It was the second day of the Reagan family's vacation. Everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves, everyone except Jamie. Danny watched with sadness as Jamie went for a walk around the lake by himself, again. Danny thought that Jamie had gotten back to his normal self over the past month and a half since Vinny was killed, at Sunday dinner Jamie had even began laughing again. But soon after coming on vacation Jamie seemed to have backtracked and had withdrawn into himself again.
"Uncle Danny?" Danny turned to face Nikki who was looking between him and Jamie.
"Yeah Nikki?" asked Danny trying to mask his concern for Jamie from Nikki.
"Is Uncle Jamie alright? I know his partner was killed and that would have been traumatic, but that was a month and a half ago so I thought that he would have been getting back to his normal self. But he's not" commented Nikki looking over at Jamie's retreating figure.
"I know Nikki. I know" then after patting Nikki on the shoulder Danny walked after Jamie.
As Danny approached Jamie he could see Jamie tense and when Danny was only two feet away without turning Jamie said "I'm fine Danny"
"No you're not Jamie. You have kept yourself away from everyone and if you think doing that would stop everyone from worrying. Then I hate to tell you but not only have I noticed Nikki even noticed!" Danny stated as he came to stand next to Jamie trying to catch Jamie's gaze, but Jamie stubbornly avoided Danny's intense gaze. Danny sighed, "Jamie-"
"Just stop Danny. Just. Stop" Jamie grounded out.
"No I won't stop because I'm trying to help!"
"Can't you see I don't want your help!" snapped Jamie finally meeting Danny's gaze. Danny almost took a step back seeing the frustration in Jamie's eyes. Almost. Danny Reagan was never one to back down from a fight, no matter how bad the timing.
"You need help Jamie!" retorted Danny,
"No I don't! I was cleared in a psych eval to return to duty the same week Vinny was killed. And look I just mentioned what happened so I don't have any remaining issues about it. So just leave me alone Danny!" Jamie then turned and began to walk further away from Danny and the houses.
"If you want my opinion you returned to duty too soon" bit out Danny bitterly, this wasn't directed at Jamie but just at the world and circumstance in general angry for what Jamie had had to suffer. But Danny just lit a bigger fuse in Jamie.
Jamie spun around angrily, "I don't want your opinion Danny! So stop being so controlling and my CO let me back on duty so are you saying that you know better than my Captain? Don't bother answering that you always think you know better than everyone"
"What did you just say?" spat Danny, his worry and frustration for what Jamie had been through merging into anger which was unfortunately directed at Jamie.
"You heard" replied Jamie narrowing his eyes and raising his head as if challenging Danny.
"You don't know what you're talking about kid"
"Actually I do. Ever since I could walk you've been trying to control what I did. 'Jamie do this, Jamie do that' who put you in charge of running my life anyway?!" exclaimed Jamie, letting many years' worth of held in emotion explode.
"Watch it kid" warned Danny.
"No I'm fed up with you telling me what to do and saying how disappointed you are if I do something you think is wrong! I've. Had. Enough. Danny!"
Danny reached out to take hold of Jamie's arm but Jamie shook him off. Then one thing led to another which ended up with Jamie and Danny rolling on the floor fighting.
"That's enough!" barked a sharp voice. Danny and Jamie froze and looked up to come face to face with their grandpa. "You two get up!" Danny got up first and watched as Jamie brushed himself off and after glaring at Danny Jamie turned around and walked away.
"Hey Jamie get back here!" yelled Danny still annoyed.
"Danny let him go" said Henry,
"But grandpa-"
"No Danny. You go cool off and I'll speak to him" Henry paused, "well what are you waiting for?" with one more look at Henry and Jamie Danny turned around and headed back to the houses.
Henry sighed and then followed Jamie. Nikki had come and sat next to him looking worried and after finding out she was worried about Jamie Henry had gone to find his youngest grandson. Only to find Danny and Jamie fighting on the floor.
Henry caught up to Jamie to see Jamie throwing rocks into the lake, he heard Jamie mumbling angrily "stupid…he doesn't know…doesn't understand…why should I bother talking to him"
"Should I be glad I sent Danny away with you this angry and armed with rocks?" asked Henry standing back from Jamie to give Jamie space. Jamie stopped mid-throw and turned slightly so he could see Henry but was still facing the lake. "Jamie?" prompted Henry.
"Why can't he just leave me alone?" asked Jamie desperately,
"Because you are his youngest brother and he cares" replied Henry taking two steps forward, but still leaving some space between him and Jamie.
"Really? Does he? Because all I get is critism and when I'm not acting like he expects me to he comes 'to help me'" ranted Jamie. Still with the rock he was about to throw gripped in his hand.
"Jamie he's just scared about losing you, whether it's to the job or you tormenting yourself" comforted Henry. He looked sadly at his youngest grandson, out of all his grandchildren and even great grandchildren, Jamie had always been the quietest and if something upset him Jamie would bottle it up until he self-destructed. Henry had seen this happen many times and once when Jamie was 9 his older siblings had needed their parents help no one had noticed that Jamie was distressed. This then led to the only time Jamie had run away (well technically the first out of two times he had done so if you included the time he was 11 and ran away. Supposedly the only ones to know about this was Jamie, Danny and Linda*) so it was breaking Henry's heart to see Jamie suffering again. Because if only Jamie would come and speak to him he could help Jamie, but that was Jamie. He never wanted to be a bother to anyone so kept his grief and sadness hidden from all.
Henry watched as Jamie slumped his shoulders and gripped the rock harder; Henry then spotted blood on Jamie's hand. "Jamie you're hurting your hand" Henry quickly walked the remaining steps to Jamie just as Jamie dropped the rock and stood staring at his hand. Henry reached Jamie and gently placed a hand on Jamie's shoulder, not getting a response Henry moved so he was standing in front of Jamie. He was shocked to see Jamie's eyes glazed over as if remembering a horrific memory. Henry pieced together what was happening. Jamie had had Vinny in his arms as Vinny died; Jamie would have had Vinny's blood on his hands. So the rock cutting his hand added to the grief he was feeling over Vinny's death had pushed Jamie into a flashback.
Henry put his hands on both of Jamie's shoulders and soothingly started talking, "Jamie come on lad you're safe. It's all in the past, remember we are on vacation. It's oka – fine. It's all fine, you're safe. Come on Jamie lad come on back it's safe" Henry had just caught himself from saying 'it's okay' knowing that those were the last words Vinny had said to Jamie, Jamie flinched whenever someone said those words. So Henry didn't want to make things worse. "Come on lad" soothed Henry, it had been years since Henry had called Jamie 'lad' it was a term of endearment that had stuck after Henry called Jamie it when he was a toddler to differentiate between Jamie and Joe as Joe was called 'kid'. Henry was the only one in the family to have used this nickname for Jamie and Jamie had said while growing up he preferred it as being 'a big boy' he didn't want to be called 'kid'. But sadly Jamie had soon grown out of being called 'lad', so Henry was hoping the old comforting nickname would help pull Jamie out of his flashback.
Jamie began to blink back into awareness, "grandpa?" he mumbled.
"What is it lad?" questioned Henry relived Jamie was out of his memories, but he still kept his hands on Jamie's shoulders.
"I thought I had asked you to stop calling me that when I was 13" smiled Jamie,
"Are you complaining?" chuckled Henry happy to see Jamie smiling again.
"No" replied Jamie his smiled getting bigger,
"But don't worry I'll keep it a secret between us so it doesn't ruin your 'street cred'" Henry waited for the comment he knew Jamie would say about him saying 'street cred' but he stopped chuckling when Jamie caught a glance of his bleeding hand again. Before Jamie could be locked in another flashback Henry got his handkerchief from his pocket and wrapped it around Jamie's hand. Looking at Jamie Henry could see he was back in the Bitterman project so said "come on Jamie lad I thought I'd solved this"
Jamie looked back up at Henry trying to blink away tears, "grandpa I thought I was over it. So why is it still haunting me again?" choked Jamie as a few tears escaped.
"Oh Jamie" sighed Henry as he hugged Jamie and rubbed up and down Jamie's back to soothe him. "It's because you went back on the job so quick you had your mind on other things and you would have been tired on your days off. So coming on vacation where it's quiet and you don't have to have you mind on the job has let the memories comeback to the front of your mind instead of the back of it. Making-"
"Making my head a bad place to be" finished Jamie murmuring into Henry's shoulder.
"Yeah that about sums it up" nodded Henry, he then said "don't worry Jamie it's okay" and as suspected Jamie tensed.
"Grandpa please don't-" began Jamie,
"Don't what? Say 'it's okay'?" Jamie tensed further, "Jamie you can't avoid saying words that come with bad memories, if you did there wouldn't be many words left for you to say. Especially when you get to my age. It's sad what happened to Vinny and it's sad that you had to go through a traumatic experience like that. But you should listen to Vinny Jamie, because it really is going to be okay" at the end of his little speech Henry pulled back to look Jamie in the eye. He then added "and if you are feeling overwhelmed with whatever's going on in that head of yours you come and talk to me alright? And even if you don't come speak to me make sure you talk to someone okay? Because I'd hate for something to happen all because you didn't talk to us. Got it?"
"Yeah I got it grandpa" smiled Jamie rubbing his face getting rid of the tears, "it's time for me to start moving forward"
"Exactly" nodded Henry, "now let's go have Linda take a look at your hand and make sure your dad and Danny haven't eaten all the burgers"
Jamie laughed and Henry with one arm around Jamie's shoulder walked back up to the houses. When they got there Danny handed Jamie a beer with a small smile and Jamie took it nodding and smiling in return. There was the apology and the acceptance and so they could continue as they had been before the fight at the lake. Jamie sat on the chair between Henry and Danny.
"Alright kid?" asked Danny, Jamie smiled knowing that like grandpa Danny had avoided saying 'okay'.
"It's okay Danny, it's all okay" replied Jamie. Danny was silent for a few seconds shocked that Jamie had said the words that he had had such a negative reaction to at Vinny's grave the week after Vinny's death.
Then Danny smiled broadly and put Jamie in a headlock replying "of course it is!"
Henry watched with amusement and shared a smile with Jamie; with Jamie's words Henry knew he was going to be fine. There were going to be times when the memories became too strong for Jamie, but for now after getting his feelings and emotions out he could really start the process of healing.
The end.
* This is a reference to my story The Run Away
This is the end of this mini-series but if you wanted to see it continued I suggest reading my story The Rookie as I guess that could be seen as a sequel if you wanted.
Thanks for reading! And I hope you enjoyed it!