what their purpose was in the room.
"I…I…get rid of it! This instant! If you don't get rid of these…despicable and unwanted images on my walls, I will call your employer and have you fired faster than you can say 'Merlin's Beard!' Now, clean this up and get out!" Her hands flailed as she shouted at the "artist."
"Sorry, miss, it's already been paid for and there's nothing I can do about it. It will wear off in about…oh, I'd say two months give or take. Oh! And this was to be delivered along with the office revamping." He stepped up to her desk and dropped a small card.
Hermione picked up the card and hesitantly read the words scrawled across it. Just in case those magazines stashed in your top drawer aren't fulfilling their duty.
Hermione dropped the card, horrified that Draco Malfoy, of all people, knew where she kept her stash! She quickly unlocked the drawer only to find that her "private" magazines had been replaced with pictures of Draco Malfoy – winking, groaning, stripping, or showering.
Without being able to help it, her eyes traveled south on the pictures before one of the Draco's called her on it.
"Tsk, tsk, Granger. No peeking. Plus, it's better in person! What say you swing by my office and find out for yourself?" He winked again before Hermione slammed the drawer shut and locked it for good measure.
This was most definitely not the Valentine's Day she had been expecting. Not at all.
Her eyes were ablaze as she rooted through her boxes in her office. She had to find one thing; her Hogwarts yearbook. She knew that there were some terribly embarrassing pictures of Malfoy in a few of them (she'd have to remember to thank Colin Creevey for taking so many pictures, even if they were slightly creepy.) She laughed as she looked at third year Malfoy in the Hospital, moaning about his arm hurting and in the same year, being slapped by her. It was all too perfect!
She copied and enlarged multiple pictures before putting adhesive on the back and posting them all over the fourth floor of The Daily Prophet headquarters.
'We'll see just how attractive he looks to the females here after they see these pictures!' She thought to herself, slapping photographs to doors, windows, and stairwells. People looked at her curiously for a while before looking at the photos. Now, all she had to do was sit back and get ready for chaos to ensue.
Not even ten minutes after the pictures were up, Cal Ripton knocked on Draco's door, picture in hand. The door swung open, where Draco greeted Cal with a smile.
"Draco, buddy, how were your days back in Hogwarts?" Cal's Cheshire cat grin stretched from one ear to the other as a curious look spread across Draco's pale one.
"Uh, well, they were fine I guess. What's all this about?"
"It's just that, well, you seemed kind of like a stupid prat!" Now Cal was flat out laughing, along with other spectators in the office who had stopped working to witness this event unfold.
"How the bloody hell would you know what I was like in Hogwarts? Have you been talking to someone? Potter? Yeah, that Potter would badmouth me, just because I was better than him at… everything!" The red of his cheeks against his pale skin was truly a sight to behold as his voice rose with every word he shouted.
"Here. Just take a look at this." Cal murmured quickly, thrusting the image into Draco's hand before getting the hell out of there. Draco flipped the paper and perused it, slowly beginning to understand exactly what was going on.
It was the picture of him bedridden, yelling something to Colin about "shoving your wand so far up your arse to a place Weasley wouldn't go even if he does like boys!"
He laughed for a moment at his clever remark before he noticed that pictures like this were all over the building.
Hermione couldn't be sure, but she didn't think he liked it all too much as his eyes sought her out.
He frowned slightly before returning to his office, shutting the door behind him gently.
After waiting a good twenty-five minutes, Hermione couldn't wait any longer to see what was going on with the devious Slytherin. Had she hurt his feelings with a silly Valentine's Day prank? Was he pretending to be hurt just so that he could get her back at the end of the day? Until she talked to him, she couldn't be sure.
She rapped on the door before pushing her way in, only to be greeted by Draco's back. She stood silently for a few moments, waiting for him to greet her, before she spoke up.
"Hey…Draco." She very rarely used his first name but decided that this moment would be a good time to use it. "So, look, I uh…I thought that it would be funny what with your little painter friend fixing up my office."
Silence.
"If you're, um, angry at me, I'm sorry. It wasn't meant to be hurtful or anything or…you know." God, she thought to herself, I sound like a moron. He sighed softly, quietly enough so that she wasn't sure if he had actually sighed or if she was imagining it.
Still nothing.
"I'm just going to go get back to some paperwork, if you need anything, or want to…send any more Cupids or maybe shoot me with a bow – a real bow, if you like – you know where I'll be…" she trailed off, then slipped out of his office.
She couldn't help but wonder, after her mean prank, if Draco Malfoy had felt like this for seven years at school.
She had to do something nice. She had to embarrass herself enough so that the attention would be taken off of Draco, so that he could forgive her, and so that she could forgive herself. She admitted that it wasn't terrible – he'd done things much worse. But she…she was usually nice, she usually didn't go out of her way to humiliate other people. So it looked as though she'd just have to humiliate herself.
"Marla!" Hermione called to her secretary, "I have to run out for a bit. I should be back soon. If anyone owls for me while I'm gone, just tell them it will have to wait." She was out the door before Marla could respond, clearly on a very important mission.
Moments later, she'd entered a costume shop. She looked for a few minutes before giving up and decided to ask someone who worked at the shop if they had something more… suitable for her.
"I…do you happen to carry anything that resembles…Cupid?" She blushed, feeling stupid as she asked for a Cupid costume. It probably wasn't the most popular costume that people wanted to buy, but she needed it. Badly.
"Dear! We've got everything under the sun! You just come with me to the back where we have our holiday costumes!" The old witch, whose nametag showed the name Dora, led her towards the back of the costume shop. After a few minutes of grumbling and tossing other costumes aside, she found what she was looking for. "Wha' about this little thing?" She held up a Cupid costume that had more ah…coverage than what she'd been hoping for.
"Well, you see, I was actually looking for something a little…less modest than what you've got there." The blush that was already on her face brightened to an almost unnatural shade of red as the old witch snickered quietly.
"Oh, I see! A gift for the hubby, eh?" She laughed, extracting her wand from her pocket.
"Oh! No! Merlin, no! I just, ah…" her palms were sweating. This was an awfully awkward position for her to be in. "It's a, uh, joke!"
"Well, it's going to be a greatly appreciated joke, dear. Now, you want something more revealing, then? You give me one second and I'll make all of the modifications." She practically skipped to the table to measure and adjust the garment.
"But please, make it tasteful. I don't want to look like a… you know." Hermione's shoulders slumped, feeling like the biggest fool in the entire world. However, a few simple spells later, Hermione was looking at herself in the mirror with a look of shock on her face. A halter top dress with a deep v-neck clung to her body and of course, she had a bow and arrow.
"I look…" She was flabbergasted. She never knew she could look so…
"Wonderful!" the shopkeeper giggled loudly, smiling with pride as she looked at her work. "I'll tell you what, if this man of yours doesn't just eat you right up, I'll personally have to have a talk with him."
She had to admit it. She did look good. The adjusted costume fit her perfectly in all of the right places and accentuated her body in just the right way. She thanked the shopkeeper profusely, paid, and put her work clothes on over her newly purchased form of embarrassment (which might not be too embarrassing.)
She returned to work and went directly into her office to work on Part B of Plan Embarrass Hermione Terribly So That Draco Malfoy Won't Hate Her So Much. She couldn't say why she cared so much about whether or not Draco hated her. It was just that…he wasn't all that bad. He was funny (when she wasn't looking), and he was kind (when it wasn't her receiving the kindness), and he was charming (all of the time). It was undeniable: Draco Malfoy was a catch and it seemed as though, over the past few years, she'd been catching on.
"Now…how did that song go?" She tapped her quill to her lips, thinking back to Hogwarts, where a certain song about a certain someone had caught on very quickly…
She'd spent an hour memorizing the revised version of the old school song before stripping down to her newly purchased costume and casting 'Sonorus' on herself. Bracing herself for something truly embarrassing, she took a deep breath before exiting her office.
Walking quickly and receiving a few very confused glances, she stepped up onto a table at the head of the building.
"Excuse me, everyone!" She shivered for a moment, aware of everyone watching her, waiting for her next move. "I've prepared a special…treat for all of you for Valentine's Day!" She looked through the crowd, hoping to see a familiar grey pair of eyes. A wolf whistle was heard with a few shouts to accompany that. "Oh, thank you very much. Well, here goes nothing!" She cleared her throat before beginning to sing…
Malfoy can do anything
He's as hot as a buffalo wing!
That's why I'll be the first to sing:
Malfoy is my king!
He's the best there's ever been,
Even with his pale white skin,
So attractive, it's a sin;
Malfoy is my king!
Malfoy is my king,
Malfoy is my king,
He always makes me want to grin,
Malfoy is my king!
She smiled broadly, hoping he'd heard and seen the whole thing, when she was met by an extremely loud applause. People were laughing with her and congratulating her on a well done, if strange job. But still, she had yet to see her self-proclaimed king. She continued to smile, though what she really wanted to do was cry. She'd gone out of her way to make him feel better and he hadn't even had the decency to acknowledge that! She hung her head as she returned to her office to think about the pictures that would surely be circulating on her very own paper the next day. She could see it now, in giant letters: 'Hermione Granger Professes Adoration for Co-Worker Draco Malfoy!'
She slammed her door shut, stalking to the window while considering jumping from it.
This is terrible. This could not be any worse. I basically just told my entire staff that I have this…thing for Malfoy and he wasn't even there. Poor Granger, she finally made an attempt to make something out of this year's Valentine's Day and she got turned down!
She heard the door open and heard someone come in.
"No, Marla, I don't want to talk about what just happened. What just happened is that I humiliated myself for no good reason!" she shouted, not daring to look at her secretary for fear she might cry.
"I always knew you had a thing for me, Granger, but saying I'm your king is slightly extravagant." She tensed as someone she had definitely not expected spoke to her.
"Malfoy I -" But then it happened. She turned to explain but only a muffled response came from her mouth as his lips met hers. Her eyes widened as she tried to grasp what was happening.
'Bloody Hell, Granger! It's what you've been waiting for. Kiss him back!' Her mind shouted at her, before her eyelids fluttered shut and her hands found the nape of his neck. Their mouths moved in an almost rhythmic timing and their tongues tentatively touched a few times before their bodies were so close, Hermione was afraid one of her ribs might crack. They pulled away, panting for air, though neither was sure which was more important: breathing or kissing.
"I had a feeling you'd come around." Draco laughed against her mouth, their foreheads resting against each other's.
"I take it you saw my little…performance, then?" She blushed, laughing nervously. Oh! This was even more embarrassing than the actual act itself!
"Saw it? I'm still replaying it in my mind as we speak." She was amazed at how comfortable she felt, his hands around her waist, her hands on his shoulders, in very close proximity for old enemies.
"How would you feel about an encore tonight?" She smiled devilishly while he smirked back at her.
"Only if you'll be my Valentine."
"I think that can be arranged."